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The White Sox — 81 games under .500! — are piling up mind-blowing numbers for the ages

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The White Sox — 81 games under .500! — are piling up mind-blowing numbers for the ages

Editor’s note: This is a Weird and Wild short. To read this week’s full Weird and Wild column, go here.

For weeks now, months to be honest, we’ve been spending way too much valuable time making all-important comparisons between the 2024 White Sox and Casey Stengel’s legendarily hapless 1962 Mets. But now we know: That was actually the wrong comp.

These White Sox (current record: 33-114) would need a miracle to out-win those ’62 Mets (40-120). So it’s time to do something I never thought would happen: It’s time to turn our attention to those even more legendary 1899 Cleveland Spiders (attractive final record: 20-134).

I came to that mind-blowing realization Thursday morning, when the reality of this nutty little number hit home:

81 Games under .500!!! 

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As a longtime chronicler of everything Weird and Wild, I’ve seen a lot of stuff. But I thought to myself as I stared at the standings: Have I ever seen THAT? Have I ever seen any team that fell 81 freaking games under .500?

Here’s the truth: Nope. I. Have. Not. And neither have you, unless you’re a spritely 108 years old. And even if you are indeed 108 years old, your memory of previous 81-under-.500 history might be a little hazy. So allow me to fill you in.

The ’62 Mets? Sorry. Never got to 81 under.

The 2003 Tigers? Sorry. They never made it either.

Both of those teams got to 80 under. But it takes a truly special group to sink below 80 games under the sea. So let’s salute these White Sox because they’re one of those extraordinary teams that took a wrong turn and just kept going.

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And who are those extraordinary teams? Here they come — the only teams in American League/National League/19th-century American Association history that ever got to 81 under or worse (in chronological order):

Whitey Witt’s 1916 A’s — Fell to 81 under at 33-114, just like these White Sox, except it wasn’t until Sept. 27 and they had only six games left in the season … but they somehow won three of them! (Final record: 36-117.)

Harry Colliflower’s 1899 Spiders — There’s a reason the Spiders are the poster boys for single-season futility, you know. They plummeted to 81 under on Aug. 31 (at 19-100). They still had 35 games to play … and they lost 34 of them! (Final record: 20-134.)

Kirtley Baker’s 1890 Alleghenys — Once upon a time, before the Spiders, these guys were the standard for 19th-century ineptitude. They descended to 81 under on Sept. 16 (at 21-102). They had 14 games remaining … and won two! (Final record: 23-113, plus two ties.)

Toad Ramsey’s 1889 Colonels — The worst team in the American Association’s glorious history, the Colonels tumbled to 81 under at 26-107. Fortunately, it was Oct. 8, so they had only five games left … and won one! (Final record: 27-111.)

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And that’s the whole 81-Under Club. But if you were paying attention (in case we spring an end-of-season 2024 White Sox quiz on you), you might have noticed something. Only once, in nearly a century and a half of major-league history, had any team awakened this early in September and found itself 81 games under .500 or worse. And it was … those 1899 Spiders, because of course it was!

Yet now the Spiders have company, in these 2024 White Sox? What a time to be alive.

GO DEEPER

White Sox might break record for losses. How should the 1962 Mets feel about it?


Wednesday’s loss to the Guardians dropped the White Sox to 1-27 in their past 28 games at home. (Kamil Krzaczynski / Imagn Images)

But meanwhile, in other important White Sox news …

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They can’t go home again! Since the second game of their July 10 doubleheader with Minnesota, the White Sox are 1-27 when they play baseball in their home park. One and 27! According to Baseball Reference, only one other team in the modern era has ever had a 1-27 stretch at home (or worse). And it was those 1916 A’s (also 1-27, in a messy 28-game span in July and August).

So that means, just since that game against the Twins on July 10, nine teams have more wins at Guaranteed Rate Field than the team that plays half its season on that field. There would be more teams, of course, but only nine have been allowed to play there by the schedule-makers of America.

Second to none! This seems impossible, but the White Sox are now 6-43 in the second half. Six and 43! Does this seem bad? How about historically bad. Since the invention of All-Star breaks, the fewest games any team has won in the second half of a non-strike season is 15, by Orie Arntzen’s 1943 A’s (15-61). I’m starting to think the White Sox aren’t going to catch them.

Late starters! In a related development, White Sox starters are now 2-30 in the second half. Two and 30! The record for the worst second-half winning percentage by any rotation is .167 (7-35), by Paolo Espino’s 2022 Nationals. I’m starting to think the White Sox might not catch that group, either.

