It can be tough to maintain our relationships with old friends.

We move cross-country. We have kids. Or maybe one person is better at staying in touch than the other.

Despite the challenges, Nina Badzin, host of the podcast Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship, argues we should fight to keep old friends.

“It’s important to have friends who have known you through different stages. It’s a good life skill for happiness,” says Badzin, who has hosted nearly 150 episodes on adult friendships, on topics ranging from defining close friends to dealing with rejection.

The key is to focus less on them and more on you. “Don’t keep score,” she says. “And learn to develop a benefit of the doubt. Assume the best of your friends.”

Badzin talked to Life Kit about how to cultivate a mindset that can help you nurture old friendships — and the art of staying in touch.

How would you define an old friend?

I think a lot of us [define old friends as the ones we made in] childhood, or somebody we were friends with in college who we’re still friends with now.

Having been in the trenches together also makes us feel like old friends. It could be a job where you together had a difficult boss, and you’re still friends 10 years later.

“It’s important to have friends who have known you through different stages,” says Nina Badzin, host of the podcast Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. “It’s a good life skill for happiness to be able to maintain friendships.”

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Why do some friendships survive for decades and others fade away?

The thing that gets in the way of old friendships is a perceived lack of equality and effort. It’s hard not to expect other people to do friendship exactly the way we do or the way it was always done.

Is there value in telling a friend, “I would really like to be loved or cared for this way.” 

Yes, absolutely. For example, you could say, “I love the time we spend together and I don’t mind that I make a lot of the plans, because it’s important to me to see my friends. But I would like to know if you really want these invitations.”

That said, I don’t think you should bring up every friend’s aggravation. It goes back to assuming the best and knowing that people do friendship differently.

Let’s talk more about assuming the best intentions.

There is a quote I love by a former guest of mine, Ruchi Koval, a relationship coach. She said there are people who never disappoint us, and those people are called acquaintances.

An old friend especially is going to have disappointed us at some time, and we will have disappointed that person. So any long-standing friendship needs to have forgiveness in it. And forgiveness requires humility to assume the best.

What does it mean if someone doesn’t have any old friends?

If you haven’t been able to maintain friendships, it’s probably a sign that something is off in your mindset about friendships. Maybe you have unreasonable expectations.

I don’t say this to make people feel terrible. I say it with optimism. This is something you can change. You can have friends in your life now who you make an effort with so that 10 years from now you can consider that person an old friend.

If you only see or talk to an old, out-of-town friend once a year or once every five years, are you still friends? 

Yes, but I would not let five or 10 years go by [without talking to them] if you can help it.

Being an adult means making time for your friends because it is important. If all you can manage right now is a FaceTime with your long-distance friends, I would do that.

Sometimes those can feel like work. 

It is a lot like exercise. Very few people regret having gone on a walk. Yes, we would love to just sit and watch TV, but once you’ve gone on that walk, most people come back and they’re like, “OK, I’m glad I did that.” A phone call with a friend is a lot like that.

“Being an adult means making time for your friends because it is important,” says Badzin. “If all you can manage right now is a FaceTime with your long-distance friends, I would do that.”

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How important is in-person connection to old friendships?

If you’ve been talking on the phone and texting with an old long-distance friend for a decade, you would want to get on a plane at some point and see that person.

If we’re talking about in-town friends, it’s important to get together in person. I love getting together with people in someone’s house much more than a restaurant. It’s so loud. You can only talk to the person right next to you. And after 20 or 30 minutes, you’re caught up and you kind of see your friend on the other side of the table and wonder what she’s up to.

If you’re at someone’s house, you can move around. It’s more natural to talk to one person — then after a little bit, talk to another person. People love being invited over.

How can we give our friends the grace and the space to change?

Most of us want to be able to develop and change our mind about things. There’s not a lot of hope in the world if we have to keep the same opinions and interests we had from the time when we were in our 20s or 30s.

Give your friends space to try different ways of living. Nobody likes to [be around] someone who says, for example, “I thought you said you would never be one of those people who does CrossFit.”

