Culture
Tom Brady ripped by Belichick, Kevin Hart, former teammates during roast
They certainly didn’t pull any punches.
In a live show on Netflix that lasted over three hours, a roast of Tom Brady didn’t spare any jokes at the expense of the seven-time Super Bowl winner. Everything from his divorce from Gisele Bündchen, Spygate, Deflategate and Brady’s relationship with Alex Guerrero were on the table.
“Before I got to the New England Patriots, we heard about Spygate. Then after I left, we heard about Deflategate,” Randy Moss said. “So I only got one question for you, Tom: ’Why the f— didn’t we cheat when I was there?! I wanted to cheat, too. My kids always ask me, ‘Daddy, why does everyone have a ring but you?’ You know how hard it is to look your kids in the eyes and say, ‘They just don’t trust me enough to cheat’?”
A wide array of former teammates and comedians spent a few hours trading barbs with each other — but especially Brady.
“A lot of people assume I have a lot of animosity toward Tom Brady,” Drew Bledsoe joked. “So I’m here tonight in front of millions of people to tell you — they’re correct.”
And then, toward the end of the night, Bill Belichick, the uber-serious, seldom-joking former head coach of the Patriots, crushed with a 10-minute set.
“People have said it — Tom and I butted heads a lot,” Belichick said, setting up his joke. “And in a way that was true. But it was hard to butt heads with Tom — because he was so far up Alex Guerrero’s ass.”
At first, Brady sat in good spirits and tried to laugh off the relentless (and often ruthless) jokes — even if there were some uncomfortable moments. Here are some of the highlights from the roast.
Jokes from Brady’s former teammates (and Belichick)
Moss: “Even though we didn’t win it all, I still got everything that I wanted because I got to play with the greatest quarterback that ever lived. And for three years — it was a short time — we scared the entire National Football League. Tom, you’re still my quarterback — even though you did not want me to be your accomplice.”
Bledsoe: “There were rumors that coach (Bill) Belichick was going to be here tonight. Turns out he has some time on his hands. At least when I got fired, somebody else wanted me.”
Belichick: “I’m honored to be here at the roast of Tom Brady on Netflix. Not to be confused with the roast of Bill Belichick on the 10-part Apple-TV series.”
Julian Edelman: “Alex Guerrero is the snake oil salesman that turned Tom into a complete weirdo.”
Rob Gronkowski on the similarities between Brady and Belichick: “You’re both hard asses that hate fun. You both live and breathe football. Neither of you are married anymore. You’re both even divorced from football — and both of you take full credit for the dynasty.”
GO DEEPER
Howe: It was never Bill Belichick or Tom Brady: They carried the Pats to glory together
Best one-liners from the comedians
Comedian Jeff Ross: “Tom was drafted 199th in the NFL draft. He sat there for days waiting and waiting and was finally picked in the sixth round when Bill Belichick’s dog stepped on the keyboard by accident.”
Nikki Glaser: “You have seven rings — well, eight now that Giselle gave hers back.”
Some uncomfortable moments
It wasn’t all just laughs. It seemed Brady learned pretty quickly that this wasn’t going to be some light-hearted, good-natured ribbing. That started with Kevin Hart’s opening monologue, which went heavy on jokes about Bündchen and her reported new boyfriend, who has a background in jiu-jitsu.
But the most awkward moment may have been after Ross made a joke about Robert Kraft and massages. Afterward, Brady stood up from his seat and seemed to say to Ross, “Don’t say that s— again.”
Belichick’s roast
The best set of the night probably goes to Glaser, though Belichick’s bit was great and hit on everyone from comedians (joking that Hart can’t say no to an opportunity) to Danny Amendola’s career highlights (that’s “what Randy would call a decent first half”) to, of course, Brady (“Really, Tom, why are all these people so hard on you? Do you miss me?” Belichick joked.)
With Belichick back in the fold, he opened himself up to ribbing, including from Edelman, who noted that Belichick for several years used to say in team meetings that players at Foxboro High School could’ve done what the Patriots messed up.
“(Now) Foxboro High is the only job offer you have,” Edelman said. “… Do your job? More like need a job, coach.”
