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Want to feel more loved? You’re probably going about it the wrong way

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Want to feel more loved? You’re probably going about it the wrong way

Sonja Lyubomirsky thinks the Valentine’s Day cards have it wrong. Most, argues the researcher, a distinguished professor of psychology at UC Riverside, say some variation of “I love you.”

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Shelf Help is a wellness column where we interview researchers, thinkers and writers about their latest books — all with the aim of learning how to live a more complete life.

“We think all the cards should say, ‘I feel loved by you.’ Or, ‘You make me feel loved,’” says Lyubomirsky, co-author of the recent book “How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most.”

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The difference is key, and vital, says Lyubomirsky, to our happiness. Being in love, for instance, is not the same as feeling loved, and “How to Feel Loved” documents the latter. For to feel loved is to truly be seen and embraced by another. It’s deeper, and greater, than passion. And we desire it.

Lyubomirsky, a longtime researcher in the field of happiness, together with Harry Reis, a dean’s professor in the University of Rochester’s department of psychology, have written a treatise on how to bring more compassion, acceptance and vulnerability to our relationships.

The bad news: We often go about it incorrectly. The good news: It’s fixable.

Sonja Lyubomirsky, co-author with Harry Reis of the book "How to Feel Loved."

Sonja Lyubomirsky, co-author with Harry Reis of the book “How to Feel Loved.”

(Taea Thale Photography )

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Too often, they write, we obsess over making ourselves more appealing to others — or more “lovable” — when we should be striving for stronger communication. “How to Feel Loved” outlines multiple mindsets to up our conversation game, each springing off of what they call the “sea-saw method.” Yes, “sea” rather than “see.” We unpack that and more with Lyubomirsky, below.

This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

A core tenant of the book is that sometimes we’re our own worst enemies. Things we think may help us feel more loved ultimately work against that goal.

Many of us are loved, but we don’t feel loved. Harry Reis and I created a survey expressly for the book, and we found that 70% reported wanting to feel more loved in at least one of their significant relationships, and 40% wanted to feel more loved by their romantic partner. That’s a problem. Feeling loved is so important to happiness. What are the barriers? Why don’t people feel more loved, and what do they do when they aren’t feeling loved? What we discovered through research is that we kind of go about it the wrong way. We think, “If I don’t feel loved, I need to change myself. I need to make myself more lovable. I need to get more attractive, richer, more accomplished and have more power, status, fame and beauty. I need to show the other person my wonderful qualities and hide my shortcomings and weaknesses.” It turns out that’s backward. That will not make us feel more loved. Our message is empowering. You don’t need to change yourself. You don’t need to change the other person. You just need to change the conversation.

I want to get into changing the conversation, but curious, is a reluctance to do so driven by a fear of rejection?

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There’s something called the vulnerability paradox. We think being vulnerable and admitting our mistakes will make people like us less. But actually, often people like us more. So that doesn’t mean just go tell everyone your weaknesses. A lot of emotional intelligence is involved here. You have to read the person — at what point to be a little vulnerable? But right now, I want to impress you with this interview. I want you to think I’m smart, knowledgeable and a good person. That might succeed in impressing you, and maybe you might admire me, but it’s not going to forge a connection. It’s really that vulnerability of going deeper that makes us feel more loved.

"How to Feel Loved" from Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis.

“How to Feel Loved” from Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis.

(Harper Collins Publishers)

So how do we go about that? What’s the first step in feeling more loved?

If you want to feel more loved, you need to make the other person feel loved first. How do you do that? You show genuine curiosity in their day, in their inner life and what they’re all about. We all crave that. The key to feeling loved is truly being known. If you’re hiding your shortcomings and only showing your highlight reel, you’re not going be known. So, Todd, let’s say you only show me very positive sides of you, and never anything vulnerable. Then I express love to you. How can you trust that? What am I loving? I’m just loving this little piece that’s being shown to me. So you’ll always wonder, “Oh, if they only knew A, B, C or D about me, they wouldn’t love me so much.” So the first step to make the other person feel loved is to show radical curiosity. For example, I’ll ask, “Tell me about the last time you cried.”

