Have a question you want to ask Dear Life Kit anonymously? Share it here. For our next episode, we’re looking for your queries on doubt and decision making in relationships. 

Dear Life Kit is NPR’s advice column, where experts answer tricky questions about relationships, social etiquette, work culture and more. 

These questions were answered by Celeste Headlee, a journalist and the author of We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter and Sasha Philip, a professional mediator. The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.

Dear Life Kit, We live in a nice neighborhood that has homeowner association (HOA) rules, and our neighbor is violating them. 

They have multiple broken-down vehicles in their driveway, a huge water container they used during Hurricane Helene in 2024, building supplies (even though there was no damage), and they still have Christmas lights up. They’re a real eyesore.  

No one else in the development lives like this. Do we call the president of the HOA? —Sight for Sore Eyes

Headlee: Do not call the HOA president. Go over and talk to them.

Frankly, as a person of color, please don’t bring in the authorities unless it’s absolutely necessary. You have no idea what’s going on in their life. If you call the HOA and they get fined only to find out that they just had a death in the family, or they have a major medical problem, or that something’s been going on that’s completely disrupted their life, you’re going to feel horrible.

Maybe they need help. Maybe you can go over and say, “I’ve noticed this is happening. Is there anything I can do? Can we get a group of people to help out?”

Philip: Go into this assuming good intentions. Make a plan ahead of time. Say, “OK, I’m going to have this conversation when I’m calm. And if it doesn’t go well, my plan B is X.” And maybe that is calling the HOA. But start at the lowest possible level.

Headlee: It’s hard once you’ve escalated to ratchet back.

Dear Life Kit, My neighbor has a drum set in his basement, and when he plays, I can clearly hear it. He’s decent, however, he practices nearly every day for multiple hours.  I work full time, with one of those days being from home. We’re friends, but I don’t know how to address this. —Drummer Bummer

Headlee: It’s understandable you’re annoyed, but you have to start from the idea that he’s in his personal space. Then ask yourself, “What can I do to make my space better for me?” Put soundproofing insulation on your walls and ceiling. Put on noise-canceling headphones.

Philip: You’re friends. That’s a great starting point. Maybe have a conversation where you work out a compromise. You might say: “Hey, maybe you can practice during hours when I’m not at home,” or “Maybe keep it down a bit when I am home.” Maybe he doesn’t realize it’s bothering you.

Having that conversation might go a long way, and it may still require noise-canceling headphones. But maybe there’s a little room for compromise and collaboration.

Headlee: Don’t wait until you’re ticked off. Wait until there’s no drumming and you’re calm, then bring it up.

Dear Life Kit, How do I respond to a neighbor who’s invited themselves over to gatherings multiple times? When this person texts me asking if we’re having a party for a certain holiday or event, I’m not sure how to respond. Since she’s a neighbor, it’s not like I can lie. —The More, Not the Merrier

Headlee: Context matters. Maybe she’s lonely. Maybe she’s been excluded in her life and made a vow to herself that she was going to be aggressive and get invited to parties. You can absolutely talk to her and find out.

Or you could just say, I’m having a big party, and it’s OK. If there are 10 people here, what do I care if it’s 11?

Philip: I mostly agree. But maybe you’ve planned these gatherings in great detail. Maybe you’ve bought food, drinks and party favors for 10 people and that 11th person would truly be disruptive.

There’s no harm in setting boundaries. If they ask to come to your next event, you might say: “Yes, we are having a gathering, but it really is just for this group of people — my close friends, my family, whoever that might be. You’re more than welcome to come to the next gathering.”

It’s OK to say no, but perhaps figure out what’s going on with her and find an opportunity to say yes.

The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.

Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, and sign up for our newsletter. Follow us on Instagram: @nprlifekit.

Deborah Rutter, the former Kennedy Center president who was fired by President Donald Trump in a major shakeup of the institution, is rejecting criticisms of her tenure.

In February, Trump abruptly ousted Rutter, as well as board chair and major donor David Rubenstein and board members appointed by President Joseph Biden. Trump’s newly-elected board voted him in as the new chair.

