Lifestyle
Evacuated? Hosting someone who is? Try these 9 tips for harmonious communal living
Togetherness can be a mixed blessing.
As the Palisades fire raged, every member of the Cullen family — deeply rooted in Pacific Palisades since the 1960s — found themselves displaced. 10 family members from multiple households there were forced to flee the homes they owned as the inferno swallowed up their neighborhoods.
Six of the close-knit group crowded into a Venice rental, along with their six cats, to figure out next steps. The apartment had three bedrooms, so everyone had a place to sleep, but it was still extremely challenging, says John Cullen, a 32-year-old software engineer. He and his partner, 27-year-old Weinkei Li, a medical assistant, suddenly found themselves living with John’s parents, both in their 70s, as well as his younger sister and her fiancee. The six cats who had come from three different homes had to be kept separately so as to avoid fights. One even briefly escaped before being found in a neighboring yard.
“There was definitely a lot to keep track of and that creates a chaotic environment — more stressors are introduced at a time that’s already so difficult and stressful,” John says. “We were all in so much shock. We were all dealing with grief in different ways and by the end of the week, we were definitely getting testy with each other. Though we were also trying our best to help each other out.”
The Cullens have since found separate places to live. But thousands of people, displaced by the wildfires, are finding themselves in communal living situations, of myriad configurations, by necessity. That might be with friends or relatives who have lent spare bedrooms or couches; it might be short-term apartment rentals with ad hoc roommates or multiple family members in a shared hotel suite. For many, the duration of these temporary living arrangements is uncertain.
“It’s an environment of intense overwhelm and nerves frayed to the edges.”
— Dr. Supatra Tovar, clinical psychologist
Communal living is challenging even in the best of times, says Dr. Supatra Tovar, a clinical psychologist and co-chair of the Los Angeles County Psychological Assn.’s Disaster Response Committee. But post-disaster, with evacuees suffering from recent trauma while also facing great uncertainty about the future, it’s especially trying for everyone involved.
“It’s an environment of intense overwhelm and nerves frayed to the edges,” Tovar says. “There’s overcrowding and privacy issues, emotional strain, managing different household norms and routines, navigating through financial pressures and, for evacuees, dealing with a feeling of lack of autonomy, which can be disempowering for them and uncomfortable for the hosts.”
Those challenges can produce complex, conflicting emotions that can be hard to understand. Evacuees may feel incredibly grateful for their hosts’ support while at the same time feeling resentful of their more stable living circumstances. Hosts may genuinely want to help and simultaneously become exhausted by their guests and the enormity of the situation. Both parties, even amid true affection for each other, may get on one another’s nerves, which is normal in any communal living situation, but especially so post-disaster.
“Emotional regulation is the most important thing you can practice,” Tovar says. “Know you will be on a roller coaster of emotions — anything is OK to feel at this time. Allow yourself to feel everything, move through it. Then see if you can find another way to think about things. Remember: you’re not your normal self right now.”
But accepting support during dire times — when society so often promotes self-sufficiency — is critical, adds Julie Cederbaum, a USC social work professor who specializes in families and trauma.
“Allowing yourself to be supported and uplifted by the people around you is critical to creating a sense of safety and healing,” she says.
Being together can even be healing. Finding ways to enjoy one another’s company — sharing conversation and laughter — can help remind you of the bond that brought you all together in the first place.
“We are inherently social creatures. Especially in times of crisis,” Tovar says. “Cultivating a sense of gratitude for being with your family and friends during this difficult time can go a long way towards navigating the stress and healing from this disaster.”
Here’s some advice for mitigating the stresses of post-fire communal living for both evacuees and those hosting them.
For everyone
1. Communicate your needs clearly from the start
Have a house meeting early on. Openly discuss needs and expectations. If your children have special needs, discuss that. If you bring pets, talk about managing their care. Get into the minutiae: what times do you typically wake up and go to bed? When do you eat meals? How can you merge these timelines or navigate them? Talk about how you plan to divvy up expenses such as groceries and utilities.
“If not addressed, it can lead to stress or resentments,” Tovar says. “Evacuees may have to adjust their routines, hosts may have to relax their rules. That first meeting is everything.”
2. Create personal spaces and manage clutter
Even if your living space is small, you can designate certain areas — a corner of the room or a patio — for individuals or families to have their own spaces. You can also set up privacy curtains, even if it’s just taping a sheet to wall. If the living space is small, manage clutter — keep things you don’t need every day, like extra clothing, books or suitcases, in your car or in hotel storage. If you have the ability, get foldable furniture and remove bedding during the day to ensure walkways are clear.
