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Why you should fight to keep old friends

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Why you should fight to keep old friends

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It can be tough to maintain our relationships with old friends.

We move cross-country. We have kids. Or maybe one person is better at staying in touch than the other.

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Despite the challenges, Nina Badzin, host of the podcast Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship, argues we should fight to keep old friends.

“It’s important to have friends who have known you through different stages. It’s a good life skill for happiness,” says Badzin, who has hosted nearly 150 episodes on adult friendships, on topics ranging from defining close friends to dealing with rejection.

The key is to focus less on them and more on you. “Don’t keep score,” she says. “And learn to develop a benefit of the doubt. Assume the best of your friends.”

Badzin talked to Life Kit about how to cultivate a mindset that can help you nurture old friendships — and the art of staying in touch.

How would you define an old friend?

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I think a lot of us [define old friends as the ones we made in] childhood, or somebody we were friends with in college who we’re still friends with now.

Having been in the trenches together also makes us feel like old friends. It could be a job where you together had a difficult boss, and you’re still friends 10 years later.

A photograph shows two pink photo frames covered in sparkly heart, star and smiley-face stickers, each holding a photograph of two friends. On the left, the frame shows a photo of two children wearing party hats, one with red hair and one with blond hair, that's slightly out of focus. On the right, the photo shows the same people posing for a photograph as young adults, symbolizing a long-term friendship progressing and enduring over the years.

“It’s important to have friends who have known you through different stages,” says Nina Badzin, host of the podcast Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. “It’s a good life skill for happiness to be able to maintain friendships.”

Photo illustration by Tsering Bista/NPR


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Why do some friendships survive for decades and others fade away?

The thing that gets in the way of old friendships is a perceived lack of equality and effort. It’s hard not to expect other people to do friendship exactly the way we do or the way it was always done.

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Is there value in telling a friend, “I would really like to be loved or cared for this way.” 

Yes, absolutely. For example, you could say, “I love the time we spend together and I don’t mind that I make a lot of the plans, because it’s important to me to see my friends. But I would like to know if you really want these invitations.”

That said, I don’t think you should bring up every friend’s aggravation. It goes back to assuming the best and knowing that people do friendship differently.

Let’s talk more about assuming the best intentions.

There is a quote I love by a former guest of mine, Ruchi Koval, a relationship coach. She said there are people who never disappoint us, and those people are called acquaintances.

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An old friend especially is going to have disappointed us at some time, and we will have disappointed that person. So any long-standing friendship needs to have forgiveness in it. And forgiveness requires humility to assume the best.

What does it mean if someone doesn’t have any old friends?

If you haven’t been able to maintain friendships, it’s probably a sign that something is off in your mindset about friendships. Maybe you have unreasonable expectations.

I don’t say this to make people feel terrible. I say it with optimism. This is something you can change. You can have friends in your life now who you make an effort with so that 10 years from now you can consider that person an old friend.

If you only see or talk to an old, out-of-town friend once a year or once every five years, are you still friends? 

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Yes, but I would not let five or 10 years go by [without talking to them] if you can help it.

Being an adult means making time for your friends because it is important. If all you can manage right now is a FaceTime with your long-distance friends, I would do that.

Sometimes those can feel like work. 

It is a lot like exercise. Very few people regret having gone on a walk. Yes, we would love to just sit and watch TV, but once you’ve gone on that walk, most people come back and they’re like, “OK, I’m glad I did that.” A phone call with a friend is a lot like that.

A photograph of a monthly wall calendar. On the square for the 9th of the month, "BFF TIME" is written in pink marker and surrounded by sparkly heart and star stickers, symbolizing the idea of planning ahead to spend time with friends.

“Being an adult means making time for your friends because it is important,” says Badzin. “If all you can manage right now is a FaceTime with your long-distance friends, I would do that.”

Photo illustration by Tsering Bista/NPR

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How important is in-person connection to old friendships?

If you’ve been talking on the phone and texting with an old long-distance friend for a decade, you would want to get on a plane at some point and see that person.

If we’re talking about in-town friends, it’s important to get together in person. I love getting together with people in someone’s house much more than a restaurant. It’s so loud. You can only talk to the person right next to you. And after 20 or 30 minutes, you’re caught up and you kind of see your friend on the other side of the table and wonder what she’s up to.

If you’re at someone’s house, you can move around. It’s more natural to talk to one person — then after a little bit, talk to another person. People love being invited over.

How can we give our friends the grace and the space to change?

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Most of us want to be able to develop and change our mind about things. There’s not a lot of hope in the world if we have to keep the same opinions and interests we had from the time when we were in our 20s or 30s.

Give your friends space to try different ways of living. Nobody likes to [be around] someone who says, for example, “I thought you said you would never be one of those people who does CrossFit.”

It is one of the biggest gifts you can give to a friend. If we could give others as much space as we give ourselves, it would go a long way.

It sounds like it’s important to fight for your friendships.

All you can do is control how much effort you put in and then assume the best of the people who are important to you.

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The digital story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.

Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, and sign up for our newsletter. Follow us on Instagram: @nprlifekit.

