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L.A. Affairs: Do I really love him? Or do I just hate myself?

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L.A. Affairs: Do I really love him? Or do I just hate myself?

I scrolled past his profile on Hinge, not because I wasn’t interested, but because I didn’t think I stood a chance. I’m a 5-foot-10 English major who, despite thousands of salads and ab crunches, has yet to lose the stubborn lower belly fat that prevents me from having fun at pool parties.

He had tens of thousands of Instagram followers and was friends with other disconcertingly attractive gay men my friends and I dubbed “the Instagays.” A retired college athlete with blond hair, a killer smile and washboard abs, he was the exact image of what I wasn’t. The only thing we seemed to have in common was that we were gay.

So when he invited me to connect on Hinge, I was stunned. I paced my apartment, thinking every thought between “I can’t believe the hot guy thinks I’m hot” and “This must be a mistake.” I accepted his request cautiously, half-convinced it wasn’t really him.

Our chat began with the usual song and dance of gay online dating: Cute dog. Cute cat. What do you do for work? How do your parents feel about you being gay? It dragged on for a week until I suggested we meet in person.

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Much to my surprise, he agreed. We picked a Thai restaurant not far from me. He arrived shortly after I did, dressed in all black with Steve Madden boots and a Patagonia coat. When I stood to greet him, I was surprised by his reserved demeanor, completely different from the confident image I had projected onto him from his now-vanished social media presence. I had anticipated a guy who walked in with a chip on his shoulder, as if just showing up was doing me a favor. But that wasn’t the case. I could feel his nerves.

Was he embarrassed to be here with me? I wondered. Maybe I look different in person from online. Why was it so hard for me to consider that he might actually find me attractive?

Soon our conversation turned to music. We discovered we loved Lana Del Rey and agreed “Norman F— Rockwell” is her best album. Oddly, his favorite song, “Love Song,” was also mine. We talked about Charli XCX, Bon Iver, Frank Ocean and the recently departed Sophie.

By then, my curiosity had become full-blown infatuation. In the gay community, we’re often inundated with soulless club bangers. So meeting someone who appreciated music with fewer than 100 beats per minute felt like a revelation. I would’ve never guessed that someone who looked like him would listen to music with such introspection. Together, we found solace in lyrics that mirrored our unspoken truths. It felt oddly like we were trauma-bonding.

Conversation flowed effortlessly as we moved from music to families, my grad program, his internship abroad and our shared distaste for “The Tonight Show.” Eventually, we realized the restaurant was closing, the neighboring tables were cleared and the chairs were already stacked. We asked for to-go boxes and stepped out into the night.

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As we walked side by side toward our cars, we paused in front of a bookstore on the corner, its windows glowing warmly against the cold. “Do you want to go in?” he asked, his breath visible in the frosty air.

“Sure,” I said, my voice catching a bit. I didn’t know why I felt so nervous. Maybe because it was the first time I realized I could love him. The hot guy was a secret nerd. Inside, he gravitated to the architecture section, pulling out thick design books and talking about his growing library at home. We moved to the queer lit shelves, where he held up “The Song of Achilles.”

“Have you read this yet?” he asked.

“No,” I admitted, adding it to my mental list.

We wandered toward the cookbooks. While he searched for recipes, I scanned for celebrities and found Antoni from “Queer Eye.”

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“I hear he makes a killer guac,” I said sarcastically, holding the book out. He raised an eyebrow and indulged me with a laugh. We left the store, him empty-handed, me with Sally Rooney’s “Beautiful World, Where Are You.” At our cars, I longed to kiss him but held back. I couldn’t tell if he felt the same way.

We hugged goodbye, polite and with some distance. Even without a kiss, it was the best date I’d ever been on. When I got home, I noticed a new follower on Instagram. It was him, but not the profile I remembered. Gone were the shirtless pics, the Instagays, the party weekends in Palm Springs. His new account had just a few hundred followers and no selfies, just his design work. What happened to the guy I thought I knew? I couldn’t help but wonder if something had changed in him.

Maybe he had grown tired of performing perfection. Maybe the pressure to be desirable got too heavy. Or maybe he just stopped caring about what others thought. What must it feel like to not care? Growing up gay in a conservative Catholic environment, I had no blueprint for happy queerness.

The stories I saw were tragic: Gay men were lonely, addicted, dying. So I clung to external markers of success, hotness, followers and desirability as a kind of shield against shame. I thought if someone like him wanted me, maybe I could finally feel worthy. But what if he didn’t need any of that anymore? What if I’m still the one holding on?