“Carving out personal space promotes a sense of agency,” Tovar says, “and provides you refuge if you need to get away from the crowd.”
3. Establish routines and cleanliness expectations
Create a schedule for when you’ll be using shared spaces, like the kitchen and bathroom, in order to prevent conflicts. Maybe that’s a rotation in the kitchen. Or using a timer with limits on how long each person’s shower should be.
“It’s a point of contention in any household: how long is the shower?,” Tovar says. “Discuss the needs of the household; use shared spaces equally.’”
If there are children in the home, adds Cederbaum, they do best with routines.“If multiple families are living together, create joint routines to support your children or merge existing ones,” she says, “so kids can transition in this new environment at a time when everything in their lives has been destabilized.”
“Allowing yourself to be supported and uplifted by the people around you is critical to creating a sense of safety and healing.”
— Julie Cederbaum, USC social work professor
For evacuees
4. Respect house rules
However you can merge with the household you’re in, within reason, will go a long way toward minimizing arguments and misunderstandings. Try to adapt to the household norms and routines. If the hosts have quiet hours, try to honor that even if it’s different from your usual lifestyle. If you feel the need to alter your living space, like rearranging furniture, ask permission.
“Any time you’re a guest, you feel like you’re tiptoeing a little,” Tovar says. “But remember: this space wouldn’t be offered to you if this person didn’t care about you and want you to be safe. So you may not need to tiptoe as much as a normal situation, because there’s a lot of grace. But also being considerate of your host can go a very long way to creating a peaceful environment.”
5. Contribute
Even though you may be quite busy filling out paperwork or replacing your belongings, contributing to the household, even in small ways, will go a long way. Offer to help with chores or groceries; cook breakfast or walk the dog. These tasks can help ease the burden on the hosts and return a sense of normalcy for evacuees.
“Talk to your hosts about incorporating routines from your own life so as to create a sense of normalcy for you,” Cederbaum says. “In a situation like this, where everything feels out of control — and you’re in someone else’s house — having a routine gives you a sense of order and control that reduces stress and anxiety.”
6. Seek external support
Taking advantage of the many resources available right now, like pro bono therapists, housing assistance — or just friends — is vital. Seeking external support can help you start to navigate your path toward more permanent housing and recover from the emotional loss.
“Some of us internalize things — we keep our feelings inside and don’t talk about it,” Cederbaum says. “Some externalize it — we talk about it all the time. If people offer help or a lending ear, you’re not burdening them by talking about your stress and worries and sadness. Taking opportunities to express how you feel is beneficial to your overall well-being.”
For hosts
7. Set boundaries early on
Be upfront about your expectations regarding shared spaces, chores and expenses. Establish a preliminary length of stay that you revisit toward the end of that time period so that it’s not open-ended. You may think you’re hosting someone for a week and it could turn into months, Tovar warns. Establish how much you can provide in terms of time and space and find out whether that aligns with your guest’s needs — and then revisit that later.
“Providing somebody a safe place after disaster is about the biggest donation you can give that person,” Tovar says. “You are doing so much for them and they’re so grateful to have this space to regroup. You shouldn’t feel like it’s an open-ended invitation for months and years. You also have to take care of your own life and routine and coming to a mutually agreed upon time to terminate the stay helps both people move forward and reclaim their lives.”
8. Practice empathy
It’s important to remember that your guests have just experienced an unimaginable loss. And while it’s important to maintain boundaries, offering emotional support by listening can help foster a more harmonious living situation. Avoid saying things that are aggressively positive like: “Perhaps this was for the best” or “Maybe this is God’s plan.” “Listening is the most important thing you can do rather than offering advice,” Tovar says.
“Recognize that even when discussions happen and routines are set up people may make mistakes and those conversations may have to happen again,” Cederbaum adds. “Be patient. It takes a minute for people to integrate and be focused, especially when their brain is overloaded.”
9. Encourage open dialogue
Consider a weekly house meeting and check in with your guests about issues like noise levels and taking time in the bathroom, rather than letting things simmer. Have an open dialogue that isn’t about finger-pointing but about finding solutions.
“Say: ‘Some people are not feeling like they have equal time in the shower. What can we do to solve this problem?’ And then open it up for everyone to discuss,” Tovar says. “Rather than saying ‘Hey, Fred, you took too long in the shower.’”
Also check in with your guests to find out what their progress is in terms of finding permanent housing. Understanding where they’re at and working with them to find the next space may also help you free up your space.
“Recognize that communication styles may differ and be adaptable,” Cederbaum says. “Remind them: We’re in this together.”
