Lifestyle
L.A. Affairs: 40 and freshly sober, I wanted to experience love. But was she the one?
I was a worrier. An overthinker. A planner. But plans don’t always work out. So I shut my eyes and pointed at a map of Los Angeles. I lifted my finger to reveal Mt. Wilson, a 5,710-foot peak in the Angeles National Forest northeast of the city and home to a 120-year-old astronomical observatory. I had never heard of this place — I was a newcomer to L.A. — nor did I know it would later become an important destination for three future girlfriends. One used to work in the observatory cafe, one’s past boyfriend died in a motorbike accident on those perilous winding roads, and I helped one face her fear of heights on a ledge overlooking the vast canyon below.
I had hoped to celebrate my birthday over Taix’s steak frites au poivre with my fiancée. Instead, after a final breakup just three days before, I was spending it alone. Our apartment was once a theater of hopes and dreams, full of life and laughter. It had become a derelict shell, heartbreak echoing round its deserted stage.
But Mt. Wilson’s elevated white domes invited solitude and reflection, a halfway house between city and stars to help put one’s problems in perspective. It became my place of silent refuge, like it was for thousands of others who climbed its winding face year-round.
My ex and I met three weeks after I moved from Ireland to L.A. I went to Echo Park Lake to watch a Shakespeare in the Park reading performed by my new roommate’s acting class but ended up taking part. I amused them by wearing a flower crown and pitching my voice high to play Puck, a mischievous sprite. I amused her most of all.
Soon after I pulled off the 2 Freeway, the fog-tipped peaks of the Angeles National Forest opened up before me. Sunlight sparkled on the hood of my silver Mustang as I swung around perilous switchbacks and climbed ever higher. The rich scent of pine trees brought me back to a snow-covered log cabin we shared in Lake Arrowhead. Back to the chilly bliss of a white Christmas kiss. It would be some time before I learned to stop looking back with anger and regret, but right now the hairpin turns teetering over a hundred-foot ravine forced me to look straight ahead.
The observatory’s outdoor cafe peered over canyons draped in thick fog. That spring Monday morning, there was no one else around. In searching for adventure, I had driven myself into further isolation. I munched on my sandwich and watched the fog roll in. Flapping wings broke the silence. Hummingbirds hovered around a feeder above me. I wouldn’t eat my birthday lunch alone after all.
The drifting fog took me back to her birthday when I rented a cabin on Big Sur’s towering cliffs. By night we gazed at the stars above through the bathhouse’s glass roof and by day we stood on the cliff edge and peered down at the clouds below. I wrote a story for her about that trip called “Above the Clouds.” That’s how I felt being with her. It was where I asked her to move in with me. A few weeks later, we moved into an apartment a few blocks from the park where we first met.
The dense fog turned me off exploring the miles of trails that cut the mountainside. So I explored the observatory museum instead. In 1904, founder George Ellery Hale’s team used dozens of mules to haul the observatory’s construction material and equipment 5,710 feet up winding dirt tracks. Later astronomer Edward Hubble made discoveries here that led to the Big Bang theory. Wild imaginations discover wild things.
She had the wildest imagination I had ever encountered. Her tough upbringing had forced her to escape into play and imagination to survive. For most of my life I exhaustively planned before taking informed action. But age 40 and freshly sober, I took a leap of faith by moving to L.A. without a visa, job or place to live. In that spirit I met her and dived headfirst into the wildest adventure of my life.
She encouraged me to step outside my comfort zone. She had unswerving confidence in me, and when I got stuck in a self-doubt spiral, she’d remind me of all I had overcome before and gently reassure me.
“You’ll figure it out, my most handsome.”
At times her emotional ups and downs overwhelmed me, but soon I couldn’t imagine a life without her.
