Health
Dementia warning: Don't ever say these 16 things to loved ones with the disease, experts advise
Dementia may be a disease of the mind, but its effects can be highly emotional.
Those suffering from cognitive decline can experience frequent changes in emotions and have less control over their feelings, according to the Alzheimer’s Society — which can make communication difficult.
“Most people do not have regular interactions with those living with dementia, so it can be hard to know the do’s and don’ts of what to say and how to behave,” Dana Eble, outreach manager for the Alzheimer’s Caregivers Network in Detroit, Michigan, told Fox News Digital.
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“Unfortunately, even the most well-meaning of interactions can lead to stress or confusion for someone experiencing cognitive decline.”
When communicating with a dementia patient, experts say it’s important to choose your language carefully and avoid certain phrases or questions, including the items on the list that follows.
Those suffering from cognitive decline can experience frequent changes in emotions and have less control over their feelings. (iStock)
1. ‘Don’t you remember?’
This topped the list as the worst question to ask someone with dementia, according to experts.
“This question can be frustrating or embarrassing for someone with dementia, as memory loss is a central symptom of their condition,” Timothy Frie, a nutritional neuroscientist in Atlanta, Georgia, who studies how traumatic stress causes neuroinflammation, told Fox News Digital.
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“It can make them feel inadequate or upset about their cognitive decline.”
Forcing the person to acknowledge that they don’t remember a memory or conversation can make them feel bad, added Christina Chartrand, the Florida-based vice president of Senior Helpers, a home care company that often helps dementia patients.
2. ‘Let me do that for you’
One of the hardest parts of having dementia is the daily realization of things that can no longer be done independently, according to Adria Thompson, a licensed speech-language pathologist in Massachusetts with 10 years of experience in dementia care.
It is best to avoid arguing or reasoning with someone with dementia, as it will likely anger and agitate them, experts said. (iStock)
“Often, well-meaning individuals might prematurely take over tasks without asking or assessing if they need to, which can diminish the person’s sense of autonomy,” she told Fox News Digital.
“Instead of assuming they can’t do something, it’s more respectful to offer help and let them tell you if they need it — and allow them to still do the things they can for as long as possible.”
3. ‘You’re wrong’
It is best to avoid arguing or reasoning with someone with dementia, as it will likely anger and agitate them, experts agreed.
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“People with dementia do not need to be corrected when they believe it’s Tuesday the 13th and not Monday the 1st,” Elizabeth Landsverk, M.D., a California-based geriatrician and founder of Dr Liz Geriatrics, an online education and support resource, told Fox News Digital.
“Keep the peace,” she advised. “It’s better than being right.”
4. ‘Would you like to make plans for next week?’
“As dementia patients lose their sense of time, they lose a frame of reference that would make this question meaningful to them,” said Leonie Rosenstiel, president of Dayspring Resources, Inc., in Albuquerque, New Mexico, which helps families of elders plan and cope with the problems of aging.
“Repeatedly pointing out that someone is repeating themselves can lead to feelings of frustration and self-consciousness” for that person, an expert said. (iStock)
“If you expect to do something with them at a particular time in the future, they will not be able to keep track of this appointment.”
To prevent frustration, Rosenstiel recommended ensuring that someone else can remember or write down the plans, and that those plans don’t conflict with activities such as medical appointments.
5. ‘You seem fine’
“Society often has a preconceived notion of what dementia looks and acts like, and if someone doesn’t fit that stereotype, it might seem tempting to use this phrase as a compliment,” noted Thompson.
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“However, this phrase can belittle the individual’s daily struggle and experiences.”
It’s important to be aware that symptoms and experiences can vary greatly among individuals with dementia, Thompson told Fox News Digital.
6. ‘I just told you that’ or ‘You already told me that’
Along the same lines of “Don’t you remember?” experts recommend not asking questions or making statements that are likely to upset the person.