Lifestyle
Sunday Puzzle: P-A-R-T-Y words and names
On-air challenge
Today I’ve brought a game of ‘Categories’ based on the word “party.” For each category I give, you tell me something in it starting with each of the letters, P-A-R-T-Y. For example, if the category were “Four-Letter Boys’ Names” you might say Paul, Adam, Ross, Tony, and Yuri. Any answer that works is OK, and you can give answers in any order.
1. Colors
2. Major League Baseball Teams
3. Foreign Rivers
4. Foods for a Thanksgiving Meal
Last week’s challenge
I was at a library. On the shelf was a volume whose spine said “OUT TO SEA.” When I opened the volume, I found the contents has nothing to do with sailing or the sea in any sense. It wasn’t a book of fiction either. What was in the volume?
Challenge answer
It was a volume of an encyclopedia with entries from OUT- to SEA-.
Winner
Mark Karp of Marlboro Township, N.J.
This week’s challenge
This week’s challenge comes from Joseph Young, of St. Cloud, Minn. Think of a two-syllable word in four letters. Add two letters in front and one letter behind to make a one-syllable word in seven letters. What words are these?
If you know the answer to the challenge, submit it below by Wednesday, December 31 at 3 p.m. ET. Listeners whose answers are selected win a chance to play the on-air puzzle.
Lifestyle
L.A. Affairs: We were just newlyweds when an emergency room visit tested our vows
“I’m his wife,” I said to the on-call doctor, asserting my place in the cramped exam room. It was a label I’d only recently acquired. A year ago, it had seemed silly to obtain government proof of what we’d known to be true for six years: We were life partners. Now I was so grateful we signed that piece of paper.
Earlier that morning, I’d driven my husband to an ER in Torrance for what we’d assumed was a nasty flu or its annoying bacterial equivalent. We’d imagined a round of industrial-grade antibiotics, and then heading home in time for our 3-year-old’s usual bath-time routine.
But the doctor’s face was serious. Machines beeped and whirred as my husband laid on the hospital bed. Whatever supernatural power colloquially known as a “gut feeling” flat-lined in my stomach.
“It’s leukemia,” she said, putting a clinical end to what had been our honeymoon period.
Only six months earlier, a female Elvis impersonator had declared us husband and wife. A burlesque dancer pressed her cleavage into both of our faces as our friends cheered and threw dollar bills. A wedding in Vegas was my idea.
After two years of dating Marty, a cute roller hockey player with an unwavering moral compass, I knew I wanted to have a child with him. It was marriage, not commitment, that unnerved me. I wanted romance, freedom and to do things my way. The word “wife” induced an allergic reaction.
As Marty and I became parents and navigated adulthood together, my resistance to matrimony started to feel like an outdated quirk. The emotional equivalent of a person still rocking a septum piercing long after they stopped listening to punk music.
Marty had shown me, over and over, what it was to be a teammate. He’d rubbed my back through hours of labor, made late-night runs for infant Tylenol and was never afraid to cry at the sad parts of movies or take the occasional harsh piece of feedback about his communication style. And like all good teams, we kicked ass together. So why was I still resisting something that meant so much to him? To our family?
One random Saturday, at the Hawthorne In-N-Out Burger, after Marty ordered fries as a treat for our son, I finally said, “Screw it. Let’s get married.”
The wedding day was raucous and covered in glitter. We both wore white. Our son’s jacket had a roaring tiger stitched onto the back and was layered over his toddler-size tuxedo T-shirt. Loved ones from all over the country flew to meet us in a tiny pink chapel. A neon heart buzzed over our heads as we vowed to “love each other in sickness and in health, till death do us part.”
I couldn’t have imagined then that the next chapel I’d be in would be the hospital prayer room. Or that I would have begged a God I struggle to believe in to please spare Marty’s life.
Unlike our decision to marry, acute leukemia came on suddenly. Over the course of a few weeks, Marty’s bone marrow had flooded his blood with malignant cells. Treatment was urgent. He was taken by ambulance from the ER to the City of Hope hospital in Duarte, a part of Los Angeles County we’d never had a reason to visit before.
Traditionally the 50th wedding anniversary is celebrated with gold, the 25th with silver and the first with paper. But we couldn’t even afford to look paper-far-ahead anymore. Instead, we celebrated that the specific genetic modifiers of Marty’s cancer were treatable, the good chemo days and his being able to walk to the hospital lobby to see our son for the first time in weeks.
Leukemia has taught me things such as: how to inject antifungal medication into the open PICC (peripherally inserted central catheter) line in Marty’s veins, how to explain to our son that “Papa will be sleeping with the doctors for a long while so they can help him feel better” and that to do the hibbity-dibbity with a person going through chemo, you must wear a condom. But mostly my husband’s sickness has taught me about healthy love.
