Finance
That Article In 'The Cut' About The Financial Columnist Who Fell For A Shockingly Obvious Scam Is A Reminder That The Only Safe Place For Your Money Is In Non-Running Cars – The Autopian
I’m not sure if you’ve spent any time this week on the vast network of computers and EKG machines and cash registers that we collectively call “the internet,” but yesterday and today everyone seemed to be talking about an article on the website The Cut written by a financial advice columnist who got scammed out of $50,000. I’m pretty sure the article was such a popular topic of discussion because it contained so much rich, creamery schadenfreude packaged in such an appetizing way: a smug, wealthy person who literally writes about “financial literacy” for a living, getting convinced by the most inane, transparent of scams into cramming $50,000 into a shoebox and throwing it into the window of a Mercedes-Benz SUV. It’s a hell of a ride, but, more importantly, it lays bare the one bit of truly worthy financial advice: The only smart way to keep your money safe is clearly to transform that wealth into many non-running cars that you can then litter about your property or along a nearby street.
The financial-advice columnist, Charlotte Cowles, definitely went through something shitty: She got an unsolicited call from someone claiming to be Amazon, talking about some unexpected large purchases, and from there was transferred to people claiming to be from the Federal Trade Commission and then the CIA. They knew her Social Security number and information about her family, and talked her into pulling $50,000 from savings and giving it to someone purporting to be an undercover CIA agent.

In reading her account, the ruse seems glaringly obvious, and the insistence that she avoid telling her husband, lawyer, police or anyone should have made any remotely-familiar-with-modern-society person stop in their tracks and, you know, not give any money to these people. But that’s not how it played out.
To her credit, writing about it is a good thing to do, as it can help inform people of the dangers of such scams. She could have kept quiet, kept her reputation as a non-mark financial advice columnist intact, but she didn’t.
So, that was good of her, I suppose. I can respect that. Still, I can’t shake the feeling that my long-dead grandma, who spoke either six languages or none, depending on how strict you are with what defines a “language,” and who I think was illiterate, could have detected that something in the ham-fisted performance of these scammers was “off.”
[Editor’s Note: I want to make it clear that, though we’re poking fun at this columnist, we are empathetic. We don’t want her or anyone who is the victim of a scam to feel shame, especially given that this columnist mentions she had to attend therapy as a result of this incident. We wish her all the best; with that said, we’re just poking a bit of fun, here. And again, we respect her for telling this story and for raising awareness to this issue in a way that no public service announcement or less-compelling news story ever could. People are talking about scams right now, so Cowles’ story could really prevent someone from going through something similar. -DT].

The scam was the sort of thing that nobody I know would have fallen for, because no one I know would bother to take a phone call from “Amazon.” Amazon isn’t calling you! But, Cowles did think Amazon was calling her, and then the FTC, and then the freaking CIA, and she seems to have bought it all. If she was transferred to Sasquatch to confirm her bank account and routing numbers I have no reason to believe she wouldn’t have taken that call, too.
Cowles makes it very easy to be less than totally sympathetic because she notes how she’s an unlikely scam victim by writing this:
“Scam victims tend to be single, lonely, and economically insecure with low financial literacy. I am none of those things. I’m closer to the opposite. I’m a journalist who had a weekly column in the “Business” section of the New York Times. I’ve written a personal-finance column for this magazine for the past seven years. I interview money experts all the time and take their advice seriously. I’m married and talk to my friends, family, and colleagues every day.”
She’s clearly a person who comes from wealth — someone who can just get 50 grand at a moment’s notice without Googling “kidney removal to sell” and “do humans have a middle kidney” and in the end, she implies that the loss of that $50 large didn’t really affect her all that much.
Every step she takes in this thing makes you want to yell at your screen, in a vain attempt to stop someone from being such a rube, a patsy, a dummy. She’s a financial columnist! How? Why does she buy into this ridiculous crap? It’s maddening.
Okay, you just read the damn thing, I suppose. But, let’s get to the real important part here: She gave away $50,000 in a shoebox. Clearly, cash is not secure. It’s too portable, too easy to just lose or hand off. A strong wind or a horny dog can make $50,000 in cash disappear far too easily. And don’t get me started on electronic storage of money; that’s even worse — you can lose countless sums in microseconds, with no actually sensory notice or anything at all, just invisible electrons whizzing through highways of metals, or electromagnetic waves, gliding unseen through the air.
