Lifestyle
L.A. Affairs: I’m a queer man living with HIV. I found love again — with a woman
Hello again! Maybe you remember my L.A. Affairs essay from 2022 that described my relationship with Ruben. We married in Mexico in 2019 when I was 74 — my first marriage. But COVID-19 and pneumonia brought him down in November 2021, and I was widowed at 76.
I’m truly at my best when I’m coupled. So it wasn’t long before my yearning for partnership again started kicking in. I exchanged contact information with a number of guys, but without any serious follow-through. At my age and living with HIV, I guess I wasn’t what most gay men looked to as a potential romantic candidate. I had just about resigned myself to a lonely end of life.
Then I went to see and write a review of a remarkable Haitian artist’s show at UCLA’s Fowler Museum on March 25, 2023 — the night of Myrlande Constant’s opening — and I was waiting in line for the preopening lecture. I got to talking with the petite woman standing ahead of me. She was there with Olga and Tanya, two friends from her condo building who had gone off to the ladies’ room. When they returned to join the line, they saw how Lori and I were engaged in animated conversation. When the line started moving, Olga said, “You’ll sit with us, won’t you?” And I did.
After the lecture, Lori and I ambled through the galleries together, commenting on the spectacular beaded and sequined art and opening up to each other. She was about eight years past her divorce and had two kids, one of them with two kids of her own. We promised to stay in touch.
I invited her to the theater shortly afterward, and in turn, she asked me to her brother and sister-in-law’s house for a spring dinner as a sort of secular nod to Passover. She told her brother and copied me on the message. She thought he would really enjoy meeting me — but not like this was a “date” or anything.
Afterward, I wrote to thank her for the evening and added, “But you know what? Actually I would like to date you.” And so we started. It took a while to negotiate the HIV part, which turned out to be less complicated than either of us had imagined. I had to be reminded that U=U, or Undetectable = Untransmittable. One of Lori’s children is nonbinary, and they were thrilled to learn their mother was now dating a queer man!
Lori and I consider ourselves “apartners,” a word we learned about a year into the relationship to signify a couple committed to each other but still retaining their separate households. I’m over at Lori’s generally Thursday through Sunday nights and return home weekdays to continue my writing. She could stay at my place, but I have three housemates and no private bathroom, so it can be a little awkward. My favorite moment of the week is Thursday night when I tuck myself into her bed as I look forward to a long weekend together.
Lori is my first girlfriend in 52 years. My last was in 1971, just before I came out as a gay man. I’ve had a number of loving relationships with men. Being a romantic partner is not strange to me — just now, again, with someone of a different gender. I would never claim to have “gone straight” or that my love life with a woman is morally or, in any other way, better. I’m neither converting nor proselytizing. It’s not a term I’d often used for myself in the past, but I think “queer” suits me just fine now.
Curiously, I learned that my three siblings some years back had speculated about what might become of me, and they laughed in disbelief when my brother said he saw me eventually settling down with a “frizzy-haired communist woman.” Well, Lori is no communist, but we are certainly on the same page when it comes to politics.
An old friend of mine reacted this way: “Remember the Kinsey scale? Zero being exclusively heterosexual and 6 exclusively homosexual. Well, I’m a total 6, but most people are somewhere in between. And it seems that includes you.”
On the 25th of each month, Lori and I celebrate another month together with flowers or a nice dinner out. On our first anniversary, we exchanged “apartnership” rings: Lori selected one from my jewelry box (given to me by a rabbi lover of mine over 50 years ago), and I chose one from hers (given to her in Mexico by a fellow she met on the street one day who just happened to find her enchanting).
We’re now approaching two years of being a couple. We’ve met each other’s families. It turns out we knew a lot of people in common, and both of us worked at the same nonprofit at different times. Our paths had crossed so many times though we’d never met. We’ve traveled domestically and abroad and survived the rigors of 24/7 togetherness. We celebrated Lori’s 70th with a family getaway last April, and we just feted my 80th with a play reading and dinner for 40 of our friends in L.A.
When I first came out in 1971, I believed that in a masculine-dominated culture like ours, an egalitarian heterosexual relationship was near impossible and that if you sought a partnership of equals, your better chance was with someone of the same gender. There may be some truth to that, but I’ve come to realize how everything is always so much more complicated.
As Lori and I go about our evolving lives, shopping, doing food preparation, washing dishes, event planning, making love, playing Rummikub or Spelling Bee, I see that gender is rarely the determinative factor. We love each other irrespective of our personal equipment.
We know the days are getting shorter but hope they never end. And thank you to Haiti’s Myrlande Constant for introducing Lori and me.
The author is cultural editor for peoplesworld.org, a biographer and translator. He can be found on Facebook at facebook.com/eric.a.gordon.585.
L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here.
Lifestyle
What worked — and what didn’t — in the ‘Stranger Things’ finale
Sadie Sink as Max Mayfield.
Netflix
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Netflix
Yes, there are spoilers ahead for the final episode of Stranger Things.
On New Year’s Eve, the very popular Netflix show Stranger Things came to an end after five seasons and almost 10 years. With actors who started as tweens now in their 20s, it was probably inevitable that the tale of a bunch of kids who fought monsters would wind down. In the two-plus-hour finale, there was a lot of preparation, then there was a final battle, and then there was a roughly 40-minute epilogue catching up with our heroes 18 months later. And how well did it all work? Let’s talk about it.
