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Ohio woman who lost all four limbs to flu complications speaks out to raise awareness

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Ohio woman who lost all four limbs to flu complications speaks out to raise awareness

For most people, getting the flu means a few days of sickness and then a return to regular life. But for Kristin Fox, a 42-year-old mother and high-school principal in Ohio, the virus led to the loss of her arms and legs — and the start of a long, challenging journey to a new normal.

Fox’s ordeal began in March 2020, just a few days before the COVID-19 pandemic shut down the world.

She came down with a sore throat on Friday, and by Sunday she felt considerably worse. At urgent care that night, she tested positive for the flu.

AFTER LOSING HER LEG TO THE FLU, VIRGINIA WOMAN URGES PEOPLE TO GET VACCINATED: ‘DON’T WASTE TIME’

The physician’s assistant gave her Tamiflu and sent her home. The next day, Fox couldn’t get off the couch. 

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“I felt like I was dying,” she told Fox News Digital during a phone interview.

For Kristin Fox, a 42-year-old mother and high-school principal in Ohio, the flu led to the loss of her arms and legs — and the start of a long and challenging journey to a new normal. (Kristin Fox)

A nurse friend came over to take Fox’s blood pressure and oxygen levels, both of which were dangerously low. 

Fox’s friend drove her to a small nearby hospital. 

“Within 30 minutes, I was on a ventilator, and they said I probably wouldn’t make it,” Fox said. 

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She had developed bacterial pneumonia, which was leading to organ failure. Fox’s kidneys were shutting down and one of her lungs had collapsed.

What the medical team apparently didn’t realize, Fox said, was that she was already in septic shock, which is a life-threatening infection that causes organ failure and plummeting blood pressure.

GETTING SEPSIS IN THE HOSPITAL IS A RED FLAG FOR FUTURE HEART ATTACKS, STUDY FINDS

By Tuesday night, the hospital brought in a priest, expecting that Fox wouldn’t make it through the night — “but by the grace of God, I did,” she said.

By Thursday, doctors realized Fox was septic, she said. She was put into a medically induced coma and given vasopressor drugs in an attempt to save her vital organs.

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Kristin Fox with kids

Fox is pictured with her son, Landon, and her daughter, Laiken. (Kristin Fox)

“The doctors told my family they should prepare for the loss of some fingers or toes, because they were pulling so much from my extremities to try to keep my organs alive,” Fox said.

A couple of days later, the world shut down due to the pandemic — but because Fox was deemed the most critical patient in the hospital, they allowed her parents and husband to stay with her.

“It was touch and go for the next week,” Fox said.

Each year, at least 1.7 million adults in the U.S. develop sepsis, and nearly 270,000 die from the infection.

— Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

On March 26, the doctors told Fox’s husband and parents that they would have to amputate her legs the following day.

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Fox’s mother begged the doctors to wait a few more days to see if she got better — but they said if they held off any longer, the infection would continue to rise above Fox’s knees, making her quality of life substantially worse, Fox related.

TEXAS MOM SUFFERS QUADRUPLE AMPUTATION, CREDITS HER FAITH AND A LITTLE DOG FOR PULLING HER THROUGH

The next day, Fox’s legs were amputated below her knees.

In the days after that first surgery, Fox’s arms got excessively worse, she said — “but they waited and didn’t take my arms until April 6, almost two weeks later.”

Fox considers it “lucky” that her arms were amputated just below the elbow, so she still has that range of motion — although it’s still very short compared to amputees who only lose their hands.

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Within 72 hours, Fox was able to breathe without a ventilator and was transferred out of the ICU and into a “step-up room.”

After the surgeries, Fox was slowly brought out of her coma. “I was so confused,” she said. “I was still on a ventilator. I had no idea what was going on in the world (with COVID).”

Even so, within 72 hours, Fox was able to breathe without a ventilator and was transferred out of the ICU and into a “step-up room.”

