Lifestyle
15 gifts for L.A. gardeners and plant parents of all levels
Plant people are easy to buy for — and hard too — because the really die-hard gardeners usually want nothing more than their favorite battered clippers and an old table knife for weeding.
The truth is, many of those cutesy have-to-have garden gifts look pretty at the store but serve little purpose in the real world. The other truth is that gardeners enjoy more than just planting and pulling weeds — they like visiting other gardens for inspiration (and joy!). They love art that reminds them of nature’s extraordinary beauty, workshops that help them learn and, of course, useful tools that make their work easier.
The suggestions below have all been tested by a real gardener (yours truly), and I can vouch for the delight-ability of every one. I tried to find useful and/or beautiful items that won’t break the bank. And for bonus points: Almost all of these items come from artists or companies based in Southern California so no matter what you choose, you’ll be supporting our local economy.
If you make a purchase using some of our links, the L.A. Times may be compensated.
(Los Angeles Times photo illustration; photos from Sally Jacobs; Getty Images)
Sally Jacobs’ botanical art
L.A. botanical artist Sally Jacobs does exacting, exquisite renderings of all things botanical, from gorgeous flowers to the gnarly details of a celery root to the rich Renaissance-style details of a turban squash (above). She does her own printing in her Mid-Wilshire studio, using archival ink on acid-free fine-art paper, and signs every print. She also thoughtfully chooses sizes (8 by 10 inches or 11 by 14 inches) that easily fit into standard frames, so you can actually afford to present your recipient a complete gift. If you can’t decide on a print, buy one of Jacobs’ card sets ($18) and frame a few of the original watercolor art cards. And watch for her next show at the Artists Gallery next spring.
$25 to $35 at Sally Jacobs Studio
Hand pruners are to gardeners what shoes are to fashionistas — you can never have too many — but I’ve come to realize that most days when I’m roaming the garden, all I really need is a small hand pruner to keep things tidy. The problem is, my sturdy 1-inch pruners are bulky in my pocket and tiring to use. Corona Tools, a Corona, Calif., business for nearly 100 years, introduced its pocket pruner last year. The device — small and light enough to slip easily into my pocket, but strong enough to cut through branches up to a ½-inch diameter — has become my favorite for garden chores. You can order it from the Corona website, but the shipping will double your cost unless you’re ordering $100 worth of goods. You can also check out your local hardware store for Corona Tools’ BP13630, a.k.a. the Yard Essentials pocket pruner.
$15 at Lowe’s
Remember what I said above about gardeners never having enough pruners? Well, there’s a different issue for houseplant parents who must wander their indoor jungles with watering cans, misters, fertilizers and pruners and then find a place to store them. I had my doubts about Corona-based Corona Tools’ new Dead Header Snips, but the minute I tried them I was hooked. They’re lightweight, attach to your forefinger and fit comfortably in your palm, so you can carry other items and nearly forget they’re there until you need them. I used mine to cut a bouquet outside, deftly harvest some green beans, lemons and eggplants, and even cut finger-sized branches with ease. I have nothing but raves about these small but sturdy clippers. They’re an indispensable, easy-to-store tool for tending potted plants as well as harvesting flowers and veggies from the garden.
$16 at Lowe’s
Chaparral Studio ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ California poppies pin
L.A. artist and landscape designer Bianca D’Amico’s clever enamel pin perfectly captures Southern California’s love for our local wildflowers along with our concern about not destroying those flowers with too much love. Enamel pins are sometimes too heavy to use on clothes, but this cheerful design featuring the state flower — the California poppy — and the words, “Don’t Tread on Me,” is large enough (1.5 inches-by-1 inch) to get its message across without overwhelming a lapel. Consider this a small-but-thoughtful gift for wildflower lovers or any plant aficionados who want to make a statement stylishly on a jacket, hat or bag. Final selling point: You don’t even have to wrap this gift, because it comes so beautifully decorated, complete with sprigs of pressed but still fragrant blooms of Cleveland sage, which, like the golden poppies, are California native plants.