Worked: The final battle
The strongest part of the finale was the battle itself, set in the Abyss, in which the crew battled Vecna, who was inside the Mind Flayer, which is, roughly speaking, a giant spider. This meant that inside, Eleven could go one-on-one with Vecna (also known as Henry, or One, or Mr. Whatsit) while outside, her friends used their flamethrowers and guns and flares and slingshots and whatnot to take down the Mind Flayer. (You could tell that Nancy was going to be the badass of the fight as soon as you saw not only her big gun, but also her hair, which strongly evoked Ripley in the Alien movies.) And of course, Joyce took off Vecna’s head with an axe while everybody remembered all the people Vecna has killed who they cared about. Pretty good fight!
Did not work: Too much talking before the fight
As the group prepared to fight Vecna, we watched one scene where the music swelled as Hopper poured out his feelings to Eleven about how she deserved to live and shouldn’t sacrifice herself. Roughly 15 minutes later, the music swelled for a very similarly blocked and shot scene in which Eleven poured out her feelings to Hopper about why she wanted to sacrifice herself. Generally, two monologues are less interesting than a conversation would be. Elsewhere, Jonathan and Steve had a talk that didn’t add much, and Will and Mike had a talk that didn’t add much (after Will’s coming-out scene in the previous episode), both while preparing to fight a giant monster. It’s not that there’s a right or wrong length for a finale like this, but telling us things we already know tends to slow down the action for no reason. Not every dynamic needed a button on it.
Worked: Dungeons & Dragons bringing the group together
It was perhaps inevitable that we would end with a game of D&D, just as we began. But now, these kids are feeling the distance between who they are now and who they were when they used to play together. The fact that they still enjoy each other’s company so much, even when there are no world-shattering stakes, is what makes them seem the most at peace, more than a celebratory graduation. And passing the game off to Holly and her friends, including the now-included Derek, was a very nice touch.
Charlie Heaton as Jonathan Byers, Natalia Dyer as Nancy Wheeler, Maya Hawke as Robin Buckley, and Joe Keery as Steve Harrington.
Netflix
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Netflix
Did not work: Dr. Kay, played by Linda Hamilton
It seemed very exciting that Stranger Things was going to have Linda Hamilton, actual ’80s action icon, on hand this season playing Dr. Kay, the evil military scientist who wanted to capture and kill Eleven at any cost. But she got very little to do, and the resolution to her story was baffling. After the final battle, after the Upside Down is destroyed, she believes Eleven to be dead. But … then what happened? She let them all call taxis home, including Hopper, who killed a whole bunch of soldiers? Including all the kids who now know all about her and everything she did? All the kids who ventured into the Abyss are going to be left alone? Perfect logic is certainly not anybody’s expectation, but when you end a sequence with your entire group of heroes at the mercy of a band of violent goons, it would be nice to say something about how they ended up not at the mercy of said goons.


Worked: Needle drops
Listen, it’s not easy to get one Prince song for your show, let alone two: “Purple Rain” and “When Doves Cry.” When the Duffer Brothers say they needed something epic, and these songs feel epic, they are not wrong. There continues to be a heft to the Purple Rain album that helps to lend some heft to a story like this, particularly given the period setting. “Landslide” was a little cheesy as the lead-in to the epilogue, but … the epilogue was honestly pretty cheesy, so perhaps that’s appropriate.
Did not work: The non-ending
As to whether Eleven really died or is really just backpacking in a foreign country where no one can find her, the Duffer Brothers, who created the show, have been very clear that the ending is left up to you. You can think she’s dead, or you can think she’s alive; they have intentionally not given the answer. It’s possible to write ambiguous endings that work really well, but this one felt like a cop-out, an attempt to have it both ways. There’s also a real danger in expanding characters’ supernatural powers to the point where they can make anything seem like anything, so maybe much of what you saw never happened. After all, if you don’t know that did happen, how much else might not have happened?
This piece also appears in NPR’s Pop Culture Happy Hour newsletter. Sign up for the newsletter so you don’t miss the next one, plus get weekly recommendations about what’s making us happy.
Listen to Pop Culture Happy Hour on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
Lifestyle
The Best of BoF 2025: Conglomerates, Controversy and Consolidation
Lifestyle
Sunday Puzzle: P-A-R-T-Y words and names
On-air challenge
Today I’ve brought a game of ‘Categories’ based on the word “party.” For each category I give, you tell me something in it starting with each of the letters, P-A-R-T-Y. For example, if the category were “Four-Letter Boys’ Names” you might say Paul, Adam, Ross, Tony, and Yuri. Any answer that works is OK, and you can give answers in any order.
1. Colors
2. Major League Baseball Teams
3. Foreign Rivers
4. Foods for a Thanksgiving Meal
Last week’s challenge
I was at a library. On the shelf was a volume whose spine said “OUT TO SEA.” When I opened the volume, I found the contents has nothing to do with sailing or the sea in any sense. It wasn’t a book of fiction either. What was in the volume?
Challenge answer
It was a volume of an encyclopedia with entries from OUT- to SEA-.
Winner
Mark Karp of Marlboro Township, N.J.
This week’s challenge
This week’s challenge comes from Joseph Young, of St. Cloud, Minn. Think of a two-syllable word in four letters. Add two letters in front and one letter behind to make a one-syllable word in seven letters. What words are these?
If you know the answer to the challenge, submit it below by Wednesday, December 31 at 3 p.m. ET. Listeners whose answers are selected win a chance to play the on-air puzzle.
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