In this spirit I vowed that fog and wild creatures be damned. I’d explore those mountain trails come what may. As I wound down through the trees, their leaves lulled into sleep by the creeping fog, I imagined the hordes of snakes and mountain lions and bears lurking just beyond my view. There were corrugated aluminum shoots down the mountainside to channel water, and I joked that they were water slides for predators to let off steam between kills. But I descended deeper into the fog and let the unknown guide me.
The end for us had been coming for some time. But the final goodbye was fresh, still a baby only 3 days old. The full force of losing her would hit me in time. But today was my day. And it had led me into a blinding fog.
I had been making as much noise as possible to alert any slumbering wild creatures, but when I reached some fallen trees that blocked the trail, I laid down, closed my eyes and listened. I breathed in the crisp, damp air. I gave myself the freedom to release the dream I had of spending my life with her. Instead I spent my birthday with the birds and the trees. And I let go.
On what could have been the loneliest birthday of my life, I instead found a place of refuge to rediscover my purpose and strength. And just like Hale and Hubble before me, if I kept faith in my vision, I trusted I’d someday uncover more new worlds I could never have dreamed of. From a pit of despair, I climbed a mountain and found hope above a sea of fog.
The author is a freelance writer for screen projects, publications and brands. He’s an Irishman living in Echo Park. He’s on Instagram: @kevin_lavelle_origins_copy
L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here.
Mara is a single mother of two in Minnesota. She and her family have depended on SNAP benefits to make ends meet.
Caroline Yang for NPR
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Caroline Yang for NPR
Although Mara is unemployed, she is busier than ever.
When she is not taking care of her two children, Mara is at her desk applying for jobs. She is surveying her belongings to see what she can pawn off to buy toiletries. Or she is sifting through bills, calculating which ones can wait and which need to be paid right away.
Soon, Mara, a single mom in Minnesota, may have another task on her busy schedule: figuring out how to afford food for her and her family.
That’s because of new work requirements for people receiving aid from the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, also known as SNAP or food stamps.
“It would be so beyond hard” to lose SNAP benefits, Mara said. “Without SNAP, there’s no funds for food.” Mara asked for her last name to be withheld given the stigma tied to receiving government assistance. She is also worried that speaking publicly will affect her chances of getting a job.
Previously, SNAP recipients with children under 18 were exempt from work requirements mandating that recipients work, volunteer or participate in job training at least 80 hours a month. But now, under President Trump’s One Big Beautiful Bill Act, that exemption only applies to those with children under 14 — which is how old Mara’s youngest child turned in December.
“It would be so beyond hard” to lose SNAP benefits, Mara said.
Caroline Yang for NPR
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Caroline Yang for NPR
The Trump administration has argued that the mission of the nation’s largest anti-hunger program has failed.
“SNAP was intended to be temporary help for those who encounter tough times. Now, it’s become so bloated that it is leaving fewer resources for those who truly need help,” the White House said in a statement in June.
But policy experts say the SNAP changes do not fully take into account the unique challenges faced by single parents like Mara or the sluggish job market in many parts of the country. They argue that losing food assistance will only create more barriers for recipients struggling to find work.
The timeline for implementing the new SNAP policy varies based on state and county. In Mara’s home state of Minnesota, recipients who don’t qualify for an exemption or meet work requirements will be at risk of losing assistance as early as April 1. Others may have more months depending on when they next need to certify they are eligible for benefits.
Over 100 job applications
Mara imagined she would have a job by now.
It was August when she was let go from her part-time administrative assistant role due to her workplace restructuring. Since then, Mara estimates that she has applied for over 100 positions. She has also attended job fairs and taken free workshops on resume writing.
She has been working since high school, she said, but “ I’ve never been out of work for more than one month, so it’s very difficult.”
Mara spends time working at the computer at CareerForce, a resource for job seekers in Minnesota, on March 4.
Caroline Yang for NPR
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Caroline Yang for NPR
Although she misses her old job, Mara said it didn’t pay enough to support her and her kids, so she relied on SNAP benefits.