$12 at Chaparral Studio
Ambrosia linen produce bags
Jan Rem of Ojai is a gardener who felt uneasy about storing her produce in plastic bags. She grew up wrapping damp greens in linen tea towels to keep them crisp but was frustrated when her salad makings fell out of the towels. Then she added a zipper to one of her linen towels, and Ambrosia Produce Bags was born. These handy, reusable linen bags are designed to keep veggies and leafy greens crisp for longer and to prevent them from dissolving into brownish-green smears of goo in a plastic bag. Rem uses a heavier-weight linen to keep berries firm and mushrooms from turning to slime. One tip: Wash your greens and veggies and store them wet in their bags in the crisper drawer; keep your mushrooms and berries unwashed and dry in their bags until you use them. Softer berries like raspberries and blackberries should stay in the bottom of their clamshell containers (recycle the tops) when you put them in the bag, unless you want a tie-dyed bag, Rem said. An effective, easy-to-use way to reduce plastics in the home, the bags are sized for their intended items, color-coded and clearly labeled, so you can see at a glance which one holds the lettuce.
$26-$30; $110 for all four at Ambrosia Produce Bags
Fig Earth Supply’s cannabis gardening bundle
If you have a cannabis user on your list (and who doesn’t these days?), Fig Earth Supply is offering a great package for people who want to stop worrying about the possible pesticides in their product. The Mount Washington–based nursery is offering two classes for beginning gardeners starting in February — one explaining how to grow cannabis at home and the other how to harvest it; both are taught by educator Emily Gogol, chief executive of Grow It From Home, an Oregon-based company that sells mail-order cannabis seeds and plants the same way other nurseries sell veggie starts. Gogol’s classes sold out quickly in Los Angeles this year so go ahead and book early to give your gift recipient a head start on growing their own in 2025. The bundle includes the two classes along with a package of six cannabis seeds and a copy of the book “The Cannabis Gardener” by San Francisco Bay-area cannabis educator Penny Barthel.
$100 at Fig Earth Supply
Farmers Defense protection sleeves
After a day in the garden, my arms usually are crisscrossed with scratches, sunburn, a few punctures from thorns and more often than not, a low-grade rash. Then I tried a pair of Farmers Defense protection sleeves: Think long, fingerless gloves that extend to just under the armpits, in a silky-feeling “eco-dynamic” fabric known as Repreve, made from recycled plastic bottles and recycled fabrics. To my surprise, they actually stayed up and kept my arms protected as I whacked scratchy shrubs for several hours. During the process, they didn’t even feel hot; afterward, the sleeves seemed untouched. If they do get dirty, they’re machine washable, and they come in myriad colors and designs, from camo to monarch butterflies. This is a useful and thoughtful gift for gardeners tired of sporting itchy scars after a day in the yard.
$27 at Farmers Defense
(Theodore Payne Foundation)
Theodore Payne Foundation gift cards
Native plant gardens are a new way of thinking about landscaping in Southern California, but the Theodore Payne Foundation has a wealth of knowledge on the subject, having been focused on California native plants for 64 years. The foundation offers an array of conservation and education programs as well as its popular Native Plant Garden Tour, which takes place April 5-6, 2025. A great gift, then, is a gift card, which would let its recipient purchase a ticket to the 2025 Native Plant Garden Tour (it was $55 this year) or take a class to learn more about landscaping with California’s indigenous plants. Feeling extra-generous? A $100 gift card would let them do both and also help create more habitats for our threatened pollinators and wildlife.
$100 at Theodore Payne Foundation Store
Tree of Life Nursery wildflower seed mixes
Native wildflowers are one of California’s superpowers. Even when their blooms are middling, they impress, and when they’re great — as in superblooms that cover entire hillsides like colorful quilts — they bring us to our knees. No wonder people try to re-create a little of that magic in their yards. The Tree of Life Nursery in San Juan Capistrano has been selling native plants and seeds for nearly 50 years. (Its wildflower seeds are collected exclusively by S & S Seeds in Carpinteria for Southern California gardens.) Choose from 10 different seed mixes, which include instructions on the best way to plant them for maximum blooms. Three ounces of seed will cover 400 square feet, a nice start to a beginning habitat garden. And the beauty of this gift is that once they bloom, these wildflowers will reseed to create new blooms year after year.
