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Want to feel more loved? You’re probably going about it the wrong way

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Want to feel more loved? You’re probably going about it the wrong way

Sonja Lyubomirsky thinks the Valentine’s Day cards have it wrong. Most, argues the researcher, a distinguished professor of psychology at UC Riverside, say some variation of “I love you.”

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Shelf Help is a wellness column where we interview researchers, thinkers and writers about their latest books — all with the aim of learning how to live a more complete life.

“We think all the cards should say, ‘I feel loved by you.’ Or, ‘You make me feel loved,’” says Lyubomirsky, co-author of the recent book “How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most.”

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The difference is key, and vital, says Lyubomirsky, to our happiness. Being in love, for instance, is not the same as feeling loved, and “How to Feel Loved” documents the latter. For to feel loved is to truly be seen and embraced by another. It’s deeper, and greater, than passion. And we desire it.

Lyubomirsky, a longtime researcher in the field of happiness, together with Harry Reis, a dean’s professor in the University of Rochester’s department of psychology, have written a treatise on how to bring more compassion, acceptance and vulnerability to our relationships.

The bad news: We often go about it incorrectly. The good news: It’s fixable.

Sonja Lyubomirsky, co-author with Harry Reis of the book "How to Feel Loved."

Sonja Lyubomirsky, co-author with Harry Reis of the book “How to Feel Loved.”

(Taea Thale Photography )

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Too often, they write, we obsess over making ourselves more appealing to others — or more “lovable” — when we should be striving for stronger communication. “How to Feel Loved” outlines multiple mindsets to up our conversation game, each springing off of what they call the “sea-saw method.” Yes, “sea” rather than “see.” We unpack that and more with Lyubomirsky, below.

This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

A core tenant of the book is that sometimes we’re our own worst enemies. Things we think may help us feel more loved ultimately work against that goal.

Many of us are loved, but we don’t feel loved. Harry Reis and I created a survey expressly for the book, and we found that 70% reported wanting to feel more loved in at least one of their significant relationships, and 40% wanted to feel more loved by their romantic partner. That’s a problem. Feeling loved is so important to happiness. What are the barriers? Why don’t people feel more loved, and what do they do when they aren’t feeling loved? What we discovered through research is that we kind of go about it the wrong way. We think, “If I don’t feel loved, I need to change myself. I need to make myself more lovable. I need to get more attractive, richer, more accomplished and have more power, status, fame and beauty. I need to show the other person my wonderful qualities and hide my shortcomings and weaknesses.” It turns out that’s backward. That will not make us feel more loved. Our message is empowering. You don’t need to change yourself. You don’t need to change the other person. You just need to change the conversation.

I want to get into changing the conversation, but curious, is a reluctance to do so driven by a fear of rejection?

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There’s something called the vulnerability paradox. We think being vulnerable and admitting our mistakes will make people like us less. But actually, often people like us more. So that doesn’t mean just go tell everyone your weaknesses. A lot of emotional intelligence is involved here. You have to read the person — at what point to be a little vulnerable? But right now, I want to impress you with this interview. I want you to think I’m smart, knowledgeable and a good person. That might succeed in impressing you, and maybe you might admire me, but it’s not going to forge a connection. It’s really that vulnerability of going deeper that makes us feel more loved.

"How to Feel Loved" from Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis.

“How to Feel Loved” from Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis.

(Harper Collins Publishers)

So how do we go about that? What’s the first step in feeling more loved?

If you want to feel more loved, you need to make the other person feel loved first. How do you do that? You show genuine curiosity in their day, in their inner life and what they’re all about. We all crave that. The key to feeling loved is truly being known. If you’re hiding your shortcomings and only showing your highlight reel, you’re not going be known. So, Todd, let’s say you only show me very positive sides of you, and never anything vulnerable. Then I express love to you. How can you trust that? What am I loving? I’m just loving this little piece that’s being shown to me. So you’ll always wonder, “Oh, if they only knew A, B, C or D about me, they wouldn’t love me so much.” So the first step to make the other person feel loved is to show radical curiosity. For example, I’ll ask, “Tell me about the last time you cried.”

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And yet to ask that question — or to answer it — we need to feel that we’re in a safe space. The concept of radical curiosity seems to create that.

You feel safe because I’m really genuinely interested and I really care. We talk about the open-heart mindset, which is warmth and kindness. I really care about you. I believe in you. We call this the listening to learn mindset. I’m not just trying to respond or turn it back to me, like, “Oh, that reminds me of my story.” Most of us are not good listeners, me included, because we’re formulating an answer instead of just totally taking it in. Listen like you’re watching a film. When you’re watching a film, you’re just taking it in. You’re not formulating an answer when you’re watching a movie.

