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Toxic Confidence Has Taken Over

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Toxic Confidence Has Taken Over

Toxic

Confidence

Make way for a new attitude

Everywhere you look these days, the landscape is clogged with confidence men: People with limited experience landing high-ranking government roles. Networks helmed by leaders with scant broadcasting experience. Wellness empires built by entrepreneurs without medical training. An arrogant acquaintance whose presence you find thrilling, maybe.

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Perhaps you, too, have noticed the decline in humble brags and performative apologies on social media? A concurrent rise in unshakable self-assurance, unsolicited advice and provocative hot takes? The overqualified don’t hesitate to remind you of their résumé; the underqualified declare themselves authorities; the appropriately qualified claim that their email job is “saving lives.”

If ChatGPT can replace us while insisting that there are only two Rs in the word “strawberry,” it’s no wonder some see the time for a spiky new affect.

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“Everyone’s trying influencing; everyone’s paywalling their Substacks,” said Gutes Guterman, 29, a founder of the magazine Byline. “You have to seem like an expert for people to believe in you.”

Amelia Dimoldenberg, a comedian who has made a career out of charming celebrities in her YouTube video series “Chicken Shop Date,” was an early adopter. Deploying the attitude — perhaps the natural register of flirtation — to great effect, she reliably convinces her A-list guests that they are probably a little bit in love with her.

And it has a natural progenitor in drag and hip-hop culture, where reads, diss tracks and storied beefs are founded on inflated egos. It’s the inner voice that drives someone to put out a song titled “I Am a God” and set out to conquer other industries.

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Still, it used to be that “impostor syndrome” dominated conversations, the anxious stance of millennials with adult responsibilities and women leading corporate workplaces trying not to rankle. Even if you felt deserving of accolades, the social graces of the time required the expression of modesty.

Now, in an era of aggressively handsome incels and macho political posturing, cultivated humility feels trite. A younger generation, coming out of high school and college in Covid lockdown, feels less beholden to dampening their light. Who has time for affected meekness when playing the braggart not only tickles the soul, but has the potential to convince others of one’s own greatness?

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“You’re standing on the ledge, wondering, ‘Should I dive in?’” said the actor and comedian Ivy Wolk on an episode of the popular TikTok show “Subway Takes,” summing up the potential pitfalls of self-doubt. At the same time, she added, other people are coming up behind you “ready to jump.”

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It’s partly a product of a new media environment. On platforms like Substack and TikTok, where success relies on convincing others to invest in your singular personality, showing vulnerability or doubt can be risky. Whether it’s posting about a reading series at your local bar or achieving internet notoriety by instructing young men on how to become “gigachads,” these ventures require being bullish on one’s own value.

At its least offensive, toxic confidence is low stakes and entertaining. It’s newsletter writers filling your inbox with unsolicited gift guides and dishy, unedited diary entries. It’s that mediocre actor you barely dated starting a podcast with a paywall and calling herself a political pundit. It is the author Lisa Taddeo directing a post on Instagram to the winners of a fellowship she had been not been granted: “I’ll be watching what you do. I hope it’s better than what I do. But I don’t think it will be. Because what I’m doing is going to be EXCEPTIONAL.”

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It’s whatever drives the chaos agents in your orbit to become life coaches.

Perhaps a simple truth is that toxic confidence is charming if you like the person and intolerable if you don’t.

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Consider Amanda Frances, a new cast member of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” who has embraced the moniker of “Money Queen” and says she made her fortune selling money manifestation courses.

“I had no formal business experience,” she told her castmate Bozoma Saint John, the first Black C-suite executive at Netflix, over lunch. “I found out I had a gift around, like, the energetic part of money.”

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Later, Ms. Saint John gossiped to another castmate, Rachel Zoe, about the interaction: “You’ve never had a job before, so how are you telling people how to get money?”

All of this bravado probably owes something to President Trump, who is known for — among other swaggering displays — using superlatives to boast of his intelligence.

“Nobody knows more about taxes than me, maybe in the history of the world,” he once claimed, for example.

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Rarely does Mr. Trump shy from holding forth in speeches and free-associative monologues beyond those typical of presidents. It has become a modus operandi for his administration. Last September, for example, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth summoned hundreds of the U.S. military’s top officials to the Marine Corps base in Quantico, Va., for a widely broadcast, in-person meeting.

