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This Valentine’s Day, be grateful a man failed to meet your expectations

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This Valentine’s Day, be grateful a man failed to meet your expectations

I’m so disheartened at the ability of men to work through their emotions. I’ve been chronically lovebombed and ghosted. I changed therapists, did nine months of celibacy, started dating slow and sober, chose more “stable” types and it still happens the same way every time — they ghost and get back with a less challenging ex who they feel more control over, because with them, they’re not required to grow or change. I have a Capricorn Sun, a Taurus Moon, and a Libra ascendant, with Venus in Pisces. Help.

I’m going to (very lovingly and gently) hold your hand when I say this — the fact that you are doing everything “right” and following what you (and even professionals) believe to be the most evolved and healthy way of doing things, does not guarantee that your ideal romantic relationship will materialize in your life at the time that you want it to. Or even in the way that you want it to.

Women are the most empowered they have ever been to be the sorceress of their own success — especially materially. As a Capricorn woman, no doubt you’ve made dedicated efforts toward optimizing your experience of life, and seen well-deserved results. Your frustration at not seeing the same outcome manifest in your dating life is understandable, particularly considering the often-infuriating tendency of men to be less emotionally evolved. (This, of course, is a direct result of how society has, for millenniums, not provided them with the incentive to be anything more than the equivalent of sentient pools of stagnant fleshwater). However, love and relationships constitute a completely different realm, where the rules of girlbossery do not apply. And thank God for that, because don’t us hardworking women deserve a break from having to control everything?

The point of optimism here is that women who have made the commitment to love themselves are providing the societal structure needed to incentivize men to do the same. Women do that with the power of choice. In refusing to engage men who do not meet our needs for partnership, we set a standard that, with time, they will be forced to meet if they indeed do desire the companionship of women. Which they should if they also love themselves. Statistically, men who are equipped to form meaningful long-term relationships with women enjoy better lifelong mental, emotional and physical health, with an increased quality of life as a whole.

The complexity of the situation lies here: The invisible yet palpable alchemy of two souls dancing with each other through life in harmony is just that — a dance. Yes, choreography can add much-needed order and structure to an artistic work. But what makes a dance truly inspiring is the intuitive improvisational style of the dancers themselves, one that can’t necessarily be mapped out and predicted. Humans are not financial milestones or career accolades. They are not an impeccably furnished apartment, or a satisfyingly executed Pilates sequence at the end of a long workweek. Humans are gorgeously asymmetrical, thrillingly undefinable, wonderfully unpredictable — a work of art authored by an infinitely inspired Creator.

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The invisible yet palpable alchemy of two souls dancing with each other through life in harmony is just that — a dance.

Goth Shakira wears a Miss Claire Sullivan corset and skirt, Shushu/Tong shoes, Blumarine earring, Hirotaka earring

Goth Shakira wears a Miss Claire Sullivan corset and skirt, Shushu/Tong shoes, Blumarine earring, Hirotaka earring, Pianegonda ring, Xeno underwear and stylist’s own collar.

The magic of encountering a lover who moves your soul involves realizing that while there exists a person who does encapsulate a smattering of critical non-negotiable traits on your list (the “choreography”), it would not be the magic of love without understanding that there are things you could have never predicted you would adore in the first place (the alchemy). It can be anything from a particular vernacular that they only employ when they’re deeply moved, or the way the light falls across a one-in-8-billion facial structure you could never have dreamed of. When we try to control all of the parameters of our attraction and devotion, we leave no room for the great Dancer to improvise the next move in our life. Creativity needs space. And love comes down to divine timing and fortune. That can feel like a threat to the girlboss part of your brain. But it can feel like a salve to the lover girl part of your soul, if you let it.

So what to do about your underwhelming past lovers, your Pisces Venusian yearning, your throbbing heart, your efforts to prepare yourself to love from the most whole place you possibly can? Reframe your mission. Instead of your ultimate goal being the acquisition of an ideal partnership, your task should be becoming the best lover you could possibly be. You’re already doing that.

There is a lot of discourse these days about decentering men, which is healthy. I would go so far as to say that we need to go one step further, by decentering partnership, and centering love. Being alive is an act of love. Let life itself romance you. Be courageous enough to ask it to, every day if you need to. Practice romance in every human connection you have in the exquisite life your sweet Taurus Moon has created for you. Invest, especially, in love of self. Because we can’t wait for men to catch up to us. They need to take responsibility for the quality of life they want in the same way we are. Let them flail. Let them be inadequate. Let them be disappointing. Let them show you if they can’t keep up. And thank the universe for that information, because that is a blessing that shows you when you need to move on to what actually serves you. Trust that your person, the one that is more of a reverie that even your own mind could conjure for itself, will arrive in your life not a moment too soon, nor a moment too late. Enjoy the agency you have over what you can always control, which is your approach to life, your reactions to whatever may occur within it and the degree to and depth at which you choose to love yourself. Know that true love feels peaceful and calm, and trust that you’ll be able to recognize that feeling when it arrives.

