Culture
Mark Gastineau doesn't need your attention anymore
LEBANON, Pa. — Narrow evergreens tower over the split-level house, lining the long driveway. Arborvitae, they are called. There are 145 of them, and not one has a branch out of place.
When Mark Gastineau and his wife came to see this property for the first time a few years ago, he stopped at the trees that are the color of the uniform he once wore. The realtor told them to come inside and look around, but Gastineau didn’t need to go inside. All he needed to see were the trees.
“They’re the most beautiful trees in the world,” he says. “I love them.”
Gastineau was one of the most accomplished pass rushers in NFL history. But more than that, he was a star. After games ended and his teammates left, he sometimes stayed on the Shea Stadium field so he could feel the crowd’s roar in his chest. He sat on talk show couches for David Letterman, Oprah and Dick Cavett. He won the 1985 “Superstars” competition in Miami and was featured in a six-page spread for “Playgirl” magazine titled, “Mark Gastineau: Out of Uniform.”
Gastineau still is the kind of person who turns heads at the grocery store, with thick black hair slicked back into a mullet that would stick out from the back of a helmet if he still wore one. But he’s 67 now, living with the reverberations of the life he led.
Like many of yesterday’s football heroes, Gastineau has cognitive issues. Headaches come and go, and he tires more quickly than before. At one point he thought he had Parkinson’s, but he says two neurologists have ruled that out.
Gastineau survived Stage 3 colon cancer in 2019 — he wore a colostomy bag for a year — but the chemo left him with neuropathy. If offered, he’ll take a hand when getting out of a chair.
As he gazes out at his Arborvitae, what’s certain is Mark Gastineau isn’t Mark Gastineau anymore.
In his dreams, he was a rodeo cowboy, but as a child growing up on his family’s ranch in the White Mountains of Arizona, Gastineau lacked confidence. Other kids bullied him.
In 2019, Gastineau told the New York Post he had been repeatedly raped as a child, starting when he was 11, by a worker on the ranch. Terrified for his family’s safety, he explained to the Post, he had repressed the memories for more than four decades.
Gastineau repressed nothing else. Everything was a plea for acknowledgment. He was labeled an attention seeker. Really, he was an attention needer.
He performed his first sack dance at Round Valley High School in Arizona, then began a college experience that settled at East Central Oklahoma, an NAIA school. He had 27 sacks there and danced plenty.
Speed was his gift, so he worked to enhance it by running downhill in his driveway over and over in an early adaptation of overspeed training. When an NFL scout timed him in the 40-yard dash, Gastineau ran 4.6 seconds at 265 pounds. In disbelief, the scout told him to do it again. After another 4.6, the scout said his watch must have been off. He tried another, and Gastineau ran a 4.59.
Jets coaches were in charge of the North team at the 1979 Senior Bowl and needed a last-minute replacement player. New York’s Connie Carberg, the NFL’s first female scout, researched the possibilities. She phoned Gastineau to feel him out and was impressed by his determination and enthusiasm, so she recommended him.
His performance was so impressive that he was voted the most outstanding defensive lineman on the North team, and the Jets drafted him in the second round.
Mark Gastineau was a pioneer of both the quarterback sack and the post-sack celebration. (Tom Berg / Getty Images)
Gastineau rushed the passer like fire on a trail of gasoline.
“Dominant is the first word that comes to your mind,” fellow Jets defensive lineman Joe Klecko says. “In his best days as a pass rusher, I don’t think there was any better.”
Weighing as much as 290 pounds, Gastineau bench-pressed 400 and squatted 600. With the hunting instincts of a big cat — and an edge from the steroids he admits to taking — Gastineau went after quarterbacks with bloodlust.
“If the quarterback got up, I didn’t do my job,” Gastineau says.
In his third season in 1981, he had 20 sacks, one-half less than the league-leading Klecko. When the NFL made sacks an official statistic two years later, Gastineau’s 19 topped the league. Fans started calling the Jets’ D-line of Gastineau, Klecko, Marty Lyons and Abdul Salaam “The New York Sack Exchange.” Team publicist Frank Ramos used it in press releases.
After sacks, Gastineau celebrated by pumping his arms, jumping and punching a fist to the sky. “I’d just go nuts,” he says.
