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In one of his last interviews, Jackie Robinson explained why he was not happy with baseball or the Dodgers

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In one of his last interviews, Jackie Robinson explained why he was not happy with baseball or the Dodgers

You have your ideal day ever before at work as well as I have my own.

Mine is the day Jackie Robinson involved community.

It was June 1972 as well as I was covering the Dodgers for The Times as well as Robinson had actually gotten here to have his number retired in addition to those of Sandy Koufax as well as Roy Campanella in events at Dodger Arena. These were the initial numbers the Dodgers had actually retired, in Brooklyn or Los Angeles, that made it a large bargain. So did the reality that Robinson had actually troubled to find.

While Koufax as well as Campanella constantly will certainly be admired Dodgers graduates, Robinson had absolutely nothing to do with the group after he left baseball. Adhering to the 1956 period, the Dodgers traded him to the Giants as well as he quickly retired. That was the start of an estrangement from the Dodgers, as well as from baseball, that lasted the remainder of his life.

Jackie Robinson, that has actually retired after a 10-year occupation, waves as he leaves the club after gathering his valuables at Ebbets Area in Brooklyn on Jan. 7, 1957. Robinson, 38, came to be the initial Black baseball gamer in the modern-day big leagues when he signed up with the Brooklyn Dodgers in 1947.

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(Jacob Harris/Associated Press)

He hardly ever showed up at any one of the video game’s ritualistic occasions — a brief, thoughtful approval speech at his Hall of Popularity induction in 1962 was an exemption — as well as he rejected to go to old-timers’ video games so usually that groups quit welcoming him. And also he virtually never ever involved Dodger Arena.

However Robinson caught the appeals of his pal as well as previous colleague Don Newcombe, that operated in the group’s area relationships division, as well as consented to come. And also below is the weird component. The Dodgers did not trouble to call a press conference for Robinson, or for Koufax as well as Campanella, either. Neither did they state that 1972 noted the 25th wedding anniversary of Robinson’s big league launching. They appeared to be dealing with a historical minute as simply one more Cap Day.

Currently, certainly, as Big league Baseball commemorates the 75th wedding anniversary of his initial video game Friday, Jackie Robinson Day is just one of the video game’s trademark occasions. There are events in ball parks nationwide, with homages as well as pronouncements hailing the guts as well as perseverance Robinson showed in damaging a racial obstacle that had actually existed considering that arranged baseball started. One point missing out on from these wedding anniversary occasions is any type of reference of exactly how those obstacles became created to begin with.

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No person, certainly, anticipates today’s baseball proprietors as well as execs to think regret for the activities of those that came prior to them. However any type of sincere numeration of Robinson’s tradition, of his victory over bigotry, should consider exactly how that bigotry was enabled to continue.

So the feel-good institutionalization of the yearly Robinson homages has actually led me to a final thought that could be uncharitable, yet below it is. Baseball is fortunate that Robinson passed away at the young age of 53 since to him the vain events of Jackie Robinson Day would certainly be simply one more instance of white America’s purchasing from indifference to the battle of Black America.

::

I called the Dodgers to ask if they might inform me exactly how to get to Robinson as well as Newcombe to ask why he believed he had actually consented to join the number-retirement event. Newcombe stated the fatality 2 months earlier of Gil Hodges, the Dodgers’ precious initial baseman, 2 days except his 48th birthday celebration had actually contributed in Robinson’s choice.

At Hodges’ funeral service, Robinson stated that he believed he would certainly be the initial of what the writer Roger Kahn had actually called the Children of Summertime to pass away. After that Newcombe included, “He recognizes he’s been bitter concerning a great deal of points as well as he doesn’t desire individuals to keep in mind him this way.”

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Jackie Robinson returns an autograph book to a fan in the stands during a Dodgers' spring training.

Jackie Robinson returns a sign publication to a follower in the stands throughout a Dodgers’ springtime training.

(Associated Press)

Robinson regretted his estrangement from baseball as well as was attempting to apologize, Newcombe included. When it comes to connecting with Robinson, the Dodgers stated he was remaining midtown at the Biltmore Resort. I might call him there.

