Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!) 

Dear Pay Dirt,

I am a mid-30s single woman with no kids, and because of my credit score—low 500s—I feel like I am invisible. I don’t qualify for a credit card, I can’t rent a car, I can’t get an apartment without my parents co-signing. I have “modest” student loans—$38,000—that because of the CARES Act have finally come out of collections, but nothing on my credit score has changed.

I don’t know where to begin to resolve this, and I feel like I’m failing at life. I’m even embarrassed to seriously date anyone because of my financial status. I work in the restaurant industry in an expensive city, and so even though I make decent money, when it comes down to it I’m still living paycheck to paycheck. How do I get out of this?

—I Don’t Exist

Dear I Don’t Exist,

You are not alone. Millions of Americans are living paycheck to paycheck, and not because they’re irresponsible or have done anything wrong. There are probably many people you know who are struggling with similar issues, and you’re unaware of it because people are embarrassed to talk about financial struggles. We live in a country where people equate money with success and hard work, even though financial security is often determined by other factors, and there are plenty of people who work incredibly hard and still have trouble making ends meet.

There are also trade-offs we choose to make that mean forgoing options that might be financially more secure. If you work in the restaurant industry in an expensive city, I imagine you’re in a competitive job and that to some extent you enjoy it and the things that come with the expensive city, or you’d consider a move. It’s worth thinking about what these trade offs are, and how you value them—good and bad.

But also know that your situation is not unusual and try to be kinder to yourself. First, you should consider talking to a credit counselor. There are non-profits that specialize in helping people repair credit and get on track financially. I know it probably creates some anxiety for you to talk about these things, but having a plan will reduce your anxiety about it longer-term, and taking that first step will make you feel a lot better. When you have debt and no concrete plan for getting out of it, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and that the situation is insurmountable. Talking to a professional will help you envision and figure out a path out of it.

Lastly, you shouldn’t be embarrassed to date because you have debt. Lots of people have debt, and a date is not a lifelong commitment to combine assets. Just be upfront about your situation to anyone it seems like you might be developing feelings for—and not just as a matter of disclosure, but because it’s important to you and shapes how you’re making decisions in your life right now. There plenty of people out there who are potential partners who can sympathize with your situation, and anyone who can’t probably isn’t for you anyway.

—E.S.

From: I’m Worried The Government Will Force Me To Pay For My Stepkids’ College. (February 10th, 2022).

Dear Pay Dirt,

My spending habits are hard to categorize. I’m sometimes frugal and sometimes a splurger, depending on the situation. The only thing is I hate splurging when I don’t want to. This has come up recently with my new boyfriend. He loves to spend a lot of money on takeout. I don’t. I hate cooking, but I like getting the most bang out of my buck when I eat out, unless there is something I really, really like on the menu. I’d prefer just to get a main course, and then if I want an appetizer or more food, it would be something I bought from the store. My boyfriend really likes taking care of me, and that sometimes means he orders extra food.

The problem is we’ve started trading off who pays, and I don’t want to pay a ton for all the extra food he wants. This last time we picked up a to-go order, I was driving home and he had to order. He ordered a bunch of food, including an entire meal of fried rice (which I think is an absolutely idiotically overpriced dish) as a leftover. I’m fine with having leftovers from a meal, but not an entire dish.

This type of frugality just seems absolutely ridiculous when I say it out loud. We’re not going out right now, but we knew each other before the pandemic and he knows I’ve had no trouble in the past spending a ton of money at the bar and I still don’t. I just worry that financially I am somehow a minefield and telling him this is just going to be so confusing. On top of it, this isn’t just a preference (it always has been), it’s a necessity because of my current financial situation, and frankly, he doesn’t make a ton of money, so I don’t know how this isn’t an issue for him either.

I just feel like an overbearing girlfriend by saying “Hey, I don’t want us to spend a ton of money eating out.” Am I overthinking this? Do I just need to be open about this? How do I say this without making him feel bad about how he likes to spend his money?

—Am I Being a Weirdo?

Dear Am I Being a Weirdo,

Part of the reason this column exists is because people have a hard time talking about money, but everyone needs to be comfortable doing it. I understand your anxiety about discussing it because you don’t want to be perceived as cheap or arbitrary in your logic by someone you love.

But it sounds as if you’re living together, and when you’re cohabitating, I think money conversations are necessary. (And this would be true even if he was just your roommate and you were sharing food expenses.)

I would begin the conversation by saying that you realize your spending might sometimes seem random, but there are just certain types of expenses that make you anxious, and you’d like to find a way to handle the question of food expenses in a way that doesn’t make him feel deprived, and doesn’t make you feel like you’re wasting money on food you don’t need or want. There are a lot of different potential solutions. One is that you create a joint food budget and stick to it. Another is that you pick up individual tabs in restaurants. Yet another is that you plan, at the beginning of the week, to figure out how much you want to spend and where. Regardless, the point is to come to some agreement about what you both feel comfortable spending.

This also requires that you be empathetic to his position. Even if your boyfriend doesn’t make a lot of money, it could be that not having to think too much about buying food, specifically, is what makes him feel secure and comfortable. I had some food insecurity my freshman year of college and, perhaps as a result, I’m more likely to spend on extra food than anything else, now that I’m relatively stable. Of course, your boyfriend may just not be thinking about the issue very much, but people’s spending priorities are often shaped by their history of feeling financially secure or not. And he may be forgoing expenses in other areas because food is important to him.

But you won’t know either way, unless you talk about it. You both need to be open about your anxieties around the issue so you understand and can sympathize with each other’s spending habits and can come to some compromise.

—E.S.

From: I’m Really Concerned About My Daughter’s Strange Financial Arrangement With Her Boyfriend. (January 27th, 2022).

More Advice From Slate

I have two very young children with severe developmental disabilities who will need lifelong care. My brother has seen them twice for a few hours each time and never calls or emails. Recently we redid our wills and had to decide who we wished to be guardians of our kids if something were to happen to both my husband and me. Because of the physical strength needed to care for the kids, we decided it wouldn’t be right to ask the grandparents to take that on when my husband and I each have a brother. My brother-in-law is a great guy and agreed to be first in line. But our attorney suggested we name a second guardian just in case.