No one will save you! On those sporadic occasions when the White Sox take a lead, they’ve been known to call on their bullpen to protect it. Here’s how that’s gone:

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When they bring in their relievers in save situations, their bullpen’s record is now 3-17. Three and 17! Plus a 7.79 ERA, 31 blown saves and (somehow) more home runs allowed (26) than saves converted (18).

I rumbled through the Baseball Reference files for way too long. How many other teams could I find, since the dawn of the modern save rule in 1969, with more gopherballs than saves in those situations? That would be none!

I could keep going here for hours. But did you know …

• This White Sox team hasn’t started a pitcher with a winning record in over a month? Not even some opener who was 1-0. It’s 36 games in a row now, the fourth-longest streak in franchise history.

• The White Sox have now lost their first game of every month – April, May, June, July, August and September? Can’t beat that kind of consistency.

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• It’s Sept. 13 … and the White Sox have won 33 games! You know when the Guardians won their 33rd game? How about May 22! That’s three and a half freaking months (and 111 days) ago!

• And finally, is it too late to wish a happy 105th birthday to Loyola of Chicago icon Sister Jean? As a friend of mine reminded me on Sister Jean’s birthday last month, she’s been gracing our planet for more than a century now. And she has seen the White Sox win a postseason series in exactly one of those 105 years (2005, obviously). I’m starting to think the chances of her seeing another series win this October aren’t good.

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GO DEEPER

Weird & Wild MLB highlights of the month: Game of the Year, a first-inning first, and more

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GO DEEPER

Loyalty, history and $5 beers: Why fans still come out to see the Chicago White Sox

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GO DEEPER

White Sox watch: Rally falls short in 15th consecutive home loss

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(Top photo of Luis Robert Jr.: Matt Krohn / Associated Press)

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What Happens When We Die? This Wallace Stevens Poem Has Thoughts.

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What Happens When We Die? This Wallace Stevens Poem Has Thoughts.

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Whatever you do, don’t think of a bird.

Now: What kind of bird are you not thinking about? A pigeon? A bald eagle? Something more poetic, like a skylark or a nightingale? In any case, would you say that this bird you aren’t thinking about is real?

Before you answer, read this poem, which is quite literally about not thinking of a bird.

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Human consciousness is full of riddles. Neuroscientists, philosophers and dorm-room stoners argue continually about what it is and whether it even exists. For Wallace Stevens, the experience of having a mind was a perpetual source of wonder, puzzlement and delight — perfectly ordinary and utterly transcendent at the same time. He explored the mysteries and pleasures of consciousness in countless poems over the course of his long poetic career. It was arguably his great theme.

Stevens was born in 1879 and published his first book, “Harmonium,” in 1923, making him something of a late bloomer among American modernists. For much of his adult life, he worked as an executive for the Hartford Accident and Indemnity Company, rising to the rank of vice president. He viewed insurance less as a day job to support his poetry than as a parallel vocation. He pursued both activities with quiet diligence, spending his days at the office and composing poems in his head as he walked to and from work.

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Wallace Stevens in 1950.

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Walter Sanders/The LIFE Picture Collection, via Shutterstock

As a young man, Stevens dreamed of traveling to Europe, though he never crossed the Atlantic. In middle age he made regular trips to Florida, and his poems are frequently infused with ideas of Paris and Rome and memories of Key West. Others partake of the stringent beauty of New England. But the landscapes he explores, wintry or tropical, provincial or cosmopolitan, are above all mental landscapes, created by and in the imagination.

Are those worlds real?

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Let’s return to the palm tree and its avian inhabitant, in that tranquil Key West sunset of the mind.

Until then, we find consolation in fangles.

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Wil Wheaton Discusses ‘Stand By Me’ and Narrating ‘The Body’ Audiobook

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Wil Wheaton Discusses ‘Stand By Me’ and Narrating ‘The Body’ Audiobook

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When the director Rob Reiner cast his leads in the 1986 film “Stand by Me,” he looked for young actors who were as close as possible to the personalities of the four children they’d be playing. There was the wise beyond his years kid from a rough family (River Phoenix), the slightly dim worrywart (Jerry O’Connell), the cutup with a temper (Corey Feldman) and the sensitive, bookish boy.

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Wil Wheaton was perfect for that last one, Gordie Lachance, a doe-eyed child who is ignored by his family in favor of his late older brother. Now, 40 years later, he’s traveling the country to attend anniversary screenings of the film, alongside O’Connell and Feldman, which has thrown him back into the turmoil that he felt as an adolescent.

Wheaton has channeled those emotions and his on-set memories into his latest project: narrating a new audiobook version of “The Body,” the 1982 Stephen King novella on which the film was based.