Happy birthday to our favorite sack dancer, Mark Gastineau!! pic.twitter.com/aQo5pvwLtg
— New York Jets (@nyjets) November 20, 2019
“He was like a young colt, full of energy, enthusiasm and passion,” Carberg says.
“I’d have to believe that Mark singlehandedly made the sack a glamorous play and made the NFL start keeping the sack as a meaningful statistic,” Jets coach Joe Walton once said. “He brought attention to it like no one before.”
The look-at-me wasn’t always well received, however. In 1983, Rams offensive tackle Jackie Slater took offense and went after Gastineau, precipitating a melee that saw 37 players fined.
It was the first of two brawls that week for Gastineau. Early one morning at Studio 54, the New York nightclub where celebrities and trouble always could be found, noses were broken and arrests made. Gastineau was convicted of misdemeanor assault and sentenced to 90 days of community service.
Klecko, the throwback, and Gastineau, the throwforward, were a fierce tandem on the field but an uncomfortable one away from it. “I didn’t like what he was doing at all,” says Klecko, the leader of the defense. “But he liked that spotlight.”
At one point, Klecko led Gastineau into trainer Bob Reese’s office. He closed the door and locked it. Then he pounded his thick index finger into Gastineau’s shaved chest.
“Your sack dance is killing us,” he told him. “You have to cut this s— out.”
The point was made.
“I was definitely afraid of Klecko,” he says. “He was two years above me, strong as an ox and knew how to intimidate.”
It wasn’t just the sack celebrations that created rifts. The reviews on Gastineau’s run defense were mixed. His relentlessness and ability to penetrate often resulted in running backs being dropped in the backfield, but on other plays, his gap assignment looked like a wide-open highway.
“Mark worried about the statistics more than I or anybody else did,” Klecko says. “He always wanted to get to the quarterback right away, so we used to have to make coverups on the run.”
An opportunity arose for a New York Sack Exchange poster, but Gastineau’s agent tried to make it a Gastineau poster. Eventually, after hard feelings, he was talked into posing with the others.
When teammates took issue with how he drew attention to himself, Gastineau purposely drew more, wearing a mink coat and driving a Rolls-Royce, a Ferrari and a Lamborghini. “Just to get back at them and piss them off,” he says.
Walton, however, told Klecko to go easy on Gastineau. The coach acknowledged having two sets of rules — one for the rest of the players and one for Gastineau. He was the only one allowed to use the telephone in the trainer’s room. If he was late for meetings — and he often was — no one was to say anything. Gastineau’s father, Ernie, ran the 40-yard dash with players.
“That team was full of cliques and petty jealousies,” says then-Jets wide receiver Wesley Walker, who recalls one teammate spitting a wad of chewing tobacco in Gastineau’s soda cup when he wasn’t looking.
Walker didn’t have a problem with the sack dances — “Those are things I enjoyed,” he said. “He didn’t do it in a malicious way. He created something. A lot of guys do that now.” But before the 1984 season, the NFL passed a rule that said players who participated in prolonged, excessive or premeditated celebrations would be penalized 15 yards. It was referred to as “The Gastineau Rule.”
Despite his production, Gastineau’s New York Sack Exchange teammates Joe Klecko (center) and Marty Lyons (right) had little love for him while he was playing. (Focus on Sport / Getty Images)
With 22 sacks that year, Gastineau set a record that stood for 17 seasons. “I just remember him bringing it every play,” says Hall of Fame Houston Oilers offensive lineman Bruce Matthews, whom Gastineau beat for one of those sacks.
The sacks won him fans but not friends. Teammates voted running back Freeman McNeil most valuable player on the Jets after he rushed for 1,070 yards — 13th-most in the NFL. At the Pro Bowl that season, one of five he played in, Gastineau had four sacks and two forced fumbles on the way to being named MVP. Then Klecko swiped Gastineau’s helmet and gave it to Raiders Pro Bowler Howie Long as a souvenir.
In a 1986 divisional-round playoff against the Browns, Gastineau was determined to knock quarterback Bernie Kosar out of the game. In the fourth quarter, Gastineau hit him with such fury and force that he popped three teeth from his mouth.
The hit was gratifying but only momentarily. It was third-and-24, and Gastineau was assessed a roughing-the-passer penalty that kept alive a touchdown drive that enabled Kosar and the Browns to win in double overtime. Gastineau’s teammates refused to speak to him afterward.