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Blumarine jacket, vintage Jean Paul Gaultier top from Wild West Social House, Jane Wade bra, vintage Maison Margiela pants

Blumarine jacket, vintage Jean Paul Gaultier top from Wild West Social House, Jane Wade bra, vintage Maison Margiela pants from Wild West Social House, Narcisz Made shoes, Pianegonda ring, Thirty1 Ring and Ariel Taub earrings.

Reality can hurt, but it presents the gift of sanity. If you know your husband wouldn’t treat you like that, great — that’s not your husband. With every impostor removed from your life, more space is created for your person to move in. Keep doing the things that make you feel powerful and whole. Practice love in all of its forms. Use the skills you’re developing along your journey to be the best friend, family member, colleague, neighbor and lover of self — and above all, lover of life — that you can be. Love yourself by letting go of what was, thankfully, never ours to control in the first place — the divine divination of love. If you position that as your true purpose, a man’s failure to live up to your expectations will cease to debilitate you. You might even end up feeling grateful for it.

In need of relationship advice? Our columnist holds court in a starry place to answer your heart’s questions about love. Submit your inquiries here.

Photography Eugene Kim
Styling Britton Litow
Hair and makeup Jaime Diaz
Visual direction Jess Aquino de Jesus
Production Cecilia Alvarez Blackwell
Photo assistant Joe Elgar
Styling assistant Wendy Gonzalez Vivaño

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Acclaimed 20th century philosopher Jürgen Habermas dies at 96

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Acclaimed 20th century philosopher Jürgen Habermas dies at 96

Internationally renowned German philosopher Juergen Habermas speaks to journalists in an auditorium of the Philosophical School of Athens in 2013.

Louisa Gouliamaki/AFP via Getty Images


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Louisa Gouliamaki/AFP via Getty Images

The German philosopher and influential thinker on modernity and democracy Jürgen Habermas died Saturday in Starnberg, Germany at the age of 96.

Habermas’ death was confirmed in a statement on the website of his Berlin-based publisher, Suhrkamp Verlag.

“His work, published by Suhrkamp since the 1960s and translated into more than 40 languages, continues to resonate worldwide,” said the head of the publishing house, Jonathan Landgrebe, in the statement. “We mourn the loss of a significant philosopher, ever-present advisor, and dear friend.”

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For more than 60 years, Habermas helped shape the political discourse in Germany, particularly during the postwar and post-reunification eras.

He was perhaps best known for introducing the concept of the “public sphere” – a space for public discourse beyond state control, and therefore essential to a healthy democracy.

“Germany and Europe have lost one of the most significant thinkers of our time,” noted German Chancellor Friedrich Merz.

Habermas shot to prominence in the mid-20th century as a member of the Frankfurt School, which was critical of capitalism, fascism, communism, and orthodox Marxism.

Throughout his career, he stressed the importance of confronting the Nazi era as uniquely criminal, insisting that postwar-German democracy must recognize and reckon with its guilt.

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Friedrich Ernst Jürgen Habermas was born in 1929 in Düsseldorf into a middle-class Protestant family. Like many children of his generation, he joined the Hitler Youth as a boy and was drafted into the German military in 1944. He soon became a strong critic of the Nazi regime.

After the war, he studied philosophy, history, psychology, German literature, and economics in Göttingen, Zurich, and Bonn. As a student at Göttingen University, Habermas criticized Martin Heidegger, the greatest living German philosopher of the time, for a remark Heidegger had made nearly two decades earlier and never retracted concerning “the inner truth and greatness of the Nazi movement.”

“Habermas was a modern day Aristotle or Hegel for whom no precinct of culture or science was alien and a gifted polemicist and partisan in the great German political debates of the postwar and post-reunification era,” said Matthew Specter, an intellectual historian at Santa Clara University, in an email to NPR. “He was a philosopher who taught Europeans how to ‘learn from disaster’ by committing to the practice of reason and a radical liberal whose thought remains a resource for resisting illiberalism, nationalism and authoritarian currents worldwide.”

Habermas’s lectures and books were famously dense. He taught at, among other institutions, the Universities of Heidelberg and Frankfurt am Main, as well as the University of California, Berkeley, and was director of the Max Planck Institute for the Study of the Life-Conditions of the Scientific-Technical World in Starnberg.