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And yet to ask that question — or to answer it — we need to feel that we’re in a safe space. The concept of radical curiosity seems to create that.

You feel safe because I’m really genuinely interested and I really care. We talk about the open-heart mindset, which is warmth and kindness. I really care about you. I believe in you. We call this the listening to learn mindset. I’m not just trying to respond or turn it back to me, like, “Oh, that reminds me of my story.” Most of us are not good listeners, me included, because we’re formulating an answer instead of just totally taking it in. Listen like you’re watching a film. When you’re watching a film, you’re just taking it in. You’re not formulating an answer when you’re watching a movie.

Some of these tips sound simple but they’re difficult to implement.

We have the “sea-saw” metaphor. The idea: Say you and I are talking. We’re sitting on opposite ends of an underwater “sea-saw.” The reason we’re underwater is because most of us is hidden. I only see the tip of you and you only see the tip of me. But when I’m showing curiosity in you, it’s as though I’m pressing down on my end of the “sea-saw.” I’m helping to lift you up and I see a little more of you. Then when you start talking, I don’t just listen to learn, I listen with warmth and acceptance — without judgment. That’s hard to do, because we’re all judgmental. But that lifts you up even more. Then this is the hard part, but the idea is you will reciprocate. Then you show interest in me and ask me questions and get me to open up. Feeling loved is being known, and you do that through a “sea-saw.” It’s a back and forth.

I like the “sea-saw” idea because a lot of times I get in my head, like, “Say something interesting.” But it’s really more about being interested?

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It’s incredibly hard to really cultivate curiosity in someone else’s inner life. It has to be genuine, but it really makes people feel seen, heard and loved. Remember the last time someone was so curious about you. Maybe you’re telling a story and they can’t wait for you to finish a sentence. They’re leaning in. Their eyes are bright. Charismatic people have that. It’s compelling. But we’re not going to feel loved if we don’t share something of ourselves with others, but you want to start small. Pacing is critical. You don’t want to overshare and trauma dump. Maybe start with a little thing. They say, “How are you?” Instead of saying fine, say, “I had a rough morning.” Or, “I’m struggling with a little thing today.” It doesn’t have to be negative. It can be, “I didn’t really like that movie that everyone loved.” That’s a little bit vulnerable.

And it’s letting go of a fear of being judged.

One of my favorite mindsets is the multiplicity mindset. It comes from trauma research. The idea is when we have a trauma in our life, it’s part of you, but it doesn’t define you. We’re a quilt of positive and negative traits. I’m generous at times, but sometimes I’m selfish and sometimes I’m loyal and sometimes I’m narcissistic. That’s true about me, and it’s true about everyone. But one trait doesn’t define us. So use a multiplicity lens when you’re talking to someone, and use it on yourself. Humans are messy, very complex, and full of bad and good traits. The opposite of that is to be judgmental. Being judgmental is something we have to overcome, so using a multiplicity lens takes some effort. So when you want to make someone feel loved, when they’re revealing something about themselves that they may be afraid to reveal, you make them feel accepted and that you see them in all that complexity. You feel loved when a person knows your secrets and still loves you.

And the book provides valuable insight into those moments when maybe you didn’t feel loved.

A couple of early readers of the book — we had finished the book but it wasn’t published yet — shocked me. They were both friends of mine. They said they loved it, but both of them decided to break up with their girlfriends after reading the book. One said to me, “I read your book and I realized she’s not sharing and I’m not sharing.” The other person said, “I realized my girlfriend stopped asking me questions.” We thought of this as prescriptive. “Here are the steps you can take.” They used it as a diagnostic. Were both of you sharing? Were both of you listening? Were both showing an open heart? And multiplicity: If you reveal something negative, is it seen with compassion? This really breaks it down. I don’t want people to break up with people, but if this sheds a light on a relationship, hopefully that means they can talk about it and improve it.

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A person embracing themself in a flowerbed

(Maggie Chiang / For The Times)

Lifestyle

4 ways to design a dreamy summer, according to a happiness expert

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4 ways to design a dreamy summer, according to a happiness expert

Denis Novikov/Getty Images

I tend to romanticize summer. The movies and TV shows I grew up with made me think that the season was about adventure and big-time transformation.