The idea of talking with Robinson, that had actually constantly been an unreal number to me, mixed feelings I had actually never ever experienced as a press reporter when talking to Michael Jordan, claim, or Muhammad Ali. My anxiousness boosted when I called the resort, informed the driver I want to talk with Robinson as well as, minutes later on, located myself doing so. What? Any person can simply hire off the road as well as speak to Jackie Robinson?

Flustered, I presented myself as well as asked if it could be feasible to consult with him … whenever he had a couple of mins … when he was not as well active.

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“Begin over currently,” he stated.

I had actually talked to significant sporting activities numbers thousands of times, I informed myself as I strolled the brief range from the past structure midtown to the resort. It was mosting likely to be very easy. However after knocking on the door as well as being informed to find in, I was shaken off stride once more.

The space was entirely dark as well as it took a minute for my eyes to get used to see exactly how little it was. No collection for Jackie Robinson? No one there to address him, to attend his convenience?

“The light harms my eyes,” Robinson described, as well as he switched on a bedside light. What I saw was an old male in his undergarments existing under the covers in the center of the mid-day. He had actually been resting, I recognized, as well as I had actually woken him up. Dammit!

Robinson’s health and wellness was a catastrophe already. He had actually had a cardiovascular disease, experienced diabetic issues as well as was virtually blind. He might no more drive a vehicle or play golf — the racetrack was his last haven — as well as he had problem strolling without aid. Seeing him similar to this, I was struck with a practically intolerable despair.

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In his prime, Robinson may have been the best well-rounded professional athlete on the planet. He had actually been a spectacular running back at UCLA — minority rough clips offered on YouTube are outstanding — as well as had actually won the NCAA lengthy dive champion. He appeared particular to complete in the 1940 Summertime Olympics, arranged for Tokyo, prior to they were terminated throughout the armed forces build-up to The second world war.

And Also, Harley Tinkham, an expert Times sportswriter we called Ace since he understood whatever, as soon as informed me that Robinson’s ideal sporting activity was basketball, which he had actually additionally played in university.

Today, as I took a look at the unwell old male in bed, it was tough to keep in mind he was just 53.

As we started to chat, however, it came to be clear that while Robinson’s body might have betrayed him, neither his mind neither his enthusiasms had actually lowered.

I leaned right into the light originating from the light so I could see my note pad as well as asked an evident initial inquiry: Just how did he really feel concerning having his number retired? Any kind of assumption of an anodyne response — it was a fantastic honor, it would certainly be great to see old pals — went away in a split second. Was I there to speak about insignificant points, his response suggested, or did I need to know what got on his mind? And also he started to chat.

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“Baseball as well as Jackie Robinson haven’t had much to claim per various other,” he stated, as well as since he had actually pertained to Los Angeles he had actually made use of the event to inform Dodgers Head of state Peter O’Malley concerning what was bothering him: The absence of Black supervisors in the video game. (Frank Robinson would certainly not damage that obstacle for 3 even more years; Dave Roberts would certainly refrain from doing so for the Dodgers for 44 even more years.)

“I informed Peter I was disrupted at the means baseball treats its Black gamers after their having fun days are with,” he stated. “It’s tough to take a look at a sporting activity which Black professional athletes have actually essentially conserved as well as when a supervisory work opens they provide it to an individual that’s fallen short in various other locations since he’s white.”

O’Malley had actually appeared worried, Robinson stated, as well as he was happy for that, yet it was insufficient. Considering this later on, I recognized that this was a necessary reality concerning recognizing Robinson. Absolutely nothing would certainly ever before suffice. He would certainly never ever quit dealing with oppression where he saw it. He would certainly never ever enable himself to get on a completely satisfied baseball dotage. Also when the video game intended to recognize him, he would certainly make it agonize.

When it comes to the retired life of his number, “I couldn’t care much less if somebody is available putting on 42,” he stated. “It is an honor, yet I obtain even more of an adventure recognizing there are individuals in baseball that rely on improvement based upon capability. I’m much more worried concerning what I think of myself than what other individuals assume.”

The Los Angeles Dodgers enter the dugout before their baseball game against the Colorado Rockies.

