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Dear Life Kit: I'm ashamed that I still dream about my middle school crush

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Dear Life Kit: I'm ashamed that I still dream about my middle school crush

Having a crush can be all-consuming. How do you snap out of it? Sex educator Shan Boodram has advice.

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malerapaso/Getty Images; Collage by NPR/iStockphoto

HAVE A QUESTION YOU WANT TO ASK DEAR LIFE KIT ANONYMOUSLY? SHARE IT HERE.

A portrait of sexologist Shan Boodram against an ochre backdrop

Shan Boodram is the host of the Audioboom podcast Lovers And Friends, which covers sex, relationships and attachment.

Shan Boodram


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Shan Boodram

Dear Life Kit

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is NPR’s advice column where we pose your most pressing questions to an expert. 

Need some really good advice? Look no further than Dear Life Kit. In each episode, we pose a few of your most pressing questions to an expert. Sex educator Shan Boodram, author of The Game of Desire, answers listener questions on crushes. These responses have been edited for length and clarity.

Dear Life Kit, I can’t stop thinking about my middle school crush. I’m now in my 20s and I haven’t seen this person since my family immigrated to the U.S. 10 years ago. I’m single, happy with my career and I’ve picked up new hobbies and friends. But just as soon as I think I moved on, I dream about him and all the feelings come back. I’m too ashamed to tell anyone, even my therapist. Help! — Can’t stop crushing

I have crushes from 10 years ago that still exist in my brain. Those dreams are interesting every once in a while. Can’t that be enough? If the answer is no and it is all torture and pain, why don’t you reach back out?

Listen to the podcast episode: Dear Life Kit: I can’t stop thinking about my crush

Root this in an ask that’s about your own development and progress, not about putting pressure on this to be something it can’t. You might say: “Hey, I’ve been working on myself. I’m single. I’m happy. I’m at a great place in my life. But I’m really trying to understand my past in order to move forward. I never understood what happened between us. Are you down to have a conversation?”

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A lot of time has passed, so you’re crushing on the perception of this person from 10 years ago that may not actually align with reality. There’s so much unknown about who that person is now, what this person is doing and what their priorities are. You have to collect a lot more information about this person. So reach out.

Dear Life Kit, I have a crush on a friend. I know it’s reciprocated. We’re often flirty. We communicate almost every day, and we’ve even hooked up a few times. The problem? He’s already in a relationship. Part of me wants to advocate for something more. The other part wants to get over him. Why would I want to be with someone who’s willing to cheat anyway? What should I do? — Friendly fire

Sister, you’re cheating. You are being dishonest and you’re conducting yourself in the kind of relationship dynamic that can severely damage everybody involved. I would put a hard stop to this.

I don’t think “once a cheater, always a cheater.” But you have, for some reason, allowed yourself to create backchannels where this behavior is acceptable. You have to seal those doors shut. If you devote yourself to that labor, you can have a healthy dynamic going forward.

Bonus question

Dear Life Kit, I started dating someone about a month ago who seems like a great match. He’s interesting, our values align and I find him attractive, but I’m having a visceral reaction to his messiness. His apartment is dusty, covered in cat hair and looks more like a recent college grad’s apartment than the home of someone decades into their career and entering their 40s. He also has bad table manners. I’ve had to ask him several times to please stop talking with his mouth full. 

I’ve tried to be polite and nonjudgmental, but now I’m feeling conflicted. Is this a sign of incompatibility? Do I ignore it? How do I bring this up in a kind way? — Love is messy

This is something that’s important to you. Essentially, you’re saying: “You’ve got to start working on this. And if you want to learn, then we’re compatible.”

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This digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, or sign up for our newsletter.

Lifestyle

Sunday Puzzle: BE-D with two words

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Sunday Puzzle: BE-D with two words

On-air challenge

Every answer today is a familiar two-word phrase or name in which the first word starts BE- and the second word start D- (as in “bed”). (Ex. Sauce often served with tortilla chips  –>  BEAN DIP)

1. Sinuous Mideast entertainer who may have a navel decoration

2. Oscar category won multiple times by Frank Capra and Steven Spielberg

3. While it’s still light at the end of the day

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4. Obstruction in a stream made by animals that gnaw

5. Actress who starred in “Now, Voyager” and “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?”

6. Two-time Conservative prime minister of Great Britain in the 19th century

7. Italian for “beautiful woman”

8. Patron at an Oktoberfest, e.g.

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9. Dim sum dish made with ground meat and fillings wrapped in a wonton and steamed

10. [Fill in the blank:] Something that is past its prime has seen ___

11. Like the engine room and sleeping quarters on a ship

Last week’s challenge

Last week’s challenge came from Robert Flood, of Allen, Texas. Name a famous female singer of the past (five letters in the first name, seven letters in the last name). Remove the last letter of her first name and you can rearrange all the remaining letters to name the capital of a country (six letters) and a food product that its nation is famous for (five letters).

