We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Washington
Advice | Dad insists on lectures that drive teens away. Hax readers give advice.
He gets mad and says he’s obligated as a parent to provide “guidance,” and if the kids need to get mad at him in order to be “motivated,” then he’s fine with that. I only give advice to the kids when asked or when they are thinking of doing something that has serious negative consequences — hence they tend to talk to me about their lives.
I’ve told my husband he’s pushing the kids away, but he justifies it as good parenting. I’m so tired of this cycle. What can I do?
Tired Parent: There isn’t a lot you can do. But step one is to sit your husband down at a happy time and tell him you have something important to discuss. Ask him to stretch himself to listen with an open mind. Then spell out the cycle as simply as you did in your letter. Ask him to reflect on what you’ve said, if there is any part he can relate to. If he is open to the idea of accepting your influence, you could come up with a lighthearted code word (Polonius!) to let him know he’s doing it.
That’s it. You’re done. One of the axioms of life is that we can’t control other people. He may continue to offer copious guidance and the kids may avoid him. It’s frustrating, but families survive worse. And to moderate your frustration, you can always remind yourself that your teens are all likely tolerating annoying and predictable behaviors from you, too!
Tired Parent: You can accept that you can’t change him and focus on your own relationship with your kids. Stop worrying about his relationship with them. Make up your mind to let the consequences fall where they may. Although you may be affected by those consequences, they are between him and the kids. Once you accept that, you can step back, take a breather and stop worrying.
That’s what your kids need from you — someone who’s focused on them, not on what your husband should or shouldn’t do. You probably aren’t doing your kids any favors by letting your husband’s behavior upset you.
Tired Parent: When my kids were teens, my husband began a group text thread with them he called Life Lessons. They were general guidance texts. They included things like the lesson of compound interest, or why never to lie, or how to speak up for yourself, together with a quick related story from his life. He sent one every few weeks. Occasionally he got a response from them, usually just a “thumbs up,” but he never asked for or expected one.
Years later, the kids told us how much they loved that thread, that they read every single text (maybe not right away), often shared the advice with friends, and still reread it now that they are adults. I believe they especially loved the personal stories he’d attach to them. He still does it, although much less frequently.
Tired Parent: Parents tend to be overbearing when they’re scared of something. I know I am! It’s tempting to go into long explanations about something, but I’ve realized that’s more about making myself feel better that I’ve explained something to them versus knowing what the actual best way is to share information with them.
So one thing to ask your husband: What is he scared of? Or worried about? As a parent, most of the job is worrying. We have to figure out if what we’re doing to address these fears is for us, or for our kids. And addressing your husband’s fears can help him be less overbearing — and you’ll learn something helpful, too!
— Parent/Therapist in CO
Tired Parent: You can try to keep a good relationship between father and kids by encouraging family events that don’t involve lectures. All of you could go to a professional sporting event, a rock concert or the movies — anywhere talking is virtually impossible. Get your kids involved in planning and ask them what they would like to do with their dad. Then, when they are past the lecture stage, your kids will also have some happy memories with their dad.
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
Washington
Bridge collapse on Washington Avenue leaves emergency crews racing to rescue victims
WHEELING, W.Va. — Emergency crews are responding to a major incident at the Washington Avenue Bridge, which has collapsed into Wheeling Creek.
Multiple police and firefighter units are on the scene, working swiftly to rescue those injured in the collapse.
Three injured workers have been taken to the hospital. Officials say one is a serious injury and two are non-life threatening.
Access to the area has been closed to facilitate rescue operations.
The bridge was closed in early December for a replacement that was expected to take nearly a year.
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Washington
Dynamite, Floods and Feuds: Washington’s forgotten river wars
A look back at Washington’s historic flooding
It’s been a few weeks since the historic flooding hit the streets of western Washington, and if you scroll through social media, the shock still seems fresh. While some insist it was a once-in-a-generation disaster, state history tells a different story.
TUKWILA, Wash. – After floodwaters inundated western Washington in December, social media is still filled with disbelief, with many people saying they had never seen flooding like it before.