I imagined myself building a tight-knit friend group and getting out of a pickle together, like in The Sandlot or Camp Nowhere. Or traveling across the world, say, to Greece, like Lena Kaligaris, a character in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, having a whirlwind summer romance and returning an entirely different person.

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I’ve never actually had a summer like that.

Even when your expectations are more modest than mine, “so often, the summer just flies by, and we haven’t taken the picnics or gone for the day trip or whatever it was that we thought we were gonna do,” says happiness expert Gretchen Rubin.

Rubin, author of The Happiness Project and host of the podcast Happier With Gretchen Rubin, has been sharing ideas on social media about how to make the season more memorable and satisfying.

She walks through four exercises to help you get what you want — and more — out of the season. Print out our worksheet here, fill it out and stick it on your fridge to keep you accountable. Or take a screenshot and post it to Instagram (don’t forget to tag @NPRLifeKit!).

🍑 Give your summer a theme

Pick a single word or phrase that you want to embrace this season — something that captures the feeling you want to have over the next few months.

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“My theme for the summer is ‘ketchup,’” Rubin says. “It has a kind of a summer feeling, because you think of putting ketchup on your burger.”

“It’s a metaphor,” she says. It means to look for “whatever I could add [this season] to make something elevated and more fun.”

Meanwhile, my theme word this summer is “juice.” I no longer think that I need to travel far or completely transform to have a delicious summer. I just need to take advantage of the abundance that the season offers: ripe peaches and tomatoes, juicy softball pitches and the opportunity to feel juicy in my body when I wear a bathing suit.

My Dream Summer worksheet to print.

Print out our worksheet here, fill it out and stick it on your fridge to keep you accountable. Or take a screenshot and post it to Instagram (don’t forget to tag @NPRLifeKit!).

Malaka Gharib/NPR


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🪣 Create a summer bucket list

What do you want to do this summer? On my bucket list: ride the Ferris wheel at a summer fair, have more barbecues at my parents’ house and see the sunrise at least once.

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After the Eaton fire, ‘In the Gardens of Eaton’ finds unexpected beauty in loss

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After the Eaton fire, ‘In the Gardens of Eaton’ finds unexpected beauty in loss

Night is falling in Altadena as bats circle, peacocks wail and photographer Kevin Cooley tries to capture what’s left of a tree.

Using strobes and a long exposure time to allow the maximum amount of available light to hit his lens, Cooley snags about 50 shots of the 20-foot-tall tree, which stands vigil over a street where nearly all the homes burned. The tree’s limbs were lopped off in the wake of January 2025’s Eaton fire, which ravaged Altadena and part of Pasadena, but all these months after the fire, there’s new growth on the tree.

Photographer Kevin Cooley sets up a camera to take photos for his series.

(Jason Armond / Los Angeles Times)

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Little tufts of green leaves have emerged from the raw cuts where the burned branches once were, proving the tree to be more resilient than its otherwise relatively stark exterior might suggest.

A fine art and news photographer for decades, Cooley, 51, is using pictures like the one he snapped of the tree as part of his new project, “In the Gardens of Eaton.” A collection of 6,000 photos and counting that Cooley has taken around Altadena on wild lots where homes once stood, “In the Gardens of Eaton” aims to capture bits of natural beauty that have endured despite the ravages of the fire and its aftermath.

Cooley has lived in Altadena since 2000 and he knew his neighbors well. He started working on the photo project several months after losing his home in the fire. He’d enlisted a group called Samaritan’s Purse to come up to his lot, where he’d found a metal flat file he’d used to store his photographic prints. Cooley was hopeful some had survived, but when the group popped it open, he says it quickly became clear that the burning metal had acted somewhat like an oven, burning almost everything inside to a charred crisp.

A ponytail palm on Athens Street at dusk.

A ponytail palm on Athens Street photographed for Kevin Cooley’s “In the Gardens of Eaton.”