Continually “pointing out that someone is repeating themselves can lead to feelings of frustration and self-consciousness,” said Frie.
“It’s better to gently redirect the conversation or respond as if it’s new information.”
Experts recommend not asking questions or making statements that are likely to upset the person. (iStock)
This is especially true in the middle stages of their disease, when patients may have moments when they know their brain isn’t working right, according to Jennifer Fink, a caregiver expert in California who facilitates support groups for the Alzheimer’s Association.
7. ‘How have you been feeling this week?’
This might seem like a natural question to ask if it’s been a week since you’ve visited a loved one or friend, and you’re trying to catch up.
Yet it could do more harm than good, Rosenstiel said.
“We ask each other questions like this all the time, but someone with dementia might not remember how they were feeling five minutes ago, let alone how they felt yesterday,” she warned.
“They might make something up, in an effort to satisfy you, or they might get frustrated or angry.”
“Instead of assuming they can’t do something, it’s more respectful to offer help and let them tell you if they need it — and allow people to still do the things they can for as long as possible,” an expert advised. (iStock)
8. ‘You’re not making any sense’
Criticizing dementia patients’ communication can damage their self-esteem and discourage them from expressing themselves, according to Michael Kramer, a long-term care educator and director of community relations for retirement residences that accommodate seniors with dementia.
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“Having patience and making an effort to understand their perspective helps to maintain their dignity and encourages open communication,” said Kramer, who is based in Ontario.
9. ‘Do you remember this?’
It’s best to avoid asking if the person recalls specific pieces of information, such a name or date or event, as it can put the person on the spot and feel like a test, experts said.
“Instead, start by introducing yourself,” Eble suggested — “something like, ‘Hey, Grandma, it’s Dana, your granddaughter!’ It might feel strange at first, but it will put your loved one at ease by reminding them of your name and connection to them.”
It’s best to avoid asking if the person recalls specific pieces of information, as it can put them on the spot and feel like a test, experts say. (iStock)
The same goes for events or memories, she said.
Instead of asking if they remember, start with “I remember when…” and then continue with your story.
“Those with dementia love reminiscing, but don’t frame it as a test of their memory,” Eble added.
10. ‘You’re being difficult on purpose’
This phrase is “hurtful and dismissive,” Kramer warned.
“It overlooks the fact that behavioral challenges are a result of the dementia itself, not intentional actions,” he said.
In some cases, phrasing activities as a question can cause confusion for a dementia patient, experts warned. (iStock)
“Using empathy and understanding instead of frustration is crucial in managing these situations.”
Labeling behavior as “difficult” can increase frustration and tension, Frie agreed.
“Understanding that challenging behaviors are often a symptom of the disease can help in responding with patience and empathy,” he said.
11. Using words like ‘bib’ or ‘diaper’
“As dementia progresses, caregivers may need to start using products to help with incontinence and/or to help make meal times easier,” Eble pointed out.
“Sometimes a limited choice is too much of an effort for a dementia patient.”
She recommended using positive language for these products, such as “protective underwear,” “cloth” or “apron.”
12. ‘Remember, she died last year, we went to the funeral…’
Reminding someone with dementia of the death of a loved one can be upsetting, as the person is likely not retaining this information, according to Kate Granigan, a geriatric social worker and president of the Aging Life Care Association Board in Boston.
Reminding someone with dementia of the death of a loved one can be upsetting, as the person is likely not to have retained this information. (iStock)
“This can trigger a grief response over and over again, as if the information is newly learned,” she told Fox News Digital.
Instead, she recommended saying something like, “It seems like you are really thinking about Uncle Harold today. Do you have a favorite memory from when you were kids?”
13. ‘That’s not how it happened’
“Dementia can cause confusion and altered perceptions of events,” said Kramer.
“Correcting someone sharply can increase their distress and confusion.”
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Instead, it’s better to validate their experiences and gently guide them rather than insisting on correctness, the expert recommended.