When players went on strike the following summer, Gastineau crossed the picket line, saying he needed the money to pay his estranged wife. As he was entering the Jets facility, teammates spit on his car. He got out of the car swinging.
While he was still married to his first wife, Gastineau began seeing Brigitte Nielsen, the 6-foot-1 Danish model known for her roles in “Red Sonja” and “Rocky IV” fresh off relationships with Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Nielsen had her people get in touch with his people after she saw him in a televised interview wearing nothing but a towel. They became the Taylor and Travis of their day. “People” magazine featured them on the cover, calling them “a pair of humongous lovebirds … unable to keep their hands or lips off each other.”
Through the first seven games of the 1988 season, Gastineau seemed revitalized. He was selected to serve as a game captain for the first time in his career, drew praise from teammates and was leading the AFC in sacks. He attributed his success to his happiness with Nielsen. But the relationship eventually became a wedge between him and the Jets.
Walker walked into an elevator at the team hotel and saw the two of them, expecting an introduction, but Gastineau never looked up, never said a word.
“I loved Mark and all my teammates,” Walker says. “But I think he did things that didn’t give a good indication of the type of person he really was. He got to be such a superstar that he kind of elevated himself over everybody.”
On Oct. 21, 18 days after Gastineau had three sacks in a game against the Chiefs, the 31-year-old stunned his team by announcing his retirement, citing Nielsen’s ovarian cancer diagnosis that was later discovered to be a precancerous condition.
After quitting football, Gastineau and Nielsen had each other’s names tattooed on their derrieres and partied from New York to Denmark to Scottsdale to Los Angeles. They broke up. She accused him of hitting her. They got back together. She got pregnant. Wherever they went, they saw spots from photo flashes. Gastineau says his drinking became a demon. It would be evident many times in the next dozen years or so.
After a tumultuous couple of years, Gastineau and Nielsen split for good in 1990. There was a comeback attempt in the Canadian Football League that lasted just four games, then a short-lived reincarnation as a boxer, where some of Gastineau’s opponents admitted throwing fights. He faced drug charges in 1993 after being arrested with 200 amphetamine pills at Sky Harbor International Airport in Phoenix and was eventually sentenced to three years of probation.
Multiple women accused Gastineau of domestic abuse, including Nielsen and his second wife. He denies those allegations. In 1998, he was charged with misdemeanor assault, menacing and criminal possession of a weapon against his then-girlfriend, who became his second wife shortly thereafter (a year later, he was arrested for violating a protection order she obtained against him).
Gastineau pled guilty and was sentenced to undergo counseling. He failed to show up and was sentenced to serve weekends in jail. When he skipped a weekend, he was ordered to spend one year at a residential treatment center in the Bronx. He says his attorney wrongly advised him that he could leave the state. When he did, he was arrested and sentenced to 18 months in prison.
At Rikers Island, the Bronx jail known for violence, abuse and squalor, he says inmates tried to intimidate him and shake him down for money. “Sometimes it was really, really, really scary,” he says. One day a Jets game came on the prison television. And he saw a player wearing No. 99 — his number. “How did I get here?” he asked himself.
This was the bottom. Right where he was supposed to be.
Gastineau has found peace at home with Jo Ann and Gracie. (Dan Pompei / The Athletic)
After 11 months, Gastineau was released from Rikers. When he had been in the residential drug treatment program, he met congregants of Times Square Church who invited him to attend a service there.
Whenever Gastineau met people at the church, he introduced himself by saying, “Mark Gastineau, New York Jets.” He saw himself as who he had been, not who he could be, and this made him wonder if God — or anyone else — could love him. He met with Pastor David Wilkerson, who founded the nondenominational church. “You are not Mark Gastineau anymore,” Wilkerson told him. “You are now a child of God.”
In 2005, he met a realtor who didn’t know anything about him. “Wait until you read about me,” he told her. “I’m not in the Hall of Fame. I’m in the hall of shame.”
She read about him and then came to believe he wasn’t Mark Gastineau anymore. “I went by how he treated me,” says Jo Ann Gastineau, who became his third wife in 2007.
Mark led Jo Ann to Times Square Church, which was just what she needed. And she was just what he needed. They volunteered to scrub the church’s public toilets and joined the choir. For a weekly rehearsal, they drove from New Jersey, which sometimes took hours. They took the drive again on Sundays to perform at three services — 10 a.m., 3 p.m. and 6 p.m.
