Lifestyle
L.A. Affairs: I told my husband that something had to change. I just didn’t know what would come next
As he rolled up in front of my Van Nuys duplex, his teal Ford Tempo shimmering in the speckled fall sun, a wave of first-date excitement flooded my system.
Leaning across the center console, he flung open the passenger door.
“Sorry,” he said brightly, “I threw up in that seat on the 405 yesterday, but I think I mostly cleaned it up.”
I paused, looked at the seat and then back at his hopeful, earnest face.
“I ate vitamins on an empty stomach then sat in traffic,” he said with a shrug.
Well, I thought, at least it was just partially digested vitamins and not a carne asada burrito. It could be worse.
Deciding to be the cool girl, I slid into the not-quite-clean seat and took a deep breath.
Brian was 6 feet 4 and a moppy-haired brunette musician with magnetic stage presence. We’d met through a mutual friend from his band, a guy who made me laugh by drawing inappropriate images on my spiral notebooks in my theater classes at Cal State Northridge.
The week before, I’d watched them play a show in Calabasas and felt something shift. Onstage, Brian closed his eyes when he sang, swaying slightly offbeat as his wild waves caught the light. I was smitten.
Our first date unfolded on a stylish vintage couch in a cafe rumored to have once belonged to someone from punk-rock band NOFX. We sipped tea. This man had never had a sip of alcohol in his life, by choice, which felt both bizarre and wildly exotic to me at the time. I worried the absence of cocktails might make the night awkward. Instead, we talked for hours, our words tumbling over each other like we’d been rehearsing for years.
Within six months, he’d moved into my apartment. From there, we leapfrogged to Venice, then Marina del Rey and finally to Mar Vista, where we bought our second home and planted ourselves like people who understood picket fences. Two extraordinary children later, we had built something that looked, from the outside, like a Hallmark movie with much better music. I would stand in our kitchen at dusk, the marine layer settling in, peaceful as I loaded the dishwasher in a life I hadn’t necessarily seen for myself.
Then life, because it always does, began to press.
In 2019, my mother-in-law suffered a stroke and moved into our home while she recovered. I love her deeply and was grateful we could care for her. However. Caregiving inside a tiny West L.A. “bungalow” (as my MIL kindly referred to it) magnified everything from love to exhaustion. We survived it, yet hadn’t fully exhaled when the COVID-19 pandemic arrived like a cosmic reminder of how life loves a dramatic arc.
Suddenly, we were always home. Always in each other’s line of sight, always negotiating space that didn’t exist. I would often escape to our tiny yard for another DIY project, clutching coffee or whiskey like a flotation device and internally screaming in his direction: “Why are you always here?”
My chronic illness flared, and fear hovered over me like smog. Both sets of our parents were aging rapidly and reminding us of our own mortality. Grief layered itself over everything, but we kept the children steady and the house functioning. We kept showing up as best we could.
Yet somewhere along the way, large pieces of ourselves went missing.
In 2023, I fled to Mexico City with a friend. In photographs from that week, I barely recognize the woman staring back at me. She was heavy, pale; her eyes dulled and vacant. I realized I had become a highly efficient machine for other people’s needs and had lost track of my own.
Months later, on a routine mental health walk near the Mar Vista park, I heard a podcast clip that stopped me in my tracks. “Life is a melting ice cube,” Mel Robbins said casually.
I physically froze on the sidewalk.
A melting ice cube.
Every time I passed that corner I thought about it, how this life was dripping away whether we were awake inside it or not.
That night I told Brian something had to change. I didn’t know what it meant. I just knew I could not continue living a version of life that felt like survival instead of participation.
As the friend he has always been, he listened.
Over the next year, we experimented. We tried reshaping our marriage into something more expansive. We tried an open relationship. We tried to rediscover the spark that had once felt effortless. What we discovered instead was that the truest thing between us had always been friendship.
So we separated.
Here’s the part people don’t expect to hear: It didn’t destroy us.
Somehow, without the pressure of being everything to each other, we became better. We are kinder and more honest. We parent as a team who spends holidays together and we will head to Coachella soon to complain about the bus lines amid total exhaustion yet again.