Bill Belichick to Rob Gronkowski: “Please stop doing your job.” #TomBradyRoast pic.twitter.com/pbn6tOVEqX
— Netflix (@netflix) May 6, 2024
Robert Kraft’s quips
With the rift between Kraft and Belichick well known, the Pats owner figured he’d quickly address it when he got the mic while Belichick was seated next to Edelman on stage.
“Like many family reunions, there’s some people here I’m desperately trying to avoid — coach Belichick, good to see you,” Kraft joked.
Then he turned toward Brady’s impending purchase of a share of the Las Vegas Raiders.
“Tom, good luck buying the Raiders,” he said. “They did your favorite thing for you already — they got rid of Jimmy Garoppolo.”
Robert Kraft cheersing Bill Belichick… never thought we’d see the day! #TomBradyRoast pic.twitter.com/X5D3nKOpCm
— Netflix (@netflix) May 6, 2024
How did Brady take the roasting?
Finally, at the end of a long night with some brutal jokes, Brady cracked a few jokes of his own while displaying a cocky version of himself fitting of a roast.
He said that Gronkowski was a great tight end for the Patriots —“Although the bar for Patriots tight ends was pretty low back then.” He joked that the NFL could’ve saved the $20 million it spent on Deflategate “and I would’ve just told you I f—-ing did it.” And Brady added that he’s trying to buy a share of the Raiders because, “I’m tired of owning just the Colts and the Bills.”
At the end, Brady turned toward Belichick, the coach with whom he’s had a turbulent relationship.
Required reading
(Photo: Michael Tran / AFP via Getty Images)
Culture
What Happens When We Die? This Wallace Stevens Poem Has Thoughts.
Whatever you do, don’t think of a bird.
Now: What kind of bird are you not thinking about? A pigeon? A bald eagle? Something more poetic, like a skylark or a nightingale? In any case, would you say that this bird you aren’t thinking about is real?
Before you answer, read this poem, which is quite literally about not thinking of a bird.
Human consciousness is full of riddles. Neuroscientists, philosophers and dorm-room stoners argue continually about what it is and whether it even exists. For Wallace Stevens, the experience of having a mind was a perpetual source of wonder, puzzlement and delight — perfectly ordinary and utterly transcendent at the same time. He explored the mysteries and pleasures of consciousness in countless poems over the course of his long poetic career. It was arguably his great theme.
Stevens was born in 1879 and published his first book, “Harmonium,” in 1923, making him something of a late bloomer among American modernists. For much of his adult life, he worked as an executive for the Hartford Accident and Indemnity Company, rising to the rank of vice president. He viewed insurance less as a day job to support his poetry than as a parallel vocation. He pursued both activities with quiet diligence, spending his days at the office and composing poems in his head as he walked to and from work.
As a young man, Stevens dreamed of traveling to Europe, though he never crossed the Atlantic. In middle age he made regular trips to Florida, and his poems are frequently infused with ideas of Paris and Rome and memories of Key West. Others partake of the stringent beauty of New England. But the landscapes he explores, wintry or tropical, provincial or cosmopolitan, are above all mental landscapes, created by and in the imagination.
Are those worlds real?
Let’s return to the palm tree and its avian inhabitant, in that tranquil Key West sunset of the mind.
Until then, we find consolation in fangles.
Culture
Wil Wheaton Discusses ‘Stand By Me’ and Narrating ‘The Body’ Audiobook
When the director Rob Reiner cast his leads in the 1986 film “Stand by Me,” he looked for young actors who were as close as possible to the personalities of the four children they’d be playing. There was the wise beyond his years kid from a rough family (River Phoenix), the slightly dim worrywart (Jerry O’Connell), the cutup with a temper (Corey Feldman) and the sensitive, bookish boy.
Wil Wheaton was perfect for that last one, Gordie Lachance, a doe-eyed child who is ignored by his family in favor of his late older brother. Now, 40 years later, he’s traveling the country to attend anniversary screenings of the film, alongside O’Connell and Feldman, which has thrown him back into the turmoil that he felt as an adolescent.
Wheaton has channeled those emotions and his on-set memories into his latest project: narrating a new audiobook version of “The Body,” the 1982 Stephen King novella on which the film was based.