The Dodgers go into the dugout prior to their baseball video game versus the Colorado Mountain Ranges on April 15, 2021, in Los Angeles. All gamers put on jacket number 42 to recognize Jackie Robinson.

(Ashley Landis / Associated Press)

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He mentioned his estrangement from the video game, of exactly how, as a result of his rejection to delight in the events it supplied him, he was checked out in some quarters as an ingrate. He didn’t care.

“I assume if you recall at why individuals consider me the means they do,” he stated, “it’s since white America doesn’t such as a Black person that defends what he thinks. I don’t really feel baseball owes me a point as well as I don’t owe baseball a point. I rejoice I haven’t needed to go to baseball on my knees.”

A settlement with the Dodgers ran out the inquiry, he stated. The terrific paradox of Robinson’s connection with the Dodgers is that while he was the personification of the group’s endure stand that incorporated baseball, which has actually been called the best minute in the video game’s background, he was additionally caught in between the male that had actually taken that depend on his part as well as the one that changed him.

Robinson had actually admired Dodgers proprietor Branch Rickey, yet when Walter O’Malley took control of the group in 1950, O’Malley thought Rickey had actually cheated him out of $50,000 in the purchase. (“That was a great deal of cash in those days,” Peter O’Malley informed me.)

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“Any person that had anything to do with Mr. Rickey was a crook to Walter O’Malley,” Robinson stated. “When Mr. Rickey left the club, there were genuine troubles in between me as well as Mr. O’Malley.”

Brooklyn Dodgers' Jackie Robinson, left, and Dodgers President Branch Rickey look over Robinson's contract.

Brooklyn Dodgers’ Jackie Robinson, left, as well as Dodgers Head of state Branch Rickey look into Robinson’s agreement in the Dodgers’ Brooklyn workplaces Jan. 24, 1950.

(Associated Press)

We had actually spoken for a hr as well as it was time to go, to allow him shut off the light as well as rest. However unexpectedly I was stunned to hear myself asking a concern I had actually never ever asked a sporting activities number prior to. Had he ever before considered his area in background? His response suggested that he had.

“I truthfully think that baseball did establish the phase for several points that are taking place today as well as I’m happy to have actually figured in in it.” Robinson stated. “However I’m not subservient to it.”

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My mind was competing as I strolled back to the workplace, experienced my notes as well as started to compose. This is great things, I believed, making use of the global sportswriters’ shorthand for engaging product. A day or 2 later on, the tale was played throughout the top of the Sunday Sports area, as well as I allowed myself a minute of fulfillment while questioning if Robinson may see it. I would certainly quickly figure out.

A week or two later on, I was experiencing my mail in the workplace when I was surprised to discover a letter from Robinson. It was brief as well as had a couple of kind words wherefore I had actually composed, yet after that obtained straight to the factor. Newcombe had actually been attempting to pitch that crap concerning him regretting his estrangement from the Dodgers as well as baseball for many years as well as I was not to think a word of it. He was sorry for absolutely nothing, he created, absolutely nothing whatsoever.

::

4 months later on, on Oct. 15, prior to the 2nd video game of the Globe Collection in Cincinnati, baseball held its only authorities awareness of the 25th wedding anniversary of Robinson’s big-time launching. It was a small event with just a couple of individuals on the area participating. Red Barber, that had actually narrated Robinson’s occupation as the Dodgers’ broadcaster, was the master of events as well as he presented Robinson’s household, his previous colleagues Pee Wee Reese as well as Joe Black, baseball Commissioner Bowie Kuhn, Peter O’Malley as well as a couple of others.

Robinson, festinating in a light summer season match, appeared to be truthfully touched by the homage as well as appreciating himself. And also when it was his count on talk, he supplied a couple of pleasantries concerning what a thrilling mid-day it was as well as exactly how he desired Branch Rickey might have existed. And after that, simply when it appeared he may talk gently for as soon as, he went down the hammer.

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Jackie Robinson throws out the first ball as Baseball Commissioner Bowie Kuhn stands at his side in 1972.

Hall of Famer Jackie Robinson is recognized Oct. 15, 1972, prior to the 2nd video game of the Globe Collection in Cincinnati.

