Lifestyle
Evacuated? Hosting someone who is? Try these 9 tips for harmonious communal living
Togetherness can be a mixed blessing.
As the Palisades fire raged, every member of the Cullen family — deeply rooted in Pacific Palisades since the 1960s — found themselves displaced. 10 family members from multiple households there were forced to flee the homes they owned as the inferno swallowed up their neighborhoods.
Six of the close-knit group crowded into a Venice rental, along with their six cats, to figure out next steps. The apartment had three bedrooms, so everyone had a place to sleep, but it was still extremely challenging, says John Cullen, a 32-year-old software engineer. He and his partner, 27-year-old Weinkei Li, a medical assistant, suddenly found themselves living with John’s parents, both in their 70s, as well as his younger sister and her fiancee. The six cats who had come from three different homes had to be kept separately so as to avoid fights. One even briefly escaped before being found in a neighboring yard.
“There was definitely a lot to keep track of and that creates a chaotic environment — more stressors are introduced at a time that’s already so difficult and stressful,” John says. “We were all in so much shock. We were all dealing with grief in different ways and by the end of the week, we were definitely getting testy with each other. Though we were also trying our best to help each other out.”
The Cullens have since found separate places to live. But thousands of people, displaced by the wildfires, are finding themselves in communal living situations, of myriad configurations, by necessity. That might be with friends or relatives who have lent spare bedrooms or couches; it might be short-term apartment rentals with ad hoc roommates or multiple family members in a shared hotel suite. For many, the duration of these temporary living arrangements is uncertain.
“It’s an environment of intense overwhelm and nerves frayed to the edges.”
— Dr. Supatra Tovar, clinical psychologist
Communal living is challenging even in the best of times, says Dr. Supatra Tovar, a clinical psychologist and co-chair of the Los Angeles County Psychological Assn.’s Disaster Response Committee. But post-disaster, with evacuees suffering from recent trauma while also facing great uncertainty about the future, it’s especially trying for everyone involved.
“It’s an environment of intense overwhelm and nerves frayed to the edges,” Tovar says. “There’s overcrowding and privacy issues, emotional strain, managing different household norms and routines, navigating through financial pressures and, for evacuees, dealing with a feeling of lack of autonomy, which can be disempowering for them and uncomfortable for the hosts.”
Those challenges can produce complex, conflicting emotions that can be hard to understand. Evacuees may feel incredibly grateful for their hosts’ support while at the same time feeling resentful of their more stable living circumstances. Hosts may genuinely want to help and simultaneously become exhausted by their guests and the enormity of the situation. Both parties, even amid true affection for each other, may get on one another’s nerves, which is normal in any communal living situation, but especially so post-disaster.
“Emotional regulation is the most important thing you can practice,” Tovar says. “Know you will be on a roller coaster of emotions — anything is OK to feel at this time. Allow yourself to feel everything, move through it. Then see if you can find another way to think about things. Remember: you’re not your normal self right now.”
But accepting support during dire times — when society so often promotes self-sufficiency — is critical, adds Julie Cederbaum, a USC social work professor who specializes in families and trauma.
“Allowing yourself to be supported and uplifted by the people around you is critical to creating a sense of safety and healing,” she says.
Being together can even be healing. Finding ways to enjoy one another’s company — sharing conversation and laughter — can help remind you of the bond that brought you all together in the first place.
“We are inherently social creatures. Especially in times of crisis,” Tovar says. “Cultivating a sense of gratitude for being with your family and friends during this difficult time can go a long way towards navigating the stress and healing from this disaster.”
Here’s some advice for mitigating the stresses of post-fire communal living for both evacuees and those hosting them.
For everyone
1. Communicate your needs clearly from the start
Have a house meeting early on. Openly discuss needs and expectations. If your children have special needs, discuss that. If you bring pets, talk about managing their care. Get into the minutiae: what times do you typically wake up and go to bed? When do you eat meals? How can you merge these timelines or navigate them? Talk about how you plan to divvy up expenses such as groceries and utilities.
“If not addressed, it can lead to stress or resentments,” Tovar says. “Evacuees may have to adjust their routines, hosts may have to relax their rules. That first meeting is everything.”
