Connect with us

Lifestyle

L.A. Affairs: I told him I liked him. 'Why do you need so much male attention?' he asked

Published

on

L.A. Affairs: I told him I liked him. 'Why do you need so much male attention?' he asked

I was hanging out with my friend Patrick, comparing notes on our dating lives. We were talking about red flags and whether we had any.

“Well,” said Patrick, “I feel like I’m sort of an aerospace cliché. … I’m an engineer, I drive a Subaru and I rock climb.”

“How is that a red flag?” I asked. “That sounds more like a humble brag.”

“Well, then, what exactly is a red flag?” Patrick asked.

Advertisement

“A red flag,” I said, reading from Reddit, “is a warning sign that a person may be dealing with a toxic, manipulative or psychotic person.”

“So what’s your red flag? Do you think you have one?”

We all have unsavory parts of ourselves, those internal demons we try to corral and keep out of public view. But now and then, one of those demons sneaks into the outside world, plants a red flag and screams out maniacally, “Dwaaaagaahaha!”

“Actually,” I said, “I might have a red flag.”

I told my story light and airily, but it was heavy when it happened.

Advertisement

I’d been in a rut with dating, feeling as stagnant as the 405 Freeway on a Friday afternoon. It was time for a new hobby.

“How do you like rock climbing?” I asked Patrick.

“It’s great,” he said. “One downside, though: It’s pretty male-dominated.”

I was sold.

I joined my local climbing gym, prepared to meet my future climber boyfriend.

Advertisement

I noticed him within days. He was an amazing climber but nonchalant about it; hot but unassuming; and mysterious but straightforward, according to my tarot cards.

It took a couple of months for him to realize I existed, but eventually he did. I was belaying my friend when he came over and said the word, “Hi.”

I waved awkwardly, too nervous to speak.

“So,” said the dreamboat climber man, “you really need to have both hands on the rope when you belay. It’s not safe the way you’re doing it. You’ll get in trouble with the gym staff.”

I nodded, mortified. And for the next month, I avoided eye contact with him, waiting for the humiliation to subside.

Advertisement

We later spoke again, and out of nowhere, he asked me to climb. We climbed, went out for drinks and climbed more, and suddenly not only were we dating, but we were going on climbing adventures together. I followed him up a multipitch route in Idyllwild, rappelled down a sheer cliff in Joshua Tree and then had the most daunting adventure of all … a conversation about “us.”

We were driving from Joshua Tree back to L.A. “I really like you,” I said.

He let out a long exhale, his eyes focused on the road. An excruciating pause followed, pregnant enough to suggest triplets. “You have a lot of red flags,” he said.

My chest tightened.

“It’s weird you have so many guy friends,” he continued. “And weird that you’re friends with your ex. Why do you need so much male attention? It’s a huge red flag. I mean, haven’t you seen ‘When Harry Met Sally’? There’s always going to be some level of attraction between you and these guys, whether it’s one way or both ways.”

Advertisement

I argued against this point, and he argued back. We spent the next hour talking in circles, getting nowhere — all while stuck in gridlock on the 10 Freeway headed west. Being stuck in traffic felt metaphorical.

Once we got onto the 91 Freeway, the traffic smoothed out, and so did my flow of thoughts. I wanted us to be on the same page, and so I convinced myself that he was right. By the time we hit surface streets, I’d become a surface-level thinker. My main goal was to save the questionable, fragile relationship, whatever the cost.

I distanced myself from guy friends and told my ex we should end our friendship. He was outraged. “We’ve been friends for 10 years. I’ve known you for 14 years. And you’re cutting me out? Do you know how hurtful that is?”

I did, but I cut him out anyway. I was so desperate to make things work with the dreamboat climber man.

One afternoon, Patrick asked me to climb. I hadn’t seen him for a while because I was trying to limit my time with guy friends. But I wanted to catch up with him and didn’t think it was a big deal.

Advertisement

Then the dreamboat climber man texted me to see what I was up to. When I said I was climbing, he texted back, “Who are you climbing with?”

“My friend Pat,” I replied, choosing the gender-neutral version of Patrick’s name.

“Is Pat a guy?”

