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Dear Life Kit: I'm ashamed that I still dream about my middle school crush

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Dear Life Kit: I'm ashamed that I still dream about my middle school crush

Having a crush can be all-consuming. How do you snap out of it? Sex educator Shan Boodram has advice.

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HAVE A QUESTION YOU WANT TO ASK DEAR LIFE KIT ANONYMOUSLY? SHARE IT HERE.

A portrait of sexologist Shan Boodram against an ochre backdrop

Shan Boodram is the host of the Audioboom podcast Lovers And Friends, which covers sex, relationships and attachment.

Shan Boodram


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Shan Boodram

Dear Life Kit

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is NPR’s advice column where we pose your most pressing questions to an expert. 

Need some really good advice? Look no further than Dear Life Kit. In each episode, we pose a few of your most pressing questions to an expert. Sex educator Shan Boodram, author of The Game of Desire, answers listener questions on crushes. These responses have been edited for length and clarity.

Dear Life Kit, I can’t stop thinking about my middle school crush. I’m now in my 20s and I haven’t seen this person since my family immigrated to the U.S. 10 years ago. I’m single, happy with my career and I’ve picked up new hobbies and friends. But just as soon as I think I moved on, I dream about him and all the feelings come back. I’m too ashamed to tell anyone, even my therapist. Help! — Can’t stop crushing

I have crushes from 10 years ago that still exist in my brain. Those dreams are interesting every once in a while. Can’t that be enough? If the answer is no and it is all torture and pain, why don’t you reach back out?

Listen to the podcast episode: Dear Life Kit: I can’t stop thinking about my crush

Root this in an ask that’s about your own development and progress, not about putting pressure on this to be something it can’t. You might say: “Hey, I’ve been working on myself. I’m single. I’m happy. I’m at a great place in my life. But I’m really trying to understand my past in order to move forward. I never understood what happened between us. Are you down to have a conversation?”

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A lot of time has passed, so you’re crushing on the perception of this person from 10 years ago that may not actually align with reality. There’s so much unknown about who that person is now, what this person is doing and what their priorities are. You have to collect a lot more information about this person. So reach out.

Dear Life Kit, I have a crush on a friend. I know it’s reciprocated. We’re often flirty. We communicate almost every day, and we’ve even hooked up a few times. The problem? He’s already in a relationship. Part of me wants to advocate for something more. The other part wants to get over him. Why would I want to be with someone who’s willing to cheat anyway? What should I do? — Friendly fire

Sister, you’re cheating. You are being dishonest and you’re conducting yourself in the kind of relationship dynamic that can severely damage everybody involved. I would put a hard stop to this.

I don’t think “once a cheater, always a cheater.” But you have, for some reason, allowed yourself to create backchannels where this behavior is acceptable. You have to seal those doors shut. If you devote yourself to that labor, you can have a healthy dynamic going forward.

Bonus question

Dear Life Kit, I started dating someone about a month ago who seems like a great match. He’s interesting, our values align and I find him attractive, but I’m having a visceral reaction to his messiness. His apartment is dusty, covered in cat hair and looks more like a recent college grad’s apartment than the home of someone decades into their career and entering their 40s. He also has bad table manners. I’ve had to ask him several times to please stop talking with his mouth full. 

I’ve tried to be polite and nonjudgmental, but now I’m feeling conflicted. Is this a sign of incompatibility? Do I ignore it? How do I bring this up in a kind way? — Love is messy

This is something that’s important to you. Essentially, you’re saying: “You’ve got to start working on this. And if you want to learn, then we’re compatible.”

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This digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, or sign up for our newsletter.

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'The Liquid Eye of a Moon' is a Nigerian coming-of-age story

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'The Liquid Eye of a Moon' is a Nigerian coming-of-age story

Uchenna Awoke’s debut novel The Liquid Eye of a Moon is, on the surface, 15-year-old Dimpka’s coming of age story in the rural Nigerian village of Oregwu. But Dimpka’s story is bigger than this — as it takes place within the specific context of what Awoke calls “human tabooing.”

The novel delves into life in an Igbo family that is considered “unclean” because they fall on the lowest rung of the traditional Igbo caste system. There are varying explanations or “justifications” for these harsh social divisions, including a specific type of ancestor worship. One practice is to dedicate a child to an ancestor, thereby “enslaving” the child to that forebear.

Dimpka’s devotion to his deceased aunt may reflect this spirituality. He is a dreamer, and his most important desire is to build a proper tomb for his aunt Okike, who died by drowning. Although his memory is hazy, Dimpka knows this aunt was extremely close to him. It is not until the end of the book that we learn the details of her death, disclosing why Dimpka may be so driven to give her a proper burial.