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Appeals court denies Trump’s request to halt removal of his name from the Kennedy Center

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Appeals court denies Trump’s request to halt removal of his name from the Kennedy Center

The Kennedy Center on June 28, with its facade signage still covered by a tarp and scaffolding.

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On Wednesday, a federal appeals court denied President Trump’s request to stop the removal of his name from Washington, D.C.’s Kennedy Center. The signage on the building has been covered with tarp and scaffolding since June 13, but in a court filing last month, the center’s current executive director said that Trump’s name has been removed.

In their decision, three judges from the U.S. District Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit said that the president had failed to prove that the arts center would be “irreparably injured” without Trump’s name attached to it.

NPR requested comment from the Kennedy Center, but did not receive an immediate reply.

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This latest round of court decisions is part of the ongoing litigation filed by Rep. Joyce Beatty, D-Ohio, against President Trump and the board of the Kennedy Center. In a statement emailed Wednesday to NPR, Beatty said: “Today’s ruling again affirms that this administration’s efforts to rename the Kennedy Center were unlawful. His name no longer desecrates this sacred memorial, which belongs to the American people. Now it is time for the Trump administration to accept this, comply with the law, and take the tarps down.”

In previous court filings, Trump’s legal team had asserted that removing the president’s name from the arts complex, both on the physical building and in its digital materials, would inflict irreparable harm in both time and money already spent. In the denial, the three judges — Patricia Millett, Robert Wilkins and Gregory Katsas — wrote that since Trump’s name has already been removed, “a stay would not avert those harms.”

Furthermore, Trump had claimed that without his name attached, future fundraising would be threatened “and [will] contribute to the financial decline of the Center.” In response, the appeals judges wrote: “Appellants, however, have failed to support this assertion with any specific facts or evidence. They offer only the conclusory assertions of the Kennedy Center’s Executive Director that were made in a factually unsupported declaration.” The center’s current executive director, Matt Floca, specializes in physical plant management.

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A meal with an animated Mona Lisa? Immersive dining goes high tech — but will L.A. eat it up?

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A meal with an animated Mona Lisa? Immersive dining goes high tech — but will L.A. eat it up?

My dinner course is served. It is a Campbell’s-inspired soup can, lightly angled so strands of broccoli are peeking out. I lift the can to uncover a slow-braised short rib and mashed potatoes. An American dish to represent an American artist, here Andy Warhol.

The room is overtaken with projections, scenes of bustling New York traffic paired with bachelor-pad-like guitar riffs. Shown on a wall above a dinner table is a selection of Warhol silkscreens. It’s a Friday night in West Hollywood, and I’m surrounded by a mix of out-of-towners and those celebrating an anniversary. And while this is a special occasion, we’re urged to get a little messy with our food — to use our hands, to paint with a salad, to draw on a cookie.

The main course: A tomato soup can? “7 Paintings” is an immersive event that occasionally hides dishes in artist-inspired presentations.

(Christina House / Los Angeles Times)

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Play is the primary side dish at “7 Paintings,” a tech-infused dinner theater that aims to be a crash course in fine art. That selection of veggies paired with multiple mini cups of colorful dressings? Guests are encouraged to mix and match the vinaigrettes into a mess of hues, a nod to abstractionist Jackson Pollock. And yellowfin tuna with dashes of avocado and taro chips? That’s an edible tribute to Banksy, of course. What does raw fish have to do with stenciled street art? It’s bold, heavily angled and has a short shelf life? Maybe? Perhaps don’t overthink it.

Even the paper is edible.

Even the paper is edible.

(Christina House / Los Angeles Times)

“Have you ever eaten a painting before?” says Nadine Beshir, the Dubai-based creator of “7 Paintings.” “We try to get people out of their comfort zones and eating paper. I want to bring out the child in them.”

“7 Paintings,” held at Sunset House L.A. through the end of August, is the latest example of immersive dining to arrive in this city. These experiences often involve guest participation and are accentuated with advanced multimedia technology and sometimes theatrical elements.

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Worldwide, there have been standouts. For instance, Eatrenalin at Germany’s Europa-Park, a dining room-meets-ride where participants are whisked around the space on trackless “floating chairs,” has just received a coveted Michelin star. Ibiza’s Sublimotion has similar haute ambitions, pairing 12 diners together in a room that will come alive with otherworldly projections and performers. At times, diners will win don virtual reality headgear.

But tech-driven immersive dining experiences have never quite taken off in Los Angeles as a trend. Last year, the Gallery, where fantastical cityscapes and projections surrounded downtown L.A. diners, stood just a couple months before the concept was abandoned.

A dinner event titled "7 Paintings" is a 7-course meal with projections

“7 Paintings” pairs food with art and music. It’s “fun dining, not fine dining,” says its founder.

(Christina House / Los Angeles Times)

Bartender Luca Famulari shakes a cocktail at the immersive dining event.

Bartender Luca Famulari shakes a cocktail at the immersive dining event.

(Christina House / Los Angeles Times)

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“The economics of a restaurant are not the same as the economics of theater and the challenge of combining the two lies in thinking outside the box with respect to pricing and cost structure, such that the customer perceives high value from both the food and the experience,” says the Gallery co-founder Daren Ulmer.

