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L.A. Affairs: 40 and freshly sober, I wanted to experience love. But was she the one?

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L.A. Affairs: 40 and freshly sober, I wanted to experience love. But was she the one?

I was a worrier. An overthinker. A planner. But plans don’t always work out. So I shut my eyes and pointed at a map of Los Angeles. I lifted my finger to reveal Mt. Wilson, a 5,710-foot peak in the Angeles National Forest northeast of the city and home to a 120-year-old astronomical observatory. I had never heard of this place — I was a newcomer to L.A. — nor did I know it would later become an important destination for three future girlfriends. One used to work in the observatory cafe, one’s past boyfriend died in a motorbike accident on those perilous winding roads, and I helped one face her fear of heights on a ledge overlooking the vast canyon below.

I had hoped to celebrate my birthday over Taix’s steak frites au poivre with my fiancée. Instead, after a final breakup just three days before, I was spending it alone. Our apartment was once a theater of hopes and dreams, full of life and laughter. It had become a derelict shell, heartbreak echoing round its deserted stage.

But Mt. Wilson’s elevated white domes invited solitude and reflection, a halfway house between city and stars to help put one’s problems in perspective. It became my place of silent refuge, like it was for thousands of others who climbed its winding face year-round.

My ex and I met three weeks after I moved from Ireland to L.A. I went to Echo Park Lake to watch a Shakespeare in the Park reading performed by my new roommate’s acting class but ended up taking part. I amused them by wearing a flower crown and pitching my voice high to play Puck, a mischievous sprite. I amused her most of all.

Soon after I pulled off the 2 Freeway, the fog-tipped peaks of the Angeles National Forest opened up before me. Sunlight sparkled on the hood of my silver Mustang as I swung around perilous switchbacks and climbed ever higher. The rich scent of pine trees brought me back to a snow-covered log cabin we shared in Lake Arrowhead. Back to the chilly bliss of a white Christmas kiss. It would be some time before I learned to stop looking back with anger and regret, but right now the hairpin turns teetering over a hundred-foot ravine forced me to look straight ahead.

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The observatory’s outdoor cafe peered over canyons draped in thick fog. That spring Monday morning, there was no one else around. In searching for adventure, I had driven myself into further isolation. I munched on my sandwich and watched the fog roll in. Flapping wings broke the silence. Hummingbirds hovered around a feeder above me. I wouldn’t eat my birthday lunch alone after all.

The drifting fog took me back to her birthday when I rented a cabin on Big Sur’s towering cliffs. By night we gazed at the stars above through the bathhouse’s glass roof and by day we stood on the cliff edge and peered down at the clouds below. I wrote a story for her about that trip called “Above the Clouds.” That’s how I felt being with her. It was where I asked her to move in with me. A few weeks later, we moved into an apartment a few blocks from the park where we first met.

The dense fog turned me off exploring the miles of trails that cut the mountainside. So I explored the observatory museum instead. In 1904, founder George Ellery Hale’s team used dozens of mules to haul the observatory’s construction material and equipment 5,710 feet up winding dirt tracks. Later astronomer Edward Hubble made discoveries here that led to the Big Bang theory. Wild imaginations discover wild things.

She had the wildest imagination I had ever encountered. Her tough upbringing had forced her to escape into play and imagination to survive. For most of my life I exhaustively planned before taking informed action. But age 40 and freshly sober, I took a leap of faith by moving to L.A. without a visa, job or place to live. In that spirit I met her and dived headfirst into the wildest adventure of my life.

She encouraged me to step outside my comfort zone. She had unswerving confidence in me, and when I got stuck in a self-doubt spiral, she’d remind me of all I had overcome before and gently reassure me.

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“You’ll figure it out, my most handsome.”

At times her emotional ups and downs overwhelmed me, but soon I couldn’t imagine a life without her.