“He couldn’t sing that well, so we put him in the top row,” pastor Carter Conlon says. “He said he thought it was because he was tall. But it was because the top row was the farthest from the microphone.
“I didn’t know anything about sports, but the sports fans couldn’t believe the same Mark Gastineau who played for the New York Jets was wearing a robe, clapping his hands, crying and singing.”
But Gastineau was still struggling with something — he couldn’t forgive Klecko. Conlon told him unforgiveness would hurt him more than Klecko and implored him to let it go. The former teammates were together for an appearance in 2020 in New Jersey, shortly after Klecko had shoulder surgery. Gastineau suggested they pray for healing. Klecko was deeply appreciative.
“I was a young kid,” Klecko says now. “If I could go back, I probably would have been more accepting of his way and tried to talk to him more about it. Once the game is set aside, you have a different life. There is no confrontation between us anymore. I wish him all the best.”
These days, whenever they see each other, Gastineau asks about Klecko’s family, and that means everything to Klecko.
“I shouldn’t have done the things that I did,” Gastineau says. “The playboy attitude I had basically brought me into an atmosphere that was really wrong.”
He was once the highest-paid defensive lineman in the NFL, and players around the league envied “Gastineau money.” But during his cancer ordeal, money was tight. A GoFundMe effort helped. His old teammate Lyons organized a fundraiser, and some powerful people stepped up anonymously.
Gastineau gets by now. Paychecks from appearances help. He established a scholarship fund through Times Square Church that benefits at-risk youth with “passionate desire to serve Jesus through sports or music-related ministries.”
Gastineau finished his career with 107 1/2 sacks — 0.78 sacks per game played. The only players with a better sacks-per-game rate in history are T.J. Watt, Deacon Jones, Myles Garrett and Reggie White. Sports Illustrated’s Paul Zimmerman once ranked him history’s seventh-greatest pass rusher. Yet with his complicated legacy, Gastineau has never been a semifinalist for the Pro Football Hall of Fame.
“To me, he is equally deserving as Joe Klecko for the Hall of Fame,” Matthews says. “When you were preparing to play the Jets, you highlighted him, and he still produced. I think that’s the epitome of a Hall of Fame player.”
When Klecko was inducted into the Hall of Fame last year, Gastineau attended. Klecko once said it would be an injustice if Gastineau was inducted. He thinks differently now, saying he would vote for him.
Being a Hall of Famer would be nice. But Gastineau doesn’t need a gold jacket. He doesn’t need to be noticed anymore.
“I have a wonderful life, a wonderful wife and this little dog,” he says, looking down at Gracie, their Golden Retriever who won’t stop giving affection. “They both love me, and that’s everything I need, you know?”
(Illustration: Sean Reilly / The Athletic; photos: Focus on Sport, Rick Stewart /Getty Images, Dan Pompei / The Athletic)
Culture
Poetry Challenge Day 3: W.H. Auden, The Poet and His Technique
Now that we’ve memorized the first half of our poem, let’s learn a little more about the man who wrote it. (Haven’t memorized anything yet? Click here to start at the beginning.)
For most of his life, Wystan Hugh Auden (1907-73) was a star. He was widely read, quoted, argued over and gossiped about, achieving a level of fame that few writers now — and not many then — could contemplate. His New York Times obituary did not hesitate to call him “the foremost poet of his generation.”
Celebrity of that kind is ephemeral, but Auden’s words have continued to circulate in the half century since his death. Maybe you’ve heard some of them before. In the 1994 film “Four Weddings and a Funeral,” his poem “Funeral Blues” is recited by Matthew (John Hannah) over the casket of his lover, Gareth (Simon Callow).
In the Gen-X touchstone “Before Sunrise” (1995), Jesse (Ethan Hawke) regales Celine (Julie Delpy) with an impression of Dylan Thomas reading Auden’s “As I Walked Out One Evening.”
In both these scenes, the characters use Auden’s poetry to give voice to a longing for which they otherwise might not have words. Auden’s poetry is often useful in that way. It speaks to recognizable human occasions, and it isn’t always all about him.
“The More Loving One” might not be something you’d quote at a funeral or on a date, but it is almost effortlessly quotable — the perfect expression of a thought you never knew you had:
Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.