This novel also takes place against a history of horrific ethnic cleansing. To vastly oversimplify: The Nigerian government undertook a 1966 pogrom that killed thousands of Igbo people. The Igbos rose up to declare the independent republic of Biafra. The Biafran war for liberation, often called the Nigerian civil war, evoked headlines around the world. It ended in 1970 with the crushing defeat of the nascent Biafran republic. Accounts of the Biafran war have been memorialized in Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s searing novel, Half of a Yellow Sun, Chinua Achebe’s iconic book, There Was a Country, Louis Chude-Sokei’s terrific memoir, Floating in a Most Peculiar Way, and elsewhere.

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Awoke presumes the reader’s knowledge of this complex background. He declines to translate Igbo terms, sharpening his message that Igbo cultural and political history form the novel’s warp and weft.

Dimpka carries the weight of being the eldest son in his family. He narrates his story in the first person. His maturation is marked by increasing awareness of caste differences, and the grave disappointments and dangers they engender. His closest friend, Eke, cannot bring Dimpka to his home due to social divisions. But the boys’ friendship transcends these taboos, and they explore their village together and share adventures until fate intervenes.

Dimpka’s father fought for Biafran independence but remains in the lowest class, and, as such, is unfairly passed over to be village elder. Dimpka’s parents may have anticipated this injustice, but it wounds the family, especially Dimpka.

Dimpka experiences sharp divisions within his own family as well. His younger brother Machebe taunts him with his self-discipline and consequent generosity and success.

Their father follows a traditional Igbo religious practice that invokes punishing gods, including Ezenwanyi, a commanding queen. Awoke intersperses these ritual stories throughout the book, casting a shadow across Dimpka’s activities.

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By contrast, Dimpka’s mother is Pentecostal, and at pains to ensure her children’s Christian salvation.

How can Dimpka contain these divisions and move forward in his life? Throughout his teens and early 20s he tries multiple schemes to lift himself up in society and earn enough to build his aunt’s tomb and bring his family out of poverty. He proceeds as a hopeful innocent, while the reader fears for him. He follows paths that result in his being defrauded, shamed, and beaten down physically and emotionally. His struggles lead to a growing sense of frustration and pessimism. We come to understand that his choices are painfully constricted by the caste system into which he was born.

The moon in the title figures prominently in many scenes. When Dimpka finally succeeds in building his aunt’s tomb, he lies on it beside her, and looks “into the big liquid eye of a moon.” “Liquid” in the title brings to mind the fluidity of life and the lack of control humans have over their fate.

My reading of this novel would have been greatly enhanced by a clearer understanding of Igbo culture and history. Nevertheless, I enjoyed being immersed in Dimpka’s life, the tastes and smells of his mother’s cooking, the description of his fellow villagers, and his travels to Lagos and elsewhere to improve his lot. We feel the dust in the streets and engage in the activity at the local market. These setting and atmospherics help illustrate the suffering imposed on members of Dimpka’s caste.

Awoke’s writing is impressive; his metaphors are refreshing and vivid. Sentences like “Eke lights his crackling bush-fire laughter,” make Dimpka’s friend Eke come alive. Dimpka gives this specific description of his brother Machebe: “Imagine a tiger incarnate with a hard orange-brown stare.”

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The book ends on an affirmative, though abrupt, note, with insufficient lead up to its conclusion. If such an ending suggests a novelist new to his craft, the book itself suggests a writer of great promise. Dimpka’s meandering story carries a vital humanitarian message. I look forward to reading more of Uchenna Awoke’s work.

 

Martha Anne Toll is a D.C.-based writer and reviewer. Her debut novel, Three Muses, won the Petrichor Prize for Finely Crafted Fiction and was shortlisted for the Gotham Book Prize. Her second novel, Duet for One, is due out May 2025.

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Bindi blunder by US celebrity website mistaking Tasmania for Tanzania

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Bindi blunder by US celebrity website mistaking Tasmania for Tanzania

Tasmania has had many tourism slogans over the years from ‘Come down for air’ to ‘Go behind the scenery’, but perhaps it should consider ‘not to be confused with Tanzania’.

A major United States celebrity news publication has mistaken Australia’s island state for the East African country after the world-famous Irwin family visited Cradle Mountain, with Bindi Irwin posting images from her family’s trip on her Instagram, which has a following of 5.7 million people.

She made the trip to the Tasmanian national park with her husband Chandler, daughter Grace, brother Robert and mother Terri.

Some of the photos from the Irwin family holiday, which was not in Tanzania.(Instagram: Bindi Irwin)

Attracting global attention, it was picked up by People which touts itself as the number one source for the “most trustworthy celebrity news”.

It published a story about the trip, noting “Bindi was joined by her husband, daughter, mother and brother for the trip to the East African country”.

