Dear Carolyn: For the last three years, my adult daughter has been in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple. They live in another state, and I’ve met the couple only twice. I like the wife more than the husband. She’s similar to my daughter. Both women hold well-paying jobs with potential for advancement. The husband puts in his 40 hours at a mediocre job, then plays video games while his wife and my daughter take care of the house.
Washington
Advice | Carolyn Hax: Mom worries about daughter’s family plans with polyamorous couple
But here’s where things have gotten really difficult for me. The couple recently decided to have a baby. My daughter announced this by telling me out of the blue, “You could be a grandmother soon.” I hate to be shallow, but any baby this couple has will not feel like my grandchild.
After I processed the information for a few days, my daughter and I had a long talk. I expressed my feelings, that the baby would have two sets of doting biological grandparents and I would just be some woman they saw every once in a while. I also asked my daughter if she was ready for the many changes a baby would make to their lives.
My daughter said she understood. Well, suddenly, she tells me she will adopt the baby as a “third parent.” (The wife is not yet pregnant.) I asked her if she fully understood all that adoption entailed. If she and the couple ever broke up, she would still be the child’s legal parent. I asked her why she felt the need to adopt the child and advised her to see an attorney before making any decision.
I’m worried she’s planning to adopt because of my remark about not feeling a grandmotherly connection. Also, could they be using my daughter as a cash cow to finance their dream? I’m confused and losing sleep. Do I keep my mouth shut or give my honest opinion when asked? I love my daughter dearly and would hate to drive a wedge between us.
Struggling Mom: I have a bunch of opinions right now, and I doubt “wouldn’t feel like a real grandmother” would be foremost among them if I were in your position. Though none of us knows how we will feel until we get to a situation ourselves.
This I do know: Your daughter’s domestic arrangements are not for you (or me) to fix for her, and your feelings are not for your daughter to fix for you.
Some part of your daughter’s life will always confuse you — that’s in a kid’s job description. But you can go a long way toward easing your mind if you keep those basic lines clear. Her home life is hers, and your feelings are yours.
Your responses so far to her news have blurred these lines. (In a food-processor kind of way.) Unless she asked your opinion, your warnings and concerns were incursions into her business. Well-meaning, for sure, but incursions nonetheless. A would-be grandmother is no more entitled to weigh in on an adult’s family planning than anyone else.
Plus, um, the thing you carefully composed as, “Are you sure you’re ready for the big life changes?” always comes out as, “You shouldn’t have a baby!” Always. Ask anyone who has been on the receiving end.
Your daughter is still communicating with you after this, so that’s good. You two are strong, I’m guessing.
Meanwhile, it is not her job to make life choices that help her parent feel better. Adults get to have or not have children as they are able to and see fit to. If you want to feel like a grandmother, then make the best of the opportunities — the grandchildren — you’re given. What else can I say? What else can you do?
I don’t mean to sound unfeeling. As I said at the outset, I have plenty of thoughts of my own here; they’re simply not relevant to the math of the situation. Which is:
· Your daughter will do what your daughter will do.
· You do not have a meaningful say in what that is.
· Your choice is to embrace your daughter, as is, misgivings and all, and any baby if there ever is one, or to distance yourself.
· If this choice comes with feelings you feel unable to manage or contain, then don’t expect your daughter to help you with that. Seek help from outside your shared family circle.
· If she asks your advice on X, ask how she feels about X and proceed from there.
· And if you already feel more distant from your daughter than you would like, then now beats later as the time to try to remedy that.
You were right to make one point, even if she already knew it: lawyer. Laws and families are evolving. Plus, the wise leave neither their hearts nor their children’s custody to chance.
Last thing, for you: If you ever think there’s no place for you amid younger generations because they’ve changed too much, then the mistake is yours. Adapt, or don’t; not one digit of that math has changed.