Lifestyle
Modern Love Podcast: Beyond Girlfriend-Boyfriend
I had my first boyfriend in sixth grade. I bear in mind he wore skate footwear, these actually puffy skate footwear, and he had hair that was so lengthy it was unattainable to see his eyes. We met up on the flagpole after college. And I distinctly bear in mind he gave me a fist bump, after which that was it. We have been girlfriend-boyfriend.
By the best way, you needed to say it like that, “girlfriend-boyfriend,” actually quick as if it was one phrase, as a result of we have been now one entity. We have been girlfriend-boyfriend. However I bear in mind feeling nervous that we weren’t residing as much as no matter it meant to be girlfriend-boyfriend. And the strain obtained to be an excessive amount of. We broke up just a few weeks later. Which, I imply, it was center college.
From The New York Instances, I’m Anna Martin, and that is the Fashionable Love podcast. This week’s essay shouldn’t be about center college, however it’s concerning the strain of that girlfriend-boyfriend entity. It’s referred to as “My Selection Isn’t Marriage or Loneliness.” It’s written by Haili Blassingame and browse by Shana Small.
I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years throughout quarantine. I despatched him an electronic mail with the topic line “My Phrases,” and proceeded to stipulate why I needed to be single. In an effort to impose order on my choice, I included subheadings, like “Why I Want This,” “What This Change Means for You” and “What We’ll Say To the Exterior World,” adopted by a path of bullet factors. Beneath the subheading “What this doesn’t imply,” I wrote “that I don’t love you anymore.”
We have been three months into the pandemic, and most of us couldn’t fathom the devastation to come back. By then, although, we might start to see our loneliness stretching into the long run with no endpoint. And right here I used to be alone, and equally determined for connection, breaking apart with my boyfriend of 5 years although nothing between us had damaged. For months afterward, I struggled to grasp why. I needed to look again on flashpoints all through the connection to see that my singleness was inevitable. I used to be merely discovering the phrases to clarify it to myself.
I had met Malcolm my freshman yr of school at a luncheon for honor college students. He was carrying a blue plaid button-down, and his voice was a startling baritone. Everybody in contrast him to Barack Obama. He was equally heat, what some would possibly name magnetic. He appeared like an affordable individual to belief together with your life, or your love.
My pal and I had been speaking idly about beginning a relationship service on campus. I walked as much as him and requested if he needed to be our first shopper. He laughed. “OK, positive.” I pulled out my cellphone. “First, I’ve to take your image so ladies can know what you seem like.” The image got here out awkward and blurry. Nonetheless, I despatched it to my mom, giddy concerning the cute man with the deep voice who seemed like Obama.
After the luncheon, he and I circled one another for 2 years, till one night time I referred to as to see if he needed to hang around. What adopted was a relationship plucked from romantic folklore. He despatched me flowers with handwritten letters and organized from my favourite ice cream to be delivered to my resort room whereas I used to be at a convention in New York. After 4 months, he adopted me to France, the place I used to be finding out overseas my junior yr. That’s the place our relationship grew to become official.
“I suppose we should always get collectively or one thing,” I mentioned.
He mentioned, “We’re type of already collectively, aren’t we?”
“I do know, however I ought to most likely be your girlfriend, proper?”
“OK.”
Our change felt like a dialog between two third graders on the playground. I understood that I used to be alleged to care about this milestone. He was my first boyfriend. But once I grasped for the importance of it, I got here up empty.
When he left France a number of weeks earlier than I did, I used to be stunned to really feel relieved. I longed to not be alone, to not be with out love, however for freedom and autonomy.
Since we had gotten collectively, I had felt our identities weaving into a good looking quilt, and I didn’t see the way to disentangle myself with out alienating the person I cherished.
I used to be someone with out him. I knew this. However others didn’t appear to. Even once I was on my own, individuals all the time requested me about him, dropping me right into a way forward for marriage, kids and muted wishes that I had not signed up for. I needed my id again. I needed to unravel.