2. Create personal spaces and manage clutter
Even if your living space is small, you can designate certain areas — a corner of the room or a patio — for individuals or families to have their own spaces. You can also set up privacy curtains, even if it’s just taping a sheet to wall. If the living space is small, manage clutter — keep things you don’t need every day, like extra clothing, books or suitcases, in your car or in hotel storage. If you have the ability, get foldable furniture and remove bedding during the day to ensure walkways are clear.
“Carving out personal space promotes a sense of agency,” Tovar says, “and provides you refuge if you need to get away from the crowd.”
3. Establish routines and cleanliness expectations
Create a schedule for when you’ll be using shared spaces, like the kitchen and bathroom, in order to prevent conflicts. Maybe that’s a rotation in the kitchen. Or using a timer with limits on how long each person’s shower should be.
“It’s a point of contention in any household: how long is the shower?,” Tovar says. “Discuss the needs of the household; use shared spaces equally.’”
If there are children in the home, adds Cederbaum, they do best with routines.“If multiple families are living together, create joint routines to support your children or merge existing ones,” she says, “so kids can transition in this new environment at a time when everything in their lives has been destabilized.”
“Allowing yourself to be supported and uplifted by the people around you is critical to creating a sense of safety and healing.”
— Julie Cederbaum, USC social work professor
For evacuees
4. Respect house rules
However you can merge with the household you’re in, within reason, will go a long way toward minimizing arguments and misunderstandings. Try to adapt to the household norms and routines. If the hosts have quiet hours, try to honor that even if it’s different from your usual lifestyle. If you feel the need to alter your living space, like rearranging furniture, ask permission.
“Any time you’re a guest, you feel like you’re tiptoeing a little,” Tovar says. “But remember: this space wouldn’t be offered to you if this person didn’t care about you and want you to be safe. So you may not need to tiptoe as much as a normal situation, because there’s a lot of grace. But also being considerate of your host can go a very long way to creating a peaceful environment.”
5. Contribute
Even though you may be quite busy filling out paperwork or replacing your belongings, contributing to the household, even in small ways, will go a long way. Offer to help with chores or groceries; cook breakfast or walk the dog. These tasks can help ease the burden on the hosts and return a sense of normalcy for evacuees.
“Talk to your hosts about incorporating routines from your own life so as to create a sense of normalcy for you,” Cederbaum says. “In a situation like this, where everything feels out of control — and you’re in someone else’s house — having a routine gives you a sense of order and control that reduces stress and anxiety.”
6. Seek external support
Taking advantage of the many resources available right now, like pro bono therapists, housing assistance — or just friends — is vital. Seeking external support can help you start to navigate your path toward more permanent housing and recover from the emotional loss.
“Some of us internalize things — we keep our feelings inside and don’t talk about it,” Cederbaum says. “Some externalize it — we talk about it all the time. If people offer help or a lending ear, you’re not burdening them by talking about your stress and worries and sadness. Taking opportunities to express how you feel is beneficial to your overall well-being.”
For hosts
7. Set boundaries early on
Be upfront about your expectations regarding shared spaces, chores and expenses. Establish a preliminary length of stay that you revisit toward the end of that time period so that it’s not open-ended. You may think you’re hosting someone for a week and it could turn into months, Tovar warns. Establish how much you can provide in terms of time and space and find out whether that aligns with your guest’s needs — and then revisit that later.
“Providing somebody a safe place after disaster is about the biggest donation you can give that person,” Tovar says. “You are doing so much for them and they’re so grateful to have this space to regroup. You shouldn’t feel like it’s an open-ended invitation for months and years. You also have to take care of your own life and routine and coming to a mutually agreed upon time to terminate the stay helps both people move forward and reclaim their lives.”
8. Practice empathy
It’s important to remember that your guests have just experienced an unimaginable loss. And while it’s important to maintain boundaries, offering emotional support by listening can help foster a more harmonious living situation. Avoid saying things that are aggressively positive like: “Perhaps this was for the best” or “Maybe this is God’s plan.” “Listening is the most important thing you can do rather than offering advice,” Tovar says.