But you know what is a secure way to store your wealth? In the form of a car. Ideally, a non-running one.
‘Hold On, I’m Gonna Have To Rebuild This Motor And Tune This Carb, Then Sell A Few Cars Before I Get You That Cash’
My yard is currently littered with a 1989 Yugo, a 1977 Dodge RV, a 1973 Volkswagen Beetle, and a 1989 Ford F-150, all of which are, for some reason or another, currently immobile. Well, at least under their own power. And those heaps, sitting there, un-garaged, getting wet and a little moldy in places, generating their own rich, redolent smells, represent the vast majority of my material wealth here on Earth. This is why I really should be a financial-advice columnist for an outlet like The Cut or perhaps Oui, if they’re still in print.
You see, those four non-running cars are at that perfect point in their automotive lives that they’re really not losing value any more; they’re holding their considerable value, and, barring a horrible bout of rust or a falling tree or a determined bolt of lightning, are probably worth hundreds of thousands of dollars! At least, according to my math.

Maybe half a million? Who knows? The value of non-running Yugos, for example, has to be skyrocketing, as Yugos are just getting more and more rare, which, of course, is the primary determinant of car value, right? That’s why everyone who kept their Chevy Vegas and first-gen Honda Preludes are now likely, what, billionaires? That sounds right.
You see, a non-running car is a vault of wealth, one that can’t easily be moved from where you put it. That’s why the non-running thing is key. Also helpful are tires that have lost most of their air, and, even better, small trees that grow between the bumper and body, a biological security system that will definitely keep your investments safe.
So, if I get a call from Amazon, and, miraculously, answer it, and then just play improv-style “yes, and” to every request made by the voices on the other end, I know that my wealth is still safe and secure because any $50,000 I may have is in the form of a bunch of mildewing shitboxes killing the grass of my lawn or, perhaps more positively, keeping my precious driveway gravel secure. I literally can’t be scammed out of money over the phone! It’d take a scammer with a tow truck, a lot of free time, and a preternatural resistance to both tetanus and poison ivy to scam my wealth away from me.
And, if I need to return those cars into money, then all I have to do is, let’s see, reinstall some carbs after I get that engine un-seized, or install that new flywheel and rebuild a transmission, or figure out what the hell is wrong with those fuel injectors, I think, or why the timing doesn’t seem to be doing anything, and that’s um, it! Then it’s just a quick process of selling and boom, cars into cash! It’s foolproof.
So, as you get this article passed to you by friends looking to enjoy a satisfying, self-confident chuckle at someone else’s $50,000 worth of expense, I hope that you’ll take a moment to repay their favor with some genuinely good advice that they can definitely use: put your money into non-running cars, and litter them with pride alongside your street curbs, underground parking areas, or, ideally, lawn.
It’s the best possible financial advice there is. Take it from me, someone who just decided that they’re a financial-advice columnist and who has never, ever, been scammed out of $50,000.
I wonder how many more Yugos I can fit on my lawn?

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Finance
IMF warns tokenization could bring crypto risks into global financial markets
Tokenization, the representation of real-life assets on a blockchain, could reshape both crypto markets and traditional finance, while introducing new risks that regulators are not yet equipped to manage, according to the International Monetary Fund (IMF).
In a new report, the IMF described tokenization as more than a technical upgrade to markets. By moving assets like money, bonds and funds onto shared blockchains, transactions can settle instantly, cutting out intermediaries and reducing delays that define today’s markets.
The IMF says the “atomic settlement” that tokenization brings to the financial world could lower counterparty risk and force firms to manage liquidity in real time.
“Stress events are likely to unfold faster, leaving less time for discretionary intervention,” the report reads. “Therefore, ensuring stability requires that tokenized asset management remains anchored in safe settlement assets, legally recognized finality, and robust governance arrangements.”
The report points to stablecoins — tokens whose value is pegged to a fiat currency — as a key bridge between crypto and traditional finance. These could become widely used settlement assets across tokenized platforms, the report said.
Still, their reliability depends on reserves and redemption systems, leaving them exposed to runs under stress.
The IMF also warned that faster, automated markets could amplify volatility, while smart contracts that trigger margin calls or liquidations may accelerate selloffs during downturns. Such rapid declines have been seen in crypto markets,
Tokenized assets also can move instantly across jurisdictions, complicating oversight and raising concerns about capital flight and currency substitution in emerging markets, the IMF wrote.
