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L.A. Affairs: After my wife of 32 years died, I was lost. Could I ever love again?

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L.A. Affairs: After my wife of 32 years died, I was lost. Could I ever love again?

It was my senior year at Van Nuys High. I had noticed her, especially because two of my buddies were drooling over her best friend who cruised the quad of the San Fernando Valley high school with the air of a temptress. Head over heels, my friends did everything they could to lurk in close proximity to her, and I tagged along.

One Friday afternoon, Mike, Larry and I were driving together to Ensenada to surf away the weekend. We took a right off Ventura Boulevard onto Sepulveda Boulevard. By a stroke of luck, we spotted yet passed by their source of attraction walking in the direction of the hills with two girlfriends. A crazy, screeching U-turn later, we were all chatting, and the girls invited us up to my future wife’s house and pool.

We acquiesced and drove up Woodcliff Road, forgetting all about picking up another Mike at his parents’ garage for our trip. Poolside, I ended up staring into the dark brown eyes of my future wife accompanied by her bleach-blond friend, while my friends tried their best to act cool next to the girl they had lusted after for much of the past school semester.

I had an epiphany, realizing she was the most gorgeously attractive girl my 17-year-old self had ever encountered. I wanted to skip the Mexico trip but couldn’t convince the others. So, hours later, we eventually took off to pick up the other Mike. All weekend I dreamed of Monday when I would see her again in school.

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The girl with dark brown eyes and I eventually got married — a marriage that lasted 32 years and three kids but ended when she died from breast cancer in 2012.

Confused years ensued. I was devastated yet found first-class therapy from yoga and ocean time. Eventually I started dating — month-long liaisons as well as some for a year or so. My dating go-to spots mostly lined the Venice stretch along Abbot Kinney Boulevard, especially Wabi-Sabi or the Tasting Kitchen. But my heart was truly never looking for short-term hookups. It desired another chance at 30 years with deep, magical, encompassing love. Friends told me I was being unrealistic. I said it was complicated.

I had long refused to be set up, gently turning down any attempts by friends and family to arrange dates or promptings to meet this or that woman. Also, the idea of a dating app was not in the picture. No dis, but I was fortunate enough to meet women in other ways. Then again, nothing stuck. Not until the day when a woman from an infatuation a few years back introduced me to Michele.

For some unknown reason, I happily agreed to her get-together. Maybe it was my state of mind at the time. I can’t explain it. Also, it wasn’t even a date. Or so I told myself. A dinner for three, without even having seen what Michele looked like. All I knew was that my ex cryptically said she was “Filipino or something … Asian anyway,” without me inquiring.

I was early, so I parked outside the restaurant, which was close to the place Michele managed. On the spur of the moment, I walked down to the small shop, peeked in and saw a woman who matched the description. Still, I decided to wait outside until the customers had left, when she would be alone since she was about to close. I even had time to walk back to my car and change from my T-shirt into a clean white dress shirt I had brought with me.

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I walked in smiling, introduced myself and asked if she was Michele. I realize it was a bit of an unusual move to just barge in, but, seemingly unfazed, she smiled back. There was this immediate organic connection. We spoke for at least 15 minutes, and the conversation flowed as if we had known each other for decades.

At the restaurant, we talked about everything. Past and present. My ex moved over to talk to some friends as Michele and I carved a path in each other’s eyes, getting down to personal emotions right away as if it was the most natural thing in the world. I’ve never been able to be any other way, and her heart, she later revealed, seemed to blossom in a way her almost 60-year-old well-traveled soul had never experienced.

Michele kissed me as we parted. (She still says I kissed her.) Four days later, we went on our first real date. All this was right before Christmas, and soon after, I was taking a trip to Sweden. I had known her only a week, but as she drove me to the airport, I asked her to join me for a Jason Isbell concert at Walt Disney Concert Hall two weeks later. She said yes.

Once reunited, I gave her a book of mine with the inscription: “You’ve tattooed your name on my heart” … and here we are five years later and married. Her Taiwanese heritage and my Swedish background have cemented a foundation that grows and flourishes beyond all barriers, cherishing what SoCal and the world have to offer.

All relationships encounter challenges. Michele emphatically maintains they make you stronger. Adjust, gain insight and integrity, yet embrace loving compromise. That’s progress. Love transcends it all if you work on it.

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The author is a writer who has shuttled among Maui, Sherman Oaks and Stockholm while producing radio and television in collaboration with the BBC. Today his company publishes a current events quiz for schools.

L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here.

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Comedian Ronny Chieng is thankful he never got a job out of law school

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Comedian Ronny Chieng is thankful he never got a job out of law school

A note from Wild Card host Rachel Martin: When you’ve watched Ronny Chieng’s comedy, it becomes pretty clear he’s a guy who takes none of his success for granted. He knows life could have turned out differently. What were the odds that a twenty-something Chinese Malaysian guy trying to launch a comedy career after law school in Australia would make it big in America? Whatever the odds were, Ronny Chieng beat them to become one of the biggest names in comedy.

