Togetherness can be a mixed blessing.
As the Palisades fire raged, every member of the Cullen family — deeply rooted in Pacific Palisades since the 1960s — found themselves displaced. 10 family members from multiple households there were forced to flee the homes they owned as the inferno swallowed up their neighborhoods.
Six of the close-knit group crowded into a Venice rental, along with their six cats, to figure out next steps. The apartment had three bedrooms, so everyone had a place to sleep, but it was still extremely challenging, says John Cullen, a 32-year-old software engineer. He and his partner, 27-year-old Weinkei Li, a medical assistant, suddenly found themselves living with John’s parents, both in their 70s, as well as his younger sister and her fiancee. The six cats who had come from three different homes had to be kept separately so as to avoid fights. One even briefly escaped before being found in a neighboring yard.
“There was definitely a lot to keep track of and that creates a chaotic environment — more stressors are introduced at a time that’s already so difficult and stressful,” John says. “We were all in so much shock. We were all dealing with grief in different ways and by the end of the week, we were definitely getting testy with each other. Though we were also trying our best to help each other out.”
The Cullens have since found separate places to live. But thousands of people, displaced by the wildfires, are finding themselves in communal living situations, of myriad configurations, by necessity. That might be with friends or relatives who have lent spare bedrooms or couches; it might be short-term apartment rentals with ad hoc roommates or multiple family members in a shared hotel suite. For many, the duration of these temporary living arrangements is uncertain.
“It’s an environment of intense overwhelm and nerves frayed to the edges.”
— Dr. Supatra Tovar, clinical psychologist
Communal living is challenging even in the best of times, says Dr. Supatra Tovar, a clinical psychologist and co-chair of the Los Angeles County Psychological Assn.’s Disaster Response Committee. But post-disaster, with evacuees suffering from recent trauma while also facing great uncertainty about the future, it’s especially trying for everyone involved.
“It’s an environment of intense overwhelm and nerves frayed to the edges,” Tovar says. “There’s overcrowding and privacy issues, emotional strain, managing different household norms and routines, navigating through financial pressures and, for evacuees, dealing with a feeling of lack of autonomy, which can be disempowering for them and uncomfortable for the hosts.”
Those challenges can produce complex, conflicting emotions that can be hard to understand. Evacuees may feel incredibly grateful for their hosts’ support while at the same time feeling resentful of their more stable living circumstances. Hosts may genuinely want to help and simultaneously become exhausted by their guests and the enormity of the situation. Both parties, even amid true affection for each other, may get on one another’s nerves, which is normal in any communal living situation, but especially so post-disaster.
“Emotional regulation is the most important thing you can practice,” Tovar says. “Know you will be on a roller coaster of emotions — anything is OK to feel at this time. Allow yourself to feel everything, move through it. Then see if you can find another way to think about things. Remember: you’re not your normal self right now.”
But accepting support during dire times — when society so often promotes self-sufficiency — is critical, adds Julie Cederbaum, a USC social work professor who specializes in families and trauma.
“Allowing yourself to be supported and uplifted by the people around you is critical to creating a sense of safety and healing,” she says.
Being together can even be healing. Finding ways to enjoy one another’s company — sharing conversation and laughter — can help remind you of the bond that brought you all together in the first place.
“We are inherently social creatures. Especially in times of crisis,” Tovar says. “Cultivating a sense of gratitude for being with your family and friends during this difficult time can go a long way towards navigating the stress and healing from this disaster.”
Here’s some advice for mitigating the stresses of post-fire communal living for both evacuees and those hosting them.
For everyone
1. Communicate your needs clearly from the start
Have a house meeting early on. Openly discuss needs and expectations. If your children have special needs, discuss that. If you bring pets, talk about managing their care. Get into the minutiae: what times do you typically wake up and go to bed? When do you eat meals? How can you merge these timelines or navigate them? Talk about how you plan to divvy up expenses such as groceries and utilities.
“If not addressed, it can lead to stress or resentments,” Tovar says. “Evacuees may have to adjust their routines, hosts may have to relax their rules. That first meeting is everything.”
2. Create personal spaces and manage clutter
Even if your living space is small, you can designate certain areas — a corner of the room or a patio — for individuals or families to have their own spaces. You can also set up privacy curtains, even if it’s just taping a sheet to wall. If the living space is small, manage clutter — keep things you don’t need every day, like extra clothing, books or suitcases, in your car or in hotel storage. If you have the ability, get foldable furniture and remove bedding during the day to ensure walkways are clear.
