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Once a cheater, always a cheater? Busting 3 common myths about infidelity

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Once a cheater, always a cheater? Busting 3 common myths about infidelity

Can a relationship recover after a romantic affair? Psychologist and affair recovery specialist Talal Alsaleem weighs in on the topic.

Adrián Astorgano for NPR


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Adrián Astorgano for NPR

From an outsider’s perspective, dealing with a cheating partner might seem obvious: cut your losses and run.

But Talal Alsaleem, who has helped hundreds of couples work through their infidelity in his 17 years as a clinical psychologist and licensed marriage and family counselor, says couples should do the opposite. First, they should turn toward each other. That doesn’t necessarily mean forgiving the wrongdoing, he says – it just means facing the problem head-on.

Healing can look a lot of different ways, he says. “Sometimes infidelity is the clear signal that this relationship shouldn’t have [existed] in the first place,” says Alsaleem. But in other cases, it can present “a golden opportunity” for couples to address underlying issues and work together toward a stronger relationship.

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Alsaleem, founder of The Infidelity Counseling Center in Roseville, Calif., shares common misconceptions about romantic affairs — and how to cope.

Myth 1: Cheating means having sex with someone else

Crossing the line means different things to different couples, says Alsaleem. In some relationships, flirting is considered cheating. In others, it’s no big deal.

So explicitly define the boundaries of your relationship as early as possible. Couples assume they’re on the same page about emotional or sexual exclusivity only to realize they’re not when it’s too late, he says.

Get specific with each other. How do you feel about sexting? Porn? How close is too close to a friend or coworker? It might feel awkward to talk through these topics with your partner, says Alsaleem, but it’s important to communicate clear boundaries.

And if your partner “is not willing to engage in conversation about exclusivity, that’s a red flag,” he adds.

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Myth 2: Once a cheater, always a cheater

Just because someone cheated in a past relationship does not mean they’ll cheat on you, says Alsaleem.

But you should make sure your partner worked on the issues that led them to cheating in the first place, says Alsaleem. Otherwise, if put in a similar situation, that person might repeat their mistakes.

And remember: an affair is not a real relationship. “You only know the part of the person they choose to show you in the affair,” says Alsaleem. “Love requires you to be in a three-dimensional relationship where you see the good, bad and in-between.”  

Myth 3: Cheating means your relationship is over

Not everyone can or should forgive infidelity — and it’s OK to end a relationship to save yourself from unnecessary pain and suffering.

However, in Alsaleem’s experience, couples can and do recover from romantic affairs if they commit to it. “If people choose to rebuild their relationship for the right reason, they’re going to end up with a better, healthier relationship than ever before,” he says.

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If that’s a route you want to take, couples should take the time to understand the root cause of the transgression, says Alsaleem. It will help them heal from the trauma and avoid ending up in the same situation again, whether in the current relationship or future relationships.

Keep in mind that forgiveness is earned, says Alsaleem. Rebuilding trust may require proactive transparency on the part of the unfaithful: sharing their location or phone and laptop passwords to prove there’s nothing to hide — at least early on.

“Breaking someone’s heart – that’s not a small thing, regardless of how far we went into the infidelity,” says Alsaleem.

The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.

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‘House of the Dragon,’ Season 3, Episode 2: Honey, I’m home!

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‘House of the Dragon,’ Season 3, Episode 2: Honey, I’m home!

Emma D’Arcy (Rhaenyra).

Ollie Upton/HBO


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This is a recap of the most recent episode of HBO’s House of the Dragon. It contains spoilers. That’s what a recap is. 

Credits! As you’d expect, last week’s Battle of the Gullet earns some new thread in the Die, You! Tapestry — there’s Sharako and Corlys goin’ at it. And there’s poor dead Jacaerys, looking for all the world like your gramma’s tomato pincushion. (I’ve only just realized that when you see blood pooling around a figure in the tapestry, it means they’re dead. Both Sharako and Jacaerys get scarlet blooms — but not Corlys. Hunh.)

We open on the smoking aftermath of the sea-battle, and then we see Rhaena, whose attempt to help Team Black turned into a big ol’ whoopsiedoodle, tearing away on Sheepstealer looking well and truly freaked. (To be clear, Rhaena’s the one who looks freaked; Sheepstealer’s just like, “Welp, my work is done here. Gotta be hitchin’ a ride on the wiiiiind.”)

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They don’t close-caption a character’s internal monologue, but from the expression on her face, Rhaena’s would read something along the lines of “Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap.”

Rhaena (Phoebe Campbell).

Rhaena (Phoebe Campbell).

