I’m so disheartened at the ability of men to work through their emotions. I’ve been chronically lovebombed and ghosted. I changed therapists, did nine months of celibacy, started dating slow and sober, chose more “stable” types and it still happens the same way every time — they ghost and get back with a less challenging ex who they feel more control over, because with them, they’re not required to grow or change. I have a Capricorn Sun, a Taurus Moon, and a Libra ascendant, with Venus in Pisces. Help.

I’m going to (very lovingly and gently) hold your hand when I say this — the fact that you are doing everything “right” and following what you (and even professionals) believe to be the most evolved and healthy way of doing things, does not guarantee that your ideal romantic relationship will materialize in your life at the time that you want it to. Or even in the way that you want it to.

Women are the most empowered they have ever been to be the sorceress of their own success — especially materially. As a Capricorn woman, no doubt you’ve made dedicated efforts toward optimizing your experience of life, and seen well-deserved results. Your frustration at not seeing the same outcome manifest in your dating life is understandable, particularly considering the often-infuriating tendency of men to be less emotionally evolved. (This, of course, is a direct result of how society has, for millenniums, not provided them with the incentive to be anything more than the equivalent of sentient pools of stagnant fleshwater). However, love and relationships constitute a completely different realm, where the rules of girlbossery do not apply. And thank God for that, because don’t us hardworking women deserve a break from having to control everything?

The point of optimism here is that women who have made the commitment to love themselves are providing the societal structure needed to incentivize men to do the same. Women do that with the power of choice. In refusing to engage men who do not meet our needs for partnership, we set a standard that, with time, they will be forced to meet if they indeed do desire the companionship of women. Which they should if they also love themselves. Statistically, men who are equipped to form meaningful long-term relationships with women enjoy better lifelong mental, emotional and physical health, with an increased quality of life as a whole.

The complexity of the situation lies here: The invisible yet palpable alchemy of two souls dancing with each other through life in harmony is just that — a dance. Yes, choreography can add much-needed order and structure to an artistic work. But what makes a dance truly inspiring is the intuitive improvisational style of the dancers themselves, one that can’t necessarily be mapped out and predicted. Humans are not financial milestones or career accolades. They are not an impeccably furnished apartment, or a satisfyingly executed Pilates sequence at the end of a long workweek. Humans are gorgeously asymmetrical, thrillingly undefinable, wonderfully unpredictable — a work of art authored by an infinitely inspired Creator.

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The magic of encountering a lover who moves your soul involves realizing that while there exists a person who does encapsulate a smattering of critical non-negotiable traits on your list (the “choreography”), it would not be the magic of love without understanding that there are things you could have never predicted you would adore in the first place (the alchemy). It can be anything from a particular vernacular that they only employ when they’re deeply moved, or the way the light falls across a one-in-8-billion facial structure you could never have dreamed of. When we try to control all of the parameters of our attraction and devotion, we leave no room for the great Dancer to improvise the next move in our life. Creativity needs space. And love comes down to divine timing and fortune. That can feel like a threat to the girlboss part of your brain. But it can feel like a salve to the lover girl part of your soul, if you let it.

So what to do about your underwhelming past lovers, your Pisces Venusian yearning, your throbbing heart, your efforts to prepare yourself to love from the most whole place you possibly can? Reframe your mission. Instead of your ultimate goal being the acquisition of an ideal partnership, your task should be becoming the best lover you could possibly be. You’re already doing that.

There is a lot of discourse these days about decentering men, which is healthy. I would go so far as to say that we need to go one step further, by decentering partnership, and centering love. Being alive is an act of love. Let life itself romance you. Be courageous enough to ask it to, every day if you need to. Practice romance in every human connection you have in the exquisite life your sweet Taurus Moon has created for you. Invest, especially, in love of self. Because we can’t wait for men to catch up to us. They need to take responsibility for the quality of life they want in the same way we are. Let them flail. Let them be inadequate. Let them be disappointing. Let them show you if they can’t keep up. And thank the universe for that information, because that is a blessing that shows you when you need to move on to what actually serves you. Trust that your person, the one that is more of a reverie that even your own mind could conjure for itself, will arrive in your life not a moment too soon, nor a moment too late. Enjoy the agency you have over what you can always control, which is your approach to life, your reactions to whatever may occur within it and the degree to and depth at which you choose to love yourself. Know that true love feels peaceful and calm, and trust that you’ll be able to recognize that feeling when it arrives.

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Reality can hurt, but it presents the gift of sanity. If you know your husband wouldn’t treat you like that, great — that’s not your husband. With every impostor removed from your life, more space is created for your person to move in. Keep doing the things that make you feel powerful and whole. Practice love in all of its forms. Use the skills you’re developing along your journey to be the best friend, family member, colleague, neighbor and lover of self — and above all, lover of life — that you can be. Love yourself by letting go of what was, thankfully, never ours to control in the first place — the divine divination of love. If you position that as your true purpose, a man’s failure to live up to your expectations will cease to debilitate you. You might even end up feeling grateful for it.

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