(Bettmann / Bettmann Archive)

“I’m exceptionally happy as well as happy to be below this mid-day,” he stated. “However I should confess I’m mosting likely to be enormously much more happy as well as much more happy when I take a look at that third-base mentoring line someday as well as see a Black face handling in baseball.”

There was a smile on his face as he made what was to be his last public articulation, one that he had actually ensured had one last put in baseball’s face.

He passed away 9 days later on at his residence in Stamford, Conn., leaving baseball complimentary to commemorate his life without the trouble of having him around to object. To advise the video game, as well as all people, of truth baseball tradition of Jackie Robinson.

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The Browns gave Deshaun Watson what he wanted. Now they’re paying the price

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The Browns gave Deshaun Watson what he wanted. Now they’re paying the price

CLEVELAND — To grasp how the Cleveland Browns spiraled into one of the worst teams in the NFL, it’s important to first return to the end of last season.

The Browns dismantled their offense this year and rebuilt an inferior version in an attempt to appease Deshaun Watson. All of the changes failed miserably. The Browns bottomed out as one of the worst teams in the league and plummeted to a 3-14 finish. They hold the second pick in the 2025 NFL Draft.

For three years, the Browns contorted themselves to match Watson’s strengths and desires. But teammates ultimately grew tired of the organization catering to an ineffective quarterback, and he never really fit in Cleveland. He received at least one death threat.

Now as a second Achilles tear leaves Watson’s career in danger, the Browns can begin the painful process of officially moving on from the worst trade and biggest mistake in franchise history.

How did it get to this? And how did it end so badly? Look to last year.

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After Watson’s 2023 season ended prematurely with a broken bone in his shoulder, Joe Flacco joined the Browns in December and resurrected his career by throwing for 300 yards in four consecutive games — something Watson failed to do once in 19 starts with the Browns. It was an embarrassing exposure of the franchise quarterback. The problem was never the scheme.

Flacco’s performance during an 11-6 finish and improbable run to the playoffs earned him the NFL’s Comeback Player of the Year and merited another contract to remain in Cleveland as Watson’s backup.

“You have to bring Joe back; somebody has to teach Deshaun the offense,” one member of the organization said as the season neared its conclusion. “Joe picked it up faster in 30 days than Deshaun has in two years.”

It was a stinging indictment of a quarterback the Browns invested three first-round picks and guaranteed $230 million to obtain.

Coach Kevin Stefanski had shown Watson film clips of his offense during their first meeting in March 2022, demonstrating how Watson could thrive in this wide zone, play-action scheme crafted by Gary Kubiak and Mike Shanahan. But after he arrived in Cleveland, Watson never embraced Stefanski’s system. He wanted to be in shotgun, and Stefanski wanted him under center to make the play-action component more effective.

The Browns tried giving Watson what he wanted. They fired offensive coordinator Alex Van Pelt after the 2023 season and brought in Ken Dorsey, who had more experience with mobile quarterbacks like Josh Allen and Cam Newton. Two weeks after Van Pelt was fired, Bill Callahan departed as offensive line coach to join his son Brian’s staff in Tennessee.

I’ve spoken to players who believe Callahan would have stayed had Van Pelt remained on staff — when Brian first started receiving head-coaching interviews in 2023, Bill made clear he was staying in Cleveland — but all of that seemed to change when Van Pelt was fired. Andy Dickerson was hired to replace Callahan. The changes were a disaster.

Dorsey was supposed to deliver the type of offense Watson wanted — one with more choice routes between the quarterback and receivers, more shotgun formations and more freedom. None of it worked, partly because Watson never looked like the same quarterback he was in Houston.

The Browns failed to score 20 points in any Watson start this season. They averaged 4 yards per play with him, the lowest mark in the league for any quarterback who made at least five starts, according to TruMedia. It was the third-lowest output by any Browns quarterback who made at least five starts in a season since the team returned to the league in 1999. Only Charlie Frye and Doug Pederson had worse production.

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A Browns season filled with disappointment finally comes to an end

The line under Dickerson struggled with injuries and protections. Watson was sacked 33 times in his seven starts, although he did little to help himself. He consistently missed getting proper depth in the pocket — when he was supposed to drop 8 yards, he was only getting 6, according to two players with knowledge of the Browns’ offensive schemes. Watson continually ran into his linemen on sacks because he was standing in places they didn’t expect him to be.