Ken Burns, filmmaker
The word “I” occurs five times in this stanza, but we don’t know much about the person speaking. His personality is camouflaged and revealed by craft.
Auden, born in the northern English cathedral city of York, began practicing that craft as a schoolboy, and honed it at Oxford. Not long after graduating in 1928, he was anointed by critics and readers as the great hope of modern English poetry. A charismatic, divisive figure, he gathered acolytes, imitators and haters.
He swam in the intellectual and ideological crosscurrents of the 1930s, drawing Marxism, psychoanalysis and mystical nationalism into his writing. Assimilating a daunting array of literary influences — Old English and Ancient Greek, French chansons and Icelandic sagas — he forged a poetic personality that was bold, confiding and seductive.
His love poems of that era were candid, discreet dispatches from a calendar of feverish entanglements, wrenching breakups and one-night stands, usually with other men. He also wrote about the feverish politics of the time — class conflict; the rise of fascism; the Spanish Civil War — in ringing rhetoric he later disavowed.
In 1939 Auden moved to America, acquiring U.S. citizenship after World War II. In New York he fell in love with Chester Kallman, a young American writer who became his life partner.
It was a complicated relationship, starting as a passionate affair and enduring through decades of domestic companionship and creative collaboration. Kallman’s refusal to be sexually exclusive wounded Auden, a dynamic that poignantly shades this poem’s most memorable couplet:
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.
Yiyun Li, writer
In America, Auden distanced himself from the radical politics of his earlier career and embraced Anglican Christianity. His intellectual preoccupations shifted toward religion and existentialism — to the kinds of big questions we think about late at night, or when we look to the sky.
Making the leap from wunderkind to grand old man without seeming to stop in middle age, he became a mentor for several generations of younger poets. He was a prolific and punctual contributor of reviews and essays to various publications, including this one, for which he wrote a rave of J.R.R. Tolkien’s “The Fellowship of the Ring” in 1954.
Through it all, Auden devoted fanatical attention to the finer points of poetic technique. His notebooks are full of numbers, word lists and markings that show just how deep this commitment went. He counted every syllable, measured every stress.
He gathered rhymes and other words with a lexicographer’s zeal and a crossword puzzler’s precision.
The third stanza of “The More Loving One” is a miniature showcase of Auden’s skill. Of the four epigrams arrayed before us, it may be the most technically perfect.
Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.
W.H. Auden, poet
The rhythm is flawless, without an extra syllable or an accent out of place. The grammar is also fastidious. Here is a single sentence, springloaded with equivocation, beginning with one idea and sliding toward its opposite.
This quatrain is the poem’s ideal formal representation of itself, a kind of proof of concept: four lines of impeccable iambic tetrameter in an AABB rhyme scheme. The by-the-book regularity of this stanza should give you a leg up in memorizing it, and you can test yourself below!
But the rest of the poem is an argument against perfection, just as it is a celebration of uncertainty and humility — as we’ll see tomorrow.
Play a game to learn it by heart. Need more practice? Listen to Ada Limón, Matthew McConaughey, W.H. Auden and others recite our poem.
Question 1/6
Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
Tap a word above to fill in the highlighted blank.Your first task: Learn the first two lines!
Let’s start with the first couplet in this stanza. Fill in the rhyming words.
Ready for another round? Try your hand at the 2025 Poetry Challenge.
Edited by Gregory Cowles, Alicia DeSantis and Nick Donofrio. Additional editing by Emily Eakin,
Joumana Khatib, Emma Lumeij and Miguel Salazar. Design and development by Umi Syam. Additional
game design by Eden Weingart. Video editing by Meg Felling. Photo editing by Erica Ackerberg.
Illustration art direction by Tala Safie.
Illustrations by Daniel Barreto.
Text and audio recording of “The More Loving One,” by W.H. Auden, copyright © by the Estate of
W.H. Auden. Reprinted by permission of Curtis Brown, Ltd. Photograph accompanying Auden recording
from Imagno/Getty Images.
Culture
Book Review: ‘Permanence,’ by Sophie Mackintosh
PERMANENCE, by Sophie Mackintosh
Sophie Mackintosh’s novels are always speculative in some way, with either the author or her characters forging a world governed by its own logic and rules. In their boldness and their ability to convey the violence of patriarchy, they recall the work of Jacqueline Harpman — not only the cherished “I Who Have Never Known Men,” but also “Orlanda,” her wild riff on Virginia Woolf’s “Orlando.”