$4 to $8.50 an ounce at Tree of Life Nursery
(Jason Armond / Los Angeles Times)
Bauer Pottery orange swirl pot
Bauer Pottery is like a candy shop of ceramics, with pots and dishes in so many brilliant colors that shopping at the store feels like a party. John Andrew Bauer began making brown-glazed pottery in Paducah, Ky., in 1885 and moved his business and family to Los Angeles in 1910. By 1930, Bauer Pottery was creating pottery and tableware in many bold colors. The company closed in 1962, but was resurrected in 2000 by collector Janek Boniecki, who bought the rights to Bauer in 1998 and re-created Bauer pots in shapes and colors from the 1930s and 1940s. Today you can get a handsome 9-inch swirl pot, for instance, in nine colors (from Bauer orange to Federalist blue), with the distinctive Bauer Pottery stamp. These particular pots don’t have drain holes (although Bauer will drill holes for free on request), which makes them good for indoor plants. Just slip a potted houseplant — still in its original plastic container — into the pot; remove the plant from the Bauer pot easily for watering without worrying about leaks. It’s a gift as practical as it is fashionable. Shown here, it’s paired with an 8-inch Dieffenbachia ‘Tropic Snow’ plant from Creature’s Plants & Coffee.
$99 at Bauer Pottery
(Kent Nishimura / Los Angeles Times)
Annual membership to a botanic garden
Southern California is blessed with an abundance of brilliant weather for gardening along with a plethora of botanic gardens to help us decide what to grow — or to soothe our souls when we need some plant time outdoors. Annual memberships are the gift that keeps on giving throughout the year, with free entry into the gardens, plus discounts on special events and classes and even free passes for friends! Most dual memberships for two named adults cost $100 or less (although the renowned Huntington Library, Art Museum, and Botanical Gardens will run you $175 for two adults in the same household). Search for gardens close to your recipient’s home so they can make frequent use of your generous gift. A few suggestions: California Botanic Garden and Santa Barbara Botanic Garden (for native plant lovers), Descanso Gardens, Los Angeles County Arboretum, South Coast Botanic Garden, San Diego Botanic Garden and Ventura Botanical Gardens.
Prices vary; check out 16 options here.
CoolJob bamboo touchscreen gardening gloves
I’ve tried lots of gardening gloves, but they all had the same problem: I had to peel them off to use my smartphone, which isn’t easy when they’re wet or crusted with dirt. Then I discovered Ontario-based CoolJob’s touchscreen gardening gloves, which protect my hands while keeping them cool and allowing me to work my phone. These gloves come in six sizes and are made from a bamboo-nylon fiber with a foamed nitrile covering on the thumb, fingers and palm, making them tough enough to withstand a year’s worth of heavy use (the average lifespan of my garden gloves), before I have to replace them. Best of all is the cost: just $9 for two pairs. At that price, you can fill the holiday stocking of every gardener on your list, or add a pair to a gift basket for a beginning gardener. Just think: Your gardening pals will be able to answer when you call!
$11.99 at CoolJob
‘Medicinal Herbs of California’ field guide by Lanny Kaufer
Lanny Kaufer is based in Ojai, but he’s been conducting Herb Walks through the wilds of Southern California for nearly five decades, pointing out the names and many uses of the region’s native and invasive plants. It’s a fun and informative way to get some history about the uses of these plants, from culinary and medicinal to making musical instruments or weaving baskets. His book, “Medicinal Herbs of California: A Field Guide to Common Healing Plants,” dives deep into that history as well, with photos to help with plant identification. I took one of Kaufer’s Herb Walks in Ventura and came away enlightened on several points. For instance, alcohol is an effective way to wash off poison oak if you apply it within 30 minutes, he said; otherwise, use juice from the ground-up native mugwort plant to treat the soon-to-follow blistering rash. Interesting side note: Mugwort tends to grow next to poison oak. The book and gift certificates for Herb Walks ($25-$45) are all available on Kaufer’s website; be sure to include a link with your gift so your recipients can pick their walks.