14. ‘Do you want to [insert activity]?’
In some cases, phrasing activities as a question can cause confusion for a dementia patient, according to Eble.
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“If you’re the primary caregiver in charge of your loved one’s toileting, showering, feeding or sleeping schedule, instead of asking ‘Do you want to,’ lead with ‘Let’s go to the [bathroom, shower, kitchen],’” she recommended.
“Adding that bit of direction will help maintain their schedule.”
15. ‘What would you like to wear today?’
Open-ended choices may leave a dementia patient confused or frustrated, noted Rosenstiel.
“They also might have no idea whether they’ll need a sweater or not, because they don’t remember what they heard on a weather report an hour ago,” she told Fox News Digital.
Open-ended choices may leave a dementia patient confused or frustrated, an expert advised. (iStock)
A more productive question might be, “Here’s a red sweater and a blue one. Which one would you rather wear?”
“Even then, sometimes a limited choice is too much of an effort for a dementia patient,” the expert said.
16. ‘Get your coat and shoes, grab your bag and meet me by the door’
Long sentences with multiple parts or commands can be overwhelming and confusing for someone with dementia, according to Granigan.
“It is more successful to provide one short direction or piece of information at a time,” she told Fox News Digital.
“Pause between each and guide the person through the task if needed before starting the next.”
Every day we’re faced with a zillion small choices: Go to sleep early, or watch one more episode of that Netflix drama. Call an old friend to catch up, or cruise social media. Of course, no single action will guarantee a long, healthy life or doom you to an early grave. But those little daily decisions do add up, and over the long term they can make a difference when it comes to both your longevity and your health span, the amount of life spent in relatively good health.
Scroll through this theoretical “day in the life” and select the option that best fits your typical day. Not every situation will apply perfectly, but think about which choice you’d be most likely to make. This isn’t a formal scientific assessment. The goal here isn’t to assign you a “good” or “bad” score, but to help you understand the central factors that shape the way we age and how long we live.
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A study from Harvard Medical School indicates natural selection has favored the red hair gene, resulting in a potential increase in the number of redheaded people as humanity continues to evolve.
By analyzing nearly 16,000 ancient genomes spanning 10,000 years, researchers identified a list of traits that nature is actively pushing forward. Among the most prominent were the genetic variants for red hair.
“Perhaps having red hair was beneficial 4,000 years ago, or perhaps it came along for the ride with a more important trait,” the authors noted.
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The study, published in the journal Nature, relied on a large database of ancient DNA from West Eurasia. Using new computing methods, the team was able to filter out random fluctuations in DNA to identify what it called “directional selection.”
Directional selection happens when a particular version of a gene gives an organism a strong survival or reproductive advantage, causing it to become more common in a population faster than it would by chance, according to experts.
Directional selection is when a specific gene provides such significant benefits that it rises in frequency across a population much faster than random chance. (iStock)
Prior to this study, scientists only knew of about 21 such instances in human history, one of which was lactose tolerance. This new research uncovered hundreds more.
“With these new techniques and a large amount of ancient genomic data, we can now watch how selection shaped biology in real time,” Ali Akbari, first author of the study and senior staff scientist in the lab of Harvard geneticist David Reich, said in a press release.
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The data showed that genetic markers for red hair are among 479 gene variants that have been strongly favored over the past 10,000 years. One likely explanation, the researchers said, is a major shift in human history: the transition to farming.
Scientists have long pointed to vitamin D synthesis as a likely driver for the rise of traits like fair skin and light hair. (iStock)
As humans moved away from hunting and gathering and settled into agricultural societies, their environment and behavior changed radically, triggering an evolutionary “acceleration.”
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While the Harvard study provides the first definitive statistical proof that red hair was actively selected during the rise of farming, the researchers noted that the exact prehistoric benefit still requires more study.
However, scientists have long pointed to vitamin D synthesis as a likely driver for the rise of these light-pigmented traits in northern climates.