A few years ago, Wheaton started to float the idea of returning to the story that gave him his big break — that of a quartet of boys in 1959 Oregon, in their last days before high school, setting out to find a classmate’s dead body. “I’ve been telling the story of ‘Stand By Me’ since I was 12 years old,” he said.
But this time was different. Wheaton, who has narrated dozens of audiobooks, including Andy Weir’s “The Martian” and Ernest Cline’s “Ready Player One,” says he has come to enjoy narration more than screen acting. “I’m safe, I’m in the booth, nobody’s looking at me and I can just tell you a story.”
The fact that he, an older man looking back on his younger years, is narrating a story about an older man looking back on his younger years, is not lost on Wheaton. King’s original story is bathed in nostalgia. Coming to terms with death and loss is one of its primary themes.
Two days after appearing on stage at the Academy Awards as part of a tribute to Reiner — who was murdered in 2025 alongside his wife, Michele — Wheaton got on the phone to talk about recording the audiobook, reliving his favorite scenes from the film and reexamining a quintessential story of childhood loss through the lens of his own.
This interview has been edited and condensed.
“I felt really close to him, and my memory of him.”
Wheaton on channeling a co-star’s performance.
There’s this wonderful scene in “Stand By Me.” Gordie and Chris are walking down the tracks talking about junior high. Chris is telling Gordie, “I wish to hell I was your dad, because I care about you, and he obviously doesn’t.”
It’s just so honest and direct, in a way that kids talk to each other that adults don’t. And I think that one of the reasons that really sticks with people, and that piece really lands on a lot of audiences, and has for 40 years, is, just too many people have been Gordie in that scene.
That scene is virtually word for word taken from the text of the book. And when I was narrating that, I made a deliberate choice to do my best to recreate what River did in that scene.
“You’re just a kid,
Gordie–”
“I wish to fuck
I was your father!”
he said angrily.
“You wouldn’t go around
talking about takin those stupid shop courses if I was!
It’s like
God gave you something,
all those stories
you can make up, and He said:
This is what we got for you, kid.
Try not to lose it.
But kids lose everything
unless somebody looks out for them and if your folks
are too fucked up to do it
then maybe I ought to.”
I watched that scene a couple of times because I really wanted — I don’t know why it was so important to me to — well, I know: because I loved him, and I miss him. And I wanted to bring him into this as best as I could, right?
So I was reading that scene, and the words are identical to the script. And I had this very powerful flashback to being on the train tracks that day in Cottage Grove, Oregon. And I could see River standing next to them. They’re shooting my side of the scene and there’s River, right next to the camera, doing his off-camera dialogue, and there’s the sound guy, and there’s the boom operator. There’s my key light.
I could hear and feel it. It was the weirdest thing. It’s like I was right back there.
I was able to really take in the emotional memory of being Gordie in all of those scenes. So when I was narrating him and I’m me and I’m old with all of this experience, I just drew on what I remembered from being that little boy and what I remember of those friendships and what they meant to me and what they mean to me today.
“Rob gave me a gift. Rob gave me a career.”
Wheaton recalls the “Stand By Me” director’s way with kids on set, as well as his recent Oscars tribute.
Rob really encouraged us to be kids.
Jerry tells the most amazing story about that scene, where we were all sitting around, and doing our bit, and he improvised. He was just goofing around — we were just playing — and he said something about spitting water at the fat kid.
We get to the end of the scene, and he hears Rob. Rob comes around from behind the thing, and he goes, “Jerry!” And Jerry thinks, “Oh no, I’m in trouble. I’m in trouble because I improvised, and I’m not supposed to improvise.”
The context for Jerry is that he had been told by the adults in his life, “Sit on your hands and shut up. Stop trying to be a cutup. Stop trying to be funny. Stop disrupting people. Just be quiet.” And Jerry thinks, “Oh my God. I didn’t shut up. I’m in trouble. I’m gonna get fired.”
Rob leans in to all of us, and Rob says, “Hey, guys, do you see that? More of that. Do that!”
The whole time when you’re a kid actor, you’re just around all these adults who are constantly telling you to grow up. They’re mad that you’re being a kid. Rob just created an environment where not only was it supported that we would be kids — and have fun, and follow those kid instincts and do what was natural — it was expected. It was encouraged. We were supposed to do it.