Many recipients are part of the low-wage labor market, where job security is often unpredictable and turnover tends to be high, according to Lauren Bauer, a researcher at the Brookings Institution who has studied SNAP extensively.
“SNAP is supposed to be there to help people smooth that and not let the bottom fall out when they experience job loss,” she said. “And this policy doesn’t account for that at all.”
Mara’s lowest point came in November when the government shutdown led to disruptions in SNAP benefits. Not only was she searching for a new job, but she was constantly figuring out where to get her family’s next meal.
“I might be looking for food stuff during the day when I should have been looking for a job,” she said. “Then, I’m trying to make up that time in the evening after my kids go to bed.”
During the pause, Mara turned to food banks, which revealed other challenges. First, food pantries do not always provide enough for an adult and two growing teenagers, she said. Second, they often lack gluten-free foods, which is essential for her daughter who has celiac disease, an autoimmune disorder that causes digestive problems if gluten is consumed. Gluten-free products tend to be more expensive.
If Mara loses access to SNAP again because of the new work requirements, she fears another stretch of long days spent looking for the right food and enough to feed her family.
“I would be so reliant on looking for food shelves or food banks,” she said. “There would not be time to even live.”
“We’re going to see increases in poverty. We’re going to see increases in food insecurity”
The Congressional Budget Office estimates that roughly 2.4 million people will lose food benefits in a typical month over the next decade as a result of the new SNAP requirements — including 300,000 parents like Mara with children 14 or older.
Gina Plata-Nino, the SNAP director at the nonprofit Food Research & Action Center, says many of the affected recipients will be single mothers who make up a majority of single parent households in the U.S. She added that the changes target a group that often lacks or struggles to afford a support system to help care for their children.
“How can they have a full-time job when they need to pick up their children [for] various activities?” she said. “And they are working — just not enough hours because they need to be there present for their children.”
Mara shops for groceries at a local discount grocery store.
Caroline Yang for NPR
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Caroline Yang for NPR
The new law also imposes work requirements on veterans, homeless people, young adults aging out of foster care, and able-bodied adults without dependents from ages 55 to 64.
It also toughened the criteria for waiving work requirements for recipients in areas with high unemployment. Previously, there were multiple ways to determine a weak labor market and secure a waiver. Now, it only applies to places with an unemployment rate above 10%. (Alaska and Hawaii have a different measure.)
For those who fail to meet the work requirement, SNAP provides assistance for up to three months within a three-year span. But Bauer from the Brookings Institution argues that it is not enough and the impact of SNAP changes will be widespread.
“We’re going to see increases in poverty. We’re going to see increases in food insecurity. We’re going to see increasing strain on the charitable food sector,” she said.
Mara holds her favorite anchor ring, which carries the inscription, “God for me provide thee.”
Caroline Yang for NPR
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Caroline Yang for NPR
As anxiety hangs over her head, Mara tries to put on a brave face for her children. She does not want them to worry, explaining that her recent struggles have reminded her how tough life can get as an adult.
“I remind them it’s not their responsibility and they’re not accountable for me or for what’s happening,” she said. “I say, just know you get to be a kid.”
Dylan Dreyer
Savannah Will Likely Come Back … Just Not Sure When
Published
TMZ.com
Dylan Dreyer is giving a small update on her embattled “Today” co-host, Savannah Guthrie, as the search continues for Savannah’s mom, Nancy — telling TMZ she does believe she’ll likely return to the show at some point.
We caught Dylan leaving NBC Tuesday afternoon, and she said while she thinks Savannah will come back, the timing is totally unclear — adding everyone at the show is simply giving her the space she needs because they care about her so much.
TMZ.com
Dylan also reflected on Savannah’s emotional visit to the “TODAY” studio last Thursday, saying the hug they shared was something they both really needed in that moment.
Catch the full clip — Dylan says the visit was incredibly emotional, adding Savannah clearly wants to get back to some sense of normal life … she just doesn’t quite know how yet.