His “Theory of Communicative Action” published in 1981 is perhaps his best known work and is considered a foundation of 20th-century critical theory.

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“Habermas has been able to go into discussions in political theory and sociology and psychology and legal theory and a dozen different disciplines and become one of the dominant voices in each one,” said former Georgetown University president John DeGioia when introducing the influential thinker before a lecture in 2012.

The philosopher won many awards, such as the prestigious Erasmus Prize in 2013, bestowed by the Dutch Praemium Erasmianum Foundation to individuals or institutions for exceptional contributions to European culture, society, and social science.

As lionized as he was, Habermas’s ideas also came under severe scrutiny. Among other issues, he has been criticized over the years for espousing an idealized theory of communication that ignores power imbalances and practical realities.

Habermas never lost his sense of unbridled hope and insistence on democratic ideals. “Democracy depends on the belief of the people that there is some scope left for collectively shaping a challenging future,” he wrote in a 2010 article for The New York Times.

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Remember the art of window displays? This one will keep you lingering in a vibrant L.A. picnic scene

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Remember the art of window displays? This one will keep you lingering in a vibrant L.A. picnic scene

This story is part of Image’s March Outside issue, a celebration of the Los Angeles outdoors and the many lives to be lived under its unencumbered sky.

In a feat of luck that surprises both visitors and me alike, I live in one of those coveted, mysterious and oxymoronic L.A. neighborhoods: a walkable one. Truthfully (I feel almost guilty saying so), it’s more than walkable; my neighborhood is seemingly oriented around pedestrians rather than just accommodating of them. The main street that intercepts the end of my block is tree-lined and buzzing, with generous sidewalks, gleaming (and respected) crosswalks, and wide windowscapes just begging to be strolled and observed. And yet, it’s rare to find a storefront that compels me to pause and look, as so few display anything other than exactly what is on the racks inside.

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For her window display at the new Toast store in West Hollywood, artist Kyna Payawal wanted to entice pedestrians to stay and linger. Her installation evokes what is perhaps the quintessential Angeleno celebration of spring: a shared picnic. Colorful ceramic fruits, vegetables and flowers mingle on a table covered with myriad serving vessels, all handbuilt in Payawal’s studio, which looks out into her abundant kitchen garden. There are odes to farmers market beans, Payawal’s favorite spring vegetable (the pea), and the woven baskets of her Filipino homeland. And of course there is a piñata, in the shape of a sun and studded with local dried pinto beans, to represent the most joyful of picnic activities. The name of Toast’s new collection, “A Shared Table,” was the catalyst behind Payawal’s picnic, and she was inspired by the brand’s indigo and tomato colorways and their relaxed, organic silhouettes. The tablescape is also a quintessential expression of Padma, Payawal’s art practice, which focuses on nourishing conversations and community through food, ceramic and textile craft collaborations.

With the rapturous cacophony this scene brings to mind, it is surprising to learn that Payawal created all of her pieces in silence. Listening to music rushes her work because she is tempted to sculpt or sew or cook to the beat. Instead, she tunes into the work itself. “There’s a real slowness in food and ceramics,” she says. The time it takes for food to grow and clay to dry requires that Payawal pay attention to her craft. “The attention then becomes this form of care and devotion for the work itself, for the land, and then for the people who touch it.” It is the gift of this slowness and attention that she wishes to impart to anyone who passes by the Toast window and accepts her invitation to share a picnic blanket.

Exterior of Toast and Kyna Payawal in the window.
Window install by artist Kyna Payawal at Toast.

I grew up in the Philippines and moved to Los Angeles about 16 years ago. Being Filipina American really shapes my relationship to food and to gathering and care. Growing up in the Philippines, when you enter someone’s home, their first question is, “kumain ka na ba?” Have you eaten? That’s just core to my existence and my DNA. Sharing and offering food has always been that love language that stayed with me. I went to the market daily with our yaya, and we would make fresh, home-cooked meals every single day. And I grew up in a large extended family, eating kamayan feasts together with our hands. We’d often visit our family farm, where my extended family raised pigs, ducks, chickens and whatnot. Experiencing that life cycle of knowing where my food comes from and watching my uncles do the butchering and then eating it the same day through slow roasting was really impactful for me as a kid.