$27 at Herb Walks With Lanny Kaufer
Hardy Californian LA Plants Mom & Dad Hat
Parker Davis of Hardy Californians is a landscape designer and native plant fanatic, but he also has a flair for fashion. Just check out the terrific L.A. Plants cap he designed in Dodgers blue, which fades to a nice sky blue over time. Every time I wear this comfortable, washable cap, someone stops to ask me where they can buy one. It’s kind of like being a celebrity! These well-made hats come in several colors; the faded vintage blue (shown above) is a recent offering because, Davis said, so many people tried to buy his faded royal blue cap off his head. If you opt for the royal blue, another note is that it will fade naturally after many washes and exposure to the sun (for all you purists out there).
$35 at Hardy Californians
(The Plant Good Seed Co.)
The Plant Good Seed Co.’s Culinary Basil seed collection
The Plant Good Seed Co. is based in Ojai, with growers up and down the West Coast (including several around this small Ventura County city), and even in the eastern United States. The seeds, hand-packaged in Ojai, are neither genetically modified nor chemically treated, and most are certified organic. What I really appreciate is the wide selection available online and at many local retailers, especially with its seed collections — like the Culinary Basil option, which offers six types of basil for gardeners who love to cook. Other collections run the gamut, from a mix of poppies to culinary herbs, or easy-to-grow vegetable seeds for the beginning gardener. There’s something comforting about knowing there’s a company in Southern California providing such a wide selection of seeds for growing food and flowering plants.
$24 at the Plant Good Seed Co.
Prices and availability of experiences in the Gift Guide and on latimes.com are subject to change.
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Lifestyle
How to have the best Sunday in L.A., according to Tig Notaro
Thirty years ago, comedian and actor Tig Notaro didn’t have a clear direction in life, so she followed some childhood friends who wanted to get into entertainment to Los Angeles. Secretly wanting to do stand-up, Notaro decided to try her luck at various outlets in town, which became the start of her successful career.
“I stayed on my friends’ couch near the Hollywood Improv on Melrose, and a couple months later, got my own studio apartment in the Miracle Mile area,” Notaro says. “I love all the options for everything in L.A. — the entertainment, the restaurants. I like to stay active. So many people love the hiking options in Los Angeles, and I’m one of them.”
In Sunday Funday, L.A. people give us a play-by-play of their ideal Sunday around town. Find ideas and inspiration on where to go, what to eat and how to enjoy life on the weekends.
Notaro appears in Season 3 of Apple TV’s “The Morning Show” and is a series regular on Paramount+’s “Star Trek: Starfleet Academy,” as she was on “Star Trek: Discovery.” She’s also a touring stand-up comic and hosts “Handsome,” a comedy podcast, with Fortune Feimster and Mae Martin. The trio will be taping a live show May 4 at the Wiltern with the cast of Netflix’s “The Hunting Wives.” The live shows include interviews, but also “incorporate some ridiculous things,” she says. For example, upon hearing that some of the hosts always wanted to learn to tap dance, Notaro “hired a tap instructor to come to our live show in Austin and teach us how to tap dance in front of the audience.”
Notaro lives near Hollywood with her wife, actor Stephanie Allynne, their 9-year-old fraternal twin boys, Max and Finn, and three cats, Fluff, Linus and Skip. When she’s not touring, her ideal Sundays include sampling vegan restaurants, wandering through bookstores or museums, and doing something physically active with the family.
This interview has been lightly edited and condensed for length and clarity.
6 a.m.: Up with the kids
Because we have active children, we still wake up at 6 a.m. or 6:30 a.m. on Sunday, but there’s not as much of a rush to get going. Stephanie and I will often have coffee and chat in the living room together. I love that part of the day. Stephanie may cook breakfast, but Max and Finn are pretty self-sufficient and can make certain little meals for themselves. Max is really starting to take an interest in cooking, so he’d make breakfast for himself. Our family is vegan, but he eats eggs, so he makes himself an egg sandwich with avocado a lot of times.