What isn’t clear is how much Watson’s struggles can be attributed to the shoulder injury he suffered in 2023. A displaced fracture to the glenoid bone ended his season after six games. It was a common injury among baseball pitchers, but much rarer in quarterbacks, leaving the team with no way of knowing when or whether a full recovery was possible.

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At the start of a late August practice, all four Browns quarterbacks went through a standard footwork and accuracy drill that generally ends with each quarterback hearing a color on command from an assistant coach and firing passes toward a net with various colors marked above the targets. But with the early portion of practice open to reporters and cameras, it was odd to see Watson throwing passes to an equipment staffer nearby while the other three quarterbacks tried to hit the net targets.

One rival executive who spoke with Browns officials before the start of the season was concerned about what lay ahead for them.

“Not an ounce of positivity about the offense,” the executive said. “The vibes aren’t exactly high.”

Watson routinely missed open receivers. Passes in the opener against the Dallas Cowboys sailed 5 yards out of bounds. In a September loss to the New York Giants, the Browns ran a slant/out combo route on a run-pass option on a key fourth down late in the game. Tight end Jordan Akins was open in the flat, but Watson didn’t see him and was stopped short of the first down on a keeper. At his weekly media availability three days later, Watson said Akins was “a decoy” on that play and not an intended receiver.

“We all saw the same things,” one player said. “We all watch the film. Guys are open.”

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According to multiple players, those mistakes weren’t pointed out in film sessions, frustrating at least a few veterans who believed Stefanski wouldn’t criticize Watson in front of the team. When Jameis Winston replaced Watson after he tore his Achilles in October, players said Stefanski returned to pointing out the quarterback’s mistakes in film sessions.

Off the field, Watson spent the year dealing with traumatic personal matters. His agent, David Mulugheta, received a disturbing email in June from someone threatening to shoot Watson or burn down his house, according to a police report obtained by The Athletic. Police later closed the investigation with no suspects identified.

In the week leading up to the season opener, Watson’s father and a college teammate died within a span of a few days.

“There are other things that are bigger than this,” Watson said. “It’s been a long week … it wasn’t even really about football.”

Watson faced a new civil lawsuit during the season alleging he sexually assaulted a woman in 2020. The suit was quickly settled, and the league closed a brief investigation citing insufficient evidence. That’s how it has gone for Watson in Cleveland. He has settled more than 20 lawsuits alleging sexual misconduct since he arrived from Houston. He served an 11-game suspension and paid a $5 million fine for violating the NFL’s personal conduct policy.

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If this is the end of his Browns career, his three-year tenure in Cleveland will conclude with a 61 percent completion rate, 3,365 passing yards, 19 touchdowns, 12 interceptions and more settled lawsuits than games played. Watson’s EPA (expected points added) per dropback with the Browns was -0.19, according to TruMedia, which ranks 197th out of 201 NFL quarterbacks since 2000 (minimum 15 starts). The only quarterbacks who were worse: Zach Wilson (2021-24 New York Jets), John Skelton (2010-12 Arizona Cardinals), Blaine Gabbert (2011-13 Jacksonville Jaguars) and JaMarcus Russell (2007-09 Raiders). Watson is the only name on that list who wasn’t on a rookie deal.

Players told me there was a constant heaviness surrounding Watson in the locker room and that they felt a different energy in the building upon his departure after his Achilles injury in October. A couple of veterans told me it felt like a cloud had been lifted.

Dorsey and Dickerson were fired the day after the season ended. Former tight ends coach Tommy Rees, promoted to offensive coordinator Tuesday, will likely be tasked with helping Stefanski return to the wide zone, play-action scheme again in 2025. The Browns enter draft season perfectly positioned to select a new quarterback if they choose.

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Earlier this month, Bailey Zappe became the 40th quarterback to start a game for the Browns since they returned to the NFL in 1999, a shocking number for a team that has never enjoyed stability at the most important position. Watson was supposed to change all of that. Instead, those within the Browns had privately made clear they were moving on from him even before he reinjured his Achilles. Watson tore it for a second time when he rolled his ankle while in Miami, according to the team, and had a second surgery to repair it last week.

