‘Shazam! Fury of the Gods’ review: 0 stars for a teenage trainwreck

Simply seven months after the world noticed “Black Adam” and was totally satisfied that the film was as little as DC Comics may probably go, right here comes “Shazam! Fury of the Gods” to outdo it within the limbo line of awfulness.

We’re speaking a couple of movie wherein the sentence “Probably the most highly effective factor about you… is you!” is uttered twice.

A movie with a personality named Steve, who’s an all-knowing, enchanted pen.

A movie wherein the villains reduce off all the metropolis of Philadelphia from the world utilizing a magical drive subject — a la Stephen King’s “Beneath The Dome” — and no one appears to thoughts, together with Philadelphians!

What occurred? The unique “Shazam” was a cute, modest, coming-of-age film with an brisk lead efficiency from Zachary Levi.

However there may be not one half-way respectable a part of “Fury of the Gods,” and even viewers who’re pathologically forgiving of the worst of comic-book motion pictures — and the decline is swift — will discover themselves asking why the smart historical wizard from the primary movie is now calling an Uber. Or if Philly is actually being saved by a unicorn that eats Skittles.

And our most urgent query of all: Do we have to begin a GoFundMe web page for Helen Mirren?

On the finish of the 2019 unique — which noticed teenage orphan Billy Batson change into mentioned wizard’s (Djimon Hounsou, jokier than earlier than) “champion” who has the flexibility to show into an grownup superhero (Zachary Levi) anytime he yells “Shazam!” — Billy’s 5 foster-kid siblings additionally all acquired extraordinary powers of their very own. 

Now, they’ve shaped a crime-fighting squad that’s not superb at their job. The native newspapers nickname them “The Philadelphia Fiascos.” 

They’re additionally nonetheless main their complicated hormonal lives in school, and Freddy (Jack Dylan Grazer, an especially likable and humorous actor “Shazam” doesn’t deserve) begins a bumbling flirtation with the mysterious new woman, Ann (Rachel Zegler from “West Facet Story”).  

However these misfit screwups need to show their mettle when the Daughters of Atlas, goddesses Hespera (Helen Mirren) and Kalypso (Lucy Liu), steal a harmful picket employees (to not point out the museum scene from “Black Panther”) and are available to Earth seeking to reclaim the powers the wizard stole from their papa eons in the past. 

The Atlas girls are solely new and had been by no means a part of any DC comics earlier than. That is sensible as they’re poorly developed and communicate largely in jokey buttons.

When the sisters plant a legendary tree within the Metropolis of Brotherly Love, and its big roots suffocate the metropolis, “Fury of the Gods” relocates to what seems to be a Rainforest Cafe for the ultimate 20 minutes.

I couldn’t assist however be reminded, whereas watching Mirren be very severe in a foolish Greek god outfit looking at an overgrown, unicorn-infested Philadelphia, that the actress received the Oscar for enjoying Queen Elizabeth II 16 years in the past this month. Now, she’s slummin’ it in “Xena” cosplay.

Henry Gayden and Chris Morgan’s script is a shambles, even for a style that’s largely exposition and one-liners. 

Why does a 17-year-old Billy know Bonnie Tyler’s “I Want A Hero” and crack Borscht Belt intercourse jokes comparable to “That was actually satisfying? How was it for you?” throughout combat scenes?

Then, within the heroes’ cave lair, Billy complains that his super-friends are beginning to go off and do their very own factor, as teenagers are wont to do. So, his pal Mary (Grace Caroline Currey) says to him, “Simply because Freddy desires to fly solo for 10 minutes doesn’t imply he’s gonna go away you want your mother.” That is the writing equal of the Ice Bucket Problem.

And with sub-par materials, Levi pretending to be a child and naively shouting and pouting has turned grating.

The ending of “Fury of the Gods,” directed by David F. Sandberg, is open-ended. You might interpret it both as connecting with the broader DC Prolonged Universe, or wrapping issues up with a smile whereas DC aggressively makes an attempt to reconfigure and course-correct its flailing movie sequence. 

My guess is that we received’t be listening to Billy yell “Shazam!” ever once more.