“Recognize that even when discussions happen and routines are set up people may make mistakes and those conversations may have to happen again,” Cederbaum adds. “Be patient. It takes a minute for people to integrate and be focused, especially when their brain is overloaded.”
9. Encourage open dialogue
Consider a weekly house meeting and check in with your guests about issues like noise levels and taking time in the bathroom, rather than letting things simmer. Have an open dialogue that isn’t about finger-pointing but about finding solutions.
“Say: ‘Some people are not feeling like they have equal time in the shower. What can we do to solve this problem?’ And then open it up for everyone to discuss,” Tovar says. “Rather than saying ‘Hey, Fred, you took too long in the shower.’”
Also check in with your guests to find out what their progress is in terms of finding permanent housing. Understanding where they’re at and working with them to find the next space may also help you free up your space.
“Recognize that communication styles may differ and be adaptable,” Cederbaum says. “Remind them: We’re in this together.”
Booker Prize-winning novelist Julian Barnes turns 80 on Monday and has been very busy. “I can’t remember a period of months when there’s been so much going on,” he says. He’s pictured above in London in 2017.
Stuart C. Wilson/Getty Images Europe
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Stuart C. Wilson/Getty Images Europe
Six years ago, British author Julian Barnes was diagnosed with a rare form of blood cancer. But rather than feel angry or fearful, Barnes experienced a strange calm; he approached the disease with what he calls his “novelist’s interest.”
“I love talking to doctors and consultants and nurses. They stick their needles into your arm and take off pints of blood,” he says. “It’s very interesting. Though like many things, it does get a bit tedious on the 34th time of taking a pound of blood out of you.”
Cancer means that Barnes, who turns 80 on Jan. 19, will spend the rest of his life on chemotherapy drugs. Still, he says, he doesn’t grieve for his aging and ailing body.
“We are these creatures who come into this earth unbidden, not consulted, and we live a certain amount of time — much longer than our ancestors,” he says. “But because we live longer, our body begins to break down and the medical costs increase.”
Barnes’ new book, Departure(s), will publish the day after his birthday. Part memoir, part fiction, the book chronicles Barnes’ cancer diagnosis and his reflections on death. In a way, Departure(s) is a companion to his 2013 book, Levels of Life, which detailed the death of his wife Pat Kavanagh, who was also his literary agent. (Kavanagh died in 2008, just weeks after being diagnosed with a rare, hyper-aggressive brain tumor.)
Despite his frequent meditations on death, Barnes says he is “alive and enjoying myself.” He remarried in August, and is looking forward to his birthday and the publication of his book, which he says will be his last.
“It’s been a very strange five months up to now,” he says. “I can’t remember a period of months when there’s been so much going on.”
Interview highlights
On his “hybrid” books
I often write hybrid books, and Departure(s) is a hybrid. It’s not a term that publishers like. They like to have something that says “fiction” or “nonfiction.” … Quite a few of [my books] are actually hybrid, which mix autobiography, fiction, nonfiction, art criticism, whatever is relevant to my thinking about the book.
I’ve always been quite relaxed about this, but I know that it does annoy some people, and indeed, the character Julian Barnes is attacked at one point by one of the participants in this love affair, who he hasn’t met for 40 years or so. And she says, “I don’t like this hybrid stuff you do. I think you should stick to one thing or another.” And it was rather enjoyable to have a character rebuking me for the book that I was writing. I sort of enjoyed that. And I get cross with her and I say, “Well, you may like or not like one of my books, but I want you to know that I know exactly what I’m doing when I’m writing.”
On thinking about death on a daily basis
I was talking to a friend of mine who said, “Oh, I don’t think about death. I’m only 60, I’ll think about when it’s nearer the time.” And you think, well, death doesn’t quite necessarily operate in that fashion. Death could be an out-of-control motorbike coming around a corner and taking you out. You won’t have had much time to think in those three seconds before it hits you. One of my French gurus is the 17th-century philosopher Montaigne, and he said we should think about death on a daily basis. We should make it our familiar. That’s the best way of treating it. Not as some awful sort of ghastly skeleton with a scythe in its hand coming to chop us off. He says we should … almost domesticate it, tame it in this way, and then we should hope to die while planting out our cabbages. That’s a wonderfully sort of wise approach to it all. I haven’t got a vegetable garden anymore. I used to have one, and when I planted cabbages they didn’t do very well. That’s the only fault I can find with Montaigne’s view of death.
