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Published May 23, 2025 12:30 AM PDT

Have a question you want to ask Dear Life Kit anonymously? Share it here. For our next episode, we’re looking for your queries on doubt and decision making in relationships. 

Dear Life Kit is NPR’s advice column, where experts answer tricky questions about relationships, social etiquette, work culture and more. 

These questions were answered by Celeste Headlee, a journalist and the author of We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter and Sasha Philip, a professional mediator. The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.

Dear Life Kit, We live in a nice neighborhood that has homeowner association (HOA) rules, and our neighbor is violating them. 

They have multiple broken-down vehicles in their driveway, a huge water container they used during Hurricane Helene in 2024, building supplies (even though there was no damage), and they still have Christmas lights up. They’re a real eyesore.  

No one else in the development lives like this. Do we call the president of the HOA? —Sight for Sore Eyes

Headlee: Do not call the HOA president. Go over and talk to them.

Frankly, as a person of color, please don’t bring in the authorities unless it’s absolutely necessary. You have no idea what’s going on in their life. If you call the HOA and they get fined only to find out that they just had a death in the family, or they have a major medical problem, or that something’s been going on that’s completely disrupted their life, you’re going to feel horrible.

Maybe they need help. Maybe you can go over and say, “I’ve noticed this is happening. Is there anything I can do? Can we get a group of people to help out?”

Philip: Go into this assuming good intentions. Make a plan ahead of time. Say, “OK, I’m going to have this conversation when I’m calm. And if it doesn’t go well, my plan B is X.” And maybe that is calling the HOA. But start at the lowest possible level.

Headlee: It’s hard once you’ve escalated to ratchet back.

Dear Life Kit, My neighbor has a drum set in his basement, and when he plays, I can clearly hear it. He’s decent, however, he practices nearly every day for multiple hours.  I work full time, with one of those days being from home. We’re friends, but I don’t know how to address this. —Drummer Bummer

Headlee: It’s understandable you’re annoyed, but you have to start from the idea that he’s in his personal space. Then ask yourself, “What can I do to make my space better for me?” Put soundproofing insulation on your walls and ceiling. Put on noise-canceling headphones.

Philip: You’re friends. That’s a great starting point. Maybe have a conversation where you work out a compromise. You might say: “Hey, maybe you can practice during hours when I’m not at home,” or “Maybe keep it down a bit when I am home.” Maybe he doesn’t realize it’s bothering you.

Having that conversation might go a long way, and it may still require noise-canceling headphones. But maybe there’s a little room for compromise and collaboration.

Headlee: Don’t wait until you’re ticked off. Wait until there’s no drumming and you’re calm, then bring it up.

Dear Life Kit, How do I respond to a neighbor who’s invited themselves over to gatherings multiple times? When this person texts me asking if we’re having a party for a certain holiday or event, I’m not sure how to respond. Since she’s a neighbor, it’s not like I can lie. —The More, Not the Merrier

Headlee: Context matters. Maybe she’s lonely. Maybe she’s been excluded in her life and made a vow to herself that she was going to be aggressive and get invited to parties. You can absolutely talk to her and find out.

Or you could just say, I’m having a big party, and it’s OK. If there are 10 people here, what do I care if it’s 11?

Philip: I mostly agree. But maybe you’ve planned these gatherings in great detail. Maybe you’ve bought food, drinks and party favors for 10 people and that 11th person would truly be disruptive.

There’s no harm in setting boundaries. If they ask to come to your next event, you might say: “Yes, we are having a gathering, but it really is just for this group of people — my close friends, my family, whoever that might be. You’re more than welcome to come to the next gathering.”

It’s OK to say no, but perhaps figure out what’s going on with her and find an opportunity to say yes.

The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.

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