I cursed at my phone, and a parent scolded me, gesturing at the youth competition team.

“Yes,” I texted back. “But it’s completely platonic. Or should I say … Patonic.”

Advertisement

The text exchange and horrific pun triggered a huge fight. Things didn’t work out. I had wanted them to, but in the weeks that followed, I got burned out trying to navigate our endless thorny conversations. By the end, I was exhausted and ran into some depression. Not only had we ended our relationship but I had damaged important friendships and lost my grip on who I was. I was ashamed. The question I kept asking was: “What’s wrong with me?”

I stopped climbing for a while and instead went hiking, often by myself.

The sun was low in the sky when I reached the summit of Mt. Baldy. I was the only one there, with the whole peak all to myself. Looking out at the mountains, I had a moment of clarity.

My climb that day was for me, and no one else. I didn’t need the acceptance of a dreamboat climber man, molding into an unnatural shape to fit someone else’s needs. I just needed to be myself. And if that’s a red flag, I’m not afraid to wave it.

Dwaaaagaahaha!

Advertisement

The author is an L.A. native, writer and yoga teacher. She’s on Instagram: @taytay_eff

L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here.

Advertisement

Lifestyle

‘Hamnet’ star Jessie Buckley looks for the ‘shadowy bits’ of her characters

Published

on

‘Hamnet’ star Jessie Buckley looks for the ‘shadowy bits’ of her characters

Jessie Buckley has been nominated for an Academy Award for best actress for her portrayal of William Shakespeare’s wife in Hamnet.

Kate Green/Getty Images


hide caption

toggle caption

Advertisement

Kate Green/Getty Images

Actor Jessie Buckley says she’s always been drawn to the “shadowy bits” of her characters — aspects that are disobedient, or “too much.” Perhaps that’s what led her to play Agnes, the wife of William Shakespeare, in Hamnet.

Buckley says the film, which is based on Maggie O’Farrell’s 2020 novel, offered a chance to counter a common narrative about the playwright’s wife: that she “had kept him back from his genius,” Buckley says.

But, she adds, “What Maggie O’Farrell so brilliantly did, not just with Agnes and Shakespeare’s wife, but also with Hamnet, their son, was to bring these people … and give them status beside this great man. … [And] give the full landscape of what it is to be a woman.”

Advertisement

The film is nominated for eight Academy Awards, including best actress for Buckley. In it, she plays a woman deeply connected to nature, who faces conflicts in her marriage, as well as the death of their son Hamnet.

Buckley found out she was pregnant a week after the film wrapped. She’s since given birth to her first child, a daughter.

“The thing that this story offered me, that brought me into this next chapter of my life as a mother was tenderness,” she says. “A mother’s tenderness is ferocious. To love, to birth is no joke. To be born is no joke. And the minute something’s born into the world, you’re always in the precipice of life and death. That’s our path. … I wanted to be a mother so much that that overrode the thought of being afraid of it.”

Jessie Buckley stars as Agnes and Joe Alwyn plays her brother Bartholomew in Hamnet.

Jessie Buckley stars as Agnes and Joe Alwyn plays her brother Bartholomew in Hamnet.

Courtesy of Focus Features/Courtesy of Focus Features


hide caption

Advertisement

toggle caption

Courtesy of Focus Features/Courtesy of Focus Features

Interview highlights

On filming the scene where she howls in grief when her son dies

Advertisement

I didn’t know that that was going to happen or come out, it wasn’t in the script. I think really [director] Chloé [Zhao] asked all of us to dare to be as present as possible. Of course, leading up to it, you’re aware this scene is coming, but that scene doesn’t stand on its own. By the time I’d met that scene, I had developed such a deep bond with Jacobi Jupe, who plays Hamnet, and [co-stars] Paul [Mescal] and Emily Watson, and all the children and we really were a family. And Jacobi Jupe who plays Hamnet is such an incredible little actor and an incredible soul, and we really were a team. …

The death of a child is unfathomable. I don’t know where it begins and ends. Out of utter respect, I tried to touch an imaginary truth of it in our story as best I could, but there’s no way to define that kind of grief. I’m sure it’s different for so many people. And in that moment, all I had was my imagination but also this relationship that was right in front of me with this little boy and that’s what came out of that.