On how he expects his wife’s death will inform his own
She had a catastrophic diagnosis and was dead in 37 days. It was like being taken downhill in an avalanche and every day something got worse. It was, by a long way, the most appalling thing that’s just happened to me in my life, and the most blackest. The thing that most deprived you of sort of hope and balance really. It took me years to get over it, but I don’t think I shall mourn my own departure in quite the same way. …
You could say that she showed me how to die with grace and also with a consideration for other people who were coming to see her. She never got cross. She never became tragic or upset. So in some ways we were well-suited because I have that sort of temperament as well.
On experiencing suicidal thoughts
If you or someone you know may be considering suicide or is in crisis, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
I remember very clearly when I thought that I might kill myself. It was a few weeks after my wife had died and I was walking home and I looked across at the curb on the other side of the road … and I thought, of course you can kill yourself, that’s permissible, it’s not unforgivable in my morality. I’m extremely unhappy. I’m bereft. I’m lost, though I have many friends. I think I said, or a friend said to me — I can’t remember which way around it was — “Give it two years.” I said, “OK, I’ll give it to two years.”
But before that two-year period had elapsed, I discovered the reason why I couldn’t kill myself: I wasn’t allowed to kill myself, and that’s because I was the best rememberer of my wife. I knew her and I had celebrated her, in all her forms and in all of her nature. And I had loved her deeply. And I realized that if I killed myself, then I would in a way be killing her, too. I’d be killing the best memories of her. They would disappear from the world. And I just wouldn’t allow myself to do that. And at that point it just turned on its head and I knew I would have to live.
On his support of assisted dying
I think if I’m in extreme pain, with no chance of a cure for whatever illness I have, and I think if I’m getting no pleasure out of life, and as I see it, people are not getting any pleasure out me and my existence, then I have the perfect human right to end my own life. I don’t want to go to some industrial estate in Switzerland to do it, that sounds pretty grim. That’s why I’m a great believer and supporter of assisted dying in the U.K.
On the fallibility of memory
I used to believe — as I think most people do when they’re young — that memory was somehow something rather stable, that it was like you had something happen to you and you wanted to remember it, and so you took it along to one of those storage units which are along the sides of lots of main roads and outside city centers, and you deposited it there. And then when you needed that memory, you went there, you opened the box, you took it out, and there it was, as pure and as truthful as when you put it in. I went along with this sort of view of memory for quite a long time until I realized that actually memory deteriorates like everything else. And that, in fact, the more times you tell a story, the more times you subtly alter it, the more time you make yourself come out of it a little better, or you add a joke, and so on and so forth. So you could say that your best memories, the ones you’re fondest of, are your least reliable memories.
Anna Bauman and Nico Gonzalez Wisler produced and edited this interview for broadcast. Bridget Bentz, Molly Seavy-Nesper and Beth Novey adapted it for the web.
Harry Styles
I’ve Got Disco Fever on My New Album!!!🪩💋
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Updated
Harry Styles is officially back, y’all … the British heartthrob just announced his new album, “Kiss All the Time. Disco, Occasionally” — and it’s dropping March 6!
Yup, it’s been a brutal, nearly four-year-long drought, but the wait is almost over … ’cause in less than two months, Harry will finally feed the fandom fresh material, officially marking his fourth solo album and ending the longest silence of his career.
Produced by longtime collaborator Kid Harpoon, the album packs 12 brand-new tracks.
Of course, it wouldn’t be a Harry rollout without an artsy album cover — and he delivers with a disco ball dangling from the sky, as he clutches his shades and dances off to the side.
Waiting for your permission to load the Instagram Media.
No visible kissing just yet — but after three long years, fans are more than ready to volunteer … ’cause they’ve fully lost it online, flooding social media with thirst, tears, and countdowns as the drought officially comes to a dramatic, disco-lit end!
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias smiles during his star unveiling ceremony at the Walk of Fame in San Juan, Puerto Rico, Thursday, Sept. 29, 2016.