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People magazine web story about Bindi Irwin.

People’s headline about the Irwin family holiday, which was in Tasmania — not in Tanzania.(People magazine)

“On Saturday, June 22, the Australian TV personality, 25, shared a carousel of photos on Instagram from a family vacation in the East African country, tagging the resort where they stayed, Cradle Mountain Lodge, in the last photo.”

The People article was also posted to its 9.7 million followers on Facebook.

The wildlife loving family are dressed in puffer jackets in front of the iconic Dove Lake, and several social media followers aptly pointed out the current temperature in Tanzania was 29 degrees.

One person wrote “I once had a map of Australia that labelled Tasmania as Tanzania. A lot of people are mistaking the two and still getting paid”.

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Another asked: “Are they on top of Mt Kilimanjaro with a toddler?!?”

Celebrity reach

Those in the tourism business said the gaffe wasn’t all bad news for Tasmania.

Amy Hills from the Tourism Industry Council of Tasmania said it would still draw attention to Cradle Mountain as a destination.

“While it appears this an unfortunate mistake, as clearly Tasmania is a long way from Tanzania, in an odd way it gives us an ability to create even more buzz about our iconic Cradle Mountain,” Ms Hills said.

“When influencers like Bindi Irwin share snapshots of our island, especially while enjoying it with friends and family, it has great reach and potential impact.

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“Hopefully those reading the article will visit Bindi’s actual post and see those snow-capped mountains and the iconic cradle landscape, sparking them to investigate their own trip to Tassie, during the winter months.”

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Associate professor Anne Hardy from the University of Tasmania’s school of social sciences said influencers and celebrities had a huge impact on people’s interest in places.

“Millions and millions will see their post, so they have a massive impact,” she said.

She pointed to a summer visit to Cradle Mountain by actor Nicole Kidman.

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“What we can see is when you have an influencers in a particular area, when people go to that area because of the influencer, they often try and mimic what the influencer has done,” she said.

“It has a profound impact on where people go and what experiences they seek.”

Opportunity beckons

Dr Hardy said the Tanzania mix-up could be a problem if people were seeking out an experience they couldn’t find.

“From Tasmania’s perspective there’s a risk they’ll lose tourists to Tanzania, but I think most people are smart enough to work it out provided there’s not a Cradle Mountain over in Tanzania,” she said.

She said Tasmania and Tanzania could work together like a twin-city arrangement.

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“They could have a lost traveller agency if you’ve got travellers over in Tanzania seeking wombats?”

 A social media post promoting an article about Bindi Irwin's family holiday

People’s social media post about the Irwin family holiday, which was not in Tanzania, as has already been pointed out.(Supplied)

Dr Hardy said Tourism Tasmania could turn it into a new campaign.

“Tourism Tasmania is doing some really quirky and humorous marketing at the moment, so this story probably provides them with an opportunity,” she said.

The agency recently unveiled its ‘Odd Jobs campaign’ where it invites tourists to apply for positions to organise oysters and walk wombats.

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“Tourism Tasmania has become synonymous with super quirky marketing, so for me this provides them with another little opportunity and they can turn it around for the state,” she said.

“We’ve always been known as quirky and unusual and this just plays into our brand strength.”

Cradle Mountain in winter.

Cradle Mountain, not in Tanzania.(Deborah Hunter Photography)

Dr Hardy said in all seriousness, the Tasmanian tourism industry was having a more difficult time than usual, with this year’s Dark Mofo festival — a large drawcard in winter — scaled down.

“There hasn’t been as many visitors around, so any quirky, fun stories around the state from people like Bindi will help those operators who would really like more business at this time of the year,” she said.

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“The power of word of mouth and the power of an influencers is super important when people are making decisions on where to do.”

Tourists and sightseers at a coastal lookout.

Tourists take in the view of Wineglass Bay, also not in Tanzania.(Supplied: Tasmania Parks and Wildlife Service)

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Tasmania’s Deputy Premier Michael Ferguson said he was “sorry People magazine haven’t recently been to Tasmania like the Irwins have, we’re so pleased for their time here in our state”.

“I think People magazine might like to run a second column about how good it is here in Tassie, the best island on earth.”

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Mr Ferguson said he didn’t think it would be damaging for Tasmania’s brand.

“The interest is welcome in the sense that we get the same kind of questions from our friends in America who occasionally think the Tasmanian Devil is from a little island off Africa and it only stimulates conversation and makes people look into the truth of the matter and fall in love with our state.”

Not the first time

Confusion about Tasmania and Tanzania seems common place, and the state’s entry in online encyclopedia Wikipedia is quick to clear up the state is ‘not to be confused with Tanzania’.