As quickly as I obtained again, I instructed an open relationship, one thing I had needed from the start. I noticed it as a step towards establishing myself as a romantic and sexual entity exterior of my relationship. When Malcolm and I first instructed family and friends about our open relationship, we have been met with verbal lashings and gross generalizations, together with that “this was not one thing Black individuals did.” A lot later, I spotted they considered our association as a private assault on an establishment they needed to consider in.
The next yr, after leaving school in Atlanta, we moved 2,000 miles aside — Malcolm dwelling to California, me dwelling to D.C. — with no plans of both of us shifting to be with the opposite anytime quickly. We noticed one another a number of instances a yr. By the point the pandemic hit, we had been lengthy distance for 3 years, and I noticed no downside with it.
Many instances, I assumed I had a basic worry of dedication, however I knew it was extra difficult. I used to be resisting one thing larger than our particular person relationship. And my resistance was political.
A day earlier than I despatched Malcolm the e-mail saying I needed to interrupt up, I got here throughout a time period on-line: solo polyamory. It described an individual who was romantically concerned with many individuals, however shouldn’t be essentially in search of a dedicated relationship with anybody. What makes this completely different from informal relationship is that they’re not on the lookout for a accomplice, and the connection isn’t anticipated to escalate to long-term commitments, like marriage or kids. The connection isn’t seen as wasted time or missing significance as a result of it doesn’t result in marriage.
For as soon as, within the huge literature on love, I felt seen. I preferred how solo polyamory cherished and prioritized autonomy and the preservation of self, and I discovered its rejection of conventional fashions of romantic love releasing. I wasn’t comfy figuring out as polyamorous then, nevertheless it spoke to my want for one thing non-traditional.
In some methods, this was the revolt I had been in search of. My total girlhood had been consumed by fantasies that have been drive fed to me. Love and relationships have been offered as binary. And on this binary, the lady should get married or be lonely (or, in basic novels, die). Or in basic novels, die. The trail to freedom and happiness was narrower nonetheless for Black girls. Even in our extraordinarily loving relationship, I had felt confined.
I knew my mom could be devastated by the breakup. A divorcee of 20-plus years, she typically warned towards ending up like her, a girl untethered to a person. I waited practically six months to inform her. After I did, she mentioned, what if he finds another person? “He might have discovered another person after we have been collectively,” I mentioned, puzzled. However relationships do give the phantasm that we exist in a bubble with one other individual, insulated from the remainder of the world. That’s a part of what makes them really feel so intimate.
After I despatched Malcolm my breakup electronic mail, he and I spoke on the cellphone. “I’ve to be sincere,” he mentioned, “I used to be a little bit unhappy once I learn it.” “Why?” I requested.
“It simply appeared extra ultimate in an electronic mail.”
“You realize, we will change the phrases every time we wish,” I mentioned.
“I do know.”
“You’re nonetheless my finest pal,” I mentioned.
He made a joke about being pal zoned, then mentioned, “Yeah. you’re my finest pal too.”
I just lately went to a web based dialogue about polyamory. All of the faces within the chat have been Black. “You must personal your alternative,” one man mentioned. “You must bear in mind, you select this for a purpose.” I considered my option to be single and never trying, however nonetheless very a lot loving.
Shedding the id of girlfriend has allowed me to expertise the expansiveness of affection. It has challenged me to stretch the bounds of my relationships to see what they are often when relieved of social strain. As people, we’re all the time going to succeed in for certainty, utilizing the few instruments we’ve got. And generally that software will probably be a label like “girlfriend.” However in a yr of crippling loss, canceled journeys and delayed milestones, I’ve discovered unusual comfort in figuring out that nothing in our lives has ever been sure. Regardless of that, or maybe due to it, I’m simply right here to take pleasure in this, no matter that is, for nevertheless lengthy it lasts.
Hey, Haili.
Hello, Anna.
Nicely, I’m actually excited to speak to you. There’s a ton to dig into in your story. However let’s begin right here. In your essay, you say that you simply felt uncomfortable with the time period “girlfriend.” And I wish to know, how did that play out for you whenever you have been in a relationship with Malcolm?