A few weeks later, on May 17, she left the hospital.

COLD AND FLU SEASON IS COMING: KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS NOW

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“They literally wrapped me like a mummy because I didn’t want my kids to see — I hadn’t told them yet about losing my arms and legs,” she recalled.

Kristin Fox with friends

Fox (second from left) is pictured with her lifelong best friends. (Kristin Fox)

Eventually, Fox told her son and daughter — who were 9 and 6 at the time — what had happened.

“Between that and COVID, it was so much for little kids to wrap their minds around.”

The next stop was the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center Rehabilitation Institute to start physical therapy.

“I knew it was the best place to go,” Fox said. “I had to go somewhere that was going to really kick my butt in therapy.”

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COVID-19, FLU AND RSV VACCINES ARE ALL AVAILABLE THIS FALL: SEE WHAT SOME DOCTORS RECOMMEND AND WHY

In Pittsburgh, Fox completed six weeks of intense physical therapy, three hours per day. 

Along the way, there were some setbacks — back at home, her lung collapsed again, and doctors had to put in a chest tube. Then she returned to Pittsburgh for six more weeks of therapy.

In October 2020, seven months after her ordeal began, Fox received prosthetics for her arms and legs, marking the beginning of a brand new journey.

“It was a huge learning curve,” she told Fox News Digital. “It was like trial and error of what worked and what didn’t.”

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Last fall, Fox connected with an organization called 50 Legs in Orlando, Florida, which selects amputees who will receive custom prosthetics tailored to each patient’s body. After applying, she was selected and made the trip to get fitted for new, custom-made prosthetics — for free.

Kristin Fox at fundraiser

Fox is pictured with her family at her first annual softball tournament, which helped to raise funds for her care. (Kristin Fox)

“It has been life-changing, because they are truly built for me and not just a size that everybody wears,” she said. “Anytime I need something, they ship it to me, or they put me on a plane to come down for a quick fix.”

She added, “They’re just the most incredible people I have ever encountered.”

These days, Fox uses only the prosthetic legs.

“I don’t use the arms at all,” she said. “I’ve learned to live without them — it’s easier. I even drive without them.”

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Embracing a ‘new normal’

As a quadruple amputee, Fox faces new challenges in navigating the world, everything from working out to going to football games.

“There are just different things I never thought about before, in terms of accessibility and compliance,” she said. “The people who make the legislation don’t sit in the seat very often.”

Kristin Fox and family

Fox is pictured with her husband and children. She said her family motivated her to keep moving forward. (Kristin Fox)

After a year away from work, Fox was ready to return to her job as assistant principal at Campbell High School.

“I mentally had to go back to work,” she said. “I’m a very ‘go, go, go’ type of person. And if I went out on disability, I was not going to have a good quality of life.”

Fox said her children and her students at school also motivated her to keep moving forward.

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FLU PREVENTION TIPS FROM FLORIDA’S SURGEON GENERAL: A ‘DAY-TO-DAY’ HEALTHY LIFESTYLE IS KEY

“I had a lot of young eyes watching me, and I knew there were so many kids who would learn so much from my reaction to this,” she said.

“It’s taught them about respecting differences and treating everyone fairly, regardless of their ability,” Fox noted. “And it’s taught them how they should overcome their own barriers and tough moments.”

One of Fox’s favorite mantras, she said, is “I’ve never had a tough day — I have tough moments.”

She noted, “As an educator, I didn’t want my students to think I took the easy way out.”

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“Sometimes I catch myself complaining, but then I remind myself that my kids could have been mourning my death.”

Back at work, Fox said her school has “moved mountains” to make the transition as easy as possible for her.

Fox’s co-principal, Brad Yeager, shared with Fox News Digital how impressed he’s been by her triumph over adversity.

“No matter what obstacles she has faced, she has always stayed the course as not only an educational leader, but as a mother,” he said. 