Highly decorated admirals and generals sat stone-faced as Mr. Hegseth delivered a nearly hourlong speech. He concluded the address by warning enemies abroad with the acronym “FAFO” — language more commonly found in online circles than in formal military settings, roughly translating to “mess around and find out.”

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The proclamation was met with minimal audience response — a lonely woo from the crowd — and the assembly was later described as a “waste of time” by former Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta. Senate Democrats estimated the event’s cost at roughly $6 million in taxpayer funds.

Borrowed Ego

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If we occasionally find ourselves in the thrall to confidence men, it may be because we desire a bit of what they have.

Looking up to someone bold and brash can give one “that feeling of borrowing ego strength,” said Rachel Easterly, a psychotherapist based in Brooklyn. She referred to narcissism in children, an otherwise normal phase of childhood development.

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“It’s very frightening to be a small, helpless person — you’re in a world where you don’t have a lot of power, so you compensate with this defense,” Ms. Easterly said. “It can happen on a societal level.” When Freud, Donald Winnicott and others were developing their theories on why people were drawn to cults of personality, she said, it was “in the context of societal collapse and war.”

“We are feeling similar sorts of existential dread as adults now,” she added, “in terms of nihilism in our culture, climate change, income inequality.”

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That may be why so many were drawn to “Marty Supreme,” last year’s blockbuster about a striving table tennis wunderkind, and captivated by Timothée Chalamet’s brashness in promoting it.

“This is probably my best performance, you know, and it’s been like seven, eight years that I feel like I’ve been handing in really, really committed, top-of-the-line performances,” Mr. Chalamet, the film’s lead, said in an interview last year.

“This is really some top-level stuff,” he added, using an expletive.

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Mr. Chalamet collected a Golden Globe and a Critics Choice Award for his portrayal of Marty. But by the time the Academy Awards rolled around, he had gotten a bit too comfortable in the culture’s embrace of his toxic confidence, and it quickly turned Icarian.

In a sit-down with the actor Matthew McConaughey, Mr. Chalamet claimed that “no one cares about” opera and ballet. It didn’t seem to occur to him to backtrack or to try to reassure members of those communities of his admiration. Instead, he doubled down, taking aim at artists’ lack of income: “I just lost 14 cents in viewership.”

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Punching down is one way to make these high levels of confidence less charming. Those who manage to pull it off tend to be those who are not enjoying their success at another’s expense. Light ribbing is passable.

At the Winter Olympics in Milan, the Chinese freestyle skier Eileen Gu exhibited a bubblier version of toxic confidence as she described what it was like to be inside her own head (“not a bad place to be”) and what she would tell her younger self (“I would love me, and that’s the biggest flex of all time”). She was also honest about the intensive routines she maintains so that she can compete in the Olympics, study quantum physics at Stanford and model with IMG — and the enormous pressure she puts on herself to keep it all up.

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That makes it difficult to argue that moments like this are unearned: After winning gold in the women’s halfpipe and two additional silver medals this winter, a reporter asked if she considered her achievements “two silvers gained” or “two golds lost.”

She broke into laughter: “I am the most decorated female free skier in history.”

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Don’t Be Coy

For those who aren’t multihyphenate Olympians, it’s possible that beneath the slick veneer of seemingly absolute assurance remains the same anxious, uncertain person merely following the new social dictates of the moment.

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“I genuinely don’t know if everyone believes in themselves as much as they say they do, but I think it’s sort of the only option,” said Ms. Guterman, the magazine founder, who described herself as “appropriately” confident. “Because if you don’t really believe in yourself right now, you don’t really have anything going for you.”

The mentality seems to have helped Ms. Wolk. After being forced to delete her social media by a cable network as a teenager, she kept posting anyway, quickly gaining half a million followers. Last year, after a turn in the film “Anora,” Ms. Wolk, now 21, portrayed a brutally assertive, pigtailed motel clerk in the A24 mommy-horror flick “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You,” working alongside ASAP Rocky and Rose Byrne.