Challenge answer

Sarah Vaughan, Havana, Sugar.

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Winner

Josh McIntyre of Raleigh, N.C.

This week’s challenge (something different)

I was at a library. On the shelf was a volume whose spine said “OUT TO SEA.” When I opened the volume, I found the contents has nothing to do with sailing or the sea in any sense. It wasn’t a book of fiction either. What was in the volume?

If you know the answer to the challenge, submit it below by Wednesday, December 24 at 3 p.m. ET. Listeners whose answers are selected win a chance to play the on-air puzzle.

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JoJo Siwa’s Boyfriend Chris Hughes Says He Plans to Propose When Least Expected

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JoJo Siwa’s Boyfriend Chris Hughes Says He Plans to Propose When Least Expected

JoJo Siwa
Boyfriend Chris Hughes Reveals Engagement Plans …
Gotta Take Her By Surprise!!!

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When a loved one dies, where do they go? A new kids’ book suggests ‘They Walk On’

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When a loved one dies, where do they go? A new kids’ book suggests ‘They Walk On’

Rafael López / Roaring Brook Press

A couple of years ago, after his mom died, Fry Bread author Kevin Maillard found himself wondering, “but where did she go?”

“I was really thinking about this a lot when I was cleaning her house out,” Maillard remembers. “She has all of her objects there and there’s like hair that’s still in the brush or there is an impression of her lipstick on a glass.” It was almost like she was there and gone at the same time.

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Maillard found it confusing, so he decided to write about it. His new children’s book is And They Walk On, about a little boy whose grandma has died. “When someone walks on, where do they go?” The little boy wonders. “Did they go to the market to thump green melons and sail shopping carts in the sea of aisles? Perhaps they’re in the garden watering a jungle of herbs or turning saplings into great sequoias.”

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Rafael López / Roaring Brook Press

Maillard grew up in Oklahoma. His mother was an enrolled member of the Seminole Nation. He says many people in native communities use the phrase “walked on” when someone dies. It’s a different way of thinking about death. “It’s still sad,” Maillard says, “but then you can also see their continuing influence on everything you do, even when they’re not around.”

And They Walk On.jpg

Rafael López / Roaring Brook Press

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And They Walk On was illustrated by Mexican artist Rafael López, who connected to the story on a cultural and personal level. “‘Walking on’ reminds me so much of the Day of the Dead,” says López, who lost his dad 35 years ago. “My mom continues to celebrate my dad. We talk about something funny that he said. We play his favorite music. So he walks with us every day, wherever we go.”

It was López who decided that the story would be about a little boy: a young Kevin Maillard. “I thought, we need to have Kevin because, you know, he’s pretty darn cute,” he explains. López began the illustrations with pencil sketches and worked digitally, but he created all of the textures by hand. “I use acrylics and I use watercolors and I use ink. And then I distressed the textures with rags and rollers and, you know, dried out brushes,” he says. “I look for the harshest brush that I neglected to clean, and I decide this is going to be the perfect tool to create this rock.”

The illustrations at the beginning of the story are very muted, with neutral colors. Then, as the little boy starts to remember his grandmother, the colors become brighter and more vivid, with lots of purples and lavender. “In Mexico we celebrate things very much with color,” López explains, “whether you’re eating very colorful food or you’re buying a very colorful dress or you go to the market, the color explodes in your face. So I think we use color a lot to express our emotions.”

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Rafael López / Roaring Brook Press

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On one page, the little boy and his parents are packing up the grandmother’s house. The scene is very earthy and green-toned except for grandma’s brightly-colored apron, hanging on a hook in the kitchen. “I want people to start noticing those things,” says López, “to really think about what color means and where he is finding this connection with grandma.”

Kevin Maillard says when he first got the book in the mail, he couldn’t open it for two months. “I couldn’t look at it,” he says, voice breaking. What surprised him, he said, was how much warmth Raphael López’s illustrations brought to the subject of death. “He’s very magical realist in his illustrations,” explains Maillard. And the illustrations, if not exactly joyful, are fanciful and almost playful. And they offer hope. “There’s this promise that these people, they don’t go away,” says Maillard. “They’re still with us… and we can see that their lives had meaning because they touched another person.”

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Rafael López / Roaring Brook Press

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