“She has taken this challenge head-on and has never let it come between her and her students,” Yeager went on. “She exemplifies perseverance … Our students look up to her and realize that no matter how tough their situation is, that is not an excuse to not give it their all each and every day.”

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Beacons of support

Fox’s lifelong best friend, Lisa Saxon, and her sister, Lauren Baco, are among Fox’s biggest champions.

“Not many people can say their best friend is a real-life hero, but I can — and Kristin continues to defy the odds every day,” Saxon told Fox News Digital. 

Kristin Fox

Fox’s prosthetics company made her a customized mold for her toothbrush to go onto the residual limb of her arm. (Kristin Fox)

“Coming out of this as a quadruple amputee was life-changing, but it has only made her and everyone around her stronger.”

Baco cited a quote that reflects what her sister has gone through: “You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left.”

Baco added, “Kristin has shown every day how strong and resilient she is, taking on the day as if she has no limits or barriers.”

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DOCTORS URGE VACCINATIONS AHEAD OF THIS YEAR’S FLU SEASON, WHICH COULD BE ‘FAIRLY BAD,’ EXPERTS SAY

The Youngstown community has rallied around Fox, organizing multiple fundraisers to help with her very steep medical expenses. Although insurance has covered some of her care, the out-of-pocket costs have been high — and there have also been expensive renovations to make the family’s home more accessible.

“Youngstown is not rich, but when something like this happens to somebody, they find ways to help,” she said. “That’s part of small-town pride.”

Kristin Fox with family

Fox is pictured with her family at her surprise 40th birthday party, one year and one month after the day she first got sick. (Kristin Fox)

“People send me stuff and stop me in the store and say, ‘I pray for you all the time,’” she added. “Those are the people who got us through.”

Overall, Fox said her ordeal has wholly shifted her perspective.

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“Sometimes I catch myself complaining, but then I remind myself that my kids could have been mourning my death,” she said.

“They’re 12 and 10 now, and I can’t imagine them living without me.”

What to know about sepsis risk

Each year, at least 1.7 million adults in the U.S. develop sepsis, and nearly 270,000 die from the infection, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

Dr. Marc Siegel, clinical professor of medicine at NYU Langone Medical Center and a Fox News medical contributor, called the flu “a great enabler” of more severe illness.

“A bacterial secondary infection is very common, upwards of 20% to 30%,” he told Fox News Digital. “This can be anything from a sinus infection to bronchitis, meningitis or pneumonia.”

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Kristin Fox with daughter

Kristin Fox is pictured with her daughter, Laiken. (Kristin Fox)

The flu can cause an inflammatory response called a cytokine storm, the doctor noted, which interferes with the body’s ability to fight off a subsequent bacterial infection.

“If bacterial pneumonia goes undiagnosed for awhile, sepsis can occur, as the bacteria spreads to the bloodstream,” Siegel warned.

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“If blood pressure drops too low, blood flow to the extremities drops off and tissue can die, leading to the need for amputation.”

Although the secondary bacterial infection is common, it is “very uncommon” for it to lead to sepsis, Siegel said.

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Warning signs of sepsis include high fever, fatigue, dizziness and weakness. 

To help prevent limb loss, Siegel said it’s important to get the patient to the hospital quickly and to start broad-spectrum antibiotics.

Kristin Fox

Fox is pictured on the day she gave the commencement address at her alma mater, Youngstown State University, in May 2021. (Kristin Fox)

“When the source of the infection is confirmed, use vasopressors to clamp down on arteries to preserve blood flow to vital organs and increase blood pressure,” he recommended.

Doctors should also monitor the extremities and levels of serum lactate, which measures the amount of lactic acid in the blood. 

These levels can go up if the body’s tissues are not getting enough oxygen, Siegel said.

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Fox said she hopes her story can help people — not only patients, but also the medical community — to be more aware of the signs of sepsis.

“I can’t go back and change [things],” she said. “I can only hope to be an advocate for the future.”

