Finance
I’m a Single Woman Eager to Date. But My Terrible Financial Situation Will Send All My Suitors Running.
Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
I am a mid-30s single woman with no kids, and because of my credit score—low 500s—I feel like I am invisible. I don’t qualify for a credit card, I can’t rent a car, I can’t get an apartment without my parents co-signing. I have “modest” student loans—$38,000—that because of the CARES Act have finally come out of collections, but nothing on my credit score has changed.
I don’t know where to begin to resolve this, and I feel like I’m failing at life. I’m even embarrassed to seriously date anyone because of my financial status. I work in the restaurant industry in an expensive city, and so even though I make decent money, when it comes down to it I’m still living paycheck to paycheck. How do I get out of this?
—I Don’t Exist
Dear I Don’t Exist,
You are not alone. Millions of Americans are living paycheck to paycheck, and not because they’re irresponsible or have done anything wrong. There are probably many people you know who are struggling with similar issues, and you’re unaware of it because people are embarrassed to talk about financial struggles. We live in a country where people equate money with success and hard work, even though financial security is often determined by other factors, and there are plenty of people who work incredibly hard and still have trouble making ends meet.
There are also trade-offs we choose to make that mean forgoing options that might be financially more secure. If you work in the restaurant industry in an expensive city, I imagine you’re in a competitive job and that to some extent you enjoy it and the things that come with the expensive city, or you’d consider a move. It’s worth thinking about what these trade offs are, and how you value them—good and bad.
But also know that your situation is not unusual and try to be kinder to yourself. First, you should consider talking to a credit counselor. There are non-profits that specialize in helping people repair credit and get on track financially. I know it probably creates some anxiety for you to talk about these things, but having a plan will reduce your anxiety about it longer-term, and taking that first step will make you feel a lot better. When you have debt and no concrete plan for getting out of it, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and that the situation is insurmountable. Talking to a professional will help you envision and figure out a path out of it.
Lastly, you shouldn’t be embarrassed to date because you have debt. Lots of people have debt, and a date is not a lifelong commitment to combine assets. Just be upfront about your situation to anyone it seems like you might be developing feelings for—and not just as a matter of disclosure, but because it’s important to you and shapes how you’re making decisions in your life right now. There plenty of people out there who are potential partners who can sympathize with your situation, and anyone who can’t probably isn’t for you anyway.
—E.S.
From: I’m Worried The Government Will Force Me To Pay For My Stepkids’ College. (February 10th, 2022).
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My spending habits are hard to categorize. I’m sometimes frugal and sometimes a splurger, depending on the situation. The only thing is I hate splurging when I don’t want to. This has come up recently with my new boyfriend. He loves to spend a lot of money on takeout. I don’t. I hate cooking, but I like getting the most bang out of my buck when I eat out, unless there is something I really, really like on the menu. I’d prefer just to get a main course, and then if I want an appetizer or more food, it would be something I bought from the store. My boyfriend really likes taking care of me, and that sometimes means he orders extra food.
The problem is we’ve started trading off who pays, and I don’t want to pay a ton for all the extra food he wants. This last time we picked up a to-go order, I was driving home and he had to order. He ordered a bunch of food, including an entire meal of fried rice (which I think is an absolutely idiotically overpriced dish) as a leftover. I’m fine with having leftovers from a meal, but not an entire dish.
This type of frugality just seems absolutely ridiculous when I say it out loud. We’re not going out right now, but we knew each other before the pandemic and he knows I’ve had no trouble in the past spending a ton of money at the bar and I still don’t. I just worry that financially I am somehow a minefield and telling him this is just going to be so confusing. On top of it, this isn’t just a preference (it always has been), it’s a necessity because of my current financial situation, and frankly, he doesn’t make a ton of money, so I don’t know how this isn’t an issue for him either.
I just feel like an overbearing girlfriend by saying “Hey, I don’t want us to spend a ton of money eating out.” Am I overthinking this? Do I just need to be open about this? How do I say this without making him feel bad about how he likes to spend his money?
—Am I Being a Weirdo?
Dear Am I Being a Weirdo,
Part of the reason this column exists is because people have a hard time talking about money, but everyone needs to be comfortable doing it. I understand your anxiety about discussing it because you don’t want to be perceived as cheap or arbitrary in your logic by someone you love.
But it sounds as if you’re living together, and when you’re cohabitating, I think money conversations are necessary. (And this would be true even if he was just your roommate and you were sharing food expenses.)