Because Cleveland still owes him in excess of $170 million against its cap sheet, the Browns were expected to carry him on the 2025 roster before the reinjury. At the very least, the second Achilles tear means they could place him on injured reserve so he isn’t consuming a spot on the 53-man roster. In addition, Cleveland can get insurance relief against his salary and a portion of the cap hit on the $92 million still owed to him.

The image of Watson being carted off the field with a towel draped over his head while a smattering of Browns fans cheered is a painful reminder of how messy the Watson era has been. Three years after handing out the richest guaranteed contract in NFL history, the Browns are back in the quarterback market.

The Athletic’s Zac Jackson and Katie Strang contributed to this report.

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(Photo: Nick Cammett / Getty Images)

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UFC star Conor McGregor faces lawsuit over alleged sex assault during 2023 NBA Finals game

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UFC star Conor McGregor faces lawsuit over alleged sex assault during 2023 NBA Finals game

UFC star Conor McGregor was sued on Tuesday over sexual assault allegations stemming from a bathroom incident at the Kaseya Center during a Miami Heat NBA Finals game in 2023.

The woman, who is described as a 49-year-old senior vice president at a Wall Street financial firm, alleged that McGregor assaulted her in the bathroom in Miami during Game 4 of the NBA Finals on June 9, 2023.

Conor McGregor is seen in attendance during Game Four of the 2023 NBA Finals between the Denver Nuggets and the Miami Heat at Kaseya Center on June 9, 2023 in Miami. (Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)

Her lawyer, James Dunn, filed the lawsuit in the U.S. District Court, Southern District of Florida.

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“My client has thought long and hard about the decision to pursue this civil case, and is fearful of the effect it may have on her job on Wall Street,” Dunn said. “Nonetheless, her main goal in filing this suit is to raise awareness and encourage others to report sexual assault.”

Prosecutors said in October 2023 that McGregor would not face criminal charges over the alleged incident.

Barbara Llanes, McGregor’s lawyer, spoke out about the new lawsuit in a statement to Irish Legal News.

FORMER INDIANA BASKETBALL PLAYERS SAY TEAM DOCTOR SEXUALLY ABUSED THEM WITH UNNECESSARY PROSTATE EXAMS

Conor McGregor at halfcourt

Conor McGregor is seen on the court during a timeout in Game Four of the 2023 NBA Finals between the Denver Nuggets and the Miami Heat at Kaseya Center on June 9, 2023 in Miami. (Megan Briggs/Getty Images)

“After a thorough investigation at the time, the State’s Attorney concluded that there was no case to pursue,” she said. “Almost two years and at least three lawyers later the plaintiff has a new false story. We are confident that this case too will be dismissed.”

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The lawsuit alleged that staff and security at the arena “had actual knowledge of the wrongfulness of the conduct” and failed to protect her adequately enough. The suit also accuses staff of overserving McGregor despite having a “chargeable knowledge of a heightened risk of battery being carried out.”

McGregor was at the game to promote a pain-relief product. He struck the Heat’s mascot Burnie and attempted to “spray” the character as he was getting taken off the court.

The woman alleged that she was led to a men’s room by a person in McGregor’s entourage, and the assault took place.

Conor McGregor punches Burnie

Conor McGregor punches Burnie, the Miami Heat mascot, during a break in Game 4 of the NBA Finals against the Denver Nuggets on Friday, June 9, 2023 in Miami. (AP Photo/Lynne Sladky)

A Heat spokesperson told The Associated Press that the team does not comment on litigation.

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The Associated Press contributed to this report.

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Plaschke: The unbearable guilt of losing nothing — and everything — in the Altadena wildfire

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Plaschke: The unbearable guilt of losing nothing — and everything — in the Altadena wildfire

I lost nothing. I lost everything.

I am lucky beyond all imagination. I am haunted beyond all reason.

I am spared. Nobody is spared.

I am rounding the sharp turn that enters my leafy Altadena cul-de-sac, my home for the last dozen years, and I am loudly pleading.