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Insulin Prices Dropped. But Some Poor Patients Are Paying More.

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Insulin Prices Dropped. But Some Poor Patients Are Paying More.

Maricruz Salgado was bringing her diabetes under control. Thanks to a federal program that allowed health clinics that serve poor people to buy drugs at steeply discounted prices, she was able to pay less than $75 for all five of her diabetes medications every three months.

But in July, the cost of three of those drugs soared. Ms. Salgado, who does not have health insurance, suddenly faced costs of hundreds of dollars per month. She could not afford it.

Her doctor switched her to cheaper medicines. Within days of taking one of them, she experienced dizzy spells so severe that she said could barely keep up with her hectic daily schedule as a phlebotomist and an in-home caregiver. By the time she returned to the doctor in September, her blood sugar levels had ticked up.

“We were in a good place,” said Dr. Wesley Gibbert, who treats Ms. Salgado at Erie Family Health Centers, a network of clinics in Chicago that serves patients regardless of their ability to pay. “And then all the medicines had to change.”

The price hikes at the clinic happened for a reason that is symptomatic of the tangled web of federal policies that regulate drug pricing. In 2024, drug makers lowered the sticker price of dozens of common medications, which allowed them to avoid massive penalties imposed by the American Rescue Plan, the Covid relief package passed three years earlier. But that change backfired for low-income people like Ms. Salgado.

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The decision to make these medications more affordable for large swaths of patients has quietly created another problem: a severe financial hit to the clinics that are tasked by the federal government with caring for the country’s poorest people. These nonprofit clinics operate in every state and serve nearly 32.5 million people, or about 10 percent of the country’s population.

“It’s the law of unintended consequences,” said Beth Powell, the director of pharmacy at The Centers, which operates five community health clinics in the Cleveland area. Ms. Powell said that while many consumers benefited from the companies’ decision to lower prices, “for our folks, that is not the case.”

More than 1,000 community health clinics around the country rely on a decades-old federal program that requires drug companies to offer them deep discounts.

Under the 340B program, as it is called, companies typically sell their brand-name drugs to clinics at a discount, at 23 percent or more off the list price. The same discount scheme applies to state Medicaid plans. But if a company raises a drug’s list price above the rate of inflation, a penalty kicks in, forcing it to offer even deeper discounts to the clinics.

For years, that meant that every time a company raised a drug’s list price above inflation, community clinics paid less for it. Many drugs, including insulin, essentially became free.

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But the American Rescue Plan made a major change that hit drug companies with even larger penalties for raising prices. In January 2024, companies that continued to raise a drug’s price would have to pay state Medicaid plans every time those drugs were used, potentially costing the industry billions of dollars.

“That was a bridge too far” for the companies, said Antonio Ciaccia, a drug-pricing researcher who advises state governments and employers.

Manufacturers lowered the price of at least 77 drugs in 2023 and 2024, according to an analysis by a nonprofit that Mr. Ciaccia leads. The list includes widely used asthma drugs like Advair and Symbicort, as well as diabetes treatments like Victoza, which Ms. Salgado used before the change.

Once the pharmaceutical companies lowered their list prices, the inflation penalties evaporated. That meant community clinics had to start paying the usual discounts of 23 percent or more off the list price — far more than the pennies they used to pay.

“Unfortunately, the complexities of the U.S. health care system can reduce access and affordability for many,” Jamie Bennett, a spokeswoman for Novo Nordisk, which makes Victoza, said in a statement. “Even when we lower our prices, too often people don’t receive the savings — this is a problem.” She said the company also has patient assistance programs to make its products more affordable.

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David Bowman, a spokesman for the Health Resources and Services Administration, which oversees the 340B discounts, did not respond to questions about how community health clinics were affected by the lowered drug prices. He said that other recent policies, including directing Medicare to negotiate the price of drugs, had lowered drug costs for low-income patients.