If you have a goal, it doesn’t serve you to be coy about it, Ms. Wolk said over the phone. “You can’t lie down and hope that opportunities just come up,” she said. “You have to go out and grab it and say yes.”

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They transformed a historic bar into a fantasy forest for all of L.A.’s witches

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They transformed a historic bar into a fantasy forest for all of L.A.’s witches

Hear the name the Witch’s Cottage and you might conjure a mystical vision. And inside the new North Hollywood space, here there be witches, yes. But that’s just the start of it.

In one area of the two-story cafe, restaurant and bar, constellations beckon. A guide to crystals calls forth in another. An azure booth is flanked by an abstracted mermaid sculpture, and elsewhere howling wolves are engraved into the bar tops.

Witch’s Cottage co-founder Celina Lee Surniak, left, with investor/partner Ana Lovelis and co-founder Danielle Ozymandias. The three envisioned a welcoming space that views the world through a magical lens.

Hidden wonders are everywhere. Circle the cottage’s hand-constructed tree trunks, and maybe, if you’re lucky, you’ll spy a tiny door hiding a little witch. Sit at one of the tables, and don’t be surprised to hear the sounds of birds chirping from the man-made trees. Branches spring forth from paintings and every nook is a nod to something born of a fable.

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A decade-long vision of the founders, the Witch’s Cottage has transformed the old Federal Bar into a colorful, whimsical fairy-tale-like forest of a gathering spot. A place where one can come for the fantasy, and stay for the chicken etouffee and the Hex Breaker, a tiki-style, rum-heavy drink for grown-up sorcerers.

“I wanted this to feel lived in,” says Danielle Ozymandias, who dreamed up the space with business partner Celina Lee Surniak, a fellow creative who like Ozymandias very much identifies as a witch. “I wanted this to be a visual feast because I think maximalism is just so interesting. That may be the ADHD talking, but I knew I wanted a lot.

The dining room of the Witch's Cottage aims for a fantasy forest-inspired look.

The dining room of the Witch’s Cottage aims for a fantasy forest-inspired look.

LOS ANGELES, CA -- FEBRUARY, 2026: The Witch's Cottage in North Hollywood, California on Friday, February 20, 2026. (Jennifer McCord / For The Times)
LOS ANGELES, CA -- FEBRUARY, 2026: The Witch's Cottage in North Hollywood, California on Friday, February 20, 2026. (Jennifer McCord / For The Times)

While they certainly designed the Witch’s Cottage to be family-friendly, Surniak and Ozymandias say part of their creative intent was to bring joy to adults.

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“Everybody tries to shame you,” Surniak says. “Like, ‘You can’t buy that coffee. Save your money.’ No, let them have the coffee they really love. Let them get that annual pass to Disneyland. Let them have a weekly night at the movies, even if they go alone. The world is so weird right now. What we can do is find joy in tiny things.

A fairy at a media preview for North Hollywood's new Witch's Cottage.

A fairy at a media preview for North Hollywood’s new Witch’s Cottage.

“Being able to give adults the opportunity to say ‘I’m a fairy,’ is the best feeling ever,” Surniak continues. “And it’s not just at Renaissance fairs. Be a fairy here.”

Or be anyone. A sign near one of the restaurant’s restrooms makes it clear it doesn’t matter which one guests use. It asks that they simply wash their hands. “You can walk in as a witch, or a dragon, or just a FedEx worker,” Ozymandias says. “There’s no judgment.”

The Witch’s Cottage had its grand opening this weekend, and the community immediately responded with lines out the door. That wasn’t entirely surprising — the project was built by a collective. More than 200 volunteers donated more than 3,000 hours to bring the space to life, and the two founders attracted more than 100 investors via an online crowd-funding campaign that raised more than $167,000.

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“We’re regular people,” Surniak says. “We don’t have a lot of money. We don’t have a nest egg. We don’t own property. If we were going to do anything, we would need help.”

Surniak says within three days of creating their campaign, they found an angel investor who offered them the funds to secure the building. Other investors followed, including Ana Lovelis and her husband Kenny Enea, known in the area for the elaborate haunted houses they have hosted at their home. The two joined as creative partners and helped with construction. Lovelis says she recognized in the Witch’s Cottage a similar outlook on life as hers. She recalled once years ago dating someone who had a skeptical and practical view of the world.