We only went on two more dates. Every time I tried to plan a fourth, he had something else going on. It wasn’t quite ghosting; if I texted, he’d respond. But the message was clear, I cared more than he did.

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It’s a strange thing falling for someone who seems to embody everything you’ve ever wanted to be. What made this so hard wasn’t losing him, but losing what might have been had he felt the way I did.

Ultimately, I’m not sure if I loved him or if I just wanted to be chosen by him. I wanted the world to look at us and say, “See? He’s enough.” But he taught me, maybe without knowing, that chasing external validation only leads back to the same question: Do I really love him or do I just hate myself?

The author is an award-winning writer and television producer who lives in West Hollywood. He’s on Instagram: @lmillernd.

L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here.

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More is more in this L.A. ‘barn’ exploding with thrifted finds and maximalist flair

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More is more in this L.A. ‘barn’ exploding with thrifted finds and maximalist flair

“Gambrel roofed Barnhaus,” the listing read, “next door to the best burritos in town.”

Its photos revealed something unusual for Inglewood, which is famous for its mix of architectural styles, including Midcentury Modern homes by R.M. Schindler and Googie-style coffee shops: a brick-red barn-style house on a large corner lot, listed at $449,000.

When Meeshie Fahmy and her husband, Aaron Snyder, toured the house, they learned that the burrito claim was true. The photos, however, had clearly been touched up to make the house, located just a few miles from the Kia Forum and SoFi Stadium, look better than it actually was.

Outside, the former dirt lot is now a lush garden with towers of colorful black-eyed susans on arches, planters full of nasturtiums and vegetables, a firepit and pergola.

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Inside, the house had “wall-to-wall carpets on both floors that were heavily stained and worn, dated wood paneling on the walls, holes in the walls,” Fahmy says.

Despite these flaws, the couple saw the home’s potential and decided to buy it, even though a leaning retaining wall nearly derailed their escrow. “It was a blank canvas for us to play and experiment,” she recalls a decade later.

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After they moved in, neighbors revealed the house was not original to the site. Years earlier, the original Craftsman had been torn down; the current house, a sweepstakes prize, arrived in two pieces by crane. “Our neighbors recalled it was quite a sight,” Fahmy says.

At the time, Fahmy, 44, worked as an event planner at the Getty Museum. As renovations started and she followed her passion for interior design, Snyder proudly introduced her to staff at the local Carniceria as “an interior designer.” She replied, “That’s not what I do.”

“I told her, ‘If you don’t start saying it, it’s not going to happen,’” says Snyder, 49, who pursued his own dream of becoming a professional skateboarder before moving into video editing. “Speak it to existence.”

Finishing the house took years, patience and a lot of DIY projects because of their budget. But Fahmy didn’t just dream — she made it happen. In 2018, she started working for interior designer Willa Ford, who mentored her at WFord Interiors. By 2020, Fahmy launched her own design firm, Haus of Meeshie. “It’s been a progressive layering of colors, furniture, reupholstering, adding art, wallpaper, lighting,” she says. “Low and slow; the flavor is richer.”

Meeshie Fahmy and Aaron Snyder's family room, a colorful and over the top maximalist dream.

Meeshie Fahmy and Aaron Snyder’s family room is a colorful maximalist dream with thrifted furnishings, art and layered textures and patterns.

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A trippy clock stands next to a large scale print
A living room with green walls, art and eclectic furnishings

Ninety percent of the furnishings are thrifted. “Nothing is too precious,” Fahmy says.

Today, their home reflects Fahmy’s fearless approach — it’s a true “petri dish for experimentation.” The vibrant, layered four-bedroom house is a maximalist fever dream, packed with furniture, accessories and art sourced from Facebook Marketplace, vintage shops, flea markets (Long Beach flea is a favorite), estate sales and secondhand stores in L.A. and elsewhere.

She estimates about 90% of the furnishings and accessories in her home are thrifted, antiques or things she found on the side of the road, and nothing is too precious, reaffirming her playful approach to decor.

A dining room with art hung salon style on the wall.

A Jonathan Adler dining table, found on sale, sits in front of a wall filled with art arranged salon-style. Among the pieces is Fahmy’s favorite: a wedding portrait her father, Walter Fahmy, painted of her.

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A colorful lounge with green wallpaper.

The speakeasy features a vintage standing bar from Craigslist, barstools and a Geo pendant light by Los Angeles designer Jason Koharik and a mirror Fahmy found at a neighborhood estate sale.