“Hail Mary, full of grace …”

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It is a Wednesday morning, several hours after the Eaton fire began tearing apart thousands of lives, there are still flames shooting up from burning destruction. On every block, the air is still dark with smoke and the streets are still clogged with trees, but my fiancée, Roxana, and I had just endured a night of sleepless terror. We had to come here. We had to see.

The burned carcass of a Volkswagen rests in the rubble of a home destroyed in the Eaton fire in Altadena on Wednesday.

(Genaro Molina/Los Angeles Times)

Did we lose this most evil of lotteries? Did we take a direct hit from the hand of hell?

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I’m shouting and shaking as the bravely determined Roxana spins the car through flames and foliage onto a scarred and sooted street where we see a bit of fence, and a bit of white, and, then, there it is, standing strong amid the ruins of my beloved neighborhood.

Our house. It survived. It survived?

“The Lord is with thee …”

I begin crying, awash in gratitude and relief, until I look around at the barren smoldering landscape and my heart almost instantly drops into a much deeper emotion.

Guilt.

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I was here, but where was everybody else? Where were my neighbors? Where were my friends? Why was I still standing and they were not?

My next-door neighbor lived in a sprawling old house that was always full of life. It was gone, burned to nothing, a portrait of death. How did those flames miss me?

Directly across the street was the tidy home of the kindly elderly professor who lived behind a bevy of beautiful trees. No more. No more beauty. No more privacy. No more house. The bones of her refuge lay crushed and stacked and still flickering with flames. Why was she so cursed when I was so blessed?

Next to her lived a wonderful attorney who never complained when cars from my house were parked in front of her beautifully remodeled home. All gone. Total carnage. Her proud accomplishment had been reduced to rubble. Why did I not lose everything instead?

Times columnist Bill Plaschke stands outside his Altadena home, one of the few in his area that survived wildfires.

Times columnist Bill Plaschke stands outside his Altadena home on Monday, Jan. 13, 2025. It was one of the few homes in his neighborhood that did not burn down during the wildfires.

(Mark Potts / Los Angeles Times)

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Of eight houses in my cul-de-sac, four remained standing, three of those absorbed some damage, and mine was the only one that appeared untouched. There was no reason for it. There was no logic behind it. My neighbor Phil Barela said he stayed late the previous night and doused a small fire at the back of our property line, and I’ll credit him forever for saving the structure, but this was surely much more than that.

The fire that surrounded our house on all sides did not consume it. There had to be a reason. What was that reason?

During that frantic Wednesday morning visit, we made a quick dash through the house as flames flickered on the streets below. We were enveloped by the smell of smoke, but everything else felt normal. Everything was just as we left it. Surrounding a brown prickly Christmas tree were old magazines, throw blankets, hurriedly discarded socks, all the trappings of an ordinary life.

A life that, like that of thousands of grateful Angelenos whose houses had survived, had nonetheless changed forever.

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Our house will have to be stripped and scrubbed and basically gutted down to the drywall and insulation because of smoke damage, and we were the lucky ones.

We could lose all of our furniture, and we were the lucky ones.

Once we’re allowed to live in the house again, which could be months considering all the water and power issues, we will spend the next two years living in the middle of a construction zone, and we were the lucky ones.

If you hear guilt in those statements, you hear right, a guilt as oppressive as a flame. Why did so many others lose priceless photo albums while we get to keep ours? Why must so many others rebuild their daily steps from scratch while our basic floor plan remains the same?

A couple of years ago I wrote a book about the resilient Paradise High football team, which played a nearly undefeated season months after their town was leveled by the 2018 Camp fire. It was called “Paradise Found,” and its central character was a tough head coach, Rick Prinz, whose house amazingly did not burn down.

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I contacted Prinz this week to ask about survivor’s guilt. He said it is real. He said he felt it immediately.

Firefighters are silhouetted against a home engulfed in flames while keeping the fire from jumping to an adjacent home.

Firefighters try to keep a fire from engulfing an adjacent home during the Eaton fire in Altadena on Jan. 8.

(Gina Ferazzi / Los Angeles Times)

“When we found out our home did not burn it was very emotional, we were so thankful and amazed,” he said. “We also felt guilt at the loss of so many others. We did not share our joy with others and kept it to ourselves. I would try not to mention that our house survived to those who had lost so much.”