(Kevin Cooley)

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One piece Cooley could identify, though, was a 2020 copy of Wired magazine for which he’d shot the cover. It featured a swirling plume of smoke, accompanying the story “The West’s Infernos Are Melting Our Sense of How Fire Works,” and the irony wasn’t lost on him.

“You could still kind of make out the word Wired across the top of the masthead and something about that just blew me away,” Cooley says. “It’s as if the whole thing had come full circle. I immediately wanted to photograph it in the same way I had originally photographed the smoke, which was in a studio with lighting, and I guess that made something click for me. I started feeling like there was a way to make something positive after the fire, and that’s when I started spending more time back in Altadena.”

Driving around town, looking at the lots and the wreckage, Cooley says he started to notice the bits of nature that were trying to persevere. He spotted a begonia poking through a burned fence on his neighbor’s property and snapped a photo, and soon he was accumulating more and more similar images. Cooley says if you’d told him before the fire he’d be taking so many pictures of flowers, he’d have scoffed, but now images like one he captured recently of a group of blooming roses in front of a cluster of dead vines remind him that perseverance is possible no matter the odds.

Photographer Kevin Cooley poses for a portrait in a gallery.

Cooley stands in front of some of his photos on display in a gallery in Culver City.

(Jason Armond / Los Angeles Times)

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“It’s inspiring what nature is doing up there,” Cooley says. “We live in this environment where fire is very much part of the ecology, but people’s gardens are also pushing through. Nonnative species and native species are both there. And people are planting more wildflowers, and it feels cathartic. It’s making me excited to rebuild too, because I really can’t wait to get back.”

Letizia Ragusa, an Altadena resident who lost her home, says Cooley shot her flower-filled lot without her even knowing it. Before the fire, her yard was a wonderland of 16 fruit trees, a koi pond and both a vegetable and an herb garden. All of that was lost in the blaze. As a method of coping and of shoring up the land, Ragusa enlisted a Sierra Madre company called Hardy Californians to plant a remediation seed mix across her lot.

El Molino geraniums captured for Cooley's “In the Gardens of Eaton.”

El Molino geraniums captured for Cooley’s “In the Gardens of Eaton.”

(Kevin Cooley)

Seeing the native plants and flowers begin to pop up on her lot was important, Ragusa says. She’s been living in a rental with her family since the fire, and there’s no yard or room for a garden.

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“It’s just really comforting to me to have some sense of control when everything else feels so out of control right now,” Ragusa says. “At least I have this little piece of land that I can plant things on and I know it’s what’s going to happen. It’s very predictable, and I also think it makes other people happy. I see people driving and walking by that stop to look at it. And our neighbors have all commented on it too, so that’s nice.”

The pictures Cooley took on Ragusa’s property were of rows of pink and purple native flowers and sunflowers set amid city lights and a dreamy sunset. Ragusa says they’re surreal and beautiful.

“It’s outdoor photography, but with a studio element,” she says, noting that she’s especially open to Cooley’s process because she’s an artist herself, previously producing ceramics and sculpture from a home studio that she also lost.

Cooley works sets up lights for a recent photo shoot.

Cooley works sets up lights for a recent photo shoot.

(Jason Armond / Los Angeles Times)

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While the initial photos Cooley took of her yard were from the street and her driveway, she’s since given him permission to go deeper into her lot. It’s something Cooley says is important to him because he knows firsthand that a lot of people’s lots are what he calls “hallowed ground.”

Most of the pictures Cooley has taken so far have been from a distance, though he has set up his equipment near the end of people’s driveways to get a good photo. As word of Cooley’s project has gotten around Altadena — with one resident posting a photo of him on their lot captured via trail cam to a local Facebook group, looking for more information — more and more people have expressed an openness to having him come shoot their gardens.

Honeysuckle on Via Maderas captured for “In the Gardens of Eaton.”

Honeysuckle on Via Maderas captured for “In the Gardens of Eaton.”