But local history shows the region has experienced catastrophic flooding, just not within most people’s lifetimes.
A valley under water
What may look like submerged farmland in Skagit or Snohomish counties is actually an aerial view of Tukwila from more than a century ago. Before Boeing, business parks and suburban development, the Kent Valley was a wide floodplain.
In November 1906, much of the valley was underwater, according to city records. In some places, floodwaters reached up to 10 feet, inundating homesteads and entire communities.
“Roads were destroyed, river paths were readjusted,” said Chris Staudinger of Pretty Gritty Tours. “So much of what had been built in these areas got washed away.”
Staudinger has been sharing historical images and records online, drawing comparisons between the December flooding and events from the late 1800s and early 1900s.
“It reminded me so much of what’s happening right now,” he said, adding that the loss then, as now, was largely a loss of property and control rather than life.
When farmers used dynamite
Records show flooding was not the only force reshaping the region’s rivers. In the late 1800s, farmers repeatedly used dynamite in attempts to redirect waterways.
“The White River in particular has always been contentious,” explained Staudinger. “For farmers in that area, multiple different times starting in the 1890s, groups of farmers would get together and blow-up parts of the river to divert its course either up to King County or down to Pierce County.”
Staudinger says at times they used too much dynamite and accidentally sent logs lobbing through the air like missiles.
In one instance, King County farmers destroyed a bluff, permanently diverting the White River into Pierce County. The river no longer flowed toward Elliott Bay, instead emptying into Commencement Bay.
Outraged by this, Pierce County farmers took their grievances to the Washington State Supreme Court. The court ruled the change could not be undone.
When flooding returned, state officials intervened to stop further explosions.
“To prevent anyone from going out and blowing up the naturally occurred log jam, the armed guards were dispatched by the state guard,” said Staudinger. “Everything was already underwater.”
Rivers reengineered — and erased
Over the next century, rivers across the region were dredged, dammed and diverted. Entire waterways changed or disappeared.
“So right where the Renton Airport is now used to be this raging waterway called the Black River,” explained Staudinger. “Connected into the Duwamish. It was a major salmon run. It was a navigable waterway.”
Today, that river has been reduced to what Staudinger described as “the little dry trickle.”
Between 1906 and 1916, the most dramatic changes occurred that played a role in its shrinking. When the Ballard Locks were completed, Lake Washington dropped by nine feet, permanently cutting off its southern flow.
A lesson from December
Despite modern levees and flood-control engineering, December’s storms showed how vulnerable the region remains.
“For me, that’s the takeaway,” remarked Staudinger. “You could do all of this to try and remain in control, but the river’s going to do whatever it wants.”
He warned that history suggests the risk is ongoing.
“You’re always one big storm from it rediscovering its old path,” said Staudinger.
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The Source: Information in this story came from the Tukwila Historical Society, MOHAI, Pretty Gritty Tours, and FOX 13 Seattle reporting and interviews.
Washington
Deputies shoot armed suspect in Leesburg Walmart parking lot
Deputies shot an armed suspect in the parking lot of a Walmart store in Leesburg, Virginia, late Tuesday morning, authorities say.
Detectives, deputies and special agents from the FBI had tracked the suspect down after he tried to rob the Bank of America at Dulles Crossing on Monday, the Loudoun County Sheriff’s Office said. The suspect, who still hasn’t been named, didn’t get any money before taking off from the bank.
Authorities found the suspect was parked at the back of the Walmart parking lot just before noon Tuesday.
Deputies pulled up behind the suspect’s blue sedan at the back of the Walmart parking lot about 11:40 a.m. Tuesday. As they approached, the suspect got out with a gun, Sheriff Mike Chapman said.
Deputies then fired their guns at the suspect, hitting him. Chapman did not say how many times the suspect was shot or give specific information about his injuries.
Medics took the suspect to a hospital.
No deputies were injured, the sheriff’s office said.
Chapman said it was too early in the investigation to say if the suspect fired his gun or how many officers were involved in the shooting.
Stay with News4 for updates to this developing story.
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