On what inspired her to pursue singing growing up

I grew up around a lot of music. My mom is a harpist and a singer and my dad has always been passionate about music, so it was always something in our house and always something that was encouraged. … Early on, I have very strong memories of seeing and hearing my mom sing in church and this quite intense mercurial conversation that would happen between her, the story and the people that would listen to her. And at the end of it, something had been cracked between them and these strangers would come up with tears in their eyes. And I guess I saw the power of storytelling through my mom’s singing at a very young age, and that was definitely something that made me think I want to do that.

On her first big break performing as a teen on the BBC singing competition I’d Do Anything — and being criticized by judges about her physical appearance

Advertisement

I was raw. I hadn’t trained. I had a lot to learn and to grow in. I was only 17. I think there was part of their criticism which I think was destructive and unfair when it became about my awkwardness, or they would say I was masculine and send me to kind of a femininity school. … They sent me to [the musical production of] Chicago to put heels on and a leotard and learn how to walk in high heels, which was pretty humiliating, to be honest, and I’m sad about that because I think I was discovering myself as a young woman in the world and wasn’t fully formed. … I was different. I was wild, I had a lot of feeling inside me. I could hardly keep my hands beside myself and I think to kind of criticize a body of a young woman at that time and to make her feel conscious of that was lazy and, I think, boring.

On filming parts of the 2026 film The Bride! while pregnant

I really loved working when I was pregnant. I thought it was a pretty wild experience, especially because I was playing Mary Shelley and I was talking about [this] monstrosity, and here I was with two heartbeats inside me. Becoming a mom and being pregnant did something, I think, for me. My experience of it, it’s so real that it really focuses [me to be] allergic to fake or to disconnection.

Since my daughter has come and I know what that connection is and the real feeling of being in a relationship with somebody … as an actress, it’s very exciting to recognize that in yourself and really take ownership of yourself.

I’m excited to go back and work on this other side of becoming a mother in so many ways, because I’ve shed 10 layers of skin by loving more and experiencing life in such a new way with my daughter. I’m also scared to work again because it’s hard to be a mother and to work. That’s like a constant tug because I love what I do and I’m passionate and I want to continue to grow and learn and fill those spaces that are yet to be filled — and also be a mother. And I think every mother can recognize that tug.

On the possibility of bringing her daughter to travel with her as she works

Advertisement

I haven’t filmed for nearly a year and I cannot wait. I’m hungry to create again. And my daughter will come with me. She’s seven months, so at the moment she can travel with us and it’s a beautiful life. And she meets all these amazing people and I have a feeling that she loves life and that’s a great thing to see in a child. And I hope that’s something that I’ve imparted to her in the short time that she’s been on this earth is that life is beautiful and great and complex and alive and there’s no part of you that needs to be less in your life. You might have to work it out, but it’s worth it.

Lauren Krenzel and Susan Nyakundi produced and edited this interview for broadcast. Bridget Bentz, Molly Seavy-Nesper and Beth Novey adapted it for the web.

Continue Reading

Lifestyle

‘Evil Dead’ Star Bruce Campbell Reveals He Has Cancer

Published

on

‘Evil Dead’ Star Bruce Campbell Reveals He Has Cancer

Bruce Campbell
I’m Battling Cancer

Published

Advertisement

Advertisement

Advertisement

Advertisement
Continue Reading

Lifestyle

‘Scream 7’ takes a weak stab at continuing the franchise : Pop Culture Happy Hour

Published

on

‘Scream 7’ takes a weak stab at continuing the franchise : Pop Culture Happy Hour

Neve Campbell in Scream 7.

Paramount Pictures


hide caption

toggle caption

Advertisement

Paramount Pictures

The OG Scream Queen Neve Campbell returns. Scream 7 re-centers the franchise back on Sidney Prescott. She has a new life, a family, and lots of baggage. You know the drill: Someone dressing up as the masked slasher Ghostface comes for her, her family and friends. There’s lots of stabbing and murder and so many red herrings it’s practically a smorgasbord.

Follow Pop Culture Happy Hour on Letterboxd at letterboxd.com/nprpopculture

Advertisement
Continue Reading

Trending