Health
Mom’s Gripes About Sister-in-Law Put Daughter in a Bind
My mother is hypercritical of my brother’s wife, to the point that she blames my sister-in-law for my brother’s “failings” (not getting a better job, not taking better care of his health, etc.). It has gotten worse now that there are grandchildren. My mother constantly criticizes how my sister-in-law is raising the kids, who are lovely and adore their grandparents.
Although my mother will occasionally raise criticisms with my sister-in-law and brother, I am mostly her audience.
I have a great relationship with my sister-in-law, and when my mother goes off on one of her rants, I defend her. I tell my mother how lucky she is to have such wonderful grandchildren, and point out that my brother is an adult who makes his own decisions. This just leads to an argument between my mother and me.
When I finally told my mother how much it hurts me to hear her say these things about my sister-in-law, she said that she needed to air her frustrations with someone. I want to be there for my mother, but I don’t like being put in this position. How do I navigate this?
From the Therapist: The short answer to your question is that you can navigate this by no longer engaging in these conversations. But I imagine you already know this. What you might be less aware of is that you aren’t being “put in this position” of supportive daughter, protective sister-in-law and unwilling confidante. You’ve chosen it, and it’s worth examining why you’ve signed up for a job you don’t want — and what makes it hard to resign.
Usually when we find ourselves repeatedly engaging in uncomfortable family patterns, it’s because they echo familiar roles from our childhood. It sounds as if you’re struggling with enmeshment, a relationship pattern in which boundaries between family members become blurred or are nonexistent.
Think of enmeshment as being like two trees that have grown so close together that their branches have become intertwined. While this might look like closeness, it actually prevents either tree from growing in a healthy way. In your case, your mother’s emotions and grievances have become so entangled with your own emotional life that it’s hard to distinguish where her feelings end and yours begin.
You mention wanting to “be there” for your mom even though these conversations hurt you. Many adult children who struggle to say no to their parents grew up serving as their parents’ emotional support system, or absorbing their parents’ feelings, even at the expense of their own. When you told your mother how much her venting hurt you, she responded not by acknowledging your feelings, but by asserting her need to “air her frustrations.” Her response reveals something important: She sees you as a vessel for her emotional overflow rather than as someone with valid feelings of your own. And yet, despite your hurt, you’re still more concerned about her feelings than yours.
You’re asking how to navigate this situation, but I think the deeper question is: How can you begin to value your own emotional needs?
You can start by reframing what it means to make a reasonable request, which is essentially what setting a boundary is. A boundary isn’t about pushing someone away. Instead, it’s about making a bid for connection. It’s saying: “I want to feel good being close to you, but when you do X, it makes me want to avoid you. Help me come closer.”
Establishing a boundary consists of three steps:
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State the issue and the desire to come closer (what will make this possible): “Mom, I love you and want to support you, but these conversations about my sister-in-law put me in an impossible position and make me want to avoid talking with you, which I know isn’t what either of us wants. I’m happy to talk about other things together, but in order to keep our relationship strong, I need this topic to be off limits.”
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Set the boundary (what you will do): “If you’re struggling with their choices, I’m happy to support you in finding a therapist who can help you work through these feelings. But if you bring up these frustrations with me, I’m going to end the conversation and we can talk another time about other things.”
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Hold the boundary (do what you say): A boundary isn’t about what the other person will or won’t do. A boundary is a contract with yourself. If you say you’ll end the conversation when your mom brings up your sister-in-law, you need to hold that boundary every single time. If you end the conversation only 90 percent of the time, then why would the other person honor your request when 10 percent of the time, you can’t honor it yourself? Honoring your request might sound like: “Mom, I’m going to end the conversation now because I’m not comfortable talking about my sister-in-law. I love you, and we’ll talk later.”
If you start to feel guilty, remember that just because someone sends you guilt doesn’t mean you have to accept delivery. Remind yourself that when you become your mother’s outlet for criticism of your sister-in-law, you’re participating in a cycle that strains loyalties and causes you personal distress. And keep in mind that being a good daughter means setting boundaries that encourage our parents to grow, rather than enabling patterns that harm our family relationships.
Want to Ask the Therapist? If you have a question, email askthetherapist@nytimes.com. By submitting a query, you agree to our reader submission terms. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.
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Health
Men may need to work twice as hard as women to prevent potentially deadly disease
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Men may need to exert double the amount of effort as women to fend off heart disease.
That’s according to new research from China that found men need twice as much exercise as women to lower their risk.
The study, published in the journal Nature Cardiovascular Research, analyzed data from more than 85,000 participants in the U.K. Biobank to pinpoint gender differences regarding physical activity and the incidence of coronary heart disease (also known as coronary artery disease).
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Data was pulled from wearable accelerometers, like smartwatches, for a defined period to measure the amount of moderate to vigorous physical activity.