Still, Savannah managed a few smiles during the brief stop by the studio, doing her best to keep moving forward during an incredibly tough time.
TMZ.com
As we reported, Nancy was taken from her Tucson home in the middle of the night on February 1. She was last seen entering the house just before 10 PM on January 31 after dinner with her daughter Annie and Annie’s husband, Tommaso Cioni.
Kevin Kline plays actor Richard Bean, and Laura Linney is his sister-in-law Kristen, in American Classic.
David Giesbrecht/MGM+
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David Giesbrecht/MGM+
American Classic is a hidden gem, in more ways than one. It’s hidden because it’s on MGM+, a stand-alone streaming service that, let’s face it, most people don’t have. But MGM+ is available without subscription for a seven-day free trial, on its website or through Prime Video and Roku. And you should find and watch American Classic, because it’s an absolutely charming and wonderful TV jewel.
Charming, in the way it brings small towns and ordinary people to life, as in Northern Exposure. Wonderful, in the way it reflects the joys of local theater productions, as in Slings & Arrows, and the American Playhouse production of Kurt Vonnegut’s Who Am I This Time?
The creators of American Classic are Michael Hoffman and Bob Martin. Martin co-wrote and co-created Slings & Arrows, so that comparison comes easily. And back in the early 1980s, Who Am I This Time? was about people who transformed onstage from ordinary citizens into extraordinary performers. It’s a conceit that works only if you have brilliant actors to bring it to life convincingly. That American Playhouse production had two young actors — Christopher Walken and Susan Sarandon — so yes, it worked. And American Classic, with its mix of veteran and young actors, does, too.
American Classic begins with Kevin Kline, as Shakespearean actor Richard Bean, confronting a New York Times drama critic about his negative opening-night review of Richard’s King Lear. The next day, Richard’s agent, played by Tony Shalhoub, calls Richard in to tell him his tantrum was captured by cellphone and went viral, and that he has to lay low for a while.
Richard returns home to the small town of Millersburg, Pa., where his parents ran a local theater. Almost everyone we meet is a treasure. His father, who has bouts of dementia, is played by Len Cariou, who starred on Broadway in Sweeney Todd. Richard’s brother, Jon, is played by Jon Tenney of The Closer, and his wife, Kristen, is played by the great Laura Linney, from Ozark and John Adams.
Things get even more complicated because the old theater is now a dinner theater, filling its schedule with performances by touring regional companies. Its survival is at risk, so Richard decides to save the theater by mounting a new production of Thornton Wilder’s Our Town, casting the local small-town residents to play … local small-town residents.
Miranda, Richard’s college-bound niece, continues the family theatrical tradition — and Nell Verlaque, the young actress who plays her, has a breakout role here. She’s terrific — funny, touching, totally natural. And when she takes the stage as Emily in Our Town, she’s heart-wrenching. Playwright Wilder is served magnificently here — and so is William Shakespeare, whose works and words Kline tackles in more than one inspirational scene in this series.
I don’t want to reveal too much about the conflicts, and surprises, in American Classic, but please trust me: The more episodes you watch, the better it gets. The characters evolve, and go in unexpected directions and pairings. Kline’s Richard starts out thinking about only himself, but ends up just the opposite. And if, as Shakespeare wrote, the play’s the thing, the thing here is, the plays we see, and the soliloquies we hear, are spellbinding.
And there’s plenty of fun to be had outside the classics in American Classic. The table reads are the most delightful since the ones in Only Murders in the Building. The dinner-table arguments are the most explosive since the ones in The Bear. Some scenes are take-your-breath-away dramatic. Others are infectiously silly, as when Richard works with a cast member forced upon him by the angel of this new Our Town production.
Take the effort to find, and watch, American Classic. It’ll remind you why, when it’s this good, it’s easy to love the theater. And television.
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