9 a.m.: Daily morning walk
After breakfast, we usually have a morning walk around our neighborhood. That’s a daily thing I like to do, regardless of what’s going on. Now that I’m not touring as much, tennis is back on the schedule. So I’d go to Plummer Park in West Hollywood and play for a while, then join the family for lunch.
11:30 a.m.: Hike with a side of chickpea sandwich
I love Trails, a cafe in Griffith Park, where you can eat outdoors. It serves simple food, and has good vegan options. I usually get their chickpea salad sandwich. The food there is great. Afterward, we’d visit Griffith Observatory, where there’s lots to see. There are lots of great trails in the park, so we’d go for an hour hike before leaving.
3 p.m.: Browse the shelves for rock biographies
Bookstores are fun, so we’d head downtown for the Last Bookstore, which is in a historic building with lots of vintage books. I really love all things plant-based, and I’m a very big music fanatic. So I love to look for vegan books, nutrition books, rock biographies and autobiographies. It’s just fun to browse around the stacks.
If we didn’t go to the bookstore, we’d probably go to LACMA. Our sons are huge fans of art and want to go for each new exhibit. They love Hockney, Basquiat and Picasso, to name a few.
4 p.m.: Cuddle with cuties at a cat cafe
We’d then make a quick stop at [Crumbs & Whiskers], a kitten and cat cafe on Melrose for coffee, snacks and to pet the cats. It’s best to make reservations in advance. There’s cats all around the place that need to be adopted. You can visit and pet them, or find a new roommate. I’d love to take some home, but we already have three.
5:30 p.m. Italian or sushi, but make it vegan
We’re an early dinner family. One restaurant we like is Pura Vita in West Hollywood. It’s the greatest vegan Italian food, and for non-vegans, nobody ever knows the difference. It’s the first 100% plant-based Italian restaurant in the United States. They make an incredible kale salad and I love the San Gennaro pizza. It’s got cashew mozzarella, tomato sauce, Italian sausage crumble and more.
Then there’s Planta in Marina del Rey. It’s right on the harbor and you can sit outside and look at the boats coming in and out. They have sushi, salads and other plant-based entrees. They’ve got a really great spicy tuna roll that’s made out of watermelon. They are magicians.
Or there’s Crossroads Kitchen in West Hollywood. They play the best classic rock, and the atmosphere is upscale, fine dining. The appetizers that we always get are called Moroccan Cigars, which are vegan meat substitutes fried in a rolled batter. I really like the grilled lion’s mane steak, their mushroom steak with truffle potatoes, or the scallopini Milanese, that has a chicken or tofu option. I get the chicken with arugula on top. I always love to have a decaf espresso with dessert, which is either a brownie sundae or banana pudding.
7:30 p.m.: Comfort watch or word games
After dinner, the kids often like to watch an episode of “Friends,” a show that all ages enjoy, sports or “The Simpsons.” Or we’d play a game where each of us will add a word to a sentence and create a weird or funny long sentence until one of our sons says period. Then they’ll try and remember the whole sentence and repeat it back.
9:30 p.m.: Bubble bath then bed
The boys usually go to bed at 8:30 p.m. and bedtime for us is 9:30 p.m. Stephanie and I would read or chat. I like to take a bubble bath, if people must know. The best Sundays for me mean finding a good balance of relaxing and being active. I feel very lucky that my family and I can do those things together.
Lifestyle
It Started with a Midnight Swim and a Kiss Under the Stars
When Marian Sherry Lurio and Jonathan Buffington Nguyen met at a mutual friend’s wedding at Higgins Lake, Mich., in July 2022, both felt an immediate chemistry. As the evening progressed, they sat on the shore of the lake in Adirondack chairs under the stars, where they had their first kiss before joining others for a midnight plunge.
The two learned that the following weekend Ms. Lurio planned to attend a wedding in Philadelphia, where Mr. Nguyen lives, and before they had even exchanged numbers, they already had a first date on the books.
“I have a vivid memory of after we first met,” Mr. Nguyen said, “just feeling like I really better not screw this up.”