The participants, who did not have coronary heart disease at the start of the study, were monitored for nearly eight years to determine how many developed heart disease and how many died from it.
Men need double the amount of exercise as women to prevent coronary heart disease, research suggests. (iStock)
The average age for the incidence study was about 61 years and 57.3% were women. The mortality study had an average age of about 66 and 30% were women.
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After adjusting for other heart disease risk factors, like BMI (body mass index) and smoking, the researchers found a “notable” difference between men and women.
Specifically, they discovered that women experienced lower risk levels with half the minutes of activity as men.

The association between coronary heart disease risk and physical activity was consistent for both onset of disease and mortality. (iStock)
In terms of developing heart disease, an extra 30 minutes of exercise per week was linked to a 2.9% lower risk in females and a 1.9% lower risk in men.
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Meeting the standard 150 minutes per week of recommended exercise lowered the women’s incidence risk by 22%, while men’s risk was lowered by 17%.
A further extended workout regimen of 300 minutes, or five hours, per week reduced the risk by 21% for females and only 11% for men.
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For about a 30% reduction in coronary heart disease incidence risk, women need about 250 minutes of exercise per week, while men need about 530 minutes, according to the researchers.

For about a 30% reduction in coronary heart disease incidence risk, women need about 250 minutes of exercise per week, while men need about 530 minutes. (iStock)
When it comes to mortality from heart disease, sticking to 150 minutes of exercise per week reduced women’s risk by a whopping 70%, and only lowered men’s risk by 19%.
To reduce coronary heart disease mortality by 30%, women need about 51 minutes of exercise per week and men need about 85 minutes.
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The researchers commented in the study that these findings “underscore the value of sex-specific tailored coronary heart disease prevention strategies using wearable devices, which may help bridge the ‘gender gap’ by motivating females to engage in physical activity.”
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Fox News senior medical analyst Dr. Marc Siegel spoke about the study on “America’s Newsroom” on Tuesday.
“I can tell you, having been married for almost 30 years, that women are better than men. There’s no question about it,” he said. “Physiologically, spiritually, women are superior.”

To reduce coronary heart disease mortality by 30%, women need about 51 minutes of exercise per week and men need about 85 minutes. (iStock)
Siegel noted that men have higher levels of testosterone, which is “bad for cholesterol,” and tend to build up fat “in the wrong places” in the gut, leading to inflammation.
“We smoke more, we drink more, we don’t exercise as much,” Siegel said about men in general. “All of that puts us at risk for heart disease.”
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According to the doctor, women “start to catch up” with increased risk after menopause, although it “takes a long time.”
“With all these risks, [men] need the exercise way more than women do to make up for it,” Siegel added.
Health
Inside the Poisonous Smoke Killing Wildfire Fighters at Young Ages
Across the country, wildfire fighters work for weeks at a time in poisonous smoke.
The government says they are protected.
We tested the air at one fire to find out why they are still dying.
Across the country, wildfire fighters work for weeks at a time in poisonous smoke.
The government says they are protected.
We tested the air at one fire to find out why they are still dying.
It’s July and the Green fire is tearing through Northern California. An elite federal firefighting crew called the La Grande Hotshots has been sent to help. The 24-person crew has been working for days on the front lines, where invisible toxins hide in the thick haze.
More than 1,000 firefighters are on the fire. Several crews, including the La Grande Hotshots, are trying to contain the flames by building a trench of bare earth that will stretch from a road to a river bank. They’re doing this at night, in hopes that the cooler air will tamp down the smoke.
The crew knows that they’re risking their health.
One longtime member died last year after being diagnosed at 40 with brain cancer. A former crew leader is being treated for both leukemia and lymphoma diagnosed in his 40s. Another colleague was recently told that he has the lungs of a lifelong chainsmoker.
Wildfire fighters nationwide are getting sick and dying at young ages, The New York Times has reported. The federal government acknowledges that the job is linked to lung disease, heart damage and more than a dozen kinds of cancer.
But the U.S. Forest Service, which employs thousands of firefighters, has for decades ignored recommendations from its own scientists to monitor the conditions at the fire line and limit shifts when the air becomes unsafe.
To find out how harmful the air gets on an average-size wildfire, Times reporters brought sensors to the Green fire this summer. We tracked levels of some of the most lethal particles in the air, called PM2.5, which are so tiny that they can enter the bloodstream and cause lasting damage.
Readings above 225.5 micrograms per cubic meter are considered hazardous. On the fire line, levels regularly exceeded 500.
The fire began on July 1 after a lightning storm passed over the Shasta-Trinity National Forest.
By July 16, much of the area was shrouded in smoke.
Around 6 p.m., the La Grande Hotshots started their shift and set off toward the fire line.
Capt. Nick Schramm, a crew leader, assumed the air was reasonably safe. He has done this work for nearly two decades, and like most firefighters, he often has coughing fits after long shifts. But he believes that exposure to hazardous air is unavoidable.