It is one of the biggest gifts you can give to a friend. If we could give others as much space as we give ourselves, it would go a long way.

It sounds like it’s important to fight for your friendships.

All you can do is control how much effort you put in and then assume the best of the people who are important to you.

The digital story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.

Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, and sign up for our newsletter. Follow us on Instagram: @nprlifekit.

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Published May 23, 2025 12:30 AM PDT

Have a question you want to ask Dear Life Kit anonymously? Share it here. For our next episode, we’re looking for your queries on doubt and decision making in relationships. 

Dear Life Kit is NPR’s advice column, where experts answer tricky questions about relationships, social etiquette, work culture and more. 

These questions were answered by Celeste Headlee, a journalist and the author of We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter and Sasha Philip, a professional mediator. The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.

Dear Life Kit, We live in a nice neighborhood that has homeowner association (HOA) rules, and our neighbor is violating them. 

They have multiple broken-down vehicles in their driveway, a huge water container they used during Hurricane Helene in 2024, building supplies (even though there was no damage), and they still have Christmas lights up. They’re a real eyesore.  

No one else in the development lives like this. Do we call the president of the HOA? —Sight for Sore Eyes

Headlee: Do not call the HOA president. Go over and talk to them.

Frankly, as a person of color, please don’t bring in the authorities unless it’s absolutely necessary. You have no idea what’s going on in their life. If you call the HOA and they get fined only to find out that they just had a death in the family, or they have a major medical problem, or that something’s been going on that’s completely disrupted their life, you’re going to feel horrible.

Maybe they need help. Maybe you can go over and say, “I’ve noticed this is happening. Is there anything I can do? Can we get a group of people to help out?”

Philip: Go into this assuming good intentions. Make a plan ahead of time. Say, “OK, I’m going to have this conversation when I’m calm. And if it doesn’t go well, my plan B is X.” And maybe that is calling the HOA. But start at the lowest possible level.

Headlee: It’s hard once you’ve escalated to ratchet back.

Dear Life Kit, My neighbor has a drum set in his basement, and when he plays, I can clearly hear it. He’s decent, however, he practices nearly every day for multiple hours.  I work full time, with one of those days being from home. We’re friends, but I don’t know how to address this. —Drummer Bummer

Headlee: It’s understandable you’re annoyed, but you have to start from the idea that he’s in his personal space. Then ask yourself, “What can I do to make my space better for me?” Put soundproofing insulation on your walls and ceiling. Put on noise-canceling headphones.

Philip: You’re friends. That’s a great starting point. Maybe have a conversation where you work out a compromise. You might say: “Hey, maybe you can practice during hours when I’m not at home,” or “Maybe keep it down a bit when I am home.” Maybe he doesn’t realize it’s bothering you.

Having that conversation might go a long way, and it may still require noise-canceling headphones. But maybe there’s a little room for compromise and collaboration.

Headlee: Don’t wait until you’re ticked off. Wait until there’s no drumming and you’re calm, then bring it up.

Dear Life Kit, How do I respond to a neighbor who’s invited themselves over to gatherings multiple times? When this person texts me asking if we’re having a party for a certain holiday or event, I’m not sure how to respond. Since she’s a neighbor, it’s not like I can lie. —The More, Not the Merrier

Headlee: Context matters. Maybe she’s lonely. Maybe she’s been excluded in her life and made a vow to herself that she was going to be aggressive and get invited to parties. You can absolutely talk to her and find out.

Or you could just say, I’m having a big party, and it’s OK. If there are 10 people here, what do I care if it’s 11?

Philip: I mostly agree. But maybe you’ve planned these gatherings in great detail. Maybe you’ve bought food, drinks and party favors for 10 people and that 11th person would truly be disruptive.

There’s no harm in setting boundaries. If they ask to come to your next event, you might say: “Yes, we are having a gathering, but it really is just for this group of people — my close friends, my family, whoever that might be. You’re more than welcome to come to the next gathering.”

It’s OK to say no, but perhaps figure out what’s going on with her and find an opportunity to say yes.

The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.

Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, and sign up for our newsletter. Follow us on Instagram: @nprlifekit.