At a dinner with the Kennedy Center board Monday evening, Trump said the previous leadership spent millions of dollars. “I don’t know where they spent it,” he said. “They certainly didn’t spend it on wallpaper, carpet or painting.”

Also in the video, current Kennedy Center president Richard Grenell claimed the “deferred maintenance of the Kennedy Center is criminal” and that a review of previous years’ budgets “found $26 million in phantom revenue.” He said he planned to “refer this to the U.S. attorney’s office.”

In response to the assertions, Rutter wrote in a statement, “I am deeply troubled by the false allegations regarding the management of the Kennedy Center being made by people without the context or expertise to understand the complexities involved in nonprofit and arts management.”

Rutter’s statement was emailed to the media Tuesday and is now posted on her website.

She continued, “This malicious attempt to distort the facts, which were consistently, transparently and readily available in professionally audited financial reports, recklessly disregards the truth.”

The Kennedy Center is a vast performing arts hub in Washington, D.C., with seven theaters and some 2,000 performances and events per year. On a tour of the center in March, Trump said it was “in tremendous disrepair,” and claimed “bad management” was the cause.

Former Kennedy Center board chair David Rubenstein, top left, and former president Deborah Rutter, top right, pose during the 43rd Annual Kennedy Center Honors on May 21, 2021 with honorees Joan Baez, Garth Brooks, Debbie Allen, Dick Van Dyke, Midori Gotō.

Paul Morigi/Getty Images/Getty Images North America

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While Rutter did not address the president’s allegation that the center was in “disrepair” in her statement, she responded to NPR via email, saying, “Due to the limited and decreased funding from the federal government, there is a backlog of maintenance that has been prioritized to mirror the appropriated funding.”

She added “This is true of federal buildings and properties in Washington and across the country.”

In 2021 the Smithsonian, another institution that receives federal funds, estimated its deferred maintenance backlog at more than $1 billion.

A House committee has approved a proposal for an enormous budget increase for the Kennedy Center. It would allocate more than $250 million to the Center, most of which would go towards repairs. That’s a sixfold increase from the roughly $40 million the center has received from Congress each year.

In her statement, Rutter said that in each of her 10 years as president, the Kennedy Center’s budget “served as a blueprint for our operations and programming — standard and responsible practice in arts management.”

She noted that the budget was approved by Kennedy Center’s board, which included appointees from Trump’s first term as President. Trump appointed U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi to the Kennedy Center’s board in 2020 and she still serves. At the time she was appointed, she was a member of Trump’s legal team.

Rutter continued, “Perhaps those now in charge are facing significant financial gaps and are seeking to attribute them to past management.”

Asked about Grenell’s claim of finding “$26 million in phantom revenue,” Rutter told NPR, “We have no idea what they are referring to.”

The Kennedy Center claims previous leadership misled the board. In a statement, the center’s current Chief Financial Officer, Donna Arduin, wrote, “The former leadership built a broken budget with an operating deficit of 100 million dollars and a bottom-line deficit of 26 million dollars.”

Former board chair David Rubenstein refuted the allegation. “With full transparency, the financial reports were reviewed and approved by the Kennedy Center’s audit committee and full board as well as a major accounting firm,” he wrote in a statement.

Trump’s takeover of the Kennedy Center and the layoffs that followed under Grenell’s leadership have angered many artists and led to canceled performances by people like actor Issa Rae and musician Rhiannon Giddens. A production of the Broadway musical Hamilton was also canceled.

This week, the Kennedy Center announced its 2025-2026 season, which includes the touring Broadway productions of The Outsiders and Moulin Rouge, the musical Fraggle Rock: Back to the Rock LIVE and performances by the New York City Ballet and the Martha Graham Dance Company.

At Monday night’s board dinner, Grenell mentioned the Kennedy Center productions of Les Misérables and Porgy and Bess and urged those in attendance “to go out and buy tickets.”

Jennifer Vanasco edited this story.