Because of a six-month lag in the way that 340B discounts work, clinics were hit by the change last July. Some clinics began calling patients before their prescriptions expired, offering to switch them to less expensive medicines even though they sometimes had more serious side effects. Others decided to cover the higher out-of-pocket costs, which required dipping into already scarce reserves.

Ms. Salgado said a nurse from Erie called over the summer to tell her about the pricing changes. Until then, she had paid about $15 for a three-month supply of Victoza, which is injected daily to keep blood sugar down. After July, the cost rose to more than $300.

After a few weeks, Ms. Salgado adjusted to the replacement, Byetta, and her dizziness subsided. But the drug must be injected twice a day instead of once. And Ms. Salgado must now use a special pharmacy 20 minutes from her house to qualify for the federal discount on the two insulin drugs she was switched to, the result of increasingly strict rules that companies are imposing on health clinics.

Ms. Salgado, who is 39, said she is determined to avoid the fate of her mother, who died of diabetes complications at 54. But keeping up with frequent pharmacy visits and medication changes is tough. “Sometimes it does get to a point where it’s like, I just don’t want to do this anymore,” she said.

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The changes are also making it harder for community clinics to offer other services.

Under the 340B program, clinics buy the discounted drugs on behalf of their patients. When those patients have insurance, the clinics can then bill insurers for the regular, higher price, pocketing the difference. But now that spread — the difference between how much they pay for the drug and what insurance will cover — has dwindled. That has left clinics with less money to spend on services that are not otherwise covered by government grants or insurance, such as helping patients find housing.

At Valley View Health Center, a network of clinics that serves patients in rural Washington, the 340B money once financed a mental health program that employed eight therapists. In September, the clinic halted the program, laying off the therapists.

“It was such an abrupt change for us that it has definitely affected our ability to care for our patients the way that we needed to,” said Gaelon Spradley, the clinic’s chief executive.

Some patients who have seen costs go up have qualified for patient-assistance programs offered by drug makers. That was the case for Lorena Sarmiento, another patient at Erie Health who uses Lantus, an insulin pen. Last fall, after the 340B discount changed, she was quoted $490 at her pharmacy — the retail price for a box of insulin pens. Erie Health sent her to another pharmacy, which helped her sign up for a manufacturer’s coupon that lowered her cost to $35 per month.

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Doctors and pharmacists at several health clinics said such drug-company assistance programs can be hit or miss. Sometimes they last for a limited time or require that a patient reapply regularly. Patients often have to be legal residents of the United States or have a fixed address.

“It’s a lengthy process, and it’s a lot of hoop-jumping,” said Michael Lin, the chief of pharmacy operations at Family Health Centers in Louisville, Kentucky.

Ms. Sarmiento and her husband, Luis, spend about $500 per month on her medical needs, including special food, medications and a glucose monitor. They are no longer facing the highest insulin price, but their costs are still 10 times what they were just a few months ago, when they spent about $10 on three months’ worth of insulin.

Mr. Sarmiento said he tries not to complain. “You always have to look on the good side,” he said. “But lately, that’s been hard.”

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Nutritionists react to the red food dye ban: 'Took far too long'

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Nutritionists react to the red food dye ban: 'Took far too long'

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The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced a ban this week on red dye No. 3, or erythrosine, from foods and oral medications due to a potential cancer risk.

Food manufacturers have until Jan. 2027 to remove the dye (Red 3) from their products, and drug manufacturers have until Jan. 2028, the Associated Press reported.

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The dye was removed from cosmetics nearly 35 years ago for the same cancer-related concerns.

FDA BANS RED FOOD DYE DUE TO POTENTIAL CANCER RISK

Following the Wednesday announcement of the new ban, nutritionists and other health experts applauded the removal of the additives from America’s food supply.

Los Angeles-based registered dietitian nutritionist Ilana Muhlstein shared excitement about the FDA “finally” banning the synthetic dye that has been in candy, cereals and strawberry-flavored drinks for “far too long.”

