Health

Mom’s Gripes About Sister-in-Law Put Daughter in a Bind

Published

1 year ago

January 16, 2025

Mom’s Gripes About Sister-in-Law Put Daughter in a Bind

My mother is hypercritical of my brother’s wife, to the point that she blames my sister-in-law for my brother’s “failings” (not getting a better job, not taking better care of his health, etc.). It has gotten worse now that there are grandchildren. My mother constantly criticizes how my sister-in-law is raising the kids, who are lovely and adore their grandparents.

Although my mother will occasionally raise criticisms with my sister-in-law and brother, I am mostly her audience.

I have a great relationship with my sister-in-law, and when my mother goes off on one of her rants, I defend her. I tell my mother how lucky she is to have such wonderful grandchildren, and point out that my brother is an adult who makes his own decisions. This just leads to an argument between my mother and me.

When I finally told my mother how much it hurts me to hear her say these things about my sister-in-law, she said that she needed to air her frustrations with someone. I want to be there for my mother, but I don’t like being put in this position. How do I navigate this?

From the Therapist: The short answer to your question is that you can navigate this by no longer engaging in these conversations. But I imagine you already know this. What you might be less aware of is that you aren’t being “put in this position” of supportive daughter, protective sister-in-law and unwilling confidante. You’ve chosen it, and it’s worth examining why you’ve signed up for a job you don’t want — and what makes it hard to resign.

Usually when we find ourselves repeatedly engaging in uncomfortable family patterns, it’s because they echo familiar roles from our childhood. It sounds as if you’re struggling with enmeshment, a relationship pattern in which boundaries between family members become blurred or are nonexistent.

Think of enmeshment as being like two trees that have grown so close together that their branches have become intertwined. While this might look like closeness, it actually prevents either tree from growing in a healthy way. In your case, your mother’s emotions and grievances have become so entangled with your own emotional life that it’s hard to distinguish where her feelings end and yours begin.

You mention wanting to “be there” for your mom even though these conversations hurt you. Many adult children who struggle to say no to their parents grew up serving as their parents’ emotional support system, or absorbing their parents’ feelings, even at the expense of their own. When you told your mother how much her venting hurt you, she responded not by acknowledging your feelings, but by asserting her need to “air her frustrations.” Her response reveals something important: She sees you as a vessel for her emotional overflow rather than as someone with valid feelings of your own. And yet, despite your hurt, you’re still more concerned about her feelings than yours.

You’re asking how to navigate this situation, but I think the deeper question is: How can you begin to value your own emotional needs?

You can start by reframing what it means to make a reasonable request, which is essentially what setting a boundary is. A boundary isn’t about pushing someone away. Instead, it’s about making a bid for connection. It’s saying: “I want to feel good being close to you, but when you do X, it makes me want to avoid you. Help me come closer.”

Establishing a boundary consists of three steps:

State the issue and the desire to come closer (what will make this possible): “Mom, I love you and want to support you, but these conversations about my sister-in-law put me in an impossible position and make me want to avoid talking with you, which I know isn’t what either of us wants. I’m happy to talk about other things together, but in order to keep our relationship strong, I need this topic to be off limits.”
Set the boundary (what you will do): “If you’re struggling with their choices, I’m happy to support you in finding a therapist who can help you work through these feelings. But if you bring up these frustrations with me, I’m going to end the conversation and we can talk another time about other things.”
Hold the boundary (do what you say): A boundary isn’t about what the other person will or won’t do. A boundary is a contract with yourself. If you say you’ll end the conversation when your mom brings up your sister-in-law, you need to hold that boundary every single time. If you end the conversation only 90 percent of the time, then why would the other person honor your request when 10 percent of the time, you can’t honor it yourself? Honoring your request might sound like: “Mom, I’m going to end the conversation now because I’m not comfortable talking about my sister-in-law. I love you, and we’ll talk later.”

If you start to feel guilty, remember that just because someone sends you guilt doesn’t mean you have to accept delivery. Remind yourself that when you become your mother’s outlet for criticism of your sister-in-law, you’re participating in a cycle that strains loyalties and causes you personal distress. And keep in mind that being a good daughter means setting boundaries that encourage our parents to grow, rather than enabling patterns that harm our family relationships.

Want to Ask the Therapist? If you have a question, email askthetherapist@nytimes.com. By submitting a query, you agree to our reader submission terms. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.

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Health

Common nighttime noise exposure may trigger heart problems, study suggests

Published

2 hours ago

February 28, 2026

Press Room

Common nighttime noise exposure may trigger heart problems, study suggests

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Living near heavy traffic could negatively impact your heart health.