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While redheads remain a minority of the global population today, the Harvard study’s analysis suggests that they may not be an evolutionary accident.
While redheads remain a minority of the global population today, the Harvard study’s analysis suggests they may not be an evolutionary accident. (iStock)
Instead, the red hair trait was “boosted” by natural selection as humans adapted to the challenges of a modern world, according to the researchers.
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The researchers urged caution in how these findings are interpreted.
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“What a variant is associated with now is not necessarily why an allele propagated,” the authors noted.
Dr. Megan Jack, a neurosurgeon in Cleveland, often works 60 or 70 hours a week. And she’s completely unavailable when she’s in the operating room. That makes it tough to be a caregiver for her 76-year-old mother, who lives in a separate unit on Dr. Jack’s property, 30 minutes away from the hospital.
To help care for her mother, who has Alzheimer’s disease, Dr. Jack uses an array of high-tech tools, some of which didn’t exist just a few years ago. She manages her mother’s medications with a smart pill box. She changes her television channels with an app, sends appointment reminders through a digital message board — and, with her mother’s blessing, uses cameras for communication and monitoring.
“It’s been invaluable that I can both make sure she’s safe and make sure everything is going well,” Dr. Jack said, “but also give her the independence and the freedom that she still deserves.”
America is aging rapidly. Roughly 11,000 people are turning 65 each day in the United States. And many of them — 75 percent of people over 50, according to AARP’s most recent survey, from 2024 — hope to spend their remaining years in the comfort of their homes, rather than in assisted-living or other care facilities.
One thing that could help fulfill those wishes is the budding field of “age tech,” which encompasses tools that support older adults. Industry experts say that age tech is making homes safer for older adults and is easing the minds of their caregivers, especially those who live far away or work outside the home.
Dr. Jack said that age tech had “really allowed me to integrate caregiving into my life, as opposed to caregiving taking over my life.”
The age tech boom
If older adults don’t have loved ones who are both close by and able to help, they might believe they don’t have a ton of options. They can live independently, or, if they can afford it and qualify medically, they can move to an assisted-living facility or a nursing home, without a lot of choices in between. In-home help can be expensive without Medicaid and can also be difficult to find, given the serious shortage of home care workers.
Age tech can help bridge some important gaps, said Emily Nabors, the associate director of innovation at the National Council on Aging, a nonprofit advocacy group. Already, AARP reports that 25 percent of caregivers are remotely monitoring their loved ones with apps, videos or wearables, nearly double the percentage from five years ago.
“We used to say homes are the health care settings of the future, but they really are health care settings now,” Ms. Nabors said. “Aging in place is very realistic.”
More than 700 companies are in AARP’s AgeTech Collaborative, a group that connects businesses, nonprofits and funders to help get new technologies off the ground. Altogether, the collaborative’s start-ups have raised nearly $1 billion in the past four years.
The products include smart walkers, glasses with lenses that provide real-time captions of conversations for those with hearing issues, and a concierge service that connects older people to drivers and deliveries, even if they don’t have a smartphone.
Ms. Nabors does foresee some affordability and access barriers to age tech, including the lack of high-speed internet in rural areas, but she said one vital resource would be local aging agencies, which can offer advice and, sometimes, free support.
Janet Marasa leaned on the agency near her home in Rockland County, N.Y., to get a free robotic pet for her mother, Carol DeMaio, 80, who has dementia. The pets, manufactured by a company called Joy for All, aim to offer emotional support without the upkeep.
Ms. DeMaio named the robotic dog Sabrina, after a golden retriever who died. The new Sabrina stays at the foot of her bed at night. As soon as Ms. DeMaio stirs awake, the dog reacts. “She said it gives her a reason to get up in the morning,” Ms. Marasa said.
The dog has been a boon to her, too. “It provides comfort and interaction that I can’t provide every second,” said Ms. Marasa, who lives with her mother but works full time for the county government. “It gives her something that she can feel like is totally her own.”