Prinz admitted the darkest thoughts wrought by survivors’ guilt — “Yes, there were times when we thought it may have been better if our home had burned,” he said.

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But he acknowledged that it was so difficult to get his house working again, his focus turned to that. — “Living in a burn scar, rising insurance costs, constant construction, terrible road conditions … the survivor’s guilt begins to wane,” he said.

That guilt is still going strong here. I will not complain. I cannot complain. I don’t deserve to complain.

Even one minute spent in that house is better than the horrible fate that awaited so many who were never given that time.

From this moment forward, every day in that house will be a monument to pure luck and good wind and Phil Barela and, certainly, I had nothing to do with any of it, and how do I live up to that?

There are many of us in Los Angeles in similar situations, houses intact but lives uprooted, forced nomads who may never get home until spring, folks facing a road so long and complicated surely some of them, like Prinz, may already wish their homes were instead destroyed so they could have just started the rebuild from scratch.

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You know who you are, those of you whose homes were saved as their guilt threatens to destroy them. You know who you are, and so seemingly does everybody else.

At one of the recent hotels that we’ve been surfing while waiting to be allowed back home, I was approached by someone walking a big dog down a narrow hotel hallway, a common sight these days.

“Good morning, are you an evacuee?” she asked brightly.

“I am,” I said.

“I lost everything,” she said.

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“I did not,” I said.

End of conversation. She abruptly spun and headed in the other direction. I was a pariah. I was not worthy of discussing a loss that could not be quantified. I wasn’t a true survivor.

Gusts send burning embers into the air, fueling the Eaton fire on Jan. 8 in Altadena.

Gusts send burning embers into the air, fueling the Eaton fire on Jan. 8 in Altadena.

(Gina Ferazzi / Los Angeles Times)

It was then that I realized, no, we’re all survivors, we’ve all been touched even if we still live in pristine neighborhoods with power and water and life. We were all burned. We will all be scarred.

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Just because your house is standing doesn’t mean you are standing with it.

At the moment, I’m trying to stand, but I’m not quite there yet. I am blessed but hobbled. I have learned in the past few days that intangible losses, while no match for the tangible ones, can nonetheless stick deeply in the throat. Those of us with intact houses in burned areas can’t publicly admit it, nor should we, but it’s true.

I’m a creature of habit, a slave to routine, I begged for the same press box seat during the Dodgers postseason run, I drive the same weird route to USC football games, I wear the same basic black uniform to every game of every sport.

And now, even though my house is there, everything else is gone, my traditions, my habits, my normalcy.

I used to drive down a pretty Altadena street toward work. That street is now one long junkyard. I used to stop at a corner Chevron Station every day to buy snacks and talk Lakers with the owner. That place has become a blackened shell.

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My favorite hamburger joint, gone. One of my favorite breakfast places, gone. A dive bar that helped keep the neighborhood together, gone. Pizza joint, gone. The hardware store that just sold me air filters last week, gone.

From Altadena to Pacific Palisades, you all have stories like this. You lost your favorite watering hole, your favorite grocery store, a part of your city that had become your anchor, your strength, your best friend. All of Los Angeles has stories like this. Our daily lives have been mangled beyond recognition. There have been deaths, there has been destruction, everybody, everywhere, nobody is keeping score, it’s all bad and it all requires a resilience that was on full powerful display everywhere last week, including in my little burned-out block.

During the brief visit to our house the day after the fire, my neighbor Brian Pires was standing in the middle of the street waxing in amazement that his house had also survived when flames shot up from his corner lot. It was his garage. It was suddenly on fire. He had no water, no hose, no chance, yet he refused to give up. He jumped in his car and raced back to the main road and returned moments later with two firetrucks in tow. He had somehow found the firemen himself and led them to the flames which they quickly doused.

At that moment, he wasn’t just a chiropractor protecting his home, he was all of Los Angeles fighting to breathe again with an unreal courage that transcends all tragedy.

Many of us may never get over the guilt of having a house that is still standing. But, damn it, we owe it to those who lost everything to keep them standing.

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