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Advice | Carolyn Hax: Best friend is poised to estrange parents over misunderstanding

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Advice | Carolyn Hax: Best friend is poised to estrange parents over misunderstanding


Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: I love my best friend since childhood dearly, but she believes she’s the world’s biggest victim of middle-child syndrome, when I think she can act rather spoiled.

She had a baby seven months ago and complains constantly about how her parents aren’t stepping up compared with how much they help with her older sister’s kids. I know her parents. They are lovely people who care for their daughter and their newest grandchild deeply. They do help a lot with the other kids, but the imbalance is primarily circumstantial, namely distance: 10 minutes from the sister and 45 minutes from her on a highway in good traffic. Our parents all have more limits than they used to even a couple of years ago.

Recently, she confessed to me that she’s seriously thinking of cutting them off from her son entirely after they “refused” to come babysit so she and her husband could have a date night for their anniversary. She said their reasoning — that they’re not comfortable driving in the dark anymore — was just an excuse.

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I gently tried to suggest that she’s not viewing her parents fairly, and tried to probe whether she’s dealing with any postpartum depression that’s clouding her judgment, but she just said, “Of course I’m depressed when my parents blatantly favor their other grandkids.” She then refused to respond to any of my texts or calls for the next two weeks.

I have since avoided the topic with her, but I believe she’ll do it. It will devastate her parents, rob her son of his grandparents and drive a wedge with her other siblings. I don’t know how to get through to her. Help!

Best Friend: It must be crazy-making to watch this play out: For her to deny her child these grandparents just because she refuses to accept a ridiculously common problem — declining night vision in older adults! — is parental malpractice.

She can frame her parents’ choices in the best possible way or the worst, and chooses the worst.

You obviously know all this and have seen it play out before. But it was cathartic to write it out.

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Plus, I’ve talked myself into advising more forceful truth-telling now with a grandchild involved. She may cut you off for it, too, so weigh that risk before you speak up.

But a clear, loving statement seems warranted: “It is so painful for me to watch you vilify your parents — and discount how much they love you! — when advancing age explains their decisions so much better than favoritism does. I know you’ve felt the middle-child problem forever. But bad night vision is a thing. Postpartum depression is, too.

“So humor me for a second: What if you decided just to trust me on these for a while? And held off on any big decisions, at least till this wild new-baby time is behind you? If you’re right about favoritism, then you’ll still be right two or three years from now and can deal with it then — but if you’re wrong, rushing to cut ties now could do real harm.”

Adapt with your own words, of course, as always.

A reader also suggested talking to the husband about the possible postpartum depression.

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Usual disclaimer: You can’t make someone listen who doesn’t want to. Plus an extra disclaimer: There could be stuff in this family even you don’t know about.

But, still, best friends have standing to break glass in case of emergency. Good luck.



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Stars defeat Capitals to end losing streak at 6 | NHL.com

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Stars defeat Capitals to end losing streak at 6 | NHL.com


Hintz scored into an empty net at 19:41 for the 4-1 final.

“Everybody played hard, did the right things, got pucks in deep, especially in the third period when we’re trying to close out a lead,” DeSmith said. “So, I thought top to bottom, first, second and third, we were really good.”

NOTES: The Stars swept the two-game season series (including a 1-0 win Oct. 28 in Dallas) and are 8-1-0 in their past nine games against the Capitals. … Duchene had the secondary assist on Steel’s goal, giving him 900 points (374 goals, 526 assists) in 1,157 NHL games. … Hintz has 11 points (seven goals, four assists) in an eight-game point streak against Washington. He had a game-high 12 shots on goal. … Thompson has lost six of his past seven starts (1-5-1).

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Bridge collapse on Washington Avenue leaves emergency crews racing to rescue victims

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Bridge collapse on Washington Avenue leaves emergency crews racing to rescue victims


Emergency crews are responding to a major incident at the Washington Avenue Bridge, which has collapsed into Wheeling Creek.

Multiple police and firefighter units are on the scene, working swiftly to rescue those injured in the collapse.

Three injured workers have been taken to the hospital. Officials say one is a serious injury and two are non-life threatening.

Access to the area has been closed to facilitate rescue operations.

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The bridge was closed in early December for a replacement that was expected to take nearly a year.

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Dynamite, Floods and Feuds: Washington’s forgotten river wars

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Dynamite, Floods and Feuds: Washington’s forgotten river wars


After floodwaters inundated western Washington in December, social media is still filled with disbelief, with many people saying they had never seen flooding like it before.

But local history shows the region has experienced catastrophic flooding, just not within most people’s lifetimes.

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A valley under water

What may look like submerged farmland in Skagit or Snohomish counties is actually an aerial view of Tukwila from more than a century ago. Before Boeing, business parks and suburban development, the Kent Valley was a wide floodplain.

  (Tukwila Historical Society)

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In November 1906, much of the valley was underwater, according to city records. In some places, floodwaters reached up to 10 feet, inundating homesteads and entire communities.

“Roads were destroyed, river paths were readjusted,” said Chris Staudinger of Pretty Gritty Tours. “So much of what had been built in these areas got washed away.”

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Staudinger has been sharing historical images and records online, drawing comparisons between the December flooding and events from the late 1800s and early 1900s.

“It reminded me so much of what’s happening right now,” he said, adding that the loss then, as now, was largely a loss of property and control rather than life.

When farmers used dynamite

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Records show flooding was not the only force reshaping the region’s rivers. In the late 1800s, farmers repeatedly used dynamite in attempts to redirect waterways.

“The White River in particular has always been contentious,” explained Staudinger. “For farmers in that area, multiple different times starting in the 1890s, groups of farmers would get together and blow-up parts of the river to divert its course either up to King County or down to Pierce County.”

1906 Washington flooding

Staudinger says at times they used too much dynamite and accidentally sent logs lobbing through the air like missiles.

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In one instance, King County farmers destroyed a bluff, permanently diverting the White River into Pierce County. The river no longer flowed toward Elliott Bay, instead emptying into Commencement Bay.

Outraged by this, Pierce County farmers took their grievances to the Washington State Supreme Court. The court ruled the change could not be undone.

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When flooding returned, state officials intervened to stop further explosions.

“To prevent anyone from going out and blowing up the naturally occurred log jam, the armed guards were dispatched by the state guard,” said Staudinger. “Everything was already underwater.”

Rivers reengineered — and erased

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Over the next century, rivers across the region were dredged, dammed and diverted. Entire waterways changed or disappeared.

“So right where the Renton Airport is now used to be this raging waterway called the Black River,” explained Staudinger. “Connected into the Duwamish. It was a major salmon run. It was a navigable waterway.”

Today, that river has been reduced to what Staudinger described as “the little dry trickle.”

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Between 1906 and 1916, the most dramatic changes occurred that played a role in its shrinking. When the Ballard Locks were completed, Lake Washington dropped by nine feet, permanently cutting off its southern flow.

A lesson from December

Despite modern levees and flood-control engineering, December’s storms showed how vulnerable the region remains.

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“For me, that’s the takeaway,” remarked Staudinger. “You could do all of this to try and remain in control, but the river’s going to do whatever it wants.”

He warned that history suggests the risk is ongoing.

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“You’re always one big storm from it rediscovering its old path,” said Staudinger.

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The Source: Information in this story came from the Tukwila Historical Society, MOHAI, Pretty Gritty Tours, and FOX 13 Seattle reporting and interviews.

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