Red 3 can be found in a variety of food products, most commonly candies and colorful sweets. (iStock)

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“What is wild is that this decision comes over three decades after the same dye was banned in cosmetics like lipstick because there was enough evidence linking it to cancer in animals,” she told Fox News Digital.

CALIFORNIA PROPOSES BILL TO BAN SOME FOOD PRODUCTS WHILE NUTRITIONISTS FRET ABOUT ‘GROSS’ INGREDIENTS

“For years, consumer advocacy groups and researchers have pushed for this change, citing not only cancer risks but also potential links to hyperactivity and ADHD in kids.”

Certified holistic nutritionist and The Power of Food Education founder Robin DeCicco, based in New York, commented that “it’s about time” Red 3 was banned.

Woman eating candy

A certified holistic nutritionist (not pictured) warned that red dye No. 3 appears in some products that “you’d never expect.” (iStock)

“It never made sense to me why the dye was taken out of lipsticks and blushes 30 years ago but has been allowed to be in our food supply,” she reiterated to Fox News Digital. “There has been evidence of the dye causing cancer in rats for decades.”

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“Our kids deserved better, and it’s frustrating that it took this long for action to be taken.”

While the ban is an “obvious win for public health,” she still feels “frustrated” that it took so long, she said.

“The FDA became aware of the risks in the 1980s, and other countries, like those in the EU, banned red dye No. 3 years ago,” she noted. “Yet big food manufacturers lobbied hard to delay this decision because these artificial dyes are cheap, convenient and profitable.”

strawberry milk

Red dye No. 3 is often used in strawberry flavoring, according to experts. (iStock)

The dye was commonly used in products that are primarily marketed to children, she noted, such as colorful lollipops, candies and breakfast cereals.

“Our kids deserved better, and it’s frustrating that it took this long for action to be taken,” Muhlstein added.

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‘Stay informed’

The ban is a “step forward,” but Muhlstein said it’s also a reminder to “stay informed about what we’re feeding our families.”

Red dye No. 3 is included in other products that aren’t so obvious, including some pre-packaged vegan meats, fruit cups, mini muffin snacks, mashed potatoes, yellow rice and sugar-free water flavors, according to experts.

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DeCicco encouraged consumers to always read the ingredient label and to look for natural replacements for these products.

Kid eating sugary cereal

The dye was commonly used in products that are primarily marketed to children, such as colorful lollipops, candies and breakfast cereals. (iStock)

“It’s not about deprivation or restriction – I always say it’s about eating foods with high-quality ingredients,” she said. “The ingredients matter more than anything else, and they’re out there.”

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“I have worked with many families with kids who have ADHD, and removing sugar and artificial food dyes and additives can in some cases lessen symptoms (as one part of treatment),” DeCicco added.

Colorful food without carcinogens

While nutritionists recommend that consumers stay away from foods that contain red dye or erythrosine on the label, there are healthier, natural alternatives to keep food fun.

pink cupcakes in a tray

Using alternatives for red dye like pomegranate juice or fruit powder can keep food fun, according to nutritionists. (iStock)

Muhlstein recommended adding 1 to 2 tablespoons of pomegranate juice to a baking recipe, such as vanilla cake, to give the batter a natural red hue.

She also suggested mixing crushed-up, freeze-dried strawberries into white frosting or whipped cream.

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“Beetroot powder, hibiscus powder and even mashed raspberries are great alternatives, too,” she added.

Fox News Digital’s Melissa Rudy contributed reporting. 

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Mom’s Gripes About Sister-in-Law Put Daughter in a Bind

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Mom’s Gripes About Sister-in-Law Put Daughter in a Bind

My mother is hypercritical of my brother’s wife, to the point that she blames my sister-in-law for my brother’s “failings” (not getting a better job, not taking better care of his health, etc.). It has gotten worse now that there are grandchildren. My mother constantly criticizes how my sister-in-law is raising the kids, who are lovely and adore their grandparents.

