Millions of Angelenos flock to the newest, most luxurious and financially-aggressive pseudosciences in the name of health. Wellness is so intrinsic to our identity it raises the question: Have you had a vitamin aloe serenity scrub under a glowing red light contour mask using a triple-hydration oxygenator submerged in a vitamin C longevity mist inside a gently eroding brutal-minimalist high-rise overlooking a Zankou Chicken?

Is all that real? Yes. Is there a lot of bespoke wellness fabrication going on in this city (and maybe even on this page as you keep scrolling)? Also … yes. Today — April 1st — we imagine, with our tongues blithely thrust deep into our cheeks, just how far wellness trends could go in 2026. Whether you’re a true believer or here for a couple laughs (wink, wink), we can all agree that Los Angeles isn’t afraid of grabbing onto the fringes.

Cabbage-core

With more than a dozen varieties grown in and around SoCal, in 2026 alone, heads (of cabbage) will roll if Angelenos can’t get their fix of this vitamin-rich, potassium-laden, calcium-blasted antioxidant VIP in 2026. Used for lactation suppression, nutrition, a cute hat or coleslaw. Who is 2026’s “it” girl? It’s cabbage, babe.

Girl, this is 2026, you don’t need to pay for allll that grilled shrimp! These dainty menus are taking L.A.’s hottest restaurants by storm, offering the 5 to 11 bites of the food you’ll need to look like you didn’t manipulate your pancreas to release insulin signaling your brain that you’re totally full!

FIFA for the Olds

With the World Cup upon us, soccer-loving Gen X and elder millennial Angelenos are desperate to get in on the action. Enter World Cup Camp, a place where aging super fans can step into the lives of a professional footballer without the excruciating, chronic pain (more or less). Think of it like Space Camp … but for “athletic” DINKs who played soccer in high school, just a short couple decades ago! From cleats with orthopedic insoles to scoring a single point donned in the international flag of one’s choice, this weekend is all about geeking out in ill-fitting soccer gear of yore, getting a couple good photo ops, and doing some half-assed yet earnest drills that would make fellow-41-year-old Cristiano Ronaldo proud.

Chrononutrition

An ancient nightmare, unpleasant even by L.A. standards, Chrononutrition aligns eating windows with the sun’s movement to optimize metabolism, sleep and body conditioning (so hot among L.A.’s multi-hyphenate multi-hyphenates). This exciting nutrition system may include fun things like nearly blinding your boss with direct sunlight at an open-air business lunch, or shoveling food in your face from 5:10 to 5:11 p.m. If you loved creating a whole personality around intermittent fasting, welcome: You’ve found your people.

Hot Line Dancing

The L.A. line dancing revival is back … and hotter than ever (literally). Creating stronger flexibility, groundedness and rank body odor, shimmying around in 105 degree heat is having a wild, wild wellness moment. Do you know the steps? Of course you don’t! But it doesn’t matter, just grab your best tight denim and thick leatherware and enter Club Bahia’s famed “Summer in Van Nuys Room,” for a night of pure heat, lunges and Nama-staying hydrated.

Optimized Flatulence

Your gut biome is the holy grail of wellness, so it’s only natural us humans would want to find it, conquer it and aggressively exploit it. Enter Optimized Flatulence, the new and disturbing trend of flatulating on your own schedule. No more embarrassing surprises! A simple “Substance”-eque sequence of probiotics triggers a relaxing unconscious state, regenerating a utopian gut biome in a short six to eight weeks. After awakening, the biome’s newly cultivated gut flora will respond to your neurological directive, allowing you to ultimately control when — and where — your wind breaks.

Circadian Overhead Lighting

As most Angelenos know, anti-aging efforts come in many annoying forms. But this time, the call is coming from inside the house — your house. L.A. homes are increasingly being outfitted with lighting technology that mimics the exact hue of the sun. These “Circadian Overhead lights” are designed to protect melatonin production, a new (and expensive) weapon in the war against looking old. The best part: using these lights means you’ll be in bed by 6 p.m, ready for an evening of total darkness and forced rest. Chic!

Amino Acid Trips

This is peptide packing at its hallucinogenic limit, no yurt necessary! Ingest a small but powerful tab of L.A.-grown protein-rich amino acids optimized to enhance their longevity and fat-burning properties, and let the aminos take you away. If you thought injections were effective, wait until the rush of millions of strains of ambiguous compounds hit! They say one amino acid trip is like two lifetimes of therapy, a stint in rehab and a fight with your absentee father, all in one.

As a wise and wellness-conscious Angeleno, you wouldn’t want to be the last one in your too-intense preschool moms text chain or chakra-balancing Zoom class to get in on these trends, would you? After all, spring’s here … and, well, so is my big admission: These trends are completely fake and totally illegitimate, and — like many actual fad-based treatments — meant purely for fun and not for serious consumption.

Happy April Fools!

Leib is a comedian, TV writer, podcaster and cultural journalist who has, to date, never worn cabbage as a hat.