I would begin the conversation by saying that you realize your spending might sometimes seem random, but there are just certain types of expenses that make you anxious, and you’d like to find a way to handle the question of food expenses in a way that doesn’t make him feel deprived, and doesn’t make you feel like you’re wasting money on food you don’t need or want. There are a lot of different potential solutions. One is that you create a joint food budget and stick to it. Another is that you pick up individual tabs in restaurants. Yet another is that you plan, at the beginning of the week, to figure out how much you want to spend and where. Regardless, the point is to come to some agreement about what you both feel comfortable spending.
This also requires that you be empathetic to his position. Even if your boyfriend doesn’t make a lot of money, it could be that not having to think too much about buying food, specifically, is what makes him feel secure and comfortable. I had some food insecurity my freshman year of college and, perhaps as a result, I’m more likely to spend on extra food than anything else, now that I’m relatively stable. Of course, your boyfriend may just not be thinking about the issue very much, but people’s spending priorities are often shaped by their history of feeling financially secure or not. And he may be forgoing expenses in other areas because food is important to him.
But you won’t know either way, unless you talk about it. You both need to be open about your anxieties around the issue so you understand and can sympathize with each other’s spending habits and can come to some compromise.
—E.S.
From: I’m Really Concerned About My Daughter’s Strange Financial Arrangement With Her Boyfriend. (January 27th, 2022).
More Advice From Slate
I have two very young children with severe developmental disabilities who will need lifelong care. My brother has seen them twice for a few hours each time and never calls or emails. Recently we redid our wills and had to decide who we wished to be guardians of our kids if something were to happen to both my husband and me. Because of the physical strength needed to care for the kids, we decided it wouldn’t be right to ask the grandparents to take that on when my husband and I each have a brother. My brother-in-law is a great guy and agreed to be first in line. But our attorney suggested we name a second guardian just in case.
HOLYOKE — The City Council has advanced plans to create a finance and administration department, voting to send proposed changes to a subcommittee for further review.
The move follows guidance from the state Division of Local Services aimed at strengthening the city’s internal cash controls, defining clear lines of accountability, and making sure staff have the appropriate education and skill level for their financial roles.
On Tuesday, Councilor Meg Magrath-Smith, who filed the order, said the council needed to change some wording about qualifications based on advice from the human resources department before sending it to the ordinance committee for review.
The committee will discuss and vote on the matter before it can head back to the full City Council for a vote. It meets next Tuesday. The next council meeting is scheduled for Jan. 20.
On Monday, Mayor Joshua Garcia said in his inaugural address that he plans to continue advancing his Municipal Finance Modernization Act.
Last spring, Garcia introduced two budget plans: one showing the current $180 million cost of running the city, and another projecting savings if Holyoke adopted the finance act.
Key proposed changes include realigning departments to meet modern needs, renaming positions and reassigning duties, fixing problems found in decades of audits, and using technology to improve workflow and service.
Garcia said the plan aims to also make government more efficient and accountable by boosting oversight of the mayor and finance departments, requiring audits of all city functions, enforcing penalties for policy violations, and adding fraud protections with stronger reporting.
Other steps included changing the city treasurer from an elected to an appointed position, a measure approved in a special election last January.
Additionally, the city would adopt a financial management policies manual, create a consolidated Finance Department and hire a chief administrative and financial officer to handle forecasting, capital planning and informed decision-making.
Garcia said that the state has suggested creating the CAFO position for almost 20 years and called on the City Council to pass the reform before the end of this fiscal year, so that it can be in place by July 1.
In a previous interview, City Council President Tessa Murphy-Romboletti said nine votes were needed to adopt the financial reform.
She also said past problems stemmed from a lack of proper systems and checks, an issue the city has dealt with since the 1970s.
The mayor would choose this officer, and the City Council will approve the appointment, she said.
In October, the City Council narrowly rejected the finance act in an 8-5 vote.
Supporters ― Michael Sullivan, Israel Rivera, Jenny Rivera, Murphy-Romboletti, Anderson Burgos, former Councilor Kocayne Givner, Patti Devine and Magrath-Smith ― said the city needs modernization and greater transparency.
Opponents ― Howard Greaney Jr., Linda Vacon, former Councilors David Bartley, Kevin Jourdain and Carmen Ocasio — said a qualified treasurer should be appointed first.
Vacon said then the treasurer’s office was “a mess,” and that the city should “fix” one department before “mixing it with another.”