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“I like there to be a freshness, a discovery and an immediacy to my narration,” Wheaton said. He recorded “The Body” in his home studio in California. Alex Welsh for The New York Times

A few years ago, Wheaton started to float the idea of returning to the story that gave him his big break — that of a quartet of boys in 1959 Oregon, in their last days before high school, setting out to find a classmate’s dead body. “I’ve been telling the story of ‘Stand By Me’ since I was 12 years old,” he said.

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But this time was different. Wheaton, who has narrated dozens of audiobooks, including Andy Weir’s “The Martian” and Ernest Cline’s “Ready Player One,” says he has come to enjoy narration more than screen acting. “I’m safe, I’m in the booth, nobody’s looking at me and I can just tell you a story.”

The fact that he, an older man looking back on his younger years, is narrating a story about an older man looking back on his younger years, is not lost on Wheaton. King’s original story is bathed in nostalgia. Coming to terms with death and loss is one of its primary themes.

Two days after appearing on stage at the Academy Awards as part of a tribute to Reiner — who was murdered in 2025 alongside his wife, Michele — Wheaton got on the phone to talk about recording the audiobook, reliving his favorite scenes from the film and reexamining a quintessential story of childhood loss through the lens of his own.

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This interview has been edited and condensed.

“I felt really close to him, and my memory of him.”

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Wheaton on channeling a co-star’s performance.

There’s this wonderful scene in “Stand By Me.” Gordie and Chris are walking down the tracks talking about junior high. Chris is telling Gordie, “I wish to hell I was your dad, because I care about you, and he obviously doesn’t.”

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It’s just so honest and direct, in a way that kids talk to each other that adults don’t. And I think that one of the reasons that really sticks with people, and that piece really lands on a lot of audiences, and has for 40 years, is, just too many people have been Gordie in that scene.

That scene is virtually word for word taken from the text of the book. And when I was narrating that, I made a deliberate choice to do my best to recreate what River did in that scene.

“The Body” Read by Wil Wheaton

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“You’re just a kid,

Gordie–”

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“I wish to fuck

I was your father!”

he said angrily.

“You wouldn’t go around

talking about takin those stupid shop courses

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if I was!

It’s like

God gave you something,

all those stories

you can make up,

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and He said:

This is what we got for you, kid.

Try not to lose it.

But kids lose everything

unless somebody looks out for them

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and if your folks

are too fucked up to do it

then maybe I ought to.”

I watched that scene a couple of times because I really wanted — I don’t know why it was so important to me to — well, I know: because I loved him, and I miss him. And I wanted to bring him into this as best as I could, right?

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So I was reading that scene, and the words are identical to the script. And I had this very powerful flashback to being on the train tracks that day in Cottage Grove, Oregon. And I could see River standing next to them. They’re shooting my side of the scene and there’s River, right next to the camera, doing his off-camera dialogue, and there’s the sound guy, and there’s the boom operator. There’s my key light.

I could hear and feel it. It was the weirdest thing. It’s like I was right back there.

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I was able to really take in the emotional memory of being Gordie in all of those scenes. So when I was narrating him and I’m me and I’m old with all of this experience, I just drew on what I remembered from being that little boy and what I remember of those friendships and what they meant to me and what they mean to me today.

“Rob gave me a gift. Rob gave me a career.”

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Wheaton recalls the “Stand By Me” director’s way with kids on set, as well as his recent Oscars tribute.

Rob really encouraged us to be kids.

Jerry tells the most amazing story about that scene, where we were all sitting around, and doing our bit, and he improvised. He was just goofing around — we were just playing — and he said something about spitting water at the fat kid.

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We get to the end of the scene, and he hears Rob. Rob comes around from behind the thing, and he goes, “Jerry!” And Jerry thinks, “Oh no, I’m in trouble. I’m in trouble because I improvised, and I’m not supposed to improvise.”

The context for Jerry is that he had been told by the adults in his life, “Sit on your hands and shut up. Stop trying to be a cutup. Stop trying to be funny. Stop disrupting people. Just be quiet.” And Jerry thinks, “Oh my God. I didn’t shut up. I’m in trouble. I’m gonna get fired.”

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Rob leans in to all of us, and Rob says, “Hey, guys, do you see that? More of that. Do that!”

Rob Reiner in 1985, directing the child actors of “Stand By Me,” including Wil Wheaton, at left. Columbia/Kobal, via Shutterstock

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The whole time when you’re a kid actor, you’re just around all these adults who are constantly telling you to grow up. They’re mad that you’re being a kid. Rob just created an environment where not only was it supported that we would be kids — and have fun, and follow those kid instincts and do what was natural — it was expected. It was encouraged. We were supposed to do it.

