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Actually, compartmentalizing can be good for you

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Actually, compartmentalizing can be good for you

Lynn Bufka isn’t sure how she’s going to get through the next nine months.

The licensed psychologist, stress expert and spokesperson for the American Psychological Assn. usually watches the news on TV each morning. But with a contentious presidential election coming up, lately she’s been reluctant to pick up the remote.

“I don’t want to hear anything about the election and it’s only January,” she said in an interview last month. “Even as a psychologist I’m trying to think through how best to manage it.”

Bufka doesn’t want to stick her head under a rock, but she also can’t allow herself to become engulfed in worry about what will happen if her candidate loses. She has a job to do, relationships to maintain and other life responsibilities that demand her attention.

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In especially uncertain moments such as these, when her own patients are consumed with anxiety, Bufka recommends compartmentalization — separating different parts of one’s mental and emotional experience.

As questions about our political, environmental and technological future loom, experts say that compartmentalizing can be a useful tool to help us regulate our emotions and face challenges without falling apart. Yes, it’s a defense mechanism that sometimes gets a bad rap, said Gloria Mark, a retired professor of informatics at UC Irvine — but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad for you. “It’s a function that helps us navigate through our days without being burdened by all the stress,” she said.

While it’s possible to over-compartmentalize and, in turn, numb your feelings, taking occasional breaks from intense emotions is an essential component of mental health. We all instinctively do it: We hold back tears to answer an important work call, mute our anger to communicate diplomatically with our partner or push down our anxiety to read a bedtime story to our toddler. In the past decade or so, we as a society may even have developed an increased awareness of this self-preservation technique; Google searches for compartmentalization have been steadily increasing since 2004.

A dirty word

Dr. Tara Swart, a neuroscientist and professor at MIT Sloan School of Management, recognizes that the term “compartmentalizing” is loaded. “It gives you the impression that you can take something that is worrying you and lock it in a box and not think about it,” she said. “Actually, no one can do that.”

Instead, Swart says, compartmentalizing can be both good and bad for you. Healthy compartmentalization involves regulating your emotions while unhealthy compartmentalizing means repressing them.

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At its most useful, compartmentalization is the ability to acknowledge challenges in your personal circumstances or current events, and make a conscious decision to not allow those things to take over your thoughts and emotions, she said. But that doesn’t mean shutting out the world.

“The opposite would be to say, ‘I’m not going to read the news,’ ‘I refuse to talk about anything difficult,’ and, ‘Any time I think of something sad and scary I’m just going to push it down,’” she said. “That’s unhealthy.”

There are times when we simply can’t deal with an emotion in the moment. Maybe we have a deadline, or a child to care for, or we’re in the supermarket and it’s not appropriate to cry, scream or yell. In that case, Swart said, we can make an agreement with ourselves that we will make space to sit with it, journal about it or talk about it with a friend or therapist later.

“It’s not easy, and I’m not saying we can do it 100% of the time,” Swart said. “But it’s possible to give yourself some relief from that constant worry.”

Intention is everything

Jaz Robbins, a trauma therapist who teaches psychology at Pepperdine University, said the key to healthy compartmentalizing is intentionality.

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“I think about people who do social justice work,” she said. “They also have to take a break, to rest and rejuvenate. If they were to say, ‘I won’t rest until I see justice done,’ whatever that metric is, then unfortunately that person may not see rest in their lifetime.”

Advocates and others can allow themselves to relax by being mindful about why they are taking a break from their activism to go out dancing, visit with family or just catch up on the latest season of “The Great British Baking Show.”

“To me, compartmentalizing is when an individual exercises a healthy boundary, with intention, in service of a value they hold,” she explained. “That value could be family, health, community, relaxation or even comfort. Comfort is absolutely a value.”

Robbins’ patients are already beginning to talk with her about their anxiety over the November election.

“They say, ‘I don’t have the bandwidth for this,’” she said. “And I tell them, ‘You don’t.’ When you get that whisper or inkling that you don’t have the bandwidth for something, you don’t have the bandwidth.”

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To help them take even a quick break from their worries, Robbins challenges her patients to build what she calls “a distress tolerance toolkit.” This involves listing five things that make you smile, five that make you laugh, five that inspire you and five that help you relax.

“The idea is to put it together before you need it,” she said. “That way, when the foundation is shaky, you can go to your list and say, ‘I really need a laugh right now.’”

Other strategies to regulate your emotions around a distressing situation include meditation, yoga and exercise, said Swart. She also recommends journaling, talking to a friend or therapist and imagining what advice you would give someone you care about who’s in the same situation. “This allows you to step back and get perspective,” she said.

Bufka, the stress expert, said getting enough sleep is especially important when we’re dealing with stressful situations. “If we don’t have adequate sleep, then we’re less prepared to handle what’s coming our way.”