She likes to refer to her decorating style as “creatively unhinged.”

“It all flows,” she says, curled up with her dogs on a CB2 couch she found on Craigslist. “There’s a rhythm. Every piece tells a story. Pick one — I’ll share it.” She recalls throwing herself on a vintage Baker sideboard at a Florida Goodwill without knowing how she’d get it back to Los Angeles and laughs when Snyder discovers a tiny Jack Black-as-Jesus portrait tucked into a gilded dining-room oil painting.

The sink and vanity in the guest bathroom? That used to be a dresser she found on Craigslist.

Although others have questioned their home purchase, Fahmy never doubted they could transform the space into something special.

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A kitchen with blue cabinets.
A purple bathroom with artworks hanging on the walls.
A red wall with photographs.
A staircase leading up to the second level, backed by a pink wall.

Color ties the house together. The powder room is purple, the entry hall is red, the kitchen has blue cabinets and the hallway is painted pink.

“When I first saw the house, when they bought it, I thought she was crazy,” Meeshie’s friend and former colleague, Talene Kanian, says in an email. “Other than keeping the ‘barn’ shape, she completely transformed the interior. Now, when you step inside, you’re welcomed into a home full of color, pattern and playfulness.”

Snyder adds: “Meeshie is able to visualize things 10 steps ahead of everyone else, even things that seem like a complete mess.“

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Working together, the couple removed the shag carpeting and wood paneling from the first floor and the stairway, installing drywall in their place.

Next, they painted the walls — no beige here. The deep green living room sets a bold scene: a clock worthy of Dalí, leopard prints, pink Persian rugs, a snake ottoman and a thrifted tufted chair with Art Deco vibes from CB2.

Designer Meeshie Fahmy pictured with her pet dogs in her garden.

“I did not venture into interior design formally,” Fahmy says. “I feel very lucky to have found this passion.”

The color story flows through the house: The powder room is purple, the entry hall red and the dining room walls pink, with one wall in a bold 1970s-style mushroom-pattern wallpaper from Londubh Studio. The speakeasy features a vintage standing bar from Craigslist that Snyder squeezed into his car, barstools and a Geo pendant light by Los Angeles designer Jason Koharik and a mirror Fahmy found at a nearby estate sale.

In the kitchen, they removed the 1970s-era wooden cabinets and Formica countertops, replacing them with more pink walls, Moroccan-style tile flooring and blue cupboard fronts from Semihandmade, which creates cabinet doors for IKEA cabinets.

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Fahmy painted a Keith Haring-style black-and-white mural at the top of the stairs and continued onto the second-floor walls using a paintbrush taped to a broomstick. She finished by painting the handrail bright blue and wrapping each stair with a Persian-style runner.

Outside, the couple leveled the once-dirt backyard, added pea gravel, built a pergola with a handyman and installed a firepit where they enjoy entertaining their friends.

A bedroom with burgandy walls
A bathroom with perisan rug print wallpaper

The main bedroom features burgundy walls, while the bathroom next to it has Persian rug-patterned wallpaper from House of Hackney.

Now the once-empty backyard is a lush garden: towers of colorful black-eyed susans on arches, planters of nasturtiums and homegrown vegetables. A trickling fountain greets visitors as they walk through the French doors. Snyder, an avid cook, can easily step out to cut fresh herbs mid-simmer, making the outdoors a true extension of the home.

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The couple’s home is full of memories, and as you walk through, you can sense how much their stories matter to them. In the downstairs hallway, Snyder smiles as he points out photos of his family in Wisconsin. Similarly, Fahmy proudly shows a photo of her great-great-grandmother Theresa “Tessie” Cooke Haskins, a noted harpist whose daughter Maud Haskins was the first harpist to perform with the orchestra at the Hollywood Bowl.

Art is everywhere, from the Polaroids pinned to the walls in the powder room to the ceramics and masks hanging throughout the house. Yet Fahmy’s favorite possession is deeply personal: a portrait of her on her wedding day, painted by her father, Walter Fahmy, who studied art in Egypt before coming to America.

A staircase with pink walls leads to the downstairs.
Upstairs hallway leading into designer Meeshie Fahmay and Aaron Snyder's primary bedroom.

Upstairs, Fahmy created a black-and-white mural inspired by Keith Haring at the top of the stairs, then kept going along the second-floor walls using a paintbrush taped to a broomstick. She finished by painting the handrail a bright blue and wrapping each stair with a Persian-style runner.