Before long, they were commuting between Philadelphia and New York City, where Ms. Lurio lives, spending weekends and the odd remote work days in one another’s apartments in Philadelphia and Manhattan. Within the first six months of dating, Mr. Nguyen joined Ms. Lurio’s family for Thanksgiving in Villanova, Pa., and, the following month, she met his family in Beavercreek, Ohio, at a surprise birthday party for Mr. Nguyen’s mother.
Ms. Lurio, 32, who grew up in Merion Station outside Philadelphia, works in investor relations administration at Flexpoint Ford, a private equity firm. She graduated from Dartmouth College with a bachelor’s degree in history and psychology.
Mr. Nguyen, also 32, was born in Knoxville, Tenn., and raised in Beavercreek, Ohio, from the age of 7. He graduated from Haverford College with a bachelor’s degree in political science and is now a director at Doyle Real Estate Advisors in Philadelphia.
Their long-distance relationship continued for the next few years. There were dates in Manhattan, vacations and beach trips to the Jersey Shore. They attended sporting events and discovered their shared appreciation of the 2003 film, “Love Actually.”
One evening, Mr. Nguyen recalled looking around Ms. Lurio’s small New York studio — strewed with clothes and the takeout meal they had ordered — and feeling “so comfortable and safe.” “I knew that this was something different than just sort of a fling,” he said.
It was an open question when they would move in together. In 2024, Ms. Lurio began the process of moving into Mr. Nguyen’s home in Philadelphia — even bringing her cat, Scott — but her plans changed midway when an opportunity arose to expand her role with her current employer.
Mr. Nguyen was on board with her decision. “It almost feels like stolen valor to call it ‘long distance,’ because it’s so easy from Philadelphia to New York,” Mr. Nguyen said. “The joke is, it’s easier to get to Philly from New York than to get to some parts of Brooklyn from Manhattan, right?”
In January 2025, Mr. Nguyen visited Ms. Lurio in New York with more up his sleeve than spending the weekend. Together they had discussed marriage and bespoke rings, but when Mr. Nguyen left Ms. Lurio and an unfinished cheese plate at the bar of the Chelsea Hotel that Friday evening, she had no idea what was coming next.
“I remember texting Jonathan,” Ms. Lurio said, bewildered: “‘You didn’t go toward the bathroom!’” When a Lobby Bar server came and asked her to come outside, Ms. Lurio still didn’t realize what was happening until she was standing in the hallway, where Mr. Nguyen stood recreating a key moment from the film “Love Actually,” in which one character silently professes his love for another in writing by flashing a series of cue cards. There, in the storied Chelsea Hotel hallway still festooned with Christmas decorations, Mr. Nguyen shared his last card that said, “Will you marry me?”
They wed on April 11 in front of 200 guests at the Pump House, a covered space on the banks of Philadelphia’s Schuylkill River. Mr. Nguyen’s sister, the Rev. Elizabeth Nguyen, who is ordained through the Unitarian Universalist Association, officiated.
Although formal attire was suggested, Ms. Lurio said that the ceremony was “pretty casual.” She and Jonathan got ready together, and their families served as their wedding parties.
“I said I wanted a five-minute wedding,” Ms. Lurio recalled, though the ceremony ended up lasting a little longer than that. During the ceremony, Ms. Nguyen read a homily and jokingly added that guests should not ask the bride and groom about their living arrangements, which will remain separate for the foreseeable future.
While watching Ms. Lurio walk down the aisle, flanked by her parents, Mr. Nguyen said he remembered feeling at once grounded in the moment and also a sense of dazed joy: “Like, is this real? I felt very lucky in that moment — and also just excited for the party to start!”
Lifestyle
L.A. Affairs: I loved someone who felt he couldn’t be fully seen with me
He always texted when he was outside. No call, no knock. It was just a message and then the soft sound of my door opening. He moved like someone practiced in disappearing.
His name meant “complete” in Arabic, which is what I felt when we were together.
I met him the way you meet most things that matter in Los Angeles — without intending to. In our senior year at a college in eastern L.A. County, we were introduced through mutual friends, then thrown together by the particular gravity of people who recognized something in each other. He was a Muslim medical student, conservative and careful and funny in the dry, precise way of someone who has always had to choose his words. I was loud where he was quiet, messy where he was disciplined. I was out. He was not.