Like Harpman, Mackintosh has a spare and confident hand. Her work is sometimes described as dreamlike; certainly, its contours are sketched with rapidity and confidence and relatively little detail. Her prose operates according to the same principle, at once lyrical and precise, like this from her second novel, “Blue Ticket”: “On the ground was a dead rabbit, disemboweled. Still fresh, the dark loops of its insides glistening like jam.”
When Mackintosh writes about masculine power, she does so in a way that articulates both its seductions and its terrors. Her newest novel, “Permanence,” is less explicitly concerned with the structure of patriarchy, but it has the same erotic charge as her earlier work, the same preoccupation with social prohibitions and the thrill that comes from breaking them.
Like “Blue Ticket,” “Permanence” turns on a highly pronounced binary. In “Blue Ticket,” adolescent girls are issued either a blue or white ticket on the day of their first period. A white ticket denotes a future of marriage and children, a blue ticket one of work — even, it seems, a career. The divide is stark and self-evidently faulty, its coarseness an expression of the brutalizing regime the characters are trapped in.
“Permanence” features a similar opposition, neatly delineated. Clara and Francis are conducting an illicit affair. One morning, they wake up in an alternate reality where they are openly living together. The novel shuttles between these two worlds, one ordinary and familiar, the other a curdled paradise for adulterers.
The thinness of this “city of impermanence” — “fluid, cohesive and yet disparate” — emerges at once. The sky is “uncannily blue,” the newspaper bears no date, the edge of the city is marked by “a slick ring of water, as far as the eye could see.”
Still, a boundary cannot keep the other world from seeping in. Initially, elegantly, this is a problem in the structure of desire. Having been provided the life they dreamed of, in which their longing for each other is fully met, Clara and Francis begin to experience, to their uneasy surprise, boredom and discontent.
Without absence, the intensity of their desire for each other wanes. They even begin, or at least Francis does, to long for the relief of their ordinary life: “Another day ahead of them of petting, giggling, lying around. It seemed insubstantial suddenly, though only the day before he had felt he could do it forever.”
Soon enough, it becomes clear that the problem between Francis and Clara doesn’t lie in the outside impediments of the world they live in, but in their relationship itself. Francis remains troublingly himself — a married father of a small child, reluctant to leave his family, however much he is in love with Clara: “He did love her, and he did want to be with her. … But he already had reality elsewhere, reality which he sometimes felt trapped by, he would admit, but which he could not truly imagine cutting loose.”
“Permanence” might seem like an outlier in the current array of articles and books about open marriages and polyamory, and at first glance the line of distinction between the two worlds, much like the division between blue and white tickets, seems almost old-fashioned. But as Mackintosh persuasively illustrates, the familiar emotions of jealousy, infatuation and eventually indifference — these persist and can flourish in any relationship, however free of prohibition.
“You want this,” Clara tells herself, and then, “You no longer want this,” as it occurs to her that “maybe it was in absence that they loved each other best, and most honestly.”
In her work, Mackintosh devises scenarios that are bold and almost aggressively simplified. But her terrain is complexity and contradiction, and in her hands these oppositions twist and turn in on themselves.
It’s hardly a surprise when the central character in “Blue Ticket” decides to eschew her designation and have a child, declaring, “True and false were no longer opposing binaries. My body was speaking to me in a language I had not heard before.” Nor is it especially startling when discontent chases Clara and Francis from one world to the other, unraveling their relationship.
What is more disquieting is the surreptitious ease with which Mackintosh’s speculative worlds start to align with our own, allowing the reader to see how so many of the old prohibitions and conventions — around choice, around marriage — remain, somehow, firmly in place.
That moment of recognition, in a landscape that is startlingly alien, is the source of Mackintosh’s power as a writer.
PERMANENCE | By Sophie Mackintosh | Avid Reader Press | 240 pp. | $28
Culture
Poetry Challenge Day 2: Love, How It Works and What It Means
Maybe you woke up this morning haunted by the first four lines of W.H. Auden’s “The More Loving One” — or tickled by its tongue-in-cheek handling of existential dread. (Not ringing any bells? Click here to begin the Poetry Challenge).