Posted , updated 

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The Olsen Twins Go to the Beach

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The Olsen Twins Go to the Beach

There was a Cybertruck parked on Main Street in East Hampton, outside the Altuzarra store. It was a Sunday afternoon in June, and traffic stalled for a moment. Even the rich are not immune to rubbernecking a brutalist behemoth.

The monster truck marked the end of an avenue of monograms — the island’s main luxury shopping drag, with $850 raffia handbags and $15,000 decorative surfboards. You know their names: Louis Vuitton, Loewe, Lululemon.

Two and a half miles down this same street, however, quaintness emerged. East Hampton turned into Amagansett, and that flashy boutique strip became a town square with white wood-paneled cottages. There was a shoe store called Brunch, a children’s clothing chain called Pink Chicken, a jewelry and gift shop called Love Adorned. A Cybertruck here would read as a declaration of war.

It was near these cottages that the Row, a brand founded in 2006 by Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen, quietly opened a store on Memorial Day weekend.

Quietly is how the Row tends to operate. Not only in its clothing — often described as “quiet luxury,” a term used to describe very expensive basics — but also in its communication.

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The founders rarely give interviews, advertise or otherwise promote their line. While the Row did announce its Amagansett opening on Instagram, that account is more outwardly devoted to sharing modern art than to moving product. In February, the brand caused a stir at Paris Fashion Week by asking its runway show attendees to “refrain from capturing or sharing any content during your experience” — which is, for many, the primary reason for attending a fashion show. The audience was encouraged to write down thoughts instead.

Somehow this stance works. In an industry overrun by influencers, the Row’s silence is stark. Monasticism is chic. There is an impression of exclusivity and taste, buoyed by the extreme prices. One of the Row’s most popular items, the Margaux bag, ranges in price from $3,490 to $6,810, depending on size and material. It is timeless and ladylike, the kind of purse that might remind Kendall Jenner of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis.

The Row’s stores also have a reputation for being intimidating at times, even among seasoned high-end shoppers.

One loyal Row customer told me she felt like “peasantry” in the Los Angeles store, which houses an untouchable swimming pool. At the store in Manhattan — a townhouse with a limestone spiral staircase — “there is one guy who works there that all my friends are afraid of, who radiates a very ‘you can’t sit here’ vibe,” said Jess Graves, the writer of a shopping newsletter called The Love List, “even to girls I know who walk in wearing the brand head to toe.”

The Amagansett shop is different. It operates out of a house with roots in the 19th century, formerly occupied by Tiina the Store, the Hamptons’ Gap for billionaires. (Tiina stocked the Row.)

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It has a porch and a screen door and a woven beige carpet. The fitting rooms are harshly lit behind denim patchwork curtains. (By contrast, the spacious wood-floored dressing rooms at the Upper East Side store, where I recently tried on a $1,550 white cotton poplin tent dress that made me look, tragically, like a hospital patient, have soft lighting and softer robes.)

There is no statement artwork in Amagansett, unlike the London store, where an oval light installation by James Turrell greets visitors at the entrance. The vintage furniture is noteworthy — there’s a black chaise shaped like a person from the 1970s by Olivier Mourgue Bouloum and a white painted wooden lounge chair from the 1930s by Robert Mallet-Stevens. But the décor, with its Asian and African influences, is not the point.

The point of the store is the large selection of jewelry, home wares, snacks and skin care by more than 20 brands and artisans that are not the Row. Shampoo from Florence. Beaded necklaces from Greece. A mother-of-pearl caviar set. A bronze lighter carved to resemble tree bark. A packet of dried mango and a jar of raw almonds. Vintage glass candlesticks that can be purchased only in a set of a dozen for $16,000.

There are racks of ready-to-wear clothes made by the Row, of course, the selection tailored to this beach town: bike shorts ($1,050), denim shirts (also $1,050), ribbed tank tops ($670), sleeveless silk maxi-dresses ($1,890). Ms. Graves bought herself a raffia bag here earlier in the season. (“It felt very appropriate while I’m out here this summer,” she said.)

But the Row confirmed that the Amagansett store is its first attempt at a “local” store concept. What this presumably means is a space that is more relaxed, filled with objects that complement the brand’s vision of itself, staffed by sales associates who do not scare people away but warmly help shoppers track down sold-out jelly flats. Not that the Row’s fans are easily scared away: Even those who are intimidated don’t stay away for long, these masochists for cream-colored cashmere.

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In retrospect, the popular jelly shoes, along with the beach towels that models wore as scarves on the Row’s runway in September, may have been a sign that the brand was loosening up — that brightness and humor were coming to this austere world. (Its most recent look book showed a silky camisole dress layered over pants, Y2K-style.)

A British client of the Row visiting the Amagansett store marveled at the vibe shift. Where was the icy indifference? “I don’t think it would fly with the audience here,” she said.

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