I understood, or thought I did. I thought that I couldn’t get hurt if I was completely conscious throughout the endeavor. Los Angeles has a way of making you feel like the whole world shares your freedoms — until you realize the city is enormous, and not all of it belongs to you in the same way.
For months, our world was confined to my apartment. He would slip in after dark, and we’d stay up late talking about his family in Iran, classical music and the particular pressure of being the son someone sacrificed everything to bring here. He told me things he said he’d never told anyone, and I believed him.
The orange glow from my Nesso lamp lit his face while the indigo sky pressed against the window behind him. In our small little world, we were safe. Outside was another matter.
On our first real date, I took him to the L.A. Phil’s “An Evening of Film & Music: From Mexico to Hollywood” program. I told him they were cheap seats even though they were the first row on the terrace. He was thrilled in the way only someone who doesn’t expect to be delighted actually gets delighted — fully, without guarding it. I put my arm around his shoulders. At some point, I shifted and moved it, and he nudged it back. He was OK with PDA here.
I remember thinking that wealth is a great barrier to harm and then feeling silly for extrapolating my own experience once again. Inside Walt Disney Concert Hall, we were just two people in love with the same music.
Outside was still another matter.
In February, on Valentine’s Day, he took me to a Yemeni restaurant in Anaheim. We hovered over saffron tea surrounded by other young Southern Californians, and we looked like friends. Before we went in, we sat in the parking lot of the strip mall — signs in Arabic advertising bread, coffee, halal meats, the Little Arabia District — hand in hand. I leaned over to kiss him.
“Not here,” he said. His eyes shifted furtively. “Someone might see.”
I understood, or told myself I did, but I was saddened. Later, after the kind of reflection that only arrives in the wreckage, I would understand something harder: I had been unconsciously asking him to choose, over and over, between the people he loved and the person he loved. I had a long pattern of choosing unavailable men, telling myself it was because I could handle the complexity. The truth was more embarrassing. I thought that if someone like him chose me anyway — chose me over the weight of societal expectations — it would mean I was worth choosing. It took me a long time to see how unfair that was to him and to me.
We went to the Norton Simon Museum together in November, on the kind of gray Pasadena day when the 210 Freeway roars in the background like white noise. He studied for the MCAT while I wrote a paper on Persian rugs. In between practice problems, he translated ancient Arabic scripts for me. I thought, “We make a good team.” Afterward, we walked through the galleries and he didn’t let go of my arm.
That was the version of us I kept returning to — when the ending came during Ramadan. It arrived as a spiritual reflection of my own. I texted: “Does this end at graduation — whatever we are doing?”
He thought I meant Ramadan. I did not mean Ramadan.
“I care about you,” he wrote, “but I don’t want you to think this could work out to anything more than just dating. I mean, of course, I’ve fantasized about marrying you. If I could live my life the way I wanted, of course I would continue. I’m just sad it’s not in this lifetime.”
I was in Mexico City when these texts were exchanged. That night I flew to Oaxaca to clear my head and then, after less than 24 hours, flew back to L.A. No amount of vacation would allow me to process what had just happened, so I threw myself back into work.
My therapist told me to use the conjunction “and” instead of “but.” It happened, and I am changed. The harm I caused and the love I felt. The beauty of what we made and the impossibility of where it could go. She gave me a knowing smile when I asked if it would stay with me forever. She didn’t answer, which was the answer.
I think about the freeways now, the way Joan Didion called them our only secular communion. When you’re on the ground in Los Angeles, the world narrows to the few blocks around you. Get on the freeway and you understand the whole body of the city at once: the arteries, the pulse, the scale of the thing.
You understand that you are a single cell in something enormous and moving. It is all out of your control. I am in a lane. The lane shaped how I drive. He was simply in a different lane, and his lane shaped him, and those two facts can coexist without either of us being the villain of the sad story.
He came like a secret in the night, and he left the same way. What we made in between was real and complicated and mine to hold forever, hoping we find each other in the next life.
The author lives in Los Angeles.
L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here.
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