“The Body” Read by Wil Wheaton

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They chanted together:

“I don’t shut up,

I grow up.

And when I look at you

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I throw up.”

“Then your mother goes around the corner

and licks it up,”

I said,

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and hauled ass out of there,

giving them the finger over my shoulder as I went.

I never had any friends later on

like the ones I had when I was twelve.

Jesus,

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did you?

When we were at the Oscars, I looked at Jerry. And we looked at this remarkable assemblage of the most amazingly talented, beautiful artists and storytellers. We looked around, and Jerry leans down, and he said, “We all got our start with Rob Reiner. He trusted every single one of us.”

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Jerry O’Connell and Wheaton joined more than a dozen actors from Reiner’s films to honor the slain director at the Academy Awards on March 15, 2026. Kevin Winter/Getty Images

And to stand there for him, when I really thought that I would be standing with him to talk about this stuff — it was a lot.

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“I was really really really excited — like jumping up and down.”

The scene Wheaton was most looking forward to narrating: the tale of Lard Ass Hogan.

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I was so excited to narrate it. It’s a great story! It’s a funny story. It’s such a lovely break — it’s an emotional and tonal shift from what’s happening in the movie.

I know this as a writer: You work to increase and release tension throughout a narrative, and Stephen King uses humor really effectively to release that tension. But it also raises the stakes, because we have these moments of joy and these moments of things being very silly in the midst of a lot of intensity. ​​

That’s why the story of Lard Ass Hogan is so fun for me to tell. Because in the middle of that, we stop to do something that’s very, very fun, and very silly and very celebratory.

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“The Body” Read by Wil Wheaton

“Will you shut up

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and let him tell it?”

Teddy hollered.

Vern blinked.

“Sure.

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Yeah.

Okay.”

“Go on, Gordie,”

Chris said.

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“It’s not really much—”

“Naw,

we don’t expect much

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from a wet end like you,”

Teddy said,

“but tell it anyway.”

I cleared my throat.

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“So anyway.

It’s Pioneer Days,

and on the last night

they have these three big events.

There’s an egg-roll for the little kids

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and a sack-race for kids that are like eight or nine,

and then there’s the pie-eating contest.

And the main guy of the story

is this fat kid nobody likes

named Davie Hogan.”

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When I narrate this story — whenever there is a moment of levity or humor, whenever there are those brief little moments that are the seasoning of the meal that makes it all so real and relatable — yes, it was very important to me to capture those moments.

I’m shifting in my chair, so I can feel each of those characters. It’s something that doesn’t exist in live action. It doesn’t exist in any other media.

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“I feel the loss.”

Wheaton remembers River Phoenix.

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The novella “The Body” is very much about Gordie remembering Chris. It’s darker, and it’s more painful, than the movie is.

I’ve been watching the movie on this tour and seeing River a lot. I remember him as a 14- and 15-year-old kid who just seemed so much older, and so much more experienced and so much wiser than me, and I’m only a year younger than him.

What hurts me now, and what I really felt when I was narrating this, is knowing what River was going through then. We didn’t know. I still don’t know the extent of how he was mistreated, but I know that he was. I know that adults failed him. That he should have been protected in every way that matters. And he just wasn’t.

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And I, like Gordie, remember a boy who was loving. So loving, and generous and cared deeply about everyone around him, all the time. Who deserved to live a full life. Who had so much to offer the world. And it’s so unfair that he’s gone and taken from us. I had to go through a decades-long grieving process to come to terms with him dying.

“The Body” Read by Wil Wheaton

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Near the end

of 1971,

Chris

went into a Chicken Delight

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in Portland

to get a three-piece Snack Bucket.

Just ahead of him,

two men started arguing

about which one had been first in line.

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One of them pulled a knife.

Chris,

who had always been the best of us

at making peace,

stepped between them

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and was stabbed in the throat.

The man with the knife had spent time in four different institutions;

he had been released from Shawshank State Prison

only the week before.

Chris died almost instantly.

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It is a privilege that I was allowed to tell this story. I get to tell Gordie Lachance’s story as originally imagined by Stephen King, with all of the experience of having lived my whole adult life with the memory of spending three months in Gordie Lachance’s skin.

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Do You Know the Comics That Inspired These TV Adventures?

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Do You Know the Comics That Inspired These TV Adventures?

Welcome to Great Adaptations, the Book Review’s regular multiple-choice quiz about printed works that have gone on to find new life as movies, television shows, theatrical productions and more. This week’s challenge highlights offbeat television shows that began as comic books. Just tap or click your answers to the five questions below. And scroll down after you finish the last question for links to the comics and their screen versions.

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