Oh. I imply, labels and definitions and titles, a part of their operate is to point out individuals and inform individuals the way to deal with you and the way to relate to you. And so I might simply get irritated after we would exit and out of the blue a few of the dynamics would shift as a result of it was revealed that I used to be his girlfriend. And I bear in mind there was one incident the place one thing occurred, and one other man got here up and was like, let your man deal with it. And I used to be similar to, OK. See, that is the stuff that makes me really feel like I don’t need any affiliation with it.
And individuals are going to do issues like that. And I don’t essentially imply that you must distance your self solely from a system. However I suppose for me, that individual piece of it was simply so annoying that I needed to dispose of it. I didn’t wish to cope with it.
Was that second when the individual mentioned, “Let your man deal with it,” was {that a} second of choice for you? The place you have been like, you already know what, that’s it, I’m executed with this label? Or was it extra of a gradual burn to realizing you have been executed?
This was, I believe, my senior yr of school. And that yr was pivotal simply by way of my relationship to feminism. And I believe the deeper I obtained into non-monogamy, the extra it made me study monogamy.
To begin with, I believe monogamy speaks to very legitimate and bonafide boundaries that individuals have of their relationships. However for me, it was about questioning these boundaries, like, what are they attempting to maintain in, what are they attempting to maintain out, and whether or not that made sense for the varieties of relationships I used to be attempting to have.
Positive. You and Malcolm, are you continue to in contact? What’s the dynamic between you two right now?
Yeah, we’re nonetheless in contact. We nonetheless discuss on the cellphone fairly often. We’re, I might say, finest mates. I simply assume that we obtained collectively after we have been 19, and so we grew up collectively, in a way. And that’s one thing onerous to disentangle your self from solely.
What conversations have you ever had with both of your dad and mom since coming into this non-monogamous life-style? How have you ever articulated this option to your dad and mom?
So. [LAUGHS] My household doesn’t get any of this. And that is humorous. Actually final week, my dad was like, so, the place’s your boyfriend? In order that’s the place he’s. He has no concept what’s happening.
And also you have been like, Dad, come on, I’ve defined non-monogamy to you.
I’m like, what are you speaking about? After which I defined to him that me and Malcolm have been simply mates. And he was like, that’s a bunch of junk. In order that’s the place he stands. And my mother [LAUGHS] My mother and I are very shut, and we discuss every single day.
And so, although she doesn’t get it on a private stage, she’s undoubtedly grown quite a bit in acceptance. And my mother understands that that is me being a younger lady attempting to outline and be true to her wishes. And this has been my journey into that. However she has had her personal journey into that as a younger lady. So I believe that’s form of the place she is.
Haili, thanks a lot for speaking to me. I actually loved our dialog.
Thanks a lot, Anna.
Fashionable Love is produced by Julia Botero and Hans Buetow, with assist from Tally Abecassis. It’s edited by Sarah Sarasohn. This episode was blended by Elisheba Ittoop. Dan Powell created our Fashionable Love theme music.
Digital manufacturing by Mahima Chablani and a particular because of Ryan Wegner at Audm. The Fashionable Love column is edited by Dan Jones. Miya Lee is the editor of Fashionable Love tasks. I’m Anna Martin. Thanks for listening.
Lifestyle
Netflix is dreaming of a glitch-free Christmas with 2 major NFL games set
Netflix is gearing up to stream two NFL games this Christmas Day: the Kansas City Chiefs vs. the Pittsburgh Steelers at 1 p.m. ET, followed by the Baltimore Ravens vs. the Houston Texans at 4:30 p.m. ET.
These football games will mark the streaming service’s latest test at live programming for events that will likely draw millions of viewers.
Last year, an average of 28.7 million viewers tuned in to one of the three NFL football games on Christmas Day — the Las Vegas Raiders vs. the Chiefs; the New York Giants vs. the Philadelphia Eagles; and the Ravens vs. the San Francisco 49ers. The matchups ranked among the top 25 most-viewed TV programs of 2023.