Although my mother will occasionally raise criticisms with my sister-in-law and brother, I am mostly her audience.

I have a great relationship with my sister-in-law, and when my mother goes off on one of her rants, I defend her. I tell my mother how lucky she is to have such wonderful grandchildren, and point out that my brother is an adult who makes his own decisions. This just leads to an argument between my mother and me.

When I finally told my mother how much it hurts me to hear her say these things about my sister-in-law, she said that she needed to air her frustrations with someone. I want to be there for my mother, but I don’t like being put in this position. How do I navigate this?

From the Therapist: The short answer to your question is that you can navigate this by no longer engaging in these conversations. But I imagine you already know this. What you might be less aware of is that you aren’t being “put in this position” of supportive daughter, protective sister-in-law and unwilling confidante. You’ve chosen it, and it’s worth examining why you’ve signed up for a job you don’t want — and what makes it hard to resign.

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Usually when we find ourselves repeatedly engaging in uncomfortable family patterns, it’s because they echo familiar roles from our childhood. It sounds as if you’re struggling with enmeshment, a relationship pattern in which boundaries between family members become blurred or are nonexistent.

Think of enmeshment as being like two trees that have grown so close together that their branches have become intertwined. While this might look like closeness, it actually prevents either tree from growing in a healthy way. In your case, your mother’s emotions and grievances have become so entangled with your own emotional life that it’s hard to distinguish where her feelings end and yours begin.

You mention wanting to “be there” for your mom even though these conversations hurt you. Many adult children who struggle to say no to their parents grew up serving as their parents’ emotional support system, or absorbing their parents’ feelings, even at the expense of their own. When you told your mother how much her venting hurt you, she responded not by acknowledging your feelings, but by asserting her need to “air her frustrations.” Her response reveals something important: She sees you as a vessel for her emotional overflow rather than as someone with valid feelings of your own. And yet, despite your hurt, you’re still more concerned about her feelings than yours.

You’re asking how to navigate this situation, but I think the deeper question is: How can you begin to value your own emotional needs?

You can start by reframing what it means to make a reasonable request, which is essentially what setting a boundary is. A boundary isn’t about pushing someone away. Instead, it’s about making a bid for connection. It’s saying:I want to feel good being close to you, but when you do X, it makes me want to avoid you. Help me come closer.”

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Establishing a boundary consists of three steps:

  • State the issue and the desire to come closer (what will make this possible): “Mom, I love you and want to support you, but these conversations about my sister-in-law put me in an impossible position and make me want to avoid talking with you, which I know isn’t what either of us wants. I’m happy to talk about other things together, but in order to keep our relationship strong, I need this topic to be off limits.”

  • Set the boundary (what you will do): “If you’re struggling with their choices, I’m happy to support you in finding a therapist who can help you work through these feelings. But if you bring up these frustrations with me, I’m going to end the conversation and we can talk another time about other things.”

  • Hold the boundary (do what you say): A boundary isn’t about what the other person will or won’t do. A boundary is a contract with yourself. If you say you’ll end the conversation when your mom brings up your sister-in-law, you need to hold that boundary every single time. If you end the conversation only 90 percent of the time, then why would the other person honor your request when 10 percent of the time, you can’t honor it yourself? Honoring your request might sound like: “Mom, I’m going to end the conversation now because I’m not comfortable talking about my sister-in-law. I love you, and we’ll talk later.”

If you start to feel guilty, remember that just because someone sends you guilt doesn’t mean you have to accept delivery. Remind yourself that when you become your mother’s outlet for criticism of your sister-in-law, you’re participating in a cycle that strains loyalties and causes you personal distress. And keep in mind that being a good daughter means setting boundaries that encourage our parents to grow, rather than enabling patterns that harm our family relationships.

Want to Ask the Therapist? If you have a question, email askthetherapist@nytimes.com. By submitting a query, you agree to our reader submission terms. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.

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