Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I moved to Anchorage a year ago. It was a pretty sudden decision after a bad breakup. I needed a fresh start. I was not necessarily looking for a relationship but I met “Chris” right away. Our relationship moved fast. After a few dates we were exclusive. Within a month we had moved in together.
In a lot of ways, finding a new relationship so quickly after moving here was amazing. Chris has lived here his whole life. He introduced me to his favorite places — from coffee shops to lunch spots to bars. I got to know our neighborhood well and found a preferred grocery store, morning walking routes, etc. And thanks to his established social circle, I pretty much had a ready-made group of amazing friends who were great pals and tour guides as I got to know Anchorage and Alaska.
A couple weeks ago, we broke up. It’s my fault. One night, at a house party, I made out with one of his friends. Someone caught us. By noon the next day everyone knew, including Chris. My life since has fallen apart. The make-out was stupid. I barely even know the guy. It was a drunken mistake. Chris has been staying with friends until I find a new place. No one will talk to me.
In one stupid stroke, I lost my boyfriend, friends, and home. He’s told me to stay away from “his places.” I want to fix this but Chris won’t even talk to me. I miss my peeps and how things were. What can I do?
Wanda says:
Slow down. That’s what you can do: slow down. You went through a breakup, impetuously fled to a new home, jumped into a new relationship with Chris, and took on a whole new life. If you’re feeling dizzy it’s because you spent the last year flying and then slammed into a brick wall with a drunk make-out sesh at a house party. Take a breather.
And while you’re at it, stop kissing people. In fact, pull the plug on romance altogether for a while. It’s time to work on yourself, and defining your life and happiness on your own terms, not defining it by how you fit into the life of some guy. Anchorage is a great place — Alaska is an incredible place! It’s time you discover it for yourself and be on your own for a while.
None of us are entirely without issues or baggage, but we do owe it to our partners to come to the table with a degree of self-understanding and stability. You went through a breakup that was painful enough that it sent you packing, literally uprooting and moving. Now you have an opportunity to put down your own roots and work on yourself.
Wayne says:
Haven’t known you long, but I’m noticing a pattern here. You’re in a relationship, have a really bad breakup, everything goes nuclear, and you wipe the entire slate clean and run as far away as possible. This situation isn’t much different on its surface, really, except for Alaska being a really little big state. You can run, but you can’t hide from this one. Chris and his/your peeps are unlikely to forgive you, so just leave them alone. And since you’ve scorched those bridges, why not take it fully on the chin and start over one more time? Only now maybe remember this embarrassment and regret, bank the experiences of these past incidents, and hold it all close moving forward so you can avoid another train wreck and reset.
If you truly want different patterns and outcomes, that is.
Maybe you just aren’t ready or built for serious relationships right now. Nothing wrong with you or with that, unless you’re in denial about it. Maybe after all of this, you can now admit to yourself that you’re still trying to figure things out. Again, that’s fine — most of us are! And Wanda’s right: this is the perfect time to find out if Alaska is the place for you by living here a while, and even finding some new favorite haunts for a while. And it’s an excellent time for you to find out what you really want out of life and love by just being for a while.
Just try to do no harm, or as little harm as possible, to others on your journey. As you well know, those actions tend to come back to bite you really bad.
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