View of designer Meeshie Fahmy and Aaron Snyder's dining room looking onto their outdoor garden in their home.

French doors connect the house to the garden, so the backyard feels like a natural part of the home.

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For Fahmy, these details matter. “I feel like our home is a love letter to my upbringing,” she says, referring to her parents, who were both pharmacists. “It’s an ode to them and the sacrifices they made for me.”

Visitors feel the same way. Their house is a true labor of love, apparent the second you enter,” Kanian adds. “It radiates warmth and love.”

Snyder feels it too. “I feel an immense amount of pride when I walk into our house,” he says.

Like a barn raising that brings people together, their house has become a welcome part of the neighborhood with its blue siding, bright yellow front door and a playful mural by Venice artist and skateboarder Sebo Walker. “We’ve had neighbors knock on our door and tell us, ‘We love what you’re doing,’” says Snyder.

A blue kitchen looking into the living room.

“I love color,” Fahmy says. “I love to experiment.”

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With the main house finished for now, Fahmy hopes to turn the garage into an accessory dwelling unit, or ADU, in the style of Mexican architect Luis Barragán: bold with color and texture. “I’m envisioning a mini boutique hotel,” she says. “Simple to execute, yet unique in L.A. I’d love a pink building.”

Like the possibility of a pink building — or not — Fahmy’s freewheeling style proves it’s OK to experiment and make mistakes. (She wants to demo the kitchen next for a fresh look.)

“You’re not tattooing your face. You’re painting your walls,” she says as a way to encourage others to experiment. “Your home should be a reflection of who you are. I hope our home inspires others to live how they want to live.”

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The 11 most challenged books of 2025, according to the American Library Association

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The 11 most challenged books of 2025, according to the American Library Association

The American Library Association’s list of the most frequently challenged books of 2025 includes Sold by Patricia McCormick, The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky and Maia Kobabe’s Gender Queer: A Memoir.

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American Library Association

The American Library Association has released its annual list of the most commonly challenged books at libraries across the United States.

According to the ALA, the 11 most frequently targeted books include several tied titles. They are:

1. Sold by Patricia McCormick
2. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
3. Gender Queer: A Memoir by Maia Kobabe
4. Empire of Storms by Sarah J. Maas
5. (tie) Last Night at the Telegraph Club by Malinda Lo
5. (tie) Tricks by Ellen Hopkins
7. A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas
8. (tie) A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
8. (tie) Identical by Ellen Hopkins
8. (tie) Looking for Alaska by John Green
8. (tie) Storm and Fury by Jennifer L. Armentrout

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Many of these individual titles also appear on a 2024-25 report issued last October by PEN America, a separate group dedicated to free expression, which looked at book challenges and bans specifically within public schools.

The ALA says that it documented 4,235 unique titles being challenged in 2025 – the second-highest year on record for library challenges. (The highest ever was in 2023, with 4,240 challenges documented – only five more than in this most recent year.)

According to the ALA, 40% of the materials challenged in 2025 were representations of LGBTQ+ people and those of people of color.

In all, the ALA documented 713 attempts across the United States in 2025 to censor library materials and services; 487 of those challenges targeted books.

According to the ALA, 92% of all book challenges to libraries came from “pressure groups,” government officials and local decision makers. While 20.8% came from pressure groups such as Moms for Liberty (as the ALA cited in an email to NPR), 70.9% of challenges originated with government officials and other “decision makers,” such as local board officials or administrators.

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In a more detailed breakdown, the ALA notes that 31% of challenges came from elected government officials and and 40% from board members or administrators. In its full report, the ALA states that only 2.7% of such challenges originated with parents, and 1.4% with individual library users.

Fifty-one percent of challenges were attempted at public libraries, and 37% involved school libraries. The remaining challenges of 2025 targeted school curriculums and higher education.

The ALA defines a book “ban” as the removal of materials, including books, from a library. A “challenge,” in this organization’s definition, is an attempt to have a library resource removed, or access to it restricted.

The ALA is a non-partisan, nonprofit organization dedicated to American libraries and librarians.

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BoF and Marriott Luxury Group Host the Luxury Leaders Salon

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BoF and Marriott Luxury Group Host the Luxury Leaders Salon
On the eve of Milan Design Week, 15 of the industry’s most influential founders, executives and creative directors gathered at Lake Como’s newly opened Edition hotel for an intimate, off-the-record conversation about where luxury goes next.
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