Some of these tips sound simple but they’re difficult to implement.

We have the “sea-saw” metaphor. The idea: Say you and I are talking. We’re sitting on opposite ends of an underwater “sea-saw.” The reason we’re underwater is because most of us is hidden. I only see the tip of you and you only see the tip of me. But when I’m showing curiosity in you, it’s as though I’m pressing down on my end of the “sea-saw.” I’m helping to lift you up and I see a little more of you. Then when you start talking, I don’t just listen to learn, I listen with warmth and acceptance — without judgment. That’s hard to do, because we’re all judgmental. But that lifts you up even more. Then this is the hard part, but the idea is you will reciprocate. Then you show interest in me and ask me questions and get me to open up. Feeling loved is being known, and you do that through a “sea-saw.” It’s a back and forth.

I like the “sea-saw” idea because a lot of times I get in my head, like, “Say something interesting.” But it’s really more about being interested?

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It’s incredibly hard to really cultivate curiosity in someone else’s inner life. It has to be genuine, but it really makes people feel seen, heard and loved. Remember the last time someone was so curious about you. Maybe you’re telling a story and they can’t wait for you to finish a sentence. They’re leaning in. Their eyes are bright. Charismatic people have that. It’s compelling. But we’re not going to feel loved if we don’t share something of ourselves with others, but you want to start small. Pacing is critical. You don’t want to overshare and trauma dump. Maybe start with a little thing. They say, “How are you?” Instead of saying fine, say, “I had a rough morning.” Or, “I’m struggling with a little thing today.” It doesn’t have to be negative. It can be, “I didn’t really like that movie that everyone loved.” That’s a little bit vulnerable.

And it’s letting go of a fear of being judged.

One of my favorite mindsets is the multiplicity mindset. It comes from trauma research. The idea is when we have a trauma in our life, it’s part of you, but it doesn’t define you. We’re a quilt of positive and negative traits. I’m generous at times, but sometimes I’m selfish and sometimes I’m loyal and sometimes I’m narcissistic. That’s true about me, and it’s true about everyone. But one trait doesn’t define us. So use a multiplicity lens when you’re talking to someone, and use it on yourself. Humans are messy, very complex, and full of bad and good traits. The opposite of that is to be judgmental. Being judgmental is something we have to overcome, so using a multiplicity lens takes some effort. So when you want to make someone feel loved, when they’re revealing something about themselves that they may be afraid to reveal, you make them feel accepted and that you see them in all that complexity. You feel loved when a person knows your secrets and still loves you.

And the book provides valuable insight into those moments when maybe you didn’t feel loved.

A couple of early readers of the book — we had finished the book but it wasn’t published yet — shocked me. They were both friends of mine. They said they loved it, but both of them decided to break up with their girlfriends after reading the book. One said to me, “I read your book and I realized she’s not sharing and I’m not sharing.” The other person said, “I realized my girlfriend stopped asking me questions.” We thought of this as prescriptive. “Here are the steps you can take.” They used it as a diagnostic. Were both of you sharing? Were both of you listening? Were both showing an open heart? And multiplicity: If you reveal something negative, is it seen with compassion? This really breaks it down. I don’t want people to break up with people, but if this sheds a light on a relationship, hopefully that means they can talk about it and improve it.

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A person embracing themself in a flowerbed

(Maggie Chiang / For The Times)

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Sam Neill, known for ‘Jurassic Park’ and ‘The Piano,’ dies at 78, his family says

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Sam Neill, known for ‘Jurassic Park’ and ‘The Piano,’ dies at 78, his family says

Sam Neill arrives at the premiere of “Apples Never Fall” on March 12, 2024, in Los Angeles.

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WELLINGTON, New Zealand — Sam Neill, a smoothly elegant and versatile actor whose career moved from art film to blockbuster as he dodged velociraptors in “Jurassic Park” to playing Holly Hunter’s husband in “The Piano,” has died. He was 78.

In 2023, Neill disclosed he had been diagnosed with angioimmunoblastic T-cell lymphoma, a rare type of non-Hodgkin lymphoma. Neill died on Monday in Sydney, according to a statement posted to the actor’s social media page.

His death was “sudden and unexpected,” the statement said, adding that he “remained cancer free” when he died. A cause of death wasn’t specified.

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“Sam was surrounded by family and passed with the dignity that has characterised his whole life,” his family wrote.

