This is an opinion column.

Who knew it was an option to simply change the names of things that don’t belong to us?

The possibilities are endless. You don’t have to actually change anything. You just have to call it something else.

For personal reasons, I’d like to rename Tennessee “Dorkland.” No offense to actual dorks. For personal reasons, Tennesseans have called me worse.

I’ve never understood why Alabama, which presumably dares defend its rights of way, allows the Dorkland River to flow freely in and out of its borders. Maybe we should just call it the River Sticks. Because you cross it to get to hillbilly hell.

It’s freeing to rename things that annoy you. There’s a president, I mean precedent, for it. And bodies of water are a good start.

Lake Superior is in the state of Canada, for Pete’s sake. It should rightly be called Lake Inferior. And the Pacific Ocean sounds like some hippy dippy draft dodger with “bad feet.” Let’s call it the Ocean of American Might. That’ll make waves.

Most rivers in Alabama are named for Native American culture, and I like that, except in the case of the one mentioned above. Lakes, on the other hand, are generally named for Alabama Power execs or their mothers, lawyers, engineers or friends. I’d change them in a Reddy Kilowatt, to Atlantic, Ventnor and Marvin Gardens. Park Place and Boardwalk. You know. Monopoly properties.

I guess New Mexico has to change. But I’m sure smart people are already thinking that.

I’m curious, too, why we never bothered to name the moon. It’s there every night and it’s just … moon. It’s like calling your dog “Dog” or your kid “Kid.” We planted a flag in that thing, so give it a fitting name: Yankee Doodle Flashlight. Or is it a gaslight?

But before you can change the heavens you have to change the wrongs closer to home.

There’s an Alabama town called Cuba 11 miles west of Intercourse. Of course we can’t have that. Cuba, I mean. We’ll call it Foreplay instead.

An hour northeast of Needmore, a little less than an hour northwest of Smuteye, is the community of Little Texas. There are only about 1,200 people there, but they need to own it. Forget the Little, and just call them Texas. The state of Texas? We’ll call it West Smuteye.

Marshall County has an Egypt and an Arab (rhymes with Ahab). It’s probably why the county has the third-highest immigrant population rate in the state. Alabama has a Berlin, a Havana and a Rome — where all roads do not lead.

There’s the Abel community in Cleburne County, just across the Talladega National Forest from Waldo, if you know where to find Waldo. As the Bible tells us Abel was a loser, so that has to change. Just call it Cain.

For that matter, why don’t we change the names of names.

Alabama offensive coordinator Nick Sheridan has not earned the right to be Tuscaloosa’s Nick S. (or a paycheck 22 times the median household income in the state, but that’s another story). Let’s just call him Temp.

That singer from Alabama, India Ramey, is tearing up Nashville these days. She’s great. But I’m afraid we’re going to have to call her Indiana. For America’s sake.

Cuba Gooding Jr. must be Cuba Not-so-Gooding. And while I hate it for Tennessee Williams, he will now have to be Dorkland Williams. It’s not even fair.

But hey, I’m just calling ‘em what I see ‘em.

In a world where greed is godly, thought control is liberty and theocracy is religious freedom, a rose is whatever you want to call it.

John Archibald is a two-time Pulitzer winner who, in actuality, has nothing at all against the great state of Tennessee. Or Dorkland.

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (WSMV) – The Tennessee Department of Human Services (DHS) is facing a legal battle with the handling of its Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP).

The class action lawsuit accuses DHS of failing to process applications on time.

The lawsuit claims this caused hunger, malnutrition and financial hardship for applicants and participants.

The contributor joined the lawsuit filed by the Tennessee Justice Center.

Read the full lawsuit below:

Copyright 2025 WSMV. All rights reserved.

After a season that ended unlike any other in program history, Tennessee will begin its 2025 season in an unfamiliar spot, too: defending national champions.

On the heels of their first-ever College World Series title, the Vols begin another campaign of high expectations in a little more than a month. They’ll also start ranked highly in the polls.

TALK ABOUT IT IN THE ROCKY TOP FORUM

Tennessee debuted at No. 4 in the D1 Baseball Preseason Top 25 on Monday–32 days before it opens the season with a three-game series against Hofstra on Feb. 14 at Lindsey Nelson Stadium.

The Vols’ home field is currently under-going its next phase of construction. New stands were added down the third base line prior to last season and stadium will have a couple of other noticeable changes by first pitch. It will also have a new national championship banner.

Tennessee and eighth-year head coach Tony Vitello will have their work cut out for it in its defense of that crown, though and it will have to do it without some of the key pieces that helped earn it, including sluggers Christian Moore and Blake Burke. Third baseman Billy Amick and outfielders Kavares Tears and Dylan Dreiling are gone, as well as some big arms, including Drew Beam and A.J. Causey.

The Vols have some notable returners that were also paramount in their CWS run last June. Hunter Ensley, one of the heroes of Tennessee’s championship final triumph of Texas A&M, headlines the outfield and Dean Curley is back after a standout freshman campaign at shortstop.

Right-handed pitcher Nate Snead is the leader among the pitching staff.

MORE FROM VOLREPORT: Tennessee 2025 baseball schedule released

Several of the Vols’ opponents were included in the poll, too. In fact, the SEC was heavily represented, to little surprise.

The league is poised to continue its long-standing dominance of college baseball with nine teams ranked, including six teams in the top 10.

Texas A&M leads the way at No. 1, followed by LSU (3), Arkansas (5), Georgia (8) and Florida (10).

Vanderbilt (16), Mississippi State (18) and Texas (19) made up for the rest of the league’s representation in the poll.

All of those teams reached the postseason a year ago, with Texas A&M and Florida joining Tennessee in the CWS field in Omaha and the Vols will have to play a three-game series against five of the teams ranked in the top 25.