When I got to L.A., I discovered the rich diversity in cuisines and cultures — Mexican, Latino, Persian, Armenian, Korean. I also started cooking for myself and was lucky to be surrounded by a big group of friends who cooked meals together. That was really formative and evolved my world. And the farmers markets here are crazy! We’re so blessed to have everything grow in abundance. The seasonal aspect of food was nailed down for me in L.A. Sure, stuff is always available, but when you go to the farmers market weekly, you then get to know, OK, peas are really in season for spring and tomatoes for summer.

I moved to this house during the pandemic, when people picked up their slow hobbies. Mine was gardening and it really stuck. Food is one of the most direct ways we can have an impact on the climate crisis. If we change, on a larger systemic level, the way we grow, distribute and decompose food, then we’ll be in a much better place. Gardening just made sense for me to learn how to grow food and eat it sustainably.

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And then, of course, I love serving food and sharing food. I seeded the idea of creating Padma to gather people around to address food insecurity and sustainability. Padma was about bringing these kinds of conversations together in a nourishing space — like over a beautiful meal — to invite care and participation. Now I’m interested in how those same questions of sustainability live in everyday rituals like sharing food, making objects slowly and gathering in ways that restore connection.

Artwork by Kyna Payawal
Artwork in progress by Kyna Payawal
Artwork by Kyna Payawal
Artwork by Kyna Payawal
Kyna Payawal sits with her artwork.
Window install at Toast by artist Kyna Payawal.

Spring is my favorite season. I love it. It’s that season where you’re outdoors and paying attention to the native landscape, to the blooming and the fruiting of everything. You can smell it’s spring. And going out to picnic and just slowing down and getting lost in time with people outside is the best thing. For this Toast display, I was inspired to create a sculptural picnic scene inspired by the outdoor gathering cultures of L.A. and the idea of having a shared blanket. The picnic is one of the most accessible ways we come together across different cultures and share the beauty and magnificence of springtime blooming.

I opted for smaller pieces in the installation. They’re abundant — they fill the scene to get people to pause and pay attention to all the different aspects of the pieces. The colors are inspired by what grows in spring in L.A. The yellows are like the palo verde trees that bloom brightly in the streets. The reds are like the red poppies that wrap around hillsides. The textiles are all dyed with botanical dyes.

The teapot piece has pea tendril decor, which alludes to my favorite spring garden vegetable. The fruit cup and slices are a picnic staple from a Mexican fruit cart. The loquats are from the trees that bloom abundantly right now. The lily is one of the first flowers to bloom in spring. And then there are the vibrant lemons of L.A.

I wove the basket from my neighbor’s tree bark. It alludes to Filipino woven bilao — the big, circular ones with all sorts of fiesta food. I put some scarlet runner beans from the Hollywood Farmers Market over it to symbolize the gathering cultures of Native American tribes. In spring, they celebrate abundance, and my version of the bilao is a kind of offering to that.

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The piñata was a collaboration with a family-run piñata house. It’s actually called the Piñata House, and I designed the sun sculpture, and then collaborated with them on making it. I added some beans over it, too. The piñata functions as a focal point into the scene as a whole, and alludes to one of the biggest gathering cultures in L.A., a very joyous scene of celebration. My hope is that it draws people in and invites them to slow down to look at the pieces, and then inspires them to say, “Oh, let’s have a picnic ourselves!”

Portrait of Kyna Payawal holding her artwork.

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‘Wait Wait’ for March 14, 2026: With Not My Job guest John Cusack

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‘Wait Wait’ for March 14, 2026: With Not My Job guest John Cusack

Actor John Cusack arrives at the Los Angeles premiere of Relativity Media’s “The Raven” held at the Los Angeles Theatre on April 23, 2012 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images For Relativity Media)

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This week’s show was recorded in Chicago with host Peter Sagal, guest judge and scorekeeper Alzo Slade, Not My Job guest John Cusack and panelists Rachel Coster, Adam Felber, and Joyelle Nicole Johnson. Click the audio link above to hear the whole show.

Who’s Alzo This Time

Spring Broken; All The President’s Feet; Marty Supreme Jerk?

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Panel Questions

In The Hole At Whole Foods

Bluff The Listener

Our panelists tell three stories about something 30 years in the making, only one of which is true.

Not My Job: John Cusack answers our questions about people who should’ve said nothing

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Legendary actor John Cusack plays our game called, “Say Nothing”. Three stories about people who should have stayed quiet.

Panel Questions

The Worst Photographers; The Happiest Place on Earth and Your Deepest Secret

Limericks

Alzo Slade reads three news-related limericks: Just Churn It; United Against Noise; H2Occino

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Lightning Fill In The Blank

All the news we couldn’t fit anywhere else

Predictions

Our panelists predict what will be the big surprise at this year’s Oscar ceremony.

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