“Carving out personal space promotes a sense of agency,” Tovar says, “and provides you refuge if you need to get away from the crowd.”
3. Establish routines and cleanliness expectations
Create a schedule for when you’ll be using shared spaces, like the kitchen and bathroom, in order to prevent conflicts. Maybe that’s a rotation in the kitchen. Or using a timer with limits on how long each person’s shower should be.
“It’s a point of contention in any household: how long is the shower?,” Tovar says. “Discuss the needs of the household; use shared spaces equally.’”
If there are children in the home, adds Cederbaum, they do best with routines.“If multiple families are living together, create joint routines to support your children or merge existing ones,” she says, “so kids can transition in this new environment at a time when everything in their lives has been destabilized.”
“Allowing yourself to be supported and uplifted by the people around you is critical to creating a sense of safety and healing.”
— Julie Cederbaum, USC social work professor
For evacuees
4. Respect house rules
However you can merge with the household you’re in, within reason, will go a long way toward minimizing arguments and misunderstandings. Try to adapt to the household norms and routines. If the hosts have quiet hours, try to honor that even if it’s different from your usual lifestyle. If you feel the need to alter your living space, like rearranging furniture, ask permission.
“Any time you’re a guest, you feel like you’re tiptoeing a little,” Tovar says. “But remember: this space wouldn’t be offered to you if this person didn’t care about you and want you to be safe. So you may not need to tiptoe as much as a normal situation, because there’s a lot of grace. But also being considerate of your host can go a very long way to creating a peaceful environment.”
5. Contribute
Even though you may be quite busy filling out paperwork or replacing your belongings, contributing to the household, even in small ways, will go a long way. Offer to help with chores or groceries; cook breakfast or walk the dog. These tasks can help ease the burden on the hosts and return a sense of normalcy for evacuees.
“Talk to your hosts about incorporating routines from your own life so as to create a sense of normalcy for you,” Cederbaum says. “In a situation like this, where everything feels out of control — and you’re in someone else’s house — having a routine gives you a sense of order and control that reduces stress and anxiety.”
6. Seek external support
Taking advantage of the many resources available right now, like pro bono therapists, housing assistance — or just friends — is vital. Seeking external support can help you start to navigate your path toward more permanent housing and recover from the emotional loss.
“Some of us internalize things — we keep our feelings inside and don’t talk about it,” Cederbaum says. “Some externalize it — we talk about it all the time. If people offer help or a lending ear, you’re not burdening them by talking about your stress and worries and sadness. Taking opportunities to express how you feel is beneficial to your overall well-being.”
For hosts
7. Set boundaries early on
Be upfront about your expectations regarding shared spaces, chores and expenses. Establish a preliminary length of stay that you revisit toward the end of that time period so that it’s not open-ended. You may think you’re hosting someone for a week and it could turn into months, Tovar warns. Establish how much you can provide in terms of time and space and find out whether that aligns with your guest’s needs — and then revisit that later.
“Providing somebody a safe place after disaster is about the biggest donation you can give that person,” Tovar says. “You are doing so much for them and they’re so grateful to have this space to regroup. You shouldn’t feel like it’s an open-ended invitation for months and years. You also have to take care of your own life and routine and coming to a mutually agreed upon time to terminate the stay helps both people move forward and reclaim their lives.”
8. Practice empathy
It’s important to remember that your guests have just experienced an unimaginable loss. And while it’s important to maintain boundaries, offering emotional support by listening can help foster a more harmonious living situation. Avoid saying things that are aggressively positive like: “Perhaps this was for the best” or “Maybe this is God’s plan.” “Listening is the most important thing you can do rather than offering advice,” Tovar says.
“Recognize that even when discussions happen and routines are set up people may make mistakes and those conversations may have to happen again,” Cederbaum adds. “Be patient. It takes a minute for people to integrate and be focused, especially when their brain is overloaded.”
9. Encourage open dialogue
Consider a weekly house meeting and check in with your guests about issues like noise levels and taking time in the bathroom, rather than letting things simmer. Have an open dialogue that isn’t about finger-pointing but about finding solutions.
“Say: ‘Some people are not feeling like they have equal time in the shower. What can we do to solve this problem?’ And then open it up for everyone to discuss,” Tovar says. “Rather than saying ‘Hey, Fred, you took too long in the shower.’”
Also check in with your guests to find out what their progress is in terms of finding permanent housing. Understanding where they’re at and working with them to find the next space may also help you free up your space.
“Recognize that communication styles may differ and be adaptable,” Cederbaum says. “Remind them: We’re in this together.”