When we had a child together, we’d committed to being in each other’s lives forever. But marriage was different. We’d already made a promise to our son, but when we got married, we made one to each other and ourselves. We had gone all in.
Since his diagnosis two months ago, there have been so many ways we’ve shown love for each other. People assume that I would do all the caregiving, but it’s more than that. Yes, I’ve washed my husband’s feet when he couldn’t bend down, been the only parent at preschool dropoff and pickup, and advocated on Marty’s behalf to his health insurance with only a few choice expletives.
But my husband has also taken care of me. Even when he was nauseous, sweating and fatigued, Marty showed up. He made me laugh with macabre jokes about how the only way for us to watch anything other than “PAW Patrol” on TV together was for him to get hospitalized. He insisted that I make time to rest and bring him the car owner’s manual, so he could figure out why the check engine light had come on.
We’d promised in front of our closest friends and Elvis herself to love each other “for better or worse.” And when the worst arrived sooner than expected, we did more than love. We truly cared for each other as husband and wife.
The author is a writer whose short stories have been nominated for the PEN/Robert J. Dau Short Story Prize for Emerging Writers and Best of the Net. She is working on a novel and lives in Redondo Beach with her husband and son. She’s on Instagram: @RachelReallyChapman.
L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here.
Lifestyle
This painting is missing. Do you have it?
The missing 1916 painting Music, by Gabriele Münter. Its whereabouts have been unknown to the public since 1977. Oil on canvas. (Private collection. © 2025 Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York/VG Bild-Kunst, Bonn)
The Guggenheim, New York
hide caption
toggle caption
The Guggenheim, New York
This is a story about a missing painting, from an artist you may never have heard of. Though she helped shape European modern art, German artist Gabriele Münter’s work was quickly overshadowed in the public’s mind by her 12-year relationship with noted abstract artist Wassily Kandinsky.
She met Kandinsky in Munich in 1902, and with his tutoring, she “mastered color as well as the line,” she told a German public broadcaster in 1957. Together with other artists, they founded an avant-garde arts collective called Der Blaue Reiter (The Blue Rider) in 1911.
Wassily Kandinsky’s Painting With White Border (Bild mit weißem Rand), 1913. Oil on canvas, Guggenheim Museum, New York City.
Allison Chipak/The Guggenheim, New York
hide caption
toggle caption
Allison Chipak/The Guggenheim, New York
At the time, most modern artists, like Kandinsky, were moving toward more and more abstract work. Not Münter. In her paintings, people look like people and flowers look like flowers. But her dazzling colors, simplified forms and dramatic scenes are startlingly fresh; her domestic scenes are so immediate that they feel like you’ve interrupted a crucial, private moment.
“Gabriele Münter was so pioneering, so adventurous in her adherence to life,” said Megan Fontanella, curator of modern art and provenance at the Guggenheim Museum in New York City. “She is revitalizing the still life, the landscape, the portrait genres, and presenting them in these really fresh and dynamic ways.”
Yet, perhaps due to her relationship with Kandinsky, her work was rarely collected by important museums after her death in 1962 (she herself said she was seen as “an unnecessary side dish” to him), and so her paintings largely disappeared from the public eye.
Now Münter is having a moment, with exhibitions this year in Madrid and Paris, as well as one currently at the Guggenheim in New York. The New York show is an expansive one and includes American street photography in the late 1890s, alongside over 50 paintings, from her dazzlingly colored European landscapes to portraits capturing the expressive faces of people she knew.
Gabriele Münter’s Self-Portrait in Front of an Easel (Selbstbildnis vor der Staffelei), circa 1908-1909. Oil on canvas. (© 2025 Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York/VG Bild-Kunst, Bonn)
Bruce M. White/Princeton University Art Museum/Art Resource, N.Y.
hide caption
toggle caption
Bruce M. White/Princeton University Art Museum/Art Resource, N.Y.
Yet, when Fontanella was putting “Gabriele Münter: Contours of a World” together, there was one painting she couldn’t find: Music, from 1916.
In it, a violinist is playing in the center of a yellow room, with two people quietly listening. It’s set in a living room — but because it uses her wild colors and flattened figures, it feels vibrant and dramatic, not cozy or saccharine.
Fontanella said this painting is important because it provides a window into Münter’s life after she separated from Kandinsky, who had gone on to marry someone else. She was struggling financially, and she was no longer the promising young person she once was. But Fontanella said the painting shows she had found a new creative circle.