The organization called for clearer legal frameworks and stronger global coordination, arguing that without them, tokenized finance could deepen fragmentation rather than improve efficiency.
Tokenization has been a growing theme in the crypto sector. Real-world assets added to blockchain rails have already topped $23.2 billion according to DeFiLlama data. Excluding stablecoins, the majority of that figure is in the form of tokenized gold or money market funds.
Finance
‘Hidden helpers’ supporting people struggling to manage their finances digitally
Some people are relying on potentially risky workarounds to manage their finances, a report has found.
Friends, family, carers and neighbours are spending hours each month patiently helping others with basic banking tasks, yet many “financial helpers” are doing so without any formal authority and help is often based on trust, according to a survey.
The research was led by consumer finance expert Faith Reynolds, with support from cash access and ATM network Link.
YouGov surveyed nearly 850 people across the UK who had helped someone with their banking or money management between December 2024 and December 2025.
The report found that people being helped often log in themselves with a helper beside them.
But a quarter (26%) of people surveyed said the person they help shares passcodes or security details with them.
And 17% said the people they help allow them to log in on their behalf on the helper’s device.
The report said: “Financial help is increasingly essential because, as branches have closed and banking has become digital, the responsibility for navigating complexity and preventing fraud has quietly shifted from institutions to individuals and families.”
More than half (54%) of people said they have no formal authority or access rights at all, meaning many people are relying on informal workarounds to provide the help needed.
While many helpers said they worry they will be accused of taking advantage of the person they are helping, 43% highlighted the risk of fraud and scams as a top concern for the person being helped.
Three in 10 (28%) said they had helped to stop or prevent scams or fraud.
The top tasks helpers selected include checking account balances, assisting with online payments or passcodes when shopping online, and making or scheduling payments.
To provide this support, financial helpers use mobile banking apps the most, followed by online banking via websites and ATMs.
The support provided is also not limited to banking, with 45% of helpers assisting others to use digital devices, 41% helping with managing utilities or bills, and 31% helping with using or setting up their television.
Nearly a third (31%) help setting up health appointments and 28% set up broadband or internet services.
Financial helpers are often fitting in helping alongside work and family commitments, such as children and jobs.
One helper told researchers they had been helping “about five years when their bank branch closed… They asked me for help after throwing their phone across the room because they couldn’t even log in.”
Another helper said: “Because of the rise of AI and scams, my father fell victim to this and couldn’t believe that the person wasn’t real.
Finance
Islanders encouraged to check car finance deals
Motorists in Jersey have been urged to check car finance deals after millions of drivers were mis-sold motor finance agreements and are set to receive compensation later this year.
The Financial Conduct Authority (FCA) set out its proposal for a redress scheme, costing lenders £9.1bn, last week – it’s estimated 12.1 million motor finance deals will meet the criteria.
The Jersey Consumer Council has encouraged anyone who thinks they might have been mis-sold car finance to contact the dealership or finance company who sold it.
It has created downloadable template letters for people to use to investigate potential commission issues in their agreements.
Pay-outs are expected to total an average of around £829 per person in compensation.
It said the letters, which can be sent to both car dealers and finance, would allow “consumers to take the first formal step in establishing how their finance was arranged”.
It said it was intended to help those affected find out whether commission was paid on their motor finance and whether that commission may have influenced the interest rate or terms of the loan.
Claims can be made for any car finance taken out after 2010.
The Consumer Council said in Jersey as with the UK, some arrangements allowed dealers to increase the interest rate offered to a customer in order to earn a higher commission, a practice that had since attracted regulatory and legal scrutiny.
It said the key issue was “transparency”.
“Borrowers should have been clearly told whether commission was being paid, how it was calculated, and whether it could affect the cost of their borrowing.”
The council said the letters were designed to be straightforward, and request written confirmation of whether discretionary or flat commission arrangements applied, or whether there were exclusive relationships between dealers and finance companies.
It added if commission arrangements did apply and were not disclosed, the letters allow customers to raise a formal complaint.
If firms were unable to confirm the position, the correspondence could also operate as a data subject access request, requiring companies to provide relevant records under Jersey’s data protection law.
It said once people received either a rejection letter, or no reply within three months, they could raise the issue with the Channel Islands Financial Ombudsman.
Follow BBC Jersey on X and Facebook. Send your story ideas to channel.islands@bbc.co.uk.
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