(Kevin Cooley)

Cooley has created a Google Form for interested residents to use and he keeps a spreadsheet of the responses in a clipboard on his car’s dashboard. When he’s at a loss for what to shoot next, he’ll glance at it, mentally mapping out addresses in his mind and looking at resident-submitted descriptions of their lots, which include phrases like “We don’t have much left, but we saved our banana plant” and “[Our house] made me into the gardener I am and I adorned her in plants.”

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Cooley says he intends to shoot photos for all the owners who have responded to his Google Form, hoping to gift them prints when the project is complete. Starting in July, he’s headed to Portugal for a six-month art fellowship, but says he plans to continue the photo project later. Cooley would also like to produce an art book of his favorite photos from the project.

He’s also aware that, in some respects, he’s up against a time limit in terms of what he can shoot. He says he spent the beginning part of the project “rushing against the Army Corps” as they were clearing lots, and now he’s trying to photograph rough-and-tumble lots full of nature before their owners level them and start to rebuild.

Calaveras Roses at nighttime.

Calaveras roses photographed for “In the Gardens of Eaton.”

(Kevin Cooley)

Sometimes, Cooley says, he had to shoot on lots where he hadn’t known the owner. When he started the project, he made an effort to track down who lived on the property before he set up his camera, but the process was surprisingly arduous and he’d often lose his intended shot as flowers or plants died or changed shape.

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“It wasn’t practical,” Cooley says. “It’s not that I didn’t want to, but I just couldn’t figure it out. I will eventually, though, and then I’ll be able to present people with a photograph when they’re back in their new homes.

“I just think Altadena is a special place,” he says on a spring day. “Six months ago, it was so depressing to come up here, but now it’s not. It’s still emotional, of course, but seeing all the rebuilding, it’s clear that people see value in being here, even now. When all this is done, if Altadena is even 50% or 75% as special as it was before, it’ll still be great.”

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Working hard as ever, Wendell Pierce aims for an annual trifecta: TV, film and theater

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Working hard as ever, Wendell Pierce aims for an annual trifecta: TV, film and theater

Wendell Pierce stars in Othello at the Shakespeare Theatre Company in Washington, D.C.

Teresa Castracane


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Teresa Castracane

Wendell Pierce says there’s a joke actors have about the five stages of their careers:

“There’s ‘Who is Wendell Pierce?’ ‘Get me Wendell Pierce.’ ‘Get me someone like Wendell Pierce.’ ‘Get me a younger Wendell Pierce.’ And then the last and final and fifth stage is: ‘Who is Wendell Pierce?’” he says.

After starring roles on The Wire and Treme, and a 2023 Tony Award nomination as the first Black actor to play Willy Loman in the Broadway revival of Death of a Salesman, Pierce is working as hard as ever. He says he’s motivated by the “ticking clock of mortality” — but also by the desire to challenge himself as an actor.

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Though many entertainers shy away from the label “journeyman actor,” Pierce proudly embraces the term: “It’s not just to go from job to job, but [to] be intentional about the jobs I take,” he says. “I try to do the trifecta, as I call it — television and film and theater — every year.”

Pierce currently plays a captain on CBS’ Elsbeth and a CIA officer in the film Tom Clancy’s Jack Ryan: Ghost War. He’s also starring in the Shakespeare Theatre Company production of Othello in Washington, D.C.

Pierce likens tackling Shakespeare to detective work. First, he says, there’s the “mining the text for all of its understanding and everything that Shakespeare is telling you not only about the characters, but how to portray them and what’s happening.”

More than that, though, there’s also the emotional aspect of connecting with the character — and the physical and vocal strength required of a three-hour production. “The challenge is physical, it’s intellectual, and it’s emotional, and that’s the great thing about doing Shakespeare, and even specifically doing Othello,” Pierce says. “I always think of these … iconic roles and large roles like the beginning of a hike up Mount Everest.”

Interview highlights

On how many years ago, jazz helped him crack the code on Shakespeare 

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I went to the club to hear Arthur Blythe, a great alto saxophonist. And he’s pretty avant-garde, but he had this really hip, swinging tune. I was humming along with it. And then he went into his solo, which was free and wild and all over the place. And I was just looking around the club, still humming the song in my head. And when he finished his solo, we were right exactly on the same note in the melody of the song.

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