“And then there was me, being like, ‘That butterfly is a sign from my grandma,’” Lovelis says. The Witch’s Cottage, she says, is reflective of viewing the world through a magical lens. At a time of much stress for many, such a place may be needed. As Lovelis says, “What’s the harm?”

The Witch's Cottage is a two-story space that serves as a cafe during the day and a restaurant at night.

The Witch’s Cottage is a two-story space that serves as a cafe during the day and a restaurant at night. Dinner service begins at 5 p.m.

Surniak still has a day job, working as a stunt and intimacy coordinator on theatrical and Hollywood productions. Ozymandias, who previously worked in the local theater world, is focusing primarily on the Witch’s Cottage at the moment, helping to devise recipes and ensure the bakery can accommodate as many dietary restrictions as possible.

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Beyond new menu items, there’s more in the works, including community events like sound baths, comedy nights and classes on composting, native plants and parenting. Or even some workshops that are more lighthearted, such as a hoped-for night on how to make a broom.

Hidden behind the upstairs bar is what’s called the Tempered Flask Tavern, and it’s an elaborate tabletop role-playing game room. Here, one will find a smoke-puffing dragon, but also digital windows that game masters can use to trigger various effects. A long table sits at its center, flanked by a knight, a digital fireplace and weaponry. Not open yet, the plan is for the room to be rented out by the hour.

A group playing 'Dungeons & Dragons.'
Tabletop games at The Witch's Cottage's

The Tempered Flask Tavern is a hidden room dedicated to tabletop games inside the Witch’s Cottage. It will be available soon for guests to rent out.

Though Surniak and Ozymandias say they’ve been building vision boards for more than a decade of what the spot could look like, recent cultural shifts gave them the confidence that the timing was right. They point to “Stranger Things” and how it spawned a conversation around “Dungeons & Dragons,” or the success of Disney+ series “Agatha All Along.” More locally, they watched the rise of a game-focused bar such as the Roguelike Tavern, which is relocating to Studio City, as well as the news that experiential art firm Meow Wolf would be building an exposition in the city.

Taken as a whole, they felt bolstered that North Hollywood could support a heavily themed cafe, a home for those who have rolled a 20-sided die, once looked up the meaning of the Tower card or just enjoyed a viewing of “The Lord of the Rings.”

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But one need not know the inner workings of RPGs, tarot or Middle-earth to feel at home in the Witch’s Cottage. This is a space, after all, for anyone who has ever been touched by a fairy tale, dreamed of the fantastical or wanted to believe in the power of wishing upon a star.

LOS ANGELES, CA -- FEBRUARY, 2026: The Witch's Cottage in North Hollywood, California on Friday, February 20, 2026. (Jennifer McCord / For The Times)
LOS ANGELES, CA -- FEBRUARY, 2026: The spread at The Witch's Cottage in North Hollywood, California on Friday, February 20, 2026. (Jennifer McCord / For The Times)
Views from inside North Hollywood's the Witch's Cottage.

Views from inside North Hollywood’s the Witch’s Cottage.

So spend a little time in the Witch’s Cottage, and maybe you’ll start to imagine that cocktail is a potion, and those deviled eggs did in fact hatch from a dragon. Diners may debate between the “iron forged fondue melt” (a patty melt) or the “meze heartwich” (a white bean purée on sourdough), but childlike wonder is the specialty of the house.

“Everybody is somebody’s kid,” Ozymandias says. “And I just want a safe space for people’s kids. Even if you’re 50, or 80, you’re my kid. I want you to feel loved, and to have a cup of something warm or magical. I want you to know that whatever is outside those doors, when you’re in here, I got you.”

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‘Wait Wait’ for March 28, 2026: Live in Savannah with D.W. Moffett

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‘Wait Wait’ for March 28, 2026: Live in Savannah with D.W. Moffett

Actor, director, chair of film and television department, SCAD, D.W. Moffett speaks on stage during Rising Star Award presentation to “Star” on Day Three of aTVfest 2017 presented by SCAD at SCADshow on February 4, 2017 in Atlanta, Georgia. (Photo by Vivien Killilea/Getty Images for SCAD)

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This week’s show was recorded in Savannah with host Peter Sagal, judge and scorekeeper Alzo Slade, Not My Job guest D.W. Moffett and panelists Adam Burke, Shantira Jackson, and Joyelle Nicole Johnson. Click the audio link above to hear the whole show.