Entrepreneurs keep aiming for that careful balance. “Le Petit Chef and Friends” is currently running at Tangier at downtown’s Hotel Figueroa, an event in which a fully animated film is projected on our plates and tables. Long-running pop-up event Fork N’ Film leans more dinner and movie, pairing dishes directly inspired by what is happening on screen. Upcoming films include “Ratatouille” and “Lilo and Stitch.”

The field comes with challenges. “The costs are very high,” says Joanna Garner, an immersive designer and former creative director with experiential art firm Meow Wolf. Garner has been experimenting herself with communal, immersive dinner events, and her next, the flirtatious “Please Open Your Mouth,” is set for July 11. (No tech there, as Garner is after a more sensual, adult-focused gathering.) Tickets for her event are $150 and a spot in the “7 Paintings” dining room runs $175, priced on par with a number of city’s most acclaimed restaurants.

There is also the reality that all public dining is in some fashion immersive, usually requiring varying combinations of engagement, communication and presentation. And then, are all these added elements distracting?

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An animated Mona Lisa sits on the wall as guests enjoy their meals.

An animated Mona Lisa sits on the wall as guests enjoy their meals. Throughout the dinner, the painting provides factoids on various artists.

(Christina House / Los Angeles Times)

Throughout “7 Paintings,” for instance, an animated Mona Lisa, situated on the wall next to the main dinner table, will provide brief biographical details of each artist represented.

“Being able to nail the food, and nail the story, those are two very difficult threads to weave,” Garner says. “I do think, ultimately, people come to a dinner table to talk to the people at the table and to have intimate experiences. To have an experience where you’re constantly being taken away from the food, I’m not so sure if that’s what people are looking for.”

Food is framed as a star of “7 Paintings” but tasting it is just one component. At one point, we must uncover a cheese course in a tiny treasure chest, the code for the lock hidden in the projections (don’t stress, it’s not a hard puzzle). Beshir highlights the Pollock-inspired salad course, which is accentuated with a jazz soundtrack, as the thesis of the evening.

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1 A guest uses a silicon brush to apply sauces onto an entree, a nod to abstractionist Jackson Pollock.

2 Projections fill up the dining table during meals.

1. A guest uses a silicon brush to apply sauces onto an entree, a nod to abstractionist Jackson Pollock. 2. Projections fill up the dining table during meals.

“This course is really about getting people to free their minds from preconceived ideas,” Beshir says. “Like, you have to eat with a fork and knife, or the salad comes and then the dressing. No, the dressing comes and then the salad, and it’s trying with big brushes to paint the way he did. A lot of people do not understand Abstract Expressionism, and they think it’s people just splashing colors around. But when you understand the link between the rhythm of the music and painting, you live it. We give you time to paint with your salad dressing.”

In L.A., Beshir has partnered with nightlife impresario Kim Kelly, who is plotting a “Sleep No More”-inspired walk-around theatrical show for the Sunset House venue later this year. “7 Paintings,” however, is fully seated, and purposefully a little silly. Beshir and Kelly have been evolving it during its L.A. run, recently adding a stronger painting component by giving guests their own canvas to work on throughout the evening. Each night crowns a winner.

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“Everyone comes over to look at their art,” Kelly says. “It just kind of changed the whole thing, to be honest. People are now being creative throughout the entire evening. Instead of just watching and occasionally painting, you’re now painting the whole time.”

As for what, perhaps, soba noodles with edamame and mushrooms have to do with Pablo Picasso, or why Salvador Dali gets an unexpected dessert course of a white chocolate potato souffle, Beshir clarifies the goal of the evening. While the animated Mona Lisa will provide backstories on each painter, this isn’t an educational night. “It’s fun dining, not fine dining,” Beshir says.

And by the end of my night, strangers were socializing, showing off their painted cookie creations, sharing Banksy tidbits and asking for recommendations on various vinaigrette combinations. Ultimately, it’s an evening of discovery, packed with surprises like finding an entire course hidden under a canvas.

Two men smile as they dine at a dinner event

Darryl Mayes of Charlotte, N.C., left, and Taylor Smith of North Hollywood, right, uncover their course.

(Christina House / Los Angeles Times)

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“We try not to have too much sophistication, like fried ants or something. I’m personally very adventurous in how I eat, but if I want to have this in 100 cities around the world, I cannot be too meticulous.”

And Beshir has big goals.

“I want this be your movie and dinner thing,” Beshir says. “I want people to be waiting for our next show, and to be able to afford to come every couple months.”

And to come home not with leftovers, but perhaps a painting of their own.

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We unpack the 2026 Emmy nominations : Pop Culture Happy Hour

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We unpack the 2026 Emmy nominations : Pop Culture Happy Hour

Matthew Rhys was nominated for his role in Widow’s Bay.

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The 2026 Emmy nominations are here. We’re unpacking the record-breaking nominations for Hacks, plus a big day for Widow’s Bay, The Pitt, and The Bear. We’ll also talk about the snubs and make some early predictions of who will win. 

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