Carlos Giusti/AP
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Carlos Giusti/AP
BARCELONA, Spain — Spanish prosecutors are studying allegations that Grammy-winning singer Julio Iglesias sexually assaulted two former employees at his residences in the Dominican Republic and the Bahamas.
The Spanish prosecutors’ office told The Associated Press on Wednesday that the allegations were related to media reports from earlier this week that alleged Iglesias had sexually and physically assaulted two women who worked in his Caribbean residences between January and October 2021.
Iglesias has yet to speak publicly regarding the allegations. Russell L. King, a Miami-based entertainment lawyer who lists Iglesias as a client on his website, didn’t immediately respond to a request for comment by the AP.
The Spanish prosecutors’ office that handles cases for Spain’s National Court said that it had received formal allegations against Iglesias by an unnamed party on Jan. 5. Iglesias could potentially be taken in front of the Madrid-based court, which can try alleged crimes by Spanish citizens while they are abroad, according to the court’s press office.
Seeking justice in Spain over the Caribbean
Women’s Link Worldwide, a nongovernmental organization, said in a statement that it was representing the two women who had presented the complaint to the Spanish court. The group said that the women were accusing Iglesias of “crimes against sexual freedom and indemnity such as sexual harassment” and of “human trafficking for the purpose of forced labor and servitude.”
The organization said the women in their testimony also accused Iglesias of regularly checking their cellphones, of prohibiting them from leaving the house where they worked and demanding that they work up to 16 hours a day, with no contract or days off.
The organization said it did not reach out to authorities in the Bahamas or the Dominican Republic, and that it didn’t know whether authorities in those Caribbean nations have initiated an investigation.
Gema Fernández, senior attorney at Women’s Link Worldwide, said in an online press conference Wednesday that “Spanish legislation regarding sexual violence, gender-based violence and trafficking could be an interesting option” for the two women making the allegations against Iglesias.
“Listening to what (the two women) are seeking and their definitions of justice, it seems to us that filing a complaint with the Public Prosecutor’s Office of the National Court of Spain was the path that best suited their definition of justice. That is why we are supporting them along this path,” Fernández said.
Jovana Ríos Cisneros, executive director of Women’s Link Worldwide, asserted that Spanish prosecutors have decided to take statements from the two women and granted them the status of protected witnesses.
“Being heard by the Prosecutor’s Office is a very important step in the search for justice,” she said.
Fernández said prosecutors have not set a date to take statements from the women and noted that prosecutors have up to six months to determine whether the information they receive warrants a criminal prosecution. Those six months could exceptionally be extended to a year, she added.
The Prosecutor’s Office did not immediately return a message seeking comment.
A singer under scrutiny
Spanish online newspaper elDiario.es and Spanish-language television channel Univision Noticias published the joint investigation into Iglesias’ alleged misconduct.
Ríos said the two women initially contacted elDiario.es, which began investigating the allegations but also advised the women to seek legal help.
Spanish government spokeswoman Elma Saiz said that the media reports regarding Iglesias “demanded respect.”
“Once again I can reaffirm this government’s firm and complete commitment to take on any act of violence, harassment or aggression against women,” Saiz said Tuesday after the media reports were published.
Panky Corcino, spokesman for the Attorney General’s Office in the Dominican Republic, declined to comment, saying he couldn’t confirm or deny an investigation.
By law, any case in the Caribbean country that involves sexual aggression or violence must be investigated by prosecutors, even if no one has filed a complaint.
The 82-year-old Iglesias is one of the world’s most successful musical artists after having sold more than 300 million records in more than a dozen languages. After making his start in Spain, he won immense popularity in the United States and wider world in the 1970s and ’80s. He’s the father of pop singer Enrique Iglesias.
Julio Iglesias won a 1988 Grammy for Best Latin Pop Performance for his album “Un Hombre Solo.” He also received a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Grammys in 2019.
Spain’s culture minister said Wednesday that its left-wing government, which holds women’s rights and equality among its priorities, will also consider stripping Iglesias of the state’s Gold Medal of Merit in the Fine Arts that he was awarded in 2010.
“It is something we are studying and evaluating, because evidently we feel obliged to do so when faced by such a serious case,” Culture Minister Ernest Urtasun said.
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