In this spirit I vowed that fog and wild creatures be damned. I’d explore those mountain trails come what may. As I wound down through the trees, their leaves lulled into sleep by the creeping fog, I imagined the hordes of snakes and mountain lions and bears lurking just beyond my view. There were corrugated aluminum shoots down the mountainside to channel water, and I joked that they were water slides for predators to let off steam between kills. But I descended deeper into the fog and let the unknown guide me.

The end for us had been coming for some time. But the final goodbye was fresh, still a baby only 3 days old. The full force of losing her would hit me in time. But today was my day. And it had led me into a blinding fog.

I had been making as much noise as possible to alert any slumbering wild creatures, but when I reached some fallen trees that blocked the trail, I laid down, closed my eyes and listened. I breathed in the crisp, damp air. I gave myself the freedom to release the dream I had of spending my life with her. Instead I spent my birthday with the birds and the trees. And I let go.

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On what could have been the loneliest birthday of my life, I instead found a place of refuge to rediscover my purpose and strength. And just like Hale and Hubble before me, if I kept faith in my vision, I trusted I’d someday uncover more new worlds I could never have dreamed of. From a pit of despair, I climbed a mountain and found hope above a sea of fog.

The author is a freelance writer for screen projects, publications and brands. He’s an Irishman living in Echo Park. He’s on Instagram: @kevin_lavelle_origins_copy

L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here.

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‘Hamnet’ star Jessie Buckley looks for the ‘shadowy bits’ of her characters

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‘Hamnet’ star Jessie Buckley looks for the ‘shadowy bits’ of her characters

Jessie Buckley has been nominated for an Academy Award for best actress for her portrayal of William Shakespeare’s wife in Hamnet.

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Kate Green/Getty Images

Actor Jessie Buckley says she’s always been drawn to the “shadowy bits” of her characters — aspects that are disobedient, or “too much.” Perhaps that’s what led her to play Agnes, the wife of William Shakespeare, in Hamnet.

Buckley says the film, which is based on Maggie O’Farrell’s 2020 novel, offered a chance to counter a common narrative about the playwright’s wife: that she “had kept him back from his genius,” Buckley says.

But, she adds, “What Maggie O’Farrell so brilliantly did, not just with Agnes and Shakespeare’s wife, but also with Hamnet, their son, was to bring these people … and give them status beside this great man. … [And] give the full landscape of what it is to be a woman.”

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The film is nominated for eight Academy Awards, including best actress for Buckley. In it, she plays a woman deeply connected to nature, who faces conflicts in her marriage, as well as the death of their son Hamnet.

Buckley found out she was pregnant a week after the film wrapped. She’s since given birth to her first child, a daughter.

“The thing that this story offered me, that brought me into this next chapter of my life as a mother was tenderness,” she says. “A mother’s tenderness is ferocious. To love, to birth is no joke. To be born is no joke. And the minute something’s born into the world, you’re always in the precipice of life and death. That’s our path. … I wanted to be a mother so much that that overrode the thought of being afraid of it.”

Jessie Buckley stars as Agnes and Joe Alwyn plays her brother Bartholomew in Hamnet.

Jessie Buckley stars as Agnes and Joe Alwyn plays her brother Bartholomew in Hamnet.

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Courtesy of Focus Features/Courtesy of Focus Features

Interview highlights

On filming the scene where she howls in grief when her son dies

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I didn’t know that that was going to happen or come out, it wasn’t in the script. I think really [director] Chloé [Zhao] asked all of us to dare to be as present as possible. Of course, leading up to it, you’re aware this scene is coming, but that scene doesn’t stand on its own. By the time I’d met that scene, I had developed such a deep bond with Jacobi Jupe, who plays Hamnet, and [co-stars] Paul [Mescal] and Emily Watson, and all the children and we really were a family. And Jacobi Jupe who plays Hamnet is such an incredible little actor and an incredible soul, and we really were a team. …

The death of a child is unfathomable. I don’t know where it begins and ends. Out of utter respect, I tried to touch an imaginary truth of it in our story as best I could, but there’s no way to define that kind of grief. I’m sure it’s different for so many people. And in that moment, all I had was my imagination but also this relationship that was right in front of me with this little boy and that’s what came out of that.