This is a love poem. Perhaps that seems like an obvious thing to say about a poem with “Loving” in its title, but there isn’t much romance in the opening stanza.
Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.
Ada Limón, poet
Nonetheless, the poem soon makes clear that love is very much on its mind.
How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
David Sedaris, writer
The polished informality gives the impression of a decidedly cerebral speaker — someone who’s looking at love philosophically, thinking about how it works and what it means.
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.
Reginald Dwayne Betts, poet
Musing this way — arguing in this fashion — he stands in a long line of playful, thoughtful poetic lovers going back at least to the 16th century. He sounds a bit like Christopher Marlowe’s passionate shepherd:
Come live with me and be my love,
And we will all the pleasures prove,
That Valleys, groves, hills, and fields,
Woods, or steepy mountain yields.
Auden’s poem, like Marlowe’s, is written in four-beat lines:
How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
Josh Radnor, actor
And it features strong end rhymes:
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.
Samantha Harvey, writer
These tetrameter couplets represent a long-established poetic love language. Not too serious or sappy, but with room for both earnestness and whimsy. And even for professions of the opposite of love, as in this nursery rhyme, adapted from a 17th-century epigram:
I do not like thee, Doctor Fell
The reason why I cannot tell.
But this I know and know full well
I do not like thee, Doctor Fell.
There is some of this anti-love spirit in Auden’s poem too, but it mainly follows a general rule of love poetry: The person speaking is usually the more loving one.
This makes sense. To write a poem requires effort, art, inspiration. To speak in verse is to tease, to cajole, to seduce, all actions that suggest an excess of desire. That’s why it’s conventional to refer to the “I” in a poem like this as the Lover and the “you” as the Beloved. The line “Let the more loving one be me” could summarize a lot of the love poetry of the last few thousand years.
But who, in this case, is the beloved? This isn’t a poem to the stars, but about them. Or maybe a poem that uses the stars as a conceit and our complicated feelings about them as a screen for other difficult emotions.
What the stars have to do with love is a tricky question. The answer may just be that the poem assumes a relationship and then plays with the implications of its assumption.
This kind of play also has a long history. Since love is both abstract and susceptible to cliché, poets are eager to liken it to everything else under the sun: birds, bees, planets, stars, the movement of the tides and the cycle of the seasons. Andrew Marvell’s “Definition of Love,” from the 1600s, wraps its ardor in math:
As lines, so loves oblique may well
Themselves in every angle greet;
But ours so truly parallel,
Though infinite, can never meet.
The literary term for this is wit. The formidable 18th-century English wordsmith Samuel Johnson defined a type of wit as “a combination of dissimilar images, or discovery of occult resemblances in things apparently unlike.” “The most heterogeneous ideas are yoked by violence together,” he wrote; that kind of conceptual discord defines “The More Loving One.”
The second stanza is, when you think about it, a perfect non sequitur. A hypothetical, general question is asked:
How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
Mary Roach, writer
The answer is a personal declaration that is moving because it doesn’t seem to apply only or primarily to stars:
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.
Tim Egan, writer
Does this disjunction make it easier or harder to remember? Either way, these couplets start to reveal just how curious this poem is. We might find ourselves curious about who wrote them, and whom he might have loved. Tomorrow we’ll get to know Auden and his work a little better.
Play a game to learn it by heart. Need more practice? Listen to Ada Limón, Matthew McConaughey, W.H. Auden and others recite our poem.
Question 1/6
How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
Tap a word above to fill in the highlighted blank.
Your task today: Learn the second stanza!
Let’s start with the first couplet in this stanza. Fill in the rhyming words.
Ready for another round? Try your hand at the 2025 Poetry Challenge.
Edited by Gregory Cowles, Alicia DeSantis and Nick Donofrio. Additional editing by Emily Eakin,
Joumana Khatib, Emma Lumeij and Miguel Salazar. Design and development by Umi Syam. Additional
game design by Eden Weingart. Video editing by Meg Felling. Photo editing by Erica Ackerberg.
Illustration art direction by Tala Safie.
Illustrations by Daniel Barreto.
Text and audio recording of “The More Loving One,” by W.H. Auden, copyright © by the Estate of
W.H. Auden. Reprinted by permission of Curtis Brown, Ltd. Photograph accompanying Auden recording
from Imagno/Getty Images.
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