I turned 50 in the middle of the unraveling, sandwiched somewhere in the chaos of a second painful surgery and my mother’s death. To mark the end of a massive season in my life, I went to Spain for two months. I walked unfamiliar streets with music carrying me on its wings, ate dinner at 10 p.m. and remembered who I was when no one needed me to be anything in particular.
I came home a different person.
Now, Brian and I date other people. We talk on the phone most days about the kids, life and whatever absurd situation the world has thrown at us. We take it day by day, week by week, like adults who have finally accepted that certainty is an illusion.
Someone recently called our story “so L.A.”
I smiled.
Los Angeles has always been a city of reinvention, of artists and dreamers, and of people brave enough to admit when something needs to evolve. This city taught me how to chase a musician in a teal Ford Tempo. It also taught me how to build a family and how to let go without burning everything down.
Love does not always look the way we expect. Sometimes it transforms and sometimes it softens into something steadier and less cinematic.
Evolution is not failure; it is movement, and movement (even when it hurts) is proof you are still alive inside your life.
In Los Angeles of all places, I know how to begin again.
The author is a Los Angeles–based novelist and essayist. She writes about love, reinvention and modern relationships. Find her on Instagram: @marykathrynholmes.
L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here.
Designers Jeanine Hattas Wilson and Julie Kennedy’s magical transformation of a 4-foot-by-4-foot storage closet at this year’s Pasadena Showcase House of Design almost feels like a metaphor for design showcases themselves: not quite real, but pure fantasy.
“It was inspired by our dad, who used to read to us in Woodstock, Ill.,” Wilson says of their immersive storybook escape, which features a delightful hand-painted mural on the walls and tiny lanterns that, when touched, offer a narrated fairy tale. “We wanted to create a special, intimate space for kids.”
61st Pasadena Showcase House of Design
Where: Baldwin Oaks Estate, Arcadia
When: Through May 17
Hours: 9:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. Tuesday-Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday-Sunday; 9:30 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. Friday
Tickets: $38-$75
Parking and shuttle location: Santa Anita Park, Huntington Gate 3, Lot C
Information, including shops and special events: pasadenashowcase.org
Showhouses are always extravagant, and this year’s event takes place inside the 8,000-square-foot former home of Clara Baldwin Stocker, daughter of land investor and racehorse breeder Elias J. “Lucky” Baldwin. Like her father, Stocker was known for her colorful personality and love of lavish things, including parties that lasted for days. (Baldwin Stocker’s 1929 obituary noted that out of her $10-million estate, about $1.5 million was jewelry, “the collection and wearing of which was her hobby.”)
Many of the 30 revamped interior and exterior spaces in the 1907 shingle-style home include details Baldwin Stocker would have loved. The Midnight Garden Dining Room by the House of Pontovi, for example, has an Italian Murano glass chandelier, feminine Art Deco-style swivel chairs with flapper-style fringe and a gold-leaf ceiling that has replaced Calico Corners fabric. The Entertainment Room by Studio Joshua features statement lighting by Los Angeles designer Jason Koharik, an 11 Ravens custom billiards table and a Champagne cooler built into the marble bar.
And the Bloom Lounge by the Art of Room Design is so large that it can accommodate several different seating areas, a game table and a hidden liquor cabinet — another nod to Baldwin Stocker, who was also known as “the Diamond Princess.”
It’s hard to decide what stands out more at the Baldwin Oaks Estate in Arcadia: the layered interiors that look ready for a shelter magazine, or the smaller spaces, like the closets, mudroom and hidden powder rooms that have been transformed into something special.
Here are a few examples of what to expect at the event, which supports youth music programs throughout Los Angeles County.
The Enchanted Room by Hattas Studios
Identical twins Hattas Wilson and Kennedy of Hattas Studios transformed a small 4-by-4-foot storage closet into a magical forest with their hand-painted mural depicting characters from stories like “Cinderella,” “The Little Mermaid” and “The Frog Prince.” A young Clara Baldwin appears with her dog, Lucky. You can touch the tiny lanterns to hear a story in each scene or simply curl up in the soft green fuzzy chair, close the velvet curtains and let your imagination wander.