“We couldn’t be more excited to be the first professional sports league to partner with Netflix to bring live games to fans around the world,” said Hans Schroeder, NFL executive vice president of media distribution, in a statement.
But it’s not just the touchdowns and tackles that are expected to drive viewership.
Before the Ravens take on the Texans, Grammy-winning group Pentatonix will sing the national anthem. At halftime, Beyoncé will take the stage, preforming tracks from her 2024 album Cowboy Carter live for the first time, along with special guest appearances.
Netflix says it learned from Tyson-Paul boxing match glitches
Netflix’s move to stream NFL games comes just weeks after the platform’s attempt to broadcast live boxing between Jake Paul and Mike Tyson was rife with technical glitches.
Many fans reported on social media experiencing long buffering times or being booted from the stream. According to the website Down Detector, at least 85,000 viewers experienced streaming issues. The disruptions were so frustrating to one Florida man that he filed a class action lawsuit against Netflix over the “unwatchable” livestream.
At its peak, the fight reached 65 million concurrent streams globally, which was an unprecedented scale for Netflix.
A Netflix spokesperson said the platform has learned a great deal about streaming from the Tyson vs. Paul fight, adding that Netflix has adjusted its “content delivery, encoding, and streaming protocols accordingly” to prevent technical issues for the football games.
“We now know from experience what are the main pressure points in our infrastructure and are promptly addressing them ahead of the NFL games,” the spokesperson said in an email.
A lot is at stake for Netflix to get livestreams right and glitch-free. The platform is already set to air NFL games on Christmas Day in 2025 and 2026. Netflix will also begin broadcasting WWE Raw, SmackDown and other WWE programming weekly starting Jan. 6.
On Friday, Netflix secured a deal with FIFA to gain exclusive streaming rights to the Women’s World Cup in 2027 and 2031. The two groups said it is not only a score for the streamer, but a win for FIFA, which is hoping to reach a wider audience, especially in the U.S.
“This agreement sends a strong message about the real value of the FIFA Women’s World Cup and the global women’s game,” said FIFA President Gianni Infantino in a statement.
Whether it’s a comedy special, a late-night talk show, or a dating show reunion, it has been hit or miss as to whether Netflix’s broadcasts will run smoothly.
But it’s clear that live programming is here to stay on Netflix. In recent years, the streamer has been experimenting more with live programming — an area largely dominated by traditional TV platforms. It’s a sharp pivot from the binge-watching trend that helped Netflix rise to popularity.
Netflix has the largest subscriber base of any streaming service worldwide. But mastering live streaming will be crucial for its future as concerns about stagnation and subscriber growth continue to loom.
Lifestyle
How to have the best Sunday in L.A., according to Kyle Mooney
Now that he has a baby, Kyle Mooney doesn’t leave a certain L.A. radius much if he doesn’t have to. And he’s content with that. The “Saturday Night Live” alum spends most of his time in Pasadena, Glendale, Highland Park and, most of all, Eagle Rock, where he lives with his wife and their infant daughter. “I felt like the ‘artsiness’ of it was something I could relate to,” says Mooney, explaining why he was drawn to the neighborhood. “Highland Park 1734839354 feels a little bit like what Silver Lake did when I was in my 20s, but we were really struck by the neighborhood in Eagle Rock. I think it’s pretty special and quaint in an awesome way.”
In Sunday Funday, L.A. people give us a play-by-play of their ideal Sunday around town. Find ideas and inspiration on where to go, what to eat and how to enjoy life on the weekends.
Mooney has been revisiting the past lately, both on and off the screen. The actor and comedian made his directorial debut with “Y2K,” an early aughts set horror movie that imagines a world where machines actually do rise up against humanity as feared at the turn of the millennium. The film, in theaters now, will arrive available to watch at home on Dec. 24.