Actor came to world’s notice with ‘Dead Calm’ and ‘My Brilliant Career’

Neill was one of a host of actors and directors who achieved international fame after an explosion of Australian films that began in the late 1970s, a list that includes Paul Hogan, Mel Gibson, Geoffrey Rush, Russell Crowe, Jane Campion, Peter Weir and Gillian Armstrong. His range was remarkable, playing opposite Helena Bonham Carter in the Alan Ayckbourn comedy “Sweet Revenge” to chopping off Hunter’s finger in “The Piano” to poking his own eyes out in the sci-fi horror “Event Horizon.”

In “Omen III: The Final Conflict,” he played Damien the Antichrist and he also played Cardinal Thomas Wolsey in “The Tudors.”

The actor first came to the attention of international audiences in Armstrong’s 1979 film “My Brilliant Career,” which also introduced Judy Davis. He later appeared in Phillip Noyce’s “Dead Calm,” a classy thriller set at sea and co-starring the then-relatively unknown Nicole Kidman.

Neill twice co-starred with Meryl Streep, in Australian director Fred Schepisi’s “Plenty” and — again for Schepisi — in “A Cry in the Dark,” a film about the sensationalized aftermath of a dingo killing a baby in the Australian Outback. He earned an Emmy nomination for his performance in the title role of the 1998 miniseries “Merlin” and another as narrator of 2017’s “Wild New Zealand.”

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Like ‘rotten flesh’? Thousands rush to whiff double corpse flower at Huntington

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Like ‘rotten flesh’? Thousands rush to whiff double corpse flower at Huntington

The Huntington’s long-awaited stink has arrived. Two corpse flowers nicknamed Odora and Odorysseus have bloomed at the San Marino conservatory, drawing thousands for the rare occasion and quickly surpassing last year’s numbers.

Corpse flowers have been a staple of the Huntington since 1999, when the garden exhibited its first corpse flower. Native to Sumatra, Indonesia, these plants are endangered in the wild and only bloom for 24 to 48 hours every few years. Once bloomed, they reek of rotting flesh.

As the day goes on, these smelly specimens will close back up and collapse, losing their infamously rotten odor.

The double bloom this summer was “definitely a surprise,” said Brandon Tam, the Huntington’s associate curator of orchids. The last time multiple corpse flowers bloomed on the same day at the Huntington was in 2018.

“We knew that Odorysseus was going to bloom probably Sunday,” Tam said. “But what surprised us was that we saw that Odora was opening just a few hours after.”

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As an “inflorescence” — a plant structure containing hundreds of male and female flowers at the base — the plant usually staggers its bloom to avoid self-pollination.

A developmental irregularity caused Odora’s spadix to cave in, but the plant remains healthy, said Brandon Tam, the associate curator of orchids at the Huntington.

(Kayla Bartkowski / Los Angeles Times)

Jaime Holmes from San Gabriel holds her nose in front of the blooming corpse flowers.

Jaime Holmes from San Gabriel holds her nose in front of the blooming corpse flowers.

(Kayla Bartkowski / Los Angeles Times)

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But sometimes, “these plants have a mind of their own,” Tam said.

Climate factors can influence when they bloom. Tam said Southern California’s recent high humidity may have signaled a prime environment for the plants to unfurl.

Visitors may have noticed that Odorysseus’ spadix — the conic protrusion emerging upward from the plant — was much taller than Odora’s, which had caved in. Tam said Odora’s spadix was a developmental irregularity, but emphasized the plant remains healthy.

“It just looks a little different — completely normal,” Tam said. “When it reblooms for us in three to four years, it’ll look just perfectly fine.”

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At the time of the bloom, Odorysseus measured 71 inches in height, and Odora measured 41.

As of 8:51 a.m., the Huntington recorded over 5,700 reservations, said Keisha Raines, the Huntington’s assistant director of news and media relations. That number easily surpassed last year’s bloom, which drew about 4,900 visitors. It also excludes walk-ins and any more reservations made throughout the day.

Parking lots quickly filled inside the Huntington, forcing some visitors to park on the streets outside.

Raines thinks the rare double bloom influenced the spike in reservations. She also believes general awareness of the corpse flower increases each summer.

“It’s kind of lore,” Raines said. “It’s just continuing to build, and more people want to see it.”

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Inside the conservatory, eager sniffers took selfies and marveled at the plants’ size and smell. Outside, the line ran all throughout the walkways, extending past the exit.