“There’s something really uplifting about that. You know, it speaks to her resilience, her sense of adaptation,” Fontanella said. Instead of showing those years as dark and challenging, it is serene and warm, joyful. “I think that’s really important because especially with a woman artist, it’s so easy to get tripped up in her biography and really see it colored by her romantic relationships when, in fact, the paintings tell a different story.”
Fontanella said she used every tool available to her to find Music. She worked with Münter’s foundation and contacted owners of collections in Europe and the United States, from institutions to private collectors. She read correspondence and catalogs from past exhibitions.
Gabriele Münter’s From the Griesbräu Window (Vom Griesbräu Fenster), 1908. Painting on board. (© 2025 Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York/VG Bild-Kunst, Bonn)
Städtische Galerie im Lenbachhaus und Kunstbau München, on permanent loan from the Gabriele Münter and Johannes Eichner Foundation, Munich
hide caption
toggle caption
Städtische Galerie im Lenbachhaus und Kunstbau München, on permanent loan from the Gabriele Münter and Johannes Eichner Foundation, Munich
It’s not unusual for art to vanish from public view if it’s not held at an institution. Private collectors often want to keep their holdings quiet. If they don’t sell a particular work at an auction or lend it to a museum, only a very small number of people might know that it still exists and where it is.
Fontanella was able to trace Music to its last known owner — a German collector named Eugen Eisenmann, who had the painting in 1977.
“There was a moment where the collection was starting to be broken apart and dispersed and no longer being held by subsequent relatives or family members,” she said.
Then the trail ended.
Not the end of the story
But just because the painting hasn’t surfaced yet doesn’t mean it never will. Take the story of a piece called There are combustibles in every State, which a spark might set fire to. —Washington, 26 December 1786, depicting Shays’ Rebellion, one of 30 works in the Struggle series by artist Jacob Lawrence. A 2020 traveling exhibition organized by the Peabody Essex Museum in Salem, Mass., had brought the works together for the first time in 60 years.
Five of the paintings couldn’t be located, and the curators put placeholders where those paintings should have been: black-and-white photographs of the canvases if they existed, blank spaces if they didn’t.
“We didn’t have any image of it. There really was no trace,” said Sylvia Yount, the curator in charge of the American Wing at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. She co-curated the Met’s presentation of the exhibition with curator Randall Griffey. “We had decided to leave the missing panels as kind of an absence, to really underline the absence. There was a blank on the wall.”
And, then, the miracle.
A visitor to the exhibition went home, contacted a friend “and said, ‘I think you might have one of these missing panels,’” Yount explained.
The friend did. When Yount, Griffey and art conservator Isabelle Duvernois went to see the painting — which was just across Central Park from the Met in an apartment on the Upper West Side — “we walked in and immediately knew it was right,” Yount said.
Within about two weeks, it was hanging in the exhibition. Incredibly, not long later, a second panel was found. Because that one needed some conservation work and a new frame, it didn’t join the series at the Met, but it did become part of the show later as it traveled across the United States.
That kind of thing “doesn’t happen every day,” Yount said, laughing.
Could it happen again?
But Fontanella hopes that it could happen for Münter’s painting. She included a photograph of it in the catalog so that people would know what to look for.
“What I always hope with stories like this is that the painting will resurface in its own time, you know, when it wants to be discovered,” Fontanella said. “But there’s been so much genuine interest in Gabriele Münter as an artist, as a person, that I feel it’s only just on the horizon that this painting will come to light.”
“Gabriele Münter: Contours of a World” is on view at the Guggenheim in New York through April 2026.
Ciera Crawford edited this story for broadcast and digital. Chloee Weiner mixed the audio.
-
Entertainment3 days agoHow the Grinch went from a Yuletide bit player to a Christmas A-lister
-
Connecticut3 days agoSnow Accumulation Estimates Increase For CT: Here Are The County-By-County Projections
-
Entertainment4 days agoPat Finn, comedy actor known for roles in ‘The Middle’ and ‘Seinfeld,’ dies at 60
-
Milwaukee, WI5 days ago16 music and theater performances to see in Milwaukee in January 2026
-
World1 week agoPutin says Russia won’t launch new attacks on other countries ‘if you treat us with respect’
-
Indianapolis, IN1 day agoIndianapolis Colts playoffs: Updated elimination scenario, AFC standings, playoff picture for Week 17
-
Southeast2 days agoTwo attorneys vanish during Florida fishing trip as ‘heartbroken’ wife pleads for help finding them
-
World3 days agoSnoop Dogg, Lainey Wilson, Huntr/x and Andrea Bocelli Deliver Christmas-Themed Halftime Show for Netflix’s NFL Lions-Vikings Telecast