“That’s just the harsh truth,” he said later.
As climate change makes fire seasons worse, several states have tried to shield outdoor workers from wildfire smoke, which can contain poisons like arsenic, benzene and lead. California now requires employers to monitor air quality during fires, and to provide breaks and masks when the air turns unhealthy.
But these rules don’t apply on the wildfires themselves, because state agencies and private companies successfully argued that those constraints would get in the way of fighting fires.
Until recently, federal firefighters weren’t even allowed to wear masks on the job. Masks are now provided, but they are still banned during the most arduous work, closest to the fire. The Forest Service says face coverings could cause heatstroke, though wildland firefighters in other countries regularly use masks without this problem.
As crews descended the ridge toward the fire line, the levels of toxic particles nearly doubled.
Firefighters say that during their shifts they worry more about immediate dangers — falling trees, burns, sharp tools — than about smoke exposure. As the La Grande crew hiked down the steep terrain, Lily Barnes, a squad leader, concentrated on keeping her footing.
Back home in the off-season, she sometimes wonders what the smoke is doing to her body, she said in an interview. “Maybe I’ll realize one day I shouldn’t have been doing this work.”
The handbook issued to Forest Service crews has 10 words of guidance for smoke exposure on the fire line: “If needed, rotate resources in and out of smoky areas.” The agency declined to comment for this story, but in the past has told The Times that while exposure cannot be completely eliminated, rotating crews helps limit risk.
In practice, according to interviews with hundreds of firefighters, workers feel as though they are sent into smoke and then forgotten. Over months of reporting, Times journalists never saw a boss pull a crew back because of exposure.
Even experienced supervisors can’t tell exactly how unhealthy the air is just by looking.
Chuy Elguezabal, the La Grande superintendent, says he pulls his crews out of smoke when it becomes impossible for them to work — when they cannot see or breathe, or they are overcome by headaches and coughing fits.
On the Green fire, he said, the smoke seemed like more of an inconvenience, like the 105-degree daytime heat or the poison oak that had given many of the firefighters weeping sores.
Since the 1990s, Forest Service researchers have suggested giving crews wearable air sensors, but the agency hasn’t done it. Other dangerous workplaces, like coal mines, have long been required to monitor airborne hazards.
On the Green fire, The Times used a device that weighs as much as a deck of cards and costs about $200.
Last year, firefighters wore the same devices during a small federal research project to measure their exposure. For hours, those readings stayed at 1,000 — as high as the monitors go — according to Zach Kiehl, a consultant who worked on the project.
Mr. Kiehl said that ideally, crews would be issued monitors to know when to put on masks or pull back from a smoky area. “You can pay now and prevent future cases, or pay out later when a person is losing a husband or a father,” he said.
The firefighters believe that the decision to work at night has paid off: The smoke occasionally got thick, but didn’t seem bad compared with other fires they have worked. They think the exposure was fleeting.
In fact, the monitors show, the air was never safe.
Methodology
To measure particulate concentrations at the Green fire, The Times followed U.S. Forest Service crews and carried two Atmotube PRO sensors. These portable, inexpensive monitors are the same as those the Forest Service has tested in the field.
We consulted with Dr. Aishah Shittu, an environmental health scientist, and Dr. Jim McQuaid, an atmospheric scientist, both from the University of Leeds. They are co-authors of a study showing that Atmotube Pro sensors demonstrated good performance for measuring fine particulate matter concentrations despite being a fraction of the size of reference-grade models. We also developed our approach in consultation with experts from the Interior Department and the Forest Service.
On the Green fire, the sensors recorded minute-by-minute averages of airborne particles that are 2.5 micrometers in diameter or smaller. The Times then matched these readings with timestamps and locations from a satellite-enabled GPS watch.
Generally, the harm associated with PM2.5 levels is calculated based on a 24-hour average. Here, for near-real-time monitoring on the fire line, we followed the guidance of Drs. Shittu and McQuaid by first averaging the readings from the two sensors and then calculating a 15-minute rolling average.
Using those figures, we categorized the health risks of PM2.5 exposure according to standards set by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency. We used standards meant for the public because there are no federal occupational standards for wildfire smoke exposure.
After averaging, our data had a correlation coefficient of 0.98 and a mean coefficient of variation between the two sensors of 7.5 percent. The E.P.A. recommends that PM2.5 air measurements have a correlation coefficient of at least 0.7 and a mean coefficient of variation less than 30 percent. Our correlation and variance measures gave us confidence that the sensors were largely in agreement.
The 3-D base map in this article uses Google’s Photorealistic 3D Tiles, which draw from the following sources to create the tiles: Google; Airbus; Landsat / Copernicus; Data SIO, NOAA, U.S. Navy, NGA, GEBCO; IBCAO.
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