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Melania Is the Nightmare End Point of Celebrity Docs

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Melania Is the Nightmare End Point of Celebrity Docs

This is what we get for putting up with all those subject-approved portraits of famous people.
Photo: Amazon

We did this to ourselves. Not the second Trump presidency, though our representative democracy, however flawed, would hold that that’s on us as well. It’s Melania I’m talking about, the film about Slovenian-American fashion model turned First Lady Melania Trump, which arrived in theaters yesterday on a wave of infamy. Melania — made by Brett Ratner, a Hollywood hack who hasn’t directed since 2014 due to multiple allegations of sexual assault that emerged at the height of the MeToo movement — attracted a lot of attention for the $40 million that distributor Amazon paid for it, an unprecedented amount for a documentary even before you take into account that the company spent almost as much again on marketing. That eye-popping price looked less like an investment and more like a hefty tribute offered up to a corrupt strongman. Melania doesn’t stand a chance of making that amount back at the box office, but it doesn’t need to. It could play to thousands of empty houses all weekend and still be a success by the perverse metrics that led to its production.

The theater at my Union Square multiplex last night was maybe 40 percent full, and judging from the bursts of applause and occasional jeers, the crowd was made up with as many Donald Trump fans as hate watchers. This shouldn’t have come as any sort of surprise. Melania, which tracks its subject over the 20 days leading up to the 2025 inauguration, isn’t a MAGA screed arriving with raised middle fingers aimed at everyone who isn’t ready to get on board with its gilt-rimmed regime — though it can’t resist a few digs at the outgoing Biden administration by way of shots of a dazed-looking Joe and an exasperated Kamala Harris. Its aims are quieter and more insidious. Instead of leaning into the political, it insistently takes the form of a glossy celebrity documentary, a genre that’s become omnipresent and that we’ve been increasingly primed to accept even though it often consists of brand building exercises masquerading as movies. (The Beckham family docs, Lady Gaga or Selena Gomez’s projects, Arnold.) It attempts to enshrine Melania as the kind of figure everyone is so desperate to get more of that they’d endure this extravagantly boring experience made up of endless treks from black car to private plane to meeting to black car.

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“Everyone wants to know, so here it is,” Melania says at the start of Melania, kicking off a wooden narration full of awkward platitudes. This is a fascinatingly bold claim from a woman who showed no discernible signs of public personality throughout her husband’s first term in office, and whose legacy from that period consists mainly of goth Christmas decor and a confoundingly named public interest campaign with aims no one she meets with on screen appears to understand. And what, precisely, does everyone want to know? That Melania has very exacting taste in blouse necklines? That she loves white and gold as a color combination? That she’s a fan of Michael Jackson? This is the sort of previously forbidden knowledge that Melania deigns to let us in on. There’s a formula here, one that’s been ingrained into us by countless hours of accepting hagiographic movies and series offering subject-approved glimpses into the private selves of various famous people. These properties make promises about unprecedented access, but of course, everything we see is highly controlled and mediated, and in exchange for overlooking that fact, we’re treated to a few carefully doled out instances of real vulnerability.

That’s the bargain Melania nominally tries to strike as well, though it’s unable to offer convincing proof that there is anything going on beneath Melania’s impeccably manicured surface. Her voiceover is a numbing litany of meaningless observations and claims like “For me, it’s important that timeless elegance shines through every element of the inauguration’s decor, style, and design.” She is never seen in anything less than full hair and makeup, and she appears to only be capable of two facial expressions — a professional smile and a neutral face. At one point, Ratner shoots her watching news of the Los Angeles fires, and zooms in on her eyes as though he could create visible emotion there through sheer force of will.

Ratner, who never appears on screen, does sometimes speak up behind the camera, and during one especially surreal moment, goads Melania into singing along to “Billie Jean” with him during a car ride with desperation that speaks to how little workable material he realizes that he’s getting. An attempt to humanize the First Lady by showcasing her grief over the loss of her mother the year before instead ends up feeling mystifyingly unconvincing, maybe because the scene in which Melania visits St. Patrick’s Cathedral to light a candle is so slickly filmed that it looks like a commercial. When one of the priests offers Melania a blessing, she accepts with the exact tone someone would use when offered a warm towel on an airplane.

The gap between Melania’s insistently anodyne tone and what’s happened in the year since it was filmed can become downright vertiginous, especially when Melania intones observations about her immigrant journey and how “everyone should do what they can to protect our individual rights.” But the people who’ll seek out Melania aren’t going to care about how distant it is from or contradictory it is to our brutal realities, or care about how little it delivers in terms of manufactured intimacy. Because the sort of celebrity documentary that Melania has been made in the image of aren’t made for general audiences — they’re made for fans who treat the experience of viewing them as another act of devotion to their idols.

Melania can’t, despite its efforts, make its subject look like the movie star it tries to pretend she is, but she’s not the reason people will buy tickets. They’ve come to see her husband, who saunters in occasionally and, I hate to admit it, considerably livens up the proceedings because he knows how to play to a camera. There’s small consolation to the fact that Trump, who’s posted about having seen the movie twice, surely finds it as tedious an experience as I did. Melania has been described as having an audience of one, but that intended viewer’s taste runs more toward Ratner’s earlier work, and Rush Hour 4 is going to be a lot harder to manifest than this vanity project.