In Broward County, Fla., where the population of residents over 85 is expected to nearly triple over the next few decades, the local agency on aging has used state and federal money and private grants to provide technologies to nearly 4,000 of the county’s seniors at no cost.
Its offerings include a company that uses radar to sense falls and a program that allows seniors to make video calls through their televisions.
“The possibilities are endless,” Charlotte Mather-Taylor, the agency’s chief executive, said. “It’s pretty great to see all the new technology coming out so quickly, and I think that can only benefit our older population and also our caregivers.”
Here comes A.I.
Even technologies not specifically marketed as age tech can help older adults maintain their independence, said Laurie Orlov, founder of the blog Aging and Health Technology Watch. She pointed to video-calling and telehealth platforms; remotely controlled thermostats and lights; and smart speakers, doorbells and watches.
“All technology can be customized to help older adults stay longer in their homes and help their family members feel good about it, or at least tolerate it,” Ms. Orlov said.
That will only become more true with the continued proliferation of artificial intelligence, Ms. Orlov added. Some older adults are already using conversational A.I. to get answers about things like the weather or their medications. (Relying too heavily on A.I. can, however, have negative consequences because chatbots often give flawed medical advice and can lead patients astray.) A.I. can also assist in pattern detection: alerting caregivers to signals that might indicate declines in someone’s cognition or mental health, such as changing their speech pattern or leaving the house less frequently.
One A.I.-powered age tech tool is ElliQ, a tabletop companion robot that looks like a sleek silver desk lamp with a screen. About a year and a half ago, Camille Wolsonovich got one for free, thanks to a local nonprofit, for her 90-year-old father, Bill Castellano. He lives alone in a senior community.
Ms. Wolsonovich, who runs a consulting business, relies on ElliQ to lead her father in exercises and remind him to take his pills and drink water. The robot also asks her father about his sleep and mood via automated check-ins.
“Everything’s just another layer that gives us more confidence, from a caregiving standpoint, that he’s good,” Ms. Wolsonovich said. “I don’t have to necessarily track everything all the time and be overbearing.”
As for Mr. Castellano? He plays trivia digitally and converses daily with ElliQ. The robot, which has a friendly female voice, asks questions, cracks jokes and remembers his likes, dislikes and friends. “She’s great company,” he said. “Everybody around me wants one.”
What about ethical concerns?
Clara Berridge studies the ethics of age tech at the University of Washington.
She has many privacy concerns, namely that most direct-to-consumer products aren’t subject to medical privacy laws, despite being privy to sensitive health information. Though she hopes the federal government will eventually step in to regulate these products, as it has in other countries, the onus remains on the consumer for now.
And even if an age tech product isn’t selling mom’s personal data to the lowest bidder, Dr. Berridge said there’s still the question of whether certain tools are ethical.
“It’s really important for caregivers to recognize that using these new technologies that give them more information about someone can represent greater intrusion into someone’s life,” she said.
What may be well-intentioned monitoring could reveal information that an older adult would rather keep private, such as issues with incontinence, or the comings and goings of a romantic partner.
“It can lead to somebody feeling infantilized,” Dr. Berridge said. “Like there’s not a place to hide within your own home.”
Her research shows that adult children often underestimate how much their parents can understand about technology and how much they want to be involved in tech-related decisions.
She encouraged caregivers to have transparent conversations about privacy implications and to avoid ultimatums or the idea that any decision must be permanent. She said caregivers should put themselves in their parents’ shoes: Is this something they’d want their own children monitoring?
Dr. Berridge is working on an advanced directive for technology, which outlines older people’s wishes for how technology is used in their care. Ultimately, she hopes that questions about age tech will become a standard part of planning for the future.
“If you’re at the start of what, for many people, ends up being a long road of supporting someone potentially through the end of their life,” she said, “seeking to understand each other’s concerns and priorities better is time very well spent.”
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