Does having an affair with a married co-worker (who is in a loveless marriage, and whose wife is having an affair too, but they’re staying together for their child) make me, morally, a bad person?

That depends on what you believe a “bad” person to be. If your married co-worker and their spouse have both communicated and acknowledged the refined terms of their relationship to each other — that their romantic relationship is over, and that they are both free to pursue connections outside of their marriage while continuing their domestic partnership and performing whatever outer auspices of their relationship to ensure their child has a stable home until they come of age — then your co-worker and their spouse are essentially in an open relationship that prioritizes co-parenting. But the nature of this agreement, and the consequences of actions stemming from it, all depends on whether this agreement is mutually consensual and clear.

The word “morally” carries a weight with different subjective meanings. Generally it refers to undertaking an action in accordance with certain principles or values decided by an individual. So in that sense, what is “moral” in this situation can take on a variety of forms, depending on which definition of what is “right” is prioritized in your own mind.

Oftentimes we decide what is “wrong” for us based on how a certain idea or action makes us feel. That feeling can present in many ways — rumination, a knot in your throat or your chest, an unease in your stomach, the tensing of muscles. The fact that you’re asking this question tells me that something about this situation is likely making you feel a certain way. I invite you to explore what shape that feeling takes, not just in your mind, but in your body.

Instead of obsessively over-rationalizing or avoiding, try making friends with that feeling. If it’s uncomfortable or unsustainable to live with continuously, ask your body why — and how it can help you make decisions that are the kindest possible to your nervous system.

I would encourage you to get more clarity from your co-worker on the terms of their marriage, and exactly how open and honest they and their wife have been with each other. Have they both acknowledged to each other that they are seeing other people? If so, does their agreement have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” clause, or is your co-worker being asked to give details on the who, when, or how?

If one party isn’t as aware of what’s going on as the other party, this isn’t an objectively “right” or “wrong” vignette, per se. But it does mean that your new partner may come with some baggage, and perhaps with some growth opportunities in the area of communication. Ethical open relationships (ethical meaning different from morality, meaning more about a general societal consensus around what’s most evolved versus an individual’s codes for behavior) take a lot of maturity, humility, honesty and willingness to constantly grow. Taking on a partner in an open marriage, especially if a child and mutual source of income are involved, will likely present a certain requirement of effort for your heart and mind. And I would contend that even if you’ve already set a mental boundary that this relationship will be short-term or temporary, or purely sexual, chances are you’ll still have to undertake a degree of risk tolerance and emotional navigation through it, given the unique circumstances of the situation. Are you comfortable taking that on? Only you can answer this question for yourself.

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The most important question here becomes: Is this a situation that is sustainable for you? Are you comfortable with the degree of honesty present among all three people involved in this (four, counting the child)? If there’s something that bothers you about it, what is it exactly that leaves you unsettled? Sitting with these questions will lead you to the best course of action for you, because you are the only person who has to live with you at the end of the day.

And if you were my friend, what I would say to you is this — are you truly infatuated with your co-worker, or do you just see them 40 hours a week? Consistency and proximity, especially in the professional context of teamwork, collaboration and problem-solving, can make a work connection feel like it has more potential for romantic intimacy, depth and longevity than it actually does. Dating your co-worker can be hard (there’s no workplace escape from your personal life if you get into a fight, and one or both of you can find your material stability threatened if the romantic relationship sours). Dating someone with a child can be hard. Dating someone in an open marriage can be hard. In your mind, body and heart, is your connection with this person worth what it comes with? Considering all angles of the situation through the lens of your own well-being first and foremost will give you all the answers you need.

Forty percent of Americans have their daily lives interrupted by uncomfortable bowel symptoms, according to the American Gastroenterological Association. That’s a lot of troubled guts.

But Dr. Trisha Pasricha says at the other end of the spectrum, there are people who experience “poophoria.” That’s Pasricha’s term for a state of being where doing your business is painless and worry-free. “ I just want you to poop quickly, effortlessly, and then go live your best life,” she says.

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Pasricha is the director of the Institute for Gut-Brain Research at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center, an assistant professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School, and writes for the Washington Post. She also treats patients with IBS and other painful digestive issues that can be tricky to diagnose.

Pasricha’s is not a one-size-fits all approach. There’s no magic number of times you need to go in a day, nor a perfect color or consistency that means you’re healthy or normal, she says. But if you often struggle with issues like bloating, constipation or diarrhea she wants you to know: There’s a better way to poop.

In her new book You’ve Been Pooping All Wrong: How to Make Your Bowel Movements a Joy Pasricha lays out evidence-based habits and practices to make your relationship with your solid waste as smooth as possible. Here are some of her most tried-and-true tips. Pasricha offers much of this advice to her patients — but following it just might save you a trip to the doctor.

Do: Take a look at your Number 2

A lot of people are shy about looking at the toilet bowl but Pasricha says you can learn a lot if you do. Very hard, small lumps or watery, soupy liquid are both cause for concern. A spectrum of shades is fine — but seek medical attention if you see black or whitish stool. A red or maroon color may indicate bleeding, or it can just give you insight on how long it took you to digest those beets.