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Movie reviews reveal 2026’s best Certified Fresh films are arriving in March – Art Threat

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Movie Reviews reveal 2026’s best Certified Fresh films are arriving this month with stellar critical acclaim. March 2026 brings an extraordinary lineup of top-rated releases. Critics and audiences are celebrating these exceptional films together.

🔥 Quick Facts

  • Project Hail Mary: 95% Tomatometer, 96% audience score, released March 20, 2026
  • Certified Fresh Status: 75% critic rating or higher with 5+ Top Critics reviews required
  • March Releases: Hoppers (94%), GOAT (84%), Send Help (93%) all certified fresh
  • Streaming Options: Multiple platforms including Netflix, Peacock with exclusive March releases

Project Hail Mary Dominates with 95% Critical Acclaim

Project Hail Mary opened March 20, 2026, becoming the standout theatrical certif fresh hit of the month. Ryan Gosling stars as science teacher Ryland Grace, waking up light-years from home with no memory. The sci-fi epic, directed by Phil Lord and Chris Miller, earned 95% from critics and 96% audience approval. Cinephiles praise its visual splendor and emotional depth.

According to reviews, the film balances spectacular space sequences with genuine human moments that resonate deeply. Amazon MGM Studios released this 156-minute masterpiece based on Andy Weir’s beloved novel. Early box office numbers exceed expectations significantly.

Streaming Certified Fresh Titles Light Up March

March 24, 2026 delivered major streaming victories. GOAT (Greatest of All Time) hit platforms with 84% critic score and 93% audience approval. This animated sports comedy features Caleb McLaughlin as an anthropomorphic goat chasing championship glory. Send Help arrived simultaneously, earning 93% critical praise with 87% viewer satisfaction. Both titles capture hearts through humor and heart.

Streaming platforms flooded March with 69 new movies and shows total. Critics celebrated the diverse quality spanning cult classics, acclaimed dramas, and blockbuster franchises all at once.

Beyond the Blockbusters: Other Standout Certified Fresh March Releases

Title Tomatometer Score Release Date Status
Hoppers 94% March 6, 2026 Theaters
Ready or Not 2 73% March 20, 2026 Theaters
Late Shift 96% March 20, 2026 Theaters
Two Prosecutors 97% March 20, 2026 Theaters

“Visually, it is strong and immersive, but the real strength of Project Hail Mary is not spectacle alone. It is the sense of wonder and humanity running through the entire experience. The film knows when to be exciting, when to be funny, and when to slow down and let the emotional moments land.”

IMDb Critics, Film Review Community

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What Makes a Film Certified Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes

Certified Fresh status represents the industry’s gold standard for quality filmmaking. A movie earning this distinction must achieve at least 75% rating from professional critics. Additionally, films require 5 or more Top Critics reviews for certification. Recent updates tightened these standards to ensure only genuinely excellent films qualify.

This rigorous process explains why March’s nine certified fresh titles matter significantly. Critics spent hours analyzing each film thoroughly before adding their names. The combined critical weight behind these movies suggests spring viewing will be exceptional.

Plan Your March Movie Marathon Now – Which Film Will You Watch First?

Theater-goers should prioritize Project Hail Mary before it leaves cinemas. The 156-minute runtime demands a big screen experience. Meanwhile, streaming subscribers face delightful choices between GOAT’s comedy charm and Send Help’s heartfelt drama. Ready or Not 2 and Late Shift round out theatrical options perfectly.

New releases continue flowing through March 27, 2026, keeping entertainment options fresh. Kiki’s Delivery Service rereleased March 13, while Stand by Me returned March 27 with new appreciation. Which certified fresh film matches your mood this weekend?

Sources

  • Rotten Tomatoes – Official certification database and critical scoring system
  • Variety – Best movies streaming in March 2026 coverage
  • The Wrap – Most anticipated films arriving in March analysis

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MOVIE REVIEW: “THE KINDERHOOK CREATURE” is a fantastic deep dive into one of cryptozoology’s lesser-known mysteries – Rue Morgue

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MOVIE REVIEW: “THE KINDERHOOK CREATURE” is a fantastic deep dive into one of cryptozoology’s lesser-known mysteries – Rue Morgue

By BREANNA WHIPPLE

Starring Bruce G. Hallenbeck, Martha Hallenbeck and Paul Bartholomew
Directed by Seth Breedlove
Small Town Monsters

Whether you are a skeptic or a believer, it cannot be denied that certain pockets of our planet are hotspots for unusual activity. You’d be hard-pressed to find a person unfamiliar with the mysterious disappearances in the Bermuda Triangle, for example. Furthermore, places like Skinwalker Ranch in Utah have been documented extensively after multitudes of reports of various phenomena – UFOs, ghosts, cryptids, ancient shapeshifting elemental spirits that consume human flesh… it has it all. The Pacific Northwest is another location of intrigue with phenomena ranging from UFOs and cryptids to ghosts and sea monsters. 