She encourages her patients to develop habits that help them relax before bedtime and take their mind off of world events. For her, it’s doing number puzzles like sudoku. For others it might be snuggling with a pet or reading a fantasy or mystery novel.

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Bufka also tells people that, just before falling asleep, they might visualize a box and imagine putting all their worries into it — as long as they don’t throw away the key.

“They will still be there when you wake up,” she said.

Lifestyle

10 new books you won’t want to miss in July

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10 new books you won’t want to miss in July

I regret to inform you I’ll need to keep this introduction brief. Not because there’s any lack of things to say about July’s crop of notable new releases; it features award-winning journalists and several different flavors of anxiety about our bleak ecological future and data-dominated present, as well as the welcome returns of several beloved novelists.

No, these books certainly deserve some love, dear readers. It’s just that I’m finding it a bit tough to type while bearhugging a box fan. And since it seems that may be my last best chance to get through this latest U.S. heat wave here on the east coast without sweating through my shirt, I feel some urgency to get back at it.

So enough with the ado. With any luck, you’ll soon be cracking open one of these great reads on the beach — or in front of a decent air-conditioning unit, at any rate.

You Won’t Get Free of It: Stories of Mothers and Daughters, by Rachel Aviv

You Won’t Get Free of It: Stories of Mothers and Daughters, by Rachel Aviv (July 7)

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Aviv, New Yorker staff writer and finalist for this year’s Pulitzer Prize, has a fairly extensive purview in her role as reporter at large. Still, when reviewing her latest work, Aviv noticed a crucial throughline: “I realized that, to some degree, I’d been writing about mother-daughter pairs for the last decade,” she explained to the Paris Review. Seeing this, she decided to collect and revise half a dozen of those stories, which cover ground from a daughter’s troubling fugue states to the immigrant nannies who must leave their own children behind, to Alice Munro’s daughter, whose claims of sexual abuse went unheeded yet regularly resurfaced in her mother’s fiction.

Country People, by Daniel Mason

Country People, by Daniel Mason (July 7)

In Mason’s first novel since North Woods, 2023’s critical darling and book club stalwart, readers are plopped right back in the New England woods but the time scale has shrunk considerably. Whereas North Woods spanned centuries, his new novel confines itself to a single year, during which Miles, loving family man and lackadaisical Ph.D. candidate, plans to finally buckle down on that derelict degree of his and reassert his worth to one and all! At least, that’s the idea. But plans don’t stand much of a chance when there are eccentric neighbors to befriend and mysterious local legends to investigate.

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Lifestyle

Jessica McCormack: How a Challenger Is Seizing the Jewellery Opportunity

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Jessica McCormack: How a Challenger Is Seizing the Jewellery Opportunity
The London-based independent jewellery label, which sells high-end pieces for everyday wear, has boosted sales by leveraging jewellery as a means of self expression. Chief executive Leonie Brantberg details in our latest report ‘Face to Face With Luxury Clients’ the brand’s strategy and expansion plans.
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Lifestyle

What a divorce coach wishes couples knew before ending a marriage

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What a divorce coach wishes couples knew before ending a marriage

Karen McNenny is a certified divorce coach, certified co-parenting specialist and author of the book The Good Divorce: How to End Your Marriage Without Ending Your Family.

Wiley/Jossey-Bass/NPR, Nicole Wickens/NPR


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Wiley/Jossey-Bass/NPR, Nicole Wickens/NPR

When Karen McNenny was facing divorce about 15 years ago, she was afraid of what it would mean for her future: despair, debt and a lifetime of resentment, she says.

At the same time, she was thinking of her two children, she says. She didn’t want their father to become her enemy.

So she and her former husband chose to approach divorce differently as a couple. “We’re going to renovate and transform this family. We’re not going to destroy it,” she says. “The marriage is ending, not your relationship.”

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For McNenny, a mediator, certified divorce coach and certified co-parenting specialist, divorce is a tool, not a weapon. She expands on this concept in The Good Divorce: How to End Your Marriage Without Ending Your Family, which came out this spring. The book offers guidance on how to maintain compassionate and respectful ties with a former spouse while also healing and moving forward.

According to Pew Research Center, a third of Americans who have ever been married had a first marriage that ended in divorce. For that reason, McNenny hopes her book becomes a must-read for couples before they get married. “The best time to talk about divorce is before you need to talk about it,” she says.

She shared insights from her book in a conversation with Life Kit. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

The book is called The Good Divorce. What does that mean?

[For those with kids,] the good divorce is about protecting the future of the family while we dissolve the marriage.

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After the paperwork is done and the assets have been divided, can you and your co-parent sit on the same side of the bleachers during the basketball game? Can you still see yourselves as a partnership, with the ability to have thoughtful conversations about your kids?

For those who don’t have kids, [the good divorce is] about protecting your health — your mental health and your physical health. If we are doubling down with resentment and bitterness, all of that gets stored in the body and shows up in different ways. You deserve a pathway that’s less destructive.

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