When it comes to how often you go, there is a normal range: Pasricha says having a bowel movement anywhere from three times a day to three times a week can be perfectly healthy.

Do: Eat more fiber, and experiment with spices 

Why is fiber at the top of the list when it comes to digestive health? It’s a real problem-solver even in the short term, Pasricha says. “If you have diarrhea, it forms this gel that kind of pulls it together and makes it more formed. If you have constipation, it softens it up,” she says.

Even more importantly, fiber is food for the microbes in your colon. Those microbes in turn produce short-chain fatty acids that reduce inflammation in the gut. Some of these fatty acids like  have been linked to lower risk of colon cancer, and reduced risk of heart attack and dementia.

Since most people don’t get enough fiber in their diets, Pasricha often recommends a psyllium supplement — a plant-based powder that you can mix into water or coffee. Or you can learn which foods are high in fiber and amp up your intake.

Loading up on spicy food cooked with hot peppers can sometimes kick your bowel movements into overdrive, and not in a good way.  ”But if you eat just the right amount, it can actually, in the long term, prevent pain and help you stay regular,” Pasricha says. Other seasonings including mustard, oregano, garlic and horseradish have been shown to stimulate the same nerve receptors.

Don’t: Consume a lot of ultra-processed foods and artificial sweeteners 

Research has found concerning links with ultra-processed foods and digestive troubles. Specifically some additives and emulsifiers appear to “decrease the mucus barrier that’s on our guts, and can change the microbes,” Pasricha says. A study she cites in her book of over 200,000 human participants found that people who ate higher amounts of ultra-processed foods were 20% more likely to have irritable bowel syndrome compared to those who ate the least.

Pasricha also advises her patients to steer clear of foods with artificial sweeteners — often advertised as sugar-free — because they’re known to cause diarrhea and bloating.

Don’t: Spend more than 5 minutes on the toilet

Researchers think that sitting for extended periods on a toilet seat with an unsupported pelvic floor can increase risk for hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids are actually something we all have, Pasricha says. They’re cushions of veins that sit inside the rectum. Sitting suspended over the toilet bowl for too long may weaken the connective tissue around the hemorrhoids, “and those veins start to bulge, then they pop out and they become inflamed and angry,” she explains.

What to do instead: Get up and move your body

If you’re perched in the bathroom for more than five minutes without results, take a movement break. Any amount of exercise can be beneficial, Pasricha says. “Studies have found that even just a brisk walk will be enough to help stimulate contractions of your bowel movement.”

Don’t: Bring your phone to the throne

After seeing a study from Great Britain from 1989 about people reading the newspaper in the loo, Pasricha decided to try an updated version in her own lab. She focused, of course, on smartphone use. Her team at Beth Israel surveyed 125 people about their lifestyle and bowel habits. Then the patients went in for colonoscopies and the doctors noted whether each patient had hemorrhoids or not.

The result? People who said they used their smartphones on the toilet were 46% more likely to have hemorrhoids than those who went device-free. “We found out that you were five times as likely to spend more than five minutes in the bathroom if you brought your smartphone in,” Pasricha says.

Aside from distracting you from the job at hand, Pasricha points out that there’s plenty of research on the stress-inducing effects of social media. “ You’re doom scrolling. You’re like getting caught by some rage bait,” she says. And stress can make it harder for the muscles in your pelvic floor to relax enough to clear the pipes..

What to do instead: Try some light print material

 When she was a kid, people used to keep “bathroom reading” within easy reach of the seat, Pasricha notes with nostalgia. “To me, the ideal bathroom reader is something that gives you quick takes like a comic book, like short magazine articles, and ideally it should be from like three months ago,” she says.

If you absolutely must look at your phone, Pasricha tells patients to set a “two TikTok limit.”  ”That’s, I have to bring my phone in, but after two TikToks, I’m gonna check in with myself and make a decision.”

Do: Squat, and lean forward

When you’re sitting at a 90-degree angle, a muscle called the  puborectalis curves around the colon like a sling and helps keep it shut. But when you’re defecating, you want the tube of your bowel to be able to straighten out. And that’s where squatting comes in.

Pasricha says there’s no need to abandon the comfort of a modern toilet — instead put a stool or a pair of yoga blocks under your feet to raise your knees higher than your hips. “That basically allows that muscle to relax so that the tube straightens up again,” Pasricha says.

And to perfect your pooping posture, look to the famous sculpture, The Thinker by August Rodin. The figure is leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees. There’s research suggesting “that’s the optimal way,” to help straighten the angle of the tube, says Pasricha.

Gut health is complex, and can change with age, shifts in lifestyle, and a whole number of other factors. If something seems off, don’t be shy about bringing it up with your doctor, Pasricha says. “ I get a lot of pictures of poop in my clinical messaging tool and I mean, it’s very helpful.”