The City Council also clashed over fixes, as the state stopped sending millions in monthly aid because the city hadn’t finished basic financial paperwork for three years.
The main problem came from delays in financial reports from the treasurer’s office.
Holyoke had a history of late filings. For six of the past eight years, the city delayed its required annual financial report, and five times in the past, the state withheld aid.
Council disputes over job descriptions, salaries and reforms also stalled progress.
In November, millions in state aid began flowing back to Holyoke after the city made some progress in closing out its books.
The state had withheld nearly $29 million for four months but even with aid restored, Holyoke still faces big financial problems, the Division of Local Services said.
Editor’s note: This is the fourth installment of New Year, New You, a weeklong look at your financial health headed into 2026.
You get your W-2 in January and realize you either owe thousands in taxes or get a massive refund. Both mean your withholding was wrong all year.
Most service members set their tax withholding once during in-processing and never look at it again. Life changes. You get married, have kids, buy a house or pick up a second job. Your tax situation changes, but your withholding stays the same.
Adjusting your withholding takes five minutes and can save you from owing the IRS or giving the government an interest-free loan all year.
Use the IRS Tax Withholding Estimator First
Before changing anything, run your numbers through the IRS Tax Withholding Estimator at www.irs.gov/individuals/tax-withholding-estimator. The calculator asks about your filing status, income, current withholding, deductions and credits. It tells you whether you need to adjust.
The calculator considers multiple jobs, spouse income and other factors that affect your tax bill. Running it takes about 10 minutes and prevents you from withholding too much or too little.
Read More: The Cost of Skipping Sick Call: How Active-Duty Service Members Can Protect Future VA Claims
Changing Withholding in myPay (Most Services)
Army, Navy, Air Force, Space Force and Marine Corps members use myPay at mypay.dfas.mil. Log in and click Federal Withholding. Click the yellow pencil icon to edit.
The page lets you enter information about multiple jobs, change dependents, add additional income, make deductions or withhold extra tax. You can see when the changes take effect on the blue bar at the top of the page.
Changes typically show up on your next pay statement. If you make changes early in the month, they might appear on your mid-month paycheck. If you make them later, expect them on the end-of-month check.
State tax withholding works differently. DFAS can only withhold for states with signed agreements. Changes require submitting DD Form 2866 through myPay or by mail. Not all states allow DFAS to withhold state tax.
Changing Withholding in Direct Access (Coast Guard)
Coast Guard members use Direct Access at hcm.direct-access.uscg.mil. The system processes changes the same way as myPay. Log in, navigate to tax withholding and update your information.
Coast Guard members can also submit written requests using IRS Form W-4. Mail completed forms to the Pay and Personnel Center in Topeka, Kansas, or submit them through your Personnel and Administration office.
Read More: Here’s Why January Is the Best Time to File Your VA Disability Claim
When to Adjust Withholding
Check your withholding when major life events happen. Marriage or divorce changes your filing status. Having kids adds dependents. Buying a house affects deductions. A spouse starting or stopping work changes household income.
Military-specific events matter, too. Deploying to a combat zone makes some pay tax-free. PCS moves change state tax situations. Separation from service means losing military income but potentially gaining civilian income.
Check at the start of each year, even if your circumstances seemingly stayed the same. Tax laws change. Brackets adjust for inflation. Your situation might be different even if it seems the same.
The Balance
Withholding too little means owing taxes in April plus potential penalties. Withholding too much means getting a refund but losing access to that money all year.
Some people like big refunds and treat it like forced savings. Others would rather have the money in each paycheck to pay bills, invest or set aside in normal savings.
Neither approach is wrong. What matters is that your withholding matches your tax situation and your preference for how you receive your money.
Run the estimator. Adjust your withholding. Check it annually. This simple process prevents tax surprises.
Previously In This series:
Part 1: 2026 Guide to Pay and Allowances for Military Service Members, Veterans and Retirees
Part 2: Understanding All the Deductions on Your 2026 Military Leave and Earnings Statements
Part 3: Should You Let the Military Set Aside Allotments from Your Pay?
Part 4: This Is the Best Thing to Do With Your 2026 Military Pay Raise
Stay on Top of Your Veteran Benefits
Military benefits are always changing. Keep up with everything from pay to health care by subscribing to Military.com, and get access to up-to-date pay charts and more with all latest benefits delivered straight to your inbox.
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