Ventura resident Michelle Shock and her 8-year-old daughter, Fable, initially came to the Huntington for a tea party at the Rose Garden, and dressed for the part in light-colored, semi-formal dresses. They scheduled the party two weeks ago and got lucky when they heard the corpse flowers were in bloom on the same day.

“I’ve always wanted to see one,” Shock said while waiting in line. “I think the last time I knew of one blooming was when I was pregnant with her. We were up in the Bay, and I missed it. So here we are now, together, which is better.”

Gastonia Goodman, 72, peers through the window at the blooming corpse flowers.

Gastonia Goodman, 72, peers through the window at the blooming corpse flowers.

(Kayla Bartkowski / Los Angeles Times)

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Fable predicted the plants would smell like “rotten flesh from Minecraft.” Shock guessed they’d smell like forgotten meat in a broken freezer or animal remains on a farm.

For spouses Jennifer Kraus and Abigail Cruz, the plants smelled like rotten garbage.

“It was pretty ripe,” Kraus said. “Totally enjoyed it though.”

The couple drove two hours from the Inland Empire to catch the bloom, which had been on Cruz’s bucket list.

“The minute that we saw it on Facebook, [Kraus] started following it and making sure that we’re here when it had bloomed,” Cruz said.

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They were among the first to arrive, so the wait was short. “We were here at o-dark-30 this morning, ready to go,” Kraus said.

North Hollywood resident Lilla Saito took two hours off work to witness the corpse flowers for the first time and tracked the livestream every day, “just waiting for it to bloom.” Saito stood in line for about 45 minutes to catch a whiff, which Saito said “smelled like a trash room.”

It was Paige Patino’s first bloom too. Patino lives 10 minutes away from the Huntington and wore a T-shirt with flowers on it for the occasion. It was “really cool” to “see both of them active,” Patino said.

For Tam, this year’s stench ranks in the top three. He thinks each individual plant stinks more than previous blooms, but on top of that, he said: “The fact that we have two in bloom makes it stinkier.”

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States sue to stop Paramount-Warner Bros blockbuster merger

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States sue to stop Paramount-Warner Bros blockbuster merger

California Attorney General Rob Bonta is one of several attorneys general seeking to stop the merger of Paramount and Warner Bros. Discovery.

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A dozen states, led by California, are suing to block Paramount from buying Warner Bros. Discovery in a Hollywood mega-merger that would unite some of the nation’s largest movie studios, television newsrooms, and other entertainment properties.

“The unlawful merger of these two entertainment behemoths would lead to higher prices, lower quality, and less content for film and television, harming movie theaters, basic cable distributors, and ultimately, audiences on every sofa and movie theater seat in the U.S.,” California Attorney General Rob Bonta said in a statement announcing the suit, which was filed in federal court in California’s Northern District.

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The deal would give a wealthy family that has taken pains to show its allegiance to President Trump the effective ownership of the companies’ competing movie studios, streamers (Paramount+ and HBO Max), sports programming (CBS Sports and Turner Sports) and news divisions (CBS News and CNN) as well as a suite of cable channels, such as Comedy Central, VH1, MTV, TNT, TBS, HGTV and Discovery, among others.

The president has repeatedly praised Larry and David Ellison, the digital titan and his son who are the controlling owners of Paramount. And he has publicly urged the sale of Warner’s CNN to new owners.

“We’re trying to have CNN go in a normal path,” Trump told CNN anchor Jake Tapper yesterday at the end of an interview about the late Sen. Lindsey Graham.

In his statement Monday, Bonta said, “With this lawsuit, California and our sister states are fighting for free and fair markets, not rigged markets. America has no kings in government or our economy.”

Paramount is inviting in sovereign wealth funds from Saudi Arabia, Qatar and the United Arab Emirates as major investors who will forego voting rights. The financing proposal also envisions that the company will take on $80 billion in new debt. That will assuredly trigger major cuts throughout the combined company. Warner dramatically reduced its own debt after slashing budgets, but is still tens of billions of dollars in the red, which helped set the stage for Paramount’s unsolicited bid.

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Bonta sees “red flags”

In late June, Bonta told MS NOW’s Jacob Sobroff that the deal presented “red flags in the air everywhere.” The acquisition is valued at approximately $111 billion, including debt and major (though nonvoting) investment stakes from Saudi and other sovereign wealth funds. Bonta has armed his office for potentially costly legal battles by hiring a new batch of lawyers, including some who left the U.S. Justice Department after Trump took office a second time. He also secured new funds from the state legislature specifically for antitrust enforcement.

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