More often than not, all that is supernatural seems to flow collectively. It’s not at all uncommon for grey aliens to come with a side of poltergeists and shapeshifters. Evidently, where there is smoke, there is fire. And Kinderhook, New York, is one such place ablaze with the high strangeness.

Nestled in the Hudson Valley, Kinderhook is an old town with even older legends. Despite being over 100km from the village of Sleepy Hollow, Kinderhook was the inspiration for Washington Irving’s The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. (Ichabod Crane was modelled after a Kinderhook schoolmaster; plaques honour this fact in the small community.) At a glance, one can sense an otherworldly ether in this place where the veil is seemingly especially thin.

THE KINDERHOOK CREATURE is a companion piece to The Kinderhook Creature & Beyond: A Personal Reminiscence by Bruce G. Hallenbeck. Naturally, Hallenbeck guides the unfolding events chronicled in the doc. Growing up under the care of his beloved late grandmother, Martha Hallenbeck, in a home surrounded by dense woods, he has memories that read like a choose-your-own-adventure novel. An unseen, incomprehensible, supernatural threat to shock and astound lurks around every corner. Martha was once quoted as saying, “I’d love to live in a haunted house!” Bruce’s apt response was, “Grandma, I think you do.” 

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“Haunted” feels like an inappropriate description.  What happens in Kinderhook is so fantastical that it is difficult to fit under a single umbrella. White, bloblike apparitions are only the tip of the iceberg. A sargantuan beast with red eyes, the doc’s eponymous creature, has been seen stalking nearby. Strange noises emanate from the woods, UFOs have been spotted, objects have levitated and strange dreams have been had… Something is very different in Kinderhook. 

To call THE KINDERHOOK CREATURE a wild-ride would be a gross understatement – the film is so full of so many unexpected twists, turns and encounters that it is a curious wonder why the area hasn’t been more widely acknowledged in cryptozoological circles until now. Again, director Seth Breedlove and the Small Monsters team have shone their spotlight on a tiny, strange corner of the world. On top of fantastic interview content, the documentary is chock-full of archival footage. Masterfully edited, THE KINDERHOOK CREATURE is made with love and attentive care, which is much deserved for a field of interest that isn’t always taken very seriously.

Of course, mystery is the source of the allure. As a species, we simply cannot know everything. Not every mystery can be solved, regardless of how advanced we become. Apelike humanoid sightings have been reported for as long as Indigenous people have been recording history with hide and stone. Theorists pore over speculations of time-travelling advanced beings, primitive species, protectors of the forest… It all sounds outrageous to those who have yet to open their mind to the possibility that there are forces at work that we simply cannot comprehend. One can easily write off the Patterson-Gimlin film as a hoax, but how can one explain the similarities in sightings from around the globe, again, for decades, if not centuries? One of the tales told in THE KINDERHOOK CREATURE mentions a sighting of a family of the Bigfoot-like cryptid. A similar occurrence is documented in the 1956 book The Long Walk by Sławomir Rawicz – a dramatic, first-hand account of a group of Gulag escapees in the 1940s that encountered a family of Yeti-like creatures in the Himalayas after fleeing Siberia on foot.

Even in the specific cases presented in THE KINDERHOOK CREATURE, there are curious synchronicities spanning a century. A woman speaks of an instance in 1981 when she and a friend skipped school to pick apples. While biking down a dirt road flanked by corn fields on both sides, they encountered a massive creature that towered above the stalks. Its gait was so wide that it was able to jump across the road with ease, its apelike arms swinging. What the girls likely did not know was that 100 years earlier, in 1881, livestock regularly went missing in the area. Locals eventually found a cave with piles of bones lying outside the entrance. Upon this discovery, they encountered a similar beast. They shot at it, nearly missing it. However, it left a mysterious lock of brown hair behind.

Breedlove has proved time and time again that Small Town Monsters is the reigning champion of quality cryptozoological documentaries. Aside from the obvious fun that naturally comes with investigating strange phenomena, much of the film focuses on Hallenbeck’s relationship with his grandmother. The bond they shared was beyond unique. They seemed to share an abundance of love, joy, fun and an appreciation for the mysterious. 

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We can learn a lot from these stories, exploring history, fear and curiosity. With THE KINDERHOOK CREATURE, Small Town Monsters again proves that cryptids and the legends that surround them will never get boring.

THE KINDERHOOK CREATURE: IN THE SHADOW OF SASQUATCH is available now on digital platforms. 

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Ron Brown’s movie reviews: ‘Project Hail Mary’ and more

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Ron Brown’s movie reviews: ‘Project Hail Mary’ and more

Lisa Dent

Weekdays 2-6pm

A native of Rockford, Lisa Dent, heard 2 pm to 6 pm weekdays, began her radio career in Fort Atkinson, Wisconsin in 1981. She has worked at stations in Minneapolis, San Diego, Seattle, and Houston. Dent returned to Chicago in 2002. (Click for more.)

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