Laundry and Craft Room by Arterberry Cooke Architecture
Architect Barrett Cooke turned laundry into a pleasure in this beautiful room, which doubles as a craft room outfitted with new rose-colored cabinets, playful circular Fireclay Tile, quartzite countertops and stunning views of the San Gabriel Mountains. “I straddled making it utilitarian with how beautiful it can be,” Cooke said of the local artists represented, including ceramics by Jen King, stained glass by Molly Miller, oil paintings by Lareina Holsopple and a print by local artist and Jungalow designer Justina Blakeney. “The art ties it all together.”
The vault in the Family Parlor Room by Jamie Loren Home
The family room is the only space with a television, but with a mah-jongg table, the TV hardly seems necessary. “We wanted to create a room where the family can congregate,” said designer Jamie Loren, describing the cozy parlor painted in the color Viridian Odyssey by Dunn-Edwards Paints. She also turned what used to be a gun closet into a “vault” filled with family heirlooms, including a typewriter, perfume, photos, jewelry and a flask. “This is an ode to Clara,” she said.
Powder Room by Rebecca J. Hansen Design Studio
Details make all the difference in the small powder room by Rebecca J. Hansen, who explains that both the room and the nearby vestibule are focused on mixing patterns while keeping a consistent color palette. Hansen chose patterned terra-cotta tile from Foothill Tile & Stone Co. in Pasadena for the walls, and just outside, she used wallpaper from House of Hackney with mythical animals. Brass hardware from Corston Architectural Detail, chalk pastels and bold wood trim painted a marigold color brought everything together. “It feels like I’m in a castle in England,” she said.
The second floor landing by Blue Brick Design
Designer Lara Hovanessian has transformed the foyer walls of both the first and second floors into a striking display for local artists Blakeney, Susanna Speirs Ali and Lareina Holsopple. The spaces feature the newly released Huntington Collection wall covering by Morris & Co. in the iconic Strawberry Thief motif, pink ceilings and Alberto Giacometti-style lighting from Visual Comfort.
The Mudroom by Gex Designs
Inspired by the shingles of the 1907 home, Noelle Gex Djokovich, known for last year’s playful flower-cutting room, has reimagined this space with custom cabinets, patterned floors and charming details such as a dog bed, a Lewis & Wood fabric skirt and a rag rug from Nickey Kehoe. “Adding layers to a small room makes you feel good when you come home,” she said.
The Magnolia Room by Cordrey Collection
Designer Steven Cordrey says the Magnolia wallpaper reflects his Southern roots and the Phillip Jeffries grasscloth on the walls is practical (“It’s easy to clean,” Cordrey says). He also likes to bring the outdoors in, pointing to the views of the estate’s grand oaks and pool from the second-floor bedroom. There’s a hidden touch too: Rock Zehler’s stylish dressing room, inspired by Art Deco and the 1970s, has a secret closet tucked behind a pocket door.
My beloved niece is graduating from the U.S. Naval Academy next month. She has invited me to attend her graduation ceremony. Typically, the president, the vice president or one of the president’s cabinet officials addresses the midshipmen and their families as the commencement speaker. But listening to a self-serving speech by any of these individuals would be nauseating for me given our current geopolitical situation. So, I’m inclined to skip the graduation ceremony and to attend the family party afterward. But that means I would miss watching my niece collect her diploma and make her first salute as a commissioned officer. Will she think I chose politics over honoring her achievement?
AUNT
Short answer: yes. Your niece will probably believe that you are prioritizing politics over her graduation if you skip the ceremony and attend the party a little later — because that is precisely what you will be doing. And that may be necessary for you. I am not here to judge your political or moral beliefs. But let me remind you that there is no Republican Navy or Democratic Navy. The armed forces protect all Americans.
Now, I don’t mean to minimize the tremendous influence that a sitting president wields on military matters while in office. And you may object fiercely to the current president’s military choices. But elected officials come and go, and it would be wrong to conflate politicians with the brave men and women who dedicate their lives to defending our country in the armed services. The president may be commander in chief, but only until the next one is sworn into office.
Still, I understand your ambivalence about attending a ceremony that features a speaker with whom you may disagree strongly. So, how about excusing yourself for that portion of the ceremony (provided that the actual speaker this year is objectionable to you)? If attending is still impossible, make sure to explain your absence to your niece in a way that distinguishes politics from the greater cause to which she is dedicating her young life.