He’s been a regular correspondent on The Daily Show since 2015 and is now a rotating host. He absolutely crushes his role as Jimmy O. Yang’s best friend in the Hulu show Interior Chinatown. And he’s got his third Netflix comedy special out now called Ronny Chieng: Love to Hate It, which made me laugh so hard I started recommending it to anyone within earshot.

The comedy in his specials is rooted in personal experience and observation, but this one is especially so. From stories about the challenges and absurdity of IVF to his dad’s death, he weaves in and out of these intimate places in the most hilarious way possible.

Throw in some razor-sharp observations about masculinity and YouTube in the Trump era, and boom! You got yourself an epic comedic journey well worth the ride.

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The trailer for “Ronny Chieng: Speakeasy.”

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This Wild Card interview has been edited for length and clarity. Host Rachel Martin asks guests randomly selected questions from a deck of cards. Tap play above to listen to the full podcast, or read an excerpt below.

Question 1: How do you consciously try to emulate your parents?

Ronny Chieng: I don’t think anything is that impressive. [laughs]

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That’s how I mimic them because they’re not easily impressed by much — but in a good way. So, I think in that way I try to see reality the way they see it, where they’re like, “Oh yeah, this is not that big of a deal. This is not that big of an achievement.” [laughs]

Rachel Martin: I think that would be helpful in your line of work, actually, because there is the risk that things spiral and all of a sudden, you think you’re really awesome.

Chieng: Yeah, yeah. It keeps you working to pursue perfection, right? You never think you’ve achieved it, so it’s good.

Martin: Did that ever cut the other way for you growing up? Like, if you did a thing and you wanted them to be proud of you and they were like, “Hmm?”

Chieng: I don’t know. I don’t think I was that impressive a kid. I didn’t have that many great achievements anyway, so I don’t feel like they wronged me by not being impressed. So, no, I don’t. I was like, “Yeah.” I was like, “You’re right. It’s not that impressive.” [laughs]

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Martin: And do you find that people in your line of work are constantly seeking that kind of affirmation? Do you find yourself falling into that trap?

Chieng: You know, my line of work being stand-up comedy — undoubtedly, we seek affirmation through a crowd response to our jokes, right?

We are looking for a good reaction to a joke, specifically laughter. So, in that way our integrity is compromised.

But we don’t believe in our own marketing. Someone told me, “The best comics think that their material is bad.” And there’s something to that, I think. I don’t know any great comic who’s like, “Oh, my material is the best in the world,” you know?

You’re always looking at other comics and going, “Man, that guy’s really funny. I need to write a better bit,” you know? You never feel like you have the greatest joke in the world. You’re always impressed by someone else’s joke. That’s how I feel, anyway.

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Jimmy O. Yang (left) and Ronny Chieng (R) at the premiere of Hulu's "Interior Chinatown."

Jimmy O. Yang (left) and Ronny Chieng (R) at the premiere of Hulu’s “Interior Chinatown.”

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Question 2: What was a disappointing experience that now feels like a blessing?

Chieng: I couldn’t get a job coming out of law school. My grades were too bad, and I couldn’t get hired. And everyone around me was getting jobs because I went to a very good law school, so everyone around me was these very hyper-competitive type-A people who were getting really good jobs at these big law firms. And I felt a little left out at the time.

But in hindsight, I’m like, “Oh man, I’m so glad I never got hired,” because I think it would have been more difficult for me to quit a job and do comedy. As it was, I just — I didn’t have anything to lose, so I could just do comedy. It wasn’t like I had to pick between comedy and a corporate job. I was just not smart enough like my wife. I went to law school with my wife and she’s like a genius. Her grades are amazing. She got all these job offers. But I couldn’t get a single one.

Martin: So, were your parents disappointed that that didn’t pan out for you?

Chieng: No, they weren’t because I never told them.

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Martin: What do you mean?

Chieng: I didn’t tell them I was doing comedy. They thought I was studying for the bar exam, which I was in fairness. But at that time, I was just doing comedy. And by the time they found out, it was almost too late.

Martin: Wait, that’s awesome. So you just led this separate life — assuming you were in a good enough place that when they found out, they weren’t traumatized. You’re like, “I’m a comedian — and I can pay my rent. So it’s okay?”

Chieng: Yeah. They only found out honestly when I got hired on The Daily Show.

Martin: Wow. Did they know what The Daily Show was?

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Chieng: No, they didn’t know what it was, but after I told them I got hired, they googled it, they found out all about it, they were like, “Oh, you know, this is an important show, this is a very famous show,” and I’m like, “Yeah, I know, I know.”

They kind of trained me to be like, you know, it’s just an opportunity. It doesn’t mean you’re good. [laughs] It just means you have a chance to do something cool, right? Like that’s what it was, so that’s what I took it for. And that’s really what the strength of being on The Daily Show is. Like, more so than fame or whatever, it’s like this opportunity to work with extremely talented people and really become better yourself. Because everyone at that show is so good at their jobs that you don’t want to be the weakest link. And so you lift your game. So, that’s why it’s the best job in comedy. It makes you a better writer, performer, comedian, satirist, you know? That show is — it’s like the Harvard Business School of comedy.