On what inspired her to pursue singing growing up

I grew up around a lot of music. My mom is a harpist and a singer and my dad has always been passionate about music, so it was always something in our house and always something that was encouraged. … Early on, I have very strong memories of seeing and hearing my mom sing in church and this quite intense mercurial conversation that would happen between her, the story and the people that would listen to her. And at the end of it, something had been cracked between them and these strangers would come up with tears in their eyes. And I guess I saw the power of storytelling through my mom’s singing at a very young age, and that was definitely something that made me think I want to do that.

On her first big break performing as a teen on the BBC singing competition I’d Do Anything — and being criticized by judges about her physical appearance

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I was raw. I hadn’t trained. I had a lot to learn and to grow in. I was only 17. I think there was part of their criticism which I think was destructive and unfair when it became about my awkwardness, or they would say I was masculine and send me to kind of a femininity school. … They sent me to [the musical production of] Chicago to put heels on and a leotard and learn how to walk in high heels, which was pretty humiliating, to be honest, and I’m sad about that because I think I was discovering myself as a young woman in the world and wasn’t fully formed. … I was different. I was wild, I had a lot of feeling inside me. I could hardly keep my hands beside myself and I think to kind of criticize a body of a young woman at that time and to make her feel conscious of that was lazy and, I think, boring.

On filming parts of the 2026 film The Bride! while pregnant

I really loved working when I was pregnant. I thought it was a pretty wild experience, especially because I was playing Mary Shelley and I was talking about [this] monstrosity, and here I was with two heartbeats inside me. Becoming a mom and being pregnant did something, I think, for me. My experience of it, it’s so real that it really focuses [me to be] allergic to fake or to disconnection.

Since my daughter has come and I know what that connection is and the real feeling of being in a relationship with somebody … as an actress, it’s very exciting to recognize that in yourself and really take ownership of yourself.

I’m excited to go back and work on this other side of becoming a mother in so many ways, because I’ve shed 10 layers of skin by loving more and experiencing life in such a new way with my daughter. I’m also scared to work again because it’s hard to be a mother and to work. That’s like a constant tug because I love what I do and I’m passionate and I want to continue to grow and learn and fill those spaces that are yet to be filled — and also be a mother. And I think every mother can recognize that tug.

On the possibility of bringing her daughter to travel with her as she works

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I haven’t filmed for nearly a year and I cannot wait. I’m hungry to create again. And my daughter will come with me. She’s seven months, so at the moment she can travel with us and it’s a beautiful life. And she meets all these amazing people and I have a feeling that she loves life and that’s a great thing to see in a child. And I hope that’s something that I’ve imparted to her in the short time that she’s been on this earth is that life is beautiful and great and complex and alive and there’s no part of you that needs to be less in your life. You might have to work it out, but it’s worth it.

Lauren Krenzel and Susan Nyakundi produced and edited this interview for broadcast. Bridget Bentz, Molly Seavy-Nesper and Beth Novey adapted it for the web.

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‘Evil Dead’ Star Bruce Campbell Reveals He Has Cancer

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‘Evil Dead’ Star Bruce Campbell Reveals He Has Cancer

Bruce Campbell
I’m Battling Cancer

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‘Scream 7’ takes a weak stab at continuing the franchise : Pop Culture Happy Hour

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‘Scream 7’ takes a weak stab at continuing the franchise : Pop Culture Happy Hour

Neve Campbell in Scream 7.

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The OG Scream Queen Neve Campbell returns. Scream 7 re-centers the franchise back on Sidney Prescott. She has a new life, a family, and lots of baggage. You know the drill: Someone dressing up as the masked slasher Ghostface comes for her, her family and friends. There’s lots of stabbing and murder and so many red herrings it’s practically a smorgasbord.

Follow Pop Culture Happy Hour on Letterboxd at letterboxd.com/nprpopculture

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