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Not My Job: Actor, director, and chair of the film and television department at SCAD, D.W. Moffett, answers our questions about melees

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Actor D.W. Moffett, part of the cast of One Battle After Another, plays a game called “Lots of Battles All At Once.”

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Alzo Slade reads three news-related limericks: Buns on the Runway, Constructive Play, Getting Work Done at Work.

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Gen Z is the loneliest generation. Here’s what can help

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Gen Z is the loneliest generation. Here’s what can help

We are more connected than ever before, with our high-speed internet, pinging smartphones and ever-updating apps and social media networks. (iPhone 17e, anyone?!)

And yet, we are also lonelier than ever, especially younger generations who are even more likely to be on their digital devices for longer periods of time. Gen Z, it turns out, is the loneliest generation of them all, according to the 2025 Cigna Group report “Loneliness in America.” It found that 67% of Gen Zers reported being lonely (65% of millennials, who also grew up with digital technologies, did as well, as compared with 60% of Gen Xers and 44% of baby boomers).

What’s more, about 1 in 5 teenagers ages 13 to 17 experiences high rates of loneliness, according to a World Health Organization’s 2025 report; and according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 40% of high school students reported “persistent feelings of sadness and hopelessness” in 2023.

Dr. Shairi Turner, chief health officer of the nonprofit Crisis Text Line — a free, 24-7 text-based mental health service — calls it “a public health crisis” that is especially affecting Gen Z for a reason.

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“They’re 14-29 now, so they’re digital natives, very comfortable with being connected to people by phone,” she says. “But that connection isn’t a replacement for human connection. It gives the illusion of being close, but without real interpersonal interaction.”

That’s compounded by the COVID-19 pandemic and increased single parent households, she says.

“This is a generation that lived through the pandemic during some key developmental years — some of their formative years may have been in lockdown, using smartphones, [instead of] developing critical social skills,” Turner says. “And Gen Z is more likely to have been raised in single-parent households, and may have come home to an empty home where one parent was working or they were going back and forth between homes.”

So where to go from here? Note the warning signs, Turner says.

“Is your child spending more time with their phone than their friends?” she says. “Are your kids coming home upset about interactions at school or with their friends more times than not? And: Are they avoiding in-person extracurricular activities like sports or clubs? These are all things to look out for.”

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Here are Turner’s top three tips for helping your Gen Z kids cope with loneliness.

Be present and engage in active listening

“Give them the space to share their feelings. Just be present and listen to your child — don’t put words in their mouth. Create that safe space so they know they can share with you that they’re feeling lonely. Ask open-ended questions. Instead of saying ‘did you have a good day?’ where they can say ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ ask a question that elicits more: ‘What did you do today that you enjoyed?’ Or: ‘Is there anything you found challenging today?’ Brainstorm with them options or ways that they could have handled a situation differently; or do some role playing with your child, so they feel prepared the next day.”

Plan outdoor social activities

“That can be with your child or with your child and their friends. Connect in a low-pressure way: ‘Let’s bring some kids over and go to the park.’ Plan something around a shared interest, like soccer or baseball, where they’re enjoying the sport together and they don’t have to sit and talk in a high-pressure way — they can just have fun. Our report on young people in crisis shows that outdoor third space areas — parks and recreation — help young people cope with their mental health. These same young people identified sports and opportunities for social connection as helpful to their mental health and well-being.”

Explore mental health resources

“Know what the school resources are, what’s available, before your child needs mental health support. Are there counselors, school psychologists? What’s the bevy of resources in school or in the community if my child is in need — therapists, local support groups? Our Crisis Text Line is great because it’s on the phone and most young people are comfortable with that and they can text our volunteers and it’s confidential. It’s about being prepared and aware.”

Ultimately, Turner says, young people are resilient — their brains are still growing — and intentional parenting goes a long way toward offsetting the effects of digital devices and social media.

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“It’s never too late to encourage — and model — positive interpersonal skills,” Turner says. “Meaning: human to human connection.”

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