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Theo Whiteman/HBO

On Dragonstone, the dragonkeepers receive Jacaerys’ corpse and sort of crowd-surf it into the castle like he’s Peter Gabriel during “Lay Your Hands On Me.” Sir Lorent Marbrand, Rhaenyra’s less-than-loyal royal guard, asks a shaken Baela: “The battle?” to which she responds, shakily, “T’is won.”

Which is helpful to know, because from where I’m sitting it looked like a pretty unilateral, omnidirectional clustermess.

If you thought the creators of the show were gonna spare us seeing Rhaenyra’s reaction to Jacaerys’ death (and duly supply Emma D’Arcy with their Emmy clip in the process), you were much mistaken. It’s pretty wrenching stuff. And speaking of wrenching: When Ser Lorent attempts to pull Rhaenyra away from her son’s body, she wrenches out of his grip and turns on him, along with the rest of her Small Council, which has shrunk to just two dudes so now must technically be referred to as her Tiny Council.

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Sunday Puzzle: That’s HOT!

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Sunday Puzzle: That’s HOT!

Sunday Puzzle

NPR


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Sunday Puzzle

On-air challenge

Today’s theme is “hot.” Every answer is a familiar two-word phrase in which the first word starts HO- and the second word starts with T-.

Ex. Rowdy bar with country music, in slang –> HONKY TONK
1. Guided walkthrough of a property
2. Any member of the N.H.L.
3. Lone Star State metropolis that’s the fourth-largest city in the U.S.
4. Like an animal with its four legs bound (hyph.)
5. Instruction manual (hyph.)
6. A little pompous and arrogant, informally (hyph.)
7. Punny greeting from a magician
8. Someone who steals animals from a stable
9. Congestion that drivers encounter around July 4th, say
10. Acquisition of a company against its will.
11. Exclamation for “wow!” on TV’s “Batman”

Last week’s challenge

Last week’s challenge comes from Evan Kalish, of Bayside, N.Y. Take the name of a nocturnal creature, in two words. The first word is a spooky sound. Move the last letter of the first word to the start of the second word and you’ll get another spooky, nocturnal sound. What is the creature and what are the sounds?

Answer: Screech owl –> howl

Winner

Dan Sadoff of St. Paul, Minnesota

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This week’s challenge

This week’s challenge comes from Rawson Sheinberg. of Plymouth, Mich. Think of a U.S. city with a two-word name. Add a letter to the first word, without rearranging letters, to name a country. Then, without adding a letter, rearrange the letters of the second word to name another country. What places are these?

If you know the answer to the challenge, submit it here by Thursday, July 2 at 3 p.m. ET. Listeners whose answers are selected win a chance to play the on-air puzzle. Important: include a phone number where we can reach you.

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This mindset shift can help you get better at using up your leftovers

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This mindset shift can help you get better at using up your leftovers

If you’re struggling to use up leftovers like a half-eaten rotisserie chicken, turn the assignment into a creative exercise, says chef Margaret Li. It’ll make the cooking process more fun and less guilt-driven.

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On a recent weeknight, I opened up my fridge and found an assortment of half-eaten or ignored food.

That included takeout that I didn’t find appetizing enough to eat for lunch. A rotisserie chicken with most of the meat picked off. A couple of raw vegetables from the farmers market that were starting to wilt.

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“There’s nothing to eat,” I told myself. Yet even I knew that was ridiculous. There was plenty of food in my fridge. I just didn’t feel inspired to cook with it.

So I asked some chefs for guidance. How could I more consistently use leftovers and the other ingredients I tend to overlook?

Start with a mindset shift, says Margaret Li, chef and co-author of the cookbook Perfectly Good Food: A Totally Achievable Zero Waste Approach to Home Cooking. Think about cooking with leftovers as a creative, experimental exercise, not a guilt-driven one.

“It ends up being this fun game where you are creating something from what seems like nothing and solving this puzzle, and then you get to eat it,” she says.

There are other good reasons to use up your food scraps. Nationally, about a quarter of food products go to waste, according to the nonprofit ReFED. In my own household, where we spend about $200 a week on groceries, that means I might be throwing out the equivalent of $50 of food — an unnecessary burden on my wallet, not to mention the environment.

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The chefs I spoke to had some practical tips about using up more of the food we buy. Here are a few that I put to the test.

Find your “hero recipes”

Build up an arsenal of go-to recipes that are flexible enough to use up just about any ingredient. Li calls them “hero recipes.”

I tried one of these from her cookbook, called “Make-It-Your-Own Stir-Fry.” (Scroll down for the recipe.) It includes loose ingredients like “1 pound crisp-crunchy vegetables” or “4 cups leafy greens.”

In the spirit of the recipe, I pulled vegetables out of my fridge at random and did not measure them out. The sauce was a simple mixture of soy sauce, vinegar, sugar and water. By the time I topped my bowl with chopped scallions, the dish looked like a gourmet meal, not an afterthought.

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