A European study, published in the journal Environmental Research, found that exposure to nighttime road traffic noise is linked to changes in the blood, leading to worsened cholesterol and cardiovascular risks.

The researchers considered data from the U.K. Biobank, Rotterdam Study, and Northern Finland Birth Cohort 1966, including more than 272,000 adults over the age of 30, according to a press release.

Nighttime road noise exposure was estimated at all participants’ homes based on national noise maps. Researchers also took blood samples to measure the participants’ metabolic biomarkers for disease, then mapped the link between nightly noise levels and existence of biomarkers.

Exposure to loud noise was associated with increased concentrations of cholesterol-related biomarkers. (iStock)

The study found that people exposed to louder noise at night — especially sounds above 55 decibels — showed changes in 48 different substances in their blood. Twenty of these associations “remained robust” throughout all cohorts.

Exposure to loud noise was associated with increased concentrations of cholesterol-related biomarkers, especially LDL “bad” cholesterol, IDL (intermediate-density lipoprotein) and unsaturated fatty acids.

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As noise levels increased, starting at around 50 decibels, cholesterol markers rose steadily, the release stated.

The authors concluded that this study “provides evidence that nighttime road traffic noise exposure from 50 dB upward is associated with alterations in blood cholesterol and lipid profiles in adults.”

Researchers noted a link between traffic noise and cardiometabolic disease. (iStock)

Study co-author Yiyan He, doctoral researcher at the University of Oulu in Finland, noted that in this type of research, small effect sizes are expected, and environmental exposures such as traffic noise are “typically modest.”

SIMPLE NIGHTLY HABIT LINKED TO HEALTHIER BLOOD PRESSURE, STUDY SUGGESTS

“Despite this, we observed statistically robust and consistent associations across many biomarkers, especially those related to LDL and IDL lipoproteins,” she told Fox News Digital.

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“We also identified a clear exposure-response pattern starting at around 50 dB, suggesting that metabolic changes become more evident as noise levels increase.”

This aligns with public health guidance, as the World Health Organization recommends lower nighttime noise limits at around 40 to 45 dB, Yiyan He added.

“This finding may clarify the association between traffic noise and cardiometabolic diseases,” the researchers wrote. (iStock)

“The 55 dB level is often used as an interim benchmark associated with substantial noise annoyance and sleep disturbance,” she said. “In our study, we observed associations not only at 55 dB, but also indications of effects emerging at around 50 dB.”

The strength and consistency of the cholesterol-related associations were surprising, as these changes are usually “subtle.”

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“Instead, we found consistent associations across multiple large European cohorts, which strengthens confidence that the findings may reflect real biological patterns,” Yiyan He went on. “We were also interested to see that effects were minimal below ~50 dB, suggesting a possible threshold-like pattern.”

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The researcher noted that these findings were consistent across genders, education levels and obesity status.

The study was restricted to White Europeans, which posed a limitation. There was also a lack of information on the fasting status in the UK Biobank.

Changes in cholesterol levels were more severe than researchers expected. (iStock)

“Fasting can influence levels of certain metabolites, particularly fatty acids,” Yiyan He said. “However, based on UK Biobank documentation, fewer than 10% of participants were fasting for at least eight hours, and our main findings focused on cholesterol-related biomarkers, which are generally less sensitive to short-term fasting.”

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The researchers also lacked information on bedroom location, indoor noise exposure and time spent at home.

“These factors may introduce non-differential exposure misclassification,” Yiyan He said. “Additionally, noise exposure estimates were based on participants’ temporary residential addresses at the time of blood sampling, without considering the duration of residence.”

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“Many of these limitations would tend to bias results toward the null, so the consistent associations we observed remain noteworthy.”

Experts recommend taking measures to limit traffic noise at night. (iStock)

Based on this latest research, Yiyan He noted that nighttime noise is a “health-relevant exposure,” not just “an annoyance.”

“Our findings suggest that nighttime traffic noise may subtly but consistently affect metabolic health,” she said. “While the changes in cholesterol and lipid levels for any one individual are small, traffic noise affects a very large number of people, which means the potential public health impact could be substantial.”

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The researcher recommends taking measures like improving sound insulation, using noise-reducing strategies and placing bedrooms on the quieter side of the home when possible.

“Because sleep is a key pathway linking noise to health, protecting the nighttime sleep environment is especially important,” she added.

Angelica Stabile is a lifestyle reporter for Fox News Digital.

Health

The Best Time To Drink Coffee for Weight Loss and a Faster Metabolism

Published

13 hours ago

February 27, 2026

Press Room

The Best Time To Drink Coffee for Weight Loss and a Faster Metabolism

The Best Time To Drink Coffee for Weight Loss and Fat Burn | Woman’s World

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