Outside of work, Mooney has been revisiting the past lately. He recently reinstated a love for baseball that was born during his childhood days in Little League. “It’s such a nerdy sport but for some reason it does something for me, it’s something that tickles my brain,” he says.
Mooney’s ideal Sunday includes baseball trivia, the hottest of hot sauces and multiple walks around the neighborhood. “Sundays have a very special place in my heart because when I worked on ‘SNL,’ that was my only day off,” he said. “So we would really take advantage of it and try to get as much fun stuff in as possible.”
This interview has been lightly edited and condensed for length and clarity.
8:30 a.m.: “Late” morning wake up
Throughout my 20s, I used to try to sleep in as late as possible so that if I woke up at 4 p.m., I could get away with only having to pay for dinner. And then when I was on “SNL,” the schedule is built for late night so you’re pretty used to sleeping in as late as you can just so you can handle [working] into the early morning.
Our schedule now is pretty much based around the baby. My wife and I switch off every couple days who wakes up with her. She gets up typically around 6-ish, sometimes as early as 5:30 a.m. So if I could sleep in until 9 a.m. or 9:30 a.m., that would be rad.
8:35 a.m.: Baseball trivia games in bed
When I wake up, I always play this [mobile] game called Immaculate Grid that’s a baseball stats game. It’s just recollecting stats that players have had and [recalling] the history of baseball. When baseball season’s going, I have like three other friends [who also play] and we send each other our scores. So I’ll play that and then I’ll hang with the baby.
I loved baseball as a kid. I got really into collecting cards and the history of it. There’s a Ken Burns documentary on baseball and they produced this big old book that my dad would read with me at bedtime when I was in fourth or fifth grade.
I really got back into baseball in the last couple years — I am from San Diego and I’m a Padres fan — and it was a funny feeling as the Dodgers were amid a World Series run to be wearing a San Diego baseball cap. Never before had I felt like a bad guy. This year was the first year where I was like “You know, I’m actually not going to wear my hat [in public].”
10 a.m.: Me-time while baby naps
I try to go to the gym when I can, but if not, I like to jog around the neighborhood. Being able to say that I jogged a mile or a mile and a half feels like a win.
When I’m on my jog, I’ll always listen to music and sometimes try to edit a playlist. That’s something that relaxes me. I turned 40 this past year and my wife and I had a shared birthday party so there was a lot of prep for building the playlist. Around that time, on these jogs I was adding songs to a massive playlist that was like 14 hours long and then making cuts, dwindling it down until it was like six hours of music that we could pass off to the DJ to pull from. The music I love the most for a party environment is ’80s R&B and funk, maybe Italo disco and yacht rock.
11 a.m.: Venture outdoors for brunch and margaritas
One of the places down the street from us is called Relentless, they’re great. They have a great margarita. And we almost every time get the cauliflower wings. They also occasionally have natural wine, which is something that both my wife and I are really into. They’re always good about making a scrambled egg for our baby that sometimes she’ll eat, which is a major win.
We also like to go to the Hermosillo, which is a bar in Highland Park that has great food. I love their cheeseburger, hot dog and fried pickles. They have a great outdoor area where you can hang with kids and there’s a lot of families so you don’t feel like you’re spoiling anyone’s time by having a loud child. We also sometimes go to Mijares in Pasadena for margaritas, chips and salsa and that classic, old-school Mexican cuisine.
11 a.m.: Alternate plan? Have a burning meal
We also go sometimes to the Greyhound, which is a bar and restaurant in Highland Park and Glendale. These days they have a great selection of wings and various sauces. The last time I got the hottest one. I like trying whatever the “fire, extreme danger, high voltage” wing is, especially if I’m at a new place. When we order takeout, if we’re getting Indian food or Thai food, I’ll put in a note like “Please make this as spicy as possible.” One of the spiciest dishes I’ve ever tasted was at Jitlada and they have a competition surrounding it. That was one that I probably had maybe four or five bites and was like “I actually can’t handle it.” I think it’s only happened maybe twice in my life where I’m like, “I can’t go any further.”