They chanted together:
“I don’t shut up,
I grow up.
And when I look at you I throw up.”
“Then your mother goes around the corner
and licks it up,”
I said, and hauled ass out of there,
giving them the finger over my shoulder as I went.
I never had any friends later on
like the ones I had when I was twelve.
Jesus, did you?
When we were at the Oscars, I looked at Jerry. And we looked at this remarkable assemblage of the most amazingly talented, beautiful artists and storytellers. We looked around, and Jerry leans down, and he said, “We all got our start with Rob Reiner. He trusted every single one of us.”
And to stand there for him, when I really thought that I would be standing with him to talk about this stuff — it was a lot.
“I was really really really excited — like jumping up and down.”
The scene Wheaton was most looking forward to narrating: the tale of Lard Ass Hogan.
I was so excited to narrate it. It’s a great story! It’s a funny story. It’s such a lovely break — it’s an emotional and tonal shift from what’s happening in the movie.
I know this as a writer: You work to increase and release tension throughout a narrative, and Stephen King uses humor really effectively to release that tension. But it also raises the stakes, because we have these moments of joy and these moments of things being very silly in the midst of a lot of intensity.
That’s why the story of Lard Ass Hogan is so fun for me to tell. Because in the middle of that, we stop to do something that’s very, very fun, and very silly and very celebratory.
“Will you shut up and let him tell it?”
Teddy hollered.
Vern blinked.
“Sure. Yeah.
Okay.”
“Go on, Gordie,”
Chris said. “It’s not really much—”
“Naw,
we don’t expect much from a wet end like you,”
Teddy said,
“but tell it anyway.”
I cleared my throat. “So anyway.
It’s Pioneer Days,
and on the last night
they have these three big events.
There’s an egg-roll for the little kids and a sack-race for kids that are like eight or nine,
and then there’s the pie-eating contest.
And the main guy of the story
is this fat kid nobody likes
named Davie Hogan.”
When I narrate this story — whenever there is a moment of levity or humor, whenever there are those brief little moments that are the seasoning of the meal that makes it all so real and relatable — yes, it was very important to me to capture those moments.
I’m shifting in my chair, so I can feel each of those characters. It’s something that doesn’t exist in live action. It doesn’t exist in any other media.
“I feel the loss.”
Wheaton remembers River Phoenix.
The novella “The Body” is very much about Gordie remembering Chris. It’s darker, and it’s more painful, than the movie is.
I’ve been watching the movie on this tour and seeing River a lot. I remember him as a 14- and 15-year-old kid who just seemed so much older, and so much more experienced and so much wiser than me, and I’m only a year younger than him.
What hurts me now, and what I really felt when I was narrating this, is knowing what River was going through then. We didn’t know. I still don’t know the extent of how he was mistreated, but I know that he was. I know that adults failed him. That he should have been protected in every way that matters. And he just wasn’t.
And I, like Gordie, remember a boy who was loving. So loving, and generous and cared deeply about everyone around him, all the time. Who deserved to live a full life. Who had so much to offer the world. And it’s so unfair that he’s gone and taken from us. I had to go through a decades-long grieving process to come to terms with him dying.
Near the end
of 1971,
Chris
went into a Chicken Delight in Portland
to get a three-piece Snack Bucket.
Just ahead of him,
two men started arguing
about which one had been first in line. One of them pulled a knife.
Chris,
who had always been the best of us
at making peace,
stepped between them and was stabbed in the throat.
The man with the knife had spent time in four different institutions;
he had been released from Shawshank State Prison
only the week before.
Chris died almost instantly.
It is a privilege that I was allowed to tell this story. I get to tell Gordie Lachance’s story as originally imagined by Stephen King, with all of the experience of having lived my whole adult life with the memory of spending three months in Gordie Lachance’s skin.
Culture
Do You Know the Comics That Inspired These TV Adventures?
Welcome to Great Adaptations, the Book Review’s regular multiple-choice quiz about printed works that have gone on to find new life as movies, television shows, theatrical productions and more. This week’s challenge highlights offbeat television shows that began as comic books. Just tap or click your answers to the five questions below. And scroll down after you finish the last question for links to the comics and their screen versions.
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