Sometimes a Stop Isn’t Just to Smell the Roses
I was walking my dog on a leash recently when he stopped to sniff some flowers at the edge of a neighbor’s yard. My dog was standing on the public sidewalk. My neighbor asked me to stop my dog from doing that. She said it attracted other dogs. I figured she couldn’t see that my dog wasn’t peeing, so I said, “Oh, he’s just sniffing.” My neighbor replied, “This is not a dog park,” and turned away. This same neighbor has spoken to me harshly about my dog before. What is the best way to respond?
DOG MOM
Over decades of walking a string of much-loved dogs, I have observed that sniffing — flowers, sticks, bird poop on the sidewalk — can turn to peeing in a split second. And dog urine can kill flowers. So, despite your sound argument that your dog was not trespassing and your dislike of your neighbor’s snippy tone, focus on being a good neighbor: Keep your dog moving briskly past this neighbor’s yard.
Responsible dog owners are sometimes forced to pay for the sins of irresponsible ones. Your neighbor seems to dislike dogs, and it’s unlikely that you will convince her to make an exception for yours.
Commiseration Addict? Cut Off His Supply.
I need help with a co-worker. He is very effective in his position, but he complains nonstop — particularly about his workload. But the reason he has so much work is that he volunteered to take on additional duties. I’ve told him to speak with our supervisor. She is supportive and would reassign some of his work. How do I tell my co-worker to stop complaining? I’ve tried to be compassionate, but my patience is wearing thin.
CO-WORKER
In my experience, chronic complainers thrive on sympathy, and they often prefer the martyrdom of complaint to an actual solution to their problems. I have found a gentle clapback to be effective here. Say: “I’ve already told you how to fix this problem. Have you spoken to our supervisor yet?” (Spoiler: He probably hasn’t.) And he may not stop complaining entirely, but he will stop complaining to you.
Count Your Blessings, This Isn’t About You
Last week, we saw paramedics and then the police and then a hearse at our neighbors’ townhouse. I texted the couple to ask if they were OK and to offer our help. We are casually friendly with them. (We’ve had dinner in each other’s homes.) I have seen lots of family at the house this week, but we still don’t know who died: husband or wife. There has been no obituary online. Should I back off and let it go that they don’t want our family informed?
NEIGHBOR
I may be misreading your letter, but you seem to be more curious about what happened next door than broken up over the death of a neighbor. Your last line suggests that you are taking the situation personally, but the death has nothing to do with you! The grieving survivor has more on his or her mind right now than informing everyone who ever dined with them of the loss. Back off, and wait until you see an obituary or the surviving spouse to express your condolences.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
Not every crowd will gleefully applaud and cheer a known notorious villain. But the Disneyland faithful certainly will, as when Darth Vader set foot in the park’s Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge on Wednesday morning and the audience erupted in approving hollers.
Kylo Ren has officially been evicted from the fictional “Star Wars” town of Black Spire Outpost. Vader has instead taken up residence, and he will appear multiple times daily in front of the land’s militaristic TIE fighter before stalking the area on the prowl for Luke Skywalker.
In Vader’s first two appearances Wednesday, he spoke of his quest to hunt down the young Jedi. He was flanked by two classic Stormtroopers, who had different dialogue in each showing — one time critiquing Black Spire Outpost and later talking of a run-in with a Jedi.
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Vader isn’t the only new addition to the area. Leia, Han and Luke, the latter of whom previously appeared in the land for a limited time last year, are also now regularly appearing in Galaxy’s Edge.
Their presence marks a major shift in direction for the 14-acre theme park land. When Galaxy’s Edge opened in 2019, it was set at a fixed point in the “Star Wars” timeline, namely one in the middle of the latest films in the series.
This was done in part to promote the new cinematic works, but to also facilitate interaction, placing guests on an unknown adventure rather than one with a fixed outcome. It was a theme park experiment to see how much Disneyland attendees would lean in and role play.
But Disneyland wisely hasn’t completely pivoted on the Galaxy’s Edge mission. The characters appear out in the land and on a quest rather than simply standing and posing for photos.
Leia, for instance, spent the bulk of one appearance working with the furry Chewbacca to fix up the starship Millennium Falcon. Later, she joked around with Luke and asked young fans if they wanted to train to learn the ways of the Force.
We’ll have more on the changes to Galaxy’s Edge and what they mean for the future of Disneyland in our theme park newsletter, Mr. Todd’s Wild Ride.
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