I did a Hot Ones Versus recently with Fred Durst, who’s in our movie. He was suffering. They claim we had their spiciest wing. I was grabbing them when I didn’t even have to, just enjoying them. I’m like “it’s not that spicy” but I looked like a clown with a big red ring around my lips.
3 p.m.: Second walk of the day
Both in the morning and [before dinner] in the evening, we’ll work in a walk with the whole family. I put her in the Baby Bjorn and we’ll walk around the neighborhood and look at birds and doggies and squirrels. One of the really awesome parts about Eagle Rock is that it’s full of nice people, so we see a lot of familiar faces and know a lot of the folks that we run into. And my wife and I can catch up on gossip if we want to.
4:30 p.m.: Dinnertime
Going out to eat twice in a day, I don’t know how often we do it. A place we love to go to a lot is Colombo’s down the street from us. It is definitely walkable but we typically drive just because it’s pretty hilly. I love Colombo’s, we’ve just figured out our order: I like the sausage and peppers dish, the steak, the fried mozzarella. My wife tends to do a make-your-own pasta with angel hair, garlic and butter. And then if I can handle it, I’ll get a cocktail martini.
6 p.m.: Gradual wind-down back home
Hopefully baby’s had food at dinner. If not, we’ll make her a little something. Maybe we’ll allow ourselves to watch a little TV, all of us together. Right now she’s really into the “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse,” she will also watch “Ms. Rachel.” And then we’ll get her ready for bed and read some stories and sing some songs. And then depending on our level of exhaustion, sometimes we’ll have friends come over and play Quiplash or something like that.
Usually we will just try to watch a movie on demand or rent one. We’re very bad at finishing them the same night. It almost always takes two days to the point that sometimes we’re paying twice to watch it.
Right now we’re in Christmas zone, so we’ll probably start revisiting the Christmas classics: There’s this animated movie from the ’70s that Rankin/Bass did called “’Twas the Night Before Christmas” that’s about a broken clock, essentially. And I love “A Garfield Christmas.” I’m a “Love, Actually” fan as well. And there’s always a black-and-white Christmas movie that I’ve never seen so sometimes we’ll find something that’s old but new to us.
8 p.m.: YouTube rabbit hole before bed
I like to shower [before bed] and sometimes I’ll go on baseballreference.com and learn about some baseball players. It’s just something to constantly be studying for the competition with my friends.
I truly can entertain myself on the internet for several hours. One recent YouTube search was “’80s Christmas specials.” I’m really obsessed with the idea that there are all these specials that aired on TV that just became lost media, they’re not on DVD or streaming or anything like that. “Flash Beagle” was a Charlie Brown cartoon from the early ’80s that was a spoof of the movie “Flash Dance.” Snoopy’s in a headband dancing and for some reason I’m obsessed.
Lifestyle
'Wait Wait' for December 21, 2024: With Not My Job guests Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone
This week’s show was recorded in Chicago with host Peter Sagal, judge and scorekeeper Bill Kurtis, Not My Job guests Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone and panelists Dulcé Sloan, Hari Kondabolu, and Roy Blount, Jr. Click the audio link above to hear the whole show.
Who’s Bill This Time
New Jersey State of Mind; Warped Wraps; His Holy Hilariousness
Panel Questions
Dill Sparklers
Bluff The Listener
Our panelists tell three stories about new kinds of outdoor activities, only one of which is true.
Not My Job: Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone answer questions about Melissa & Doug toys
Hollywood power couple (and creators of the podcast Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire) Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone play our game called, “Melissa and Ben, meet Melissa And Doug.” Three questions about the wooden toy company.
Panel Questions
Doctors Thought; The Most Germiest Time of the Year; A Frosty Arms Race
Limericks
Bill Kurtis reads three news-related limericks: Knitting With Fido; Pasta Princes; How To Get That Medium-Rare Look
Lightning Fill In The Blank
All the news we couldn’t fit anywhere else
Predictions
Our panelists predict what will be the best Christmas present of the year.
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