Ronny Chieng on “The Daily Show.”

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Question 3: How have your feelings about death changed over time?

Chieng: Oh, yeah. It’s become more real. It used to be this kind of conceptual abstract, right? And then it’s become very real the last couple of years, seeing it up close. It becoming more real was kind of frightening. I was studying Buddhism recently, and there was this very interesting concept that I’m going to butcher because I’m going to give you the Cliff Notes of it in, like, five seconds. But the idea was something like: we are a different person in every moment, anyway. Our thoughts are different. Our cellular makeup is different in every second, every moment. Meaning — we are different people in every second of every moment anyway. So, the concept of “me” doesn’t really exist because I’m constantly changing anyway.

And so when I die, it doesn’t matter because I never really existed. So that is kind of like the Buddhist answer — one of the Buddhist answers — to that.

Martin: I like that idea. Does that mean that when a person dies, you think that it’s just another transition, or are they gone?

Chieng: I think that, unfortunately, as a person observing someone dying, that person is gone. I’m just talking about me, personally — for me to come to terms with my own mortality. That’s how I view it anyway — that I never really existed. I’m different every moment, so if I go, that’s just another change, right? Dealing with other people, that’s tough. I think that requires a different concept.

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Jets Part Ways With Aaron Rodgers, Moving in 'Different Direction' at Quarterback

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Jets Part Ways With Aaron Rodgers, Moving in 'Different Direction' at Quarterback

Aaron Rodgers
Over And Out In Big Apple
… Jets Part Ways

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New board elects President Trump chair of Kennedy Center

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New board elects President Trump chair of Kennedy Center

Education Artist-In-Residence Mo Willems supervised a 2019 rehearsal at the Kennedy Center in Washington, DC.

Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images North America

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President Trump is the new chair of the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, following through on a promise the president made last week. He posted the following on the social media platform Truth Social on Wednesday afternoon.

“President Donald J. Trump was just unanimously elected Chairman of the Board of the prestigious Kennedy Center in Washington, D.C. The President stated, “It is a Great Honor to be Chairman of The Kennedy Center, especially with this amazing Board of Trustees. We will make The Kennedy Center a very special and exciting place!”

Trump was elected by a board that excluded the 18 Democratic appointees purged by the president last week. New board members, according to a statement from the Kennedy Center, include the Vice President’s wife, Usha Vance as well as Susie Wiles, Dan Scavino, Allison Lutnick, Lynda Lomangino, Mindy Levine, Pamela Gross, John Falconetti, Cheri Summerall, Sergio Gor, Emilia May Fanjul, Patricia Duggan and Dana Blumberg.

In a statement sent to NPR marking her departure, former Kennedy Center president Deborah Rutter said, in part:

“The goal of the Kennedy Center has been to live up to our namesake, serving as a beacon for the world and ensuring our work reflects America. I depart my position proud of all we accomplished to meet that ambition. From the art on our stages to the students we have impacted in classrooms across America, everything we have done at the Kennedy Center has been about uplifting the human spirit in service of strengthening the culture of our great nation.

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“I have been motivated my whole life by the fundamental values of America – freedom, equality, and a deep belief in the American dream. Core to our American experience is also artistic expression. Artists showcase the range of life’s emotions – the loftiest heights of joy and the depths of grievous despair. They hold a mirror up to the world – reflecting who we are and echoing our stories. The work of artists doesn’t always make us feel comfortable, but it sheds light on the truth.

“Much like our democracy itself, artistic expression must be nurtured, fostered, prioritized, and protected. It is not a passive endeavor; indeed, there is no clearer sign of American democracy at work than our artists, the work they produce, and audiences’ unalienable right to actively participate.”

Trump has boasted about never attending a performance at the country’s national cultural center. He skipped the Kennedy Center Honors in 2018, traditionally attended by sitting presidents. A few of that year’s honorees had vocally criticized his leadership and politics, including the singer Cher and theater artist Lin-Manuel Miranda.

On Monday, a longtime ally, Richard Grenell, was named interim executive director. 

For more than a decade, the Kennedy Center’s board was led by philanthropist David M. Rubenstein, who had deferred retirement until next year and told the New York Times that he believed he was on friendly terms with the president. Until recently, the 36-member board was notably bipartisan, with members split equally between Republicans and Democrats. Several had been appointed by President Biden shortly before he stepped down; they included former White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre and his longtime aide and advisor, Mike Donilon.

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Board members are appointed to six-year terms, and typically, those terms are fulfilled. The Kennedy Center’s leadership addressed the legality of Trump’s actions in a statement on Friday.

“Per the Center’s governance established by Congress in 1958, the chair of the board of trustees is appointed by the center’s board members,” it said. “There is nothing in the center’s statute that would prevent a new administration from replacing board members; however, this would be the first time such action has been taken with the Kennedy Center’s board.”

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