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Control issues? These two simple words could help

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Control issues? These two simple words could help

“The single best thing” Mel Robbins has ever done began with a stressful moment on her son’s prom night.

The bestselling author, former attorney and host of one of the world’s most popular podcasts is talking about her latest book, “The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can’t Stop Talking About ” (Hay House).

The book — which demystifies ancient concepts from Stoicism, Buddhism and Greek philosophy for modern, plugged-in, multitasking audiences — arose that evening, when Robbins says she was “being a complete control freak” and “micromanaging every detail.”

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Shelf Help is a wellness column where we interview researchers, thinkers and writers about their latest books — all with the aim of learning how to live a more complete life.

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She was agonizing over the teens’ lack of dinner plans and the fact that it was raining and they might show up to the dance soaked. She was on her phone and shouting to other parents and trying to take control of the situation when her daughter repeatedly insisted that she let the kids do it their way.

Let them grab tacos instead of going to a restaurant. Let them ruin their shoes in the rain. “It’s their prom, not yours,” she said to Robbins.

After “like the 11th time,” it finally sunk in, Robbins said, and she felt herself relax.

After sharing the experience with her 8.3 million Instagram followers, and then to her legions of loyal podcast subscribers, the enthusiastic response made it clear: She needed to write a book. In December 2024, so came “The Let Them Theory.” In an interview with Robbins, Oprah Winfrey called it “one of the best self-help books I’ve ever read.”

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The Times spoke with Robbins about how the simple phrases “let them” and “let me” can help us feel less stressed and more empowered, and help us better navigate the challenges of dating, family relationships and social media.

This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

Portrait of Mel Robbins

(Mel Robbins author of “The Let Them Theory” (Jenny Sherman))

How did you realize that “let them” could work beyond the prom?

I’m the kind of person that’s always wanted to know how to be more stoic and let go, yet I’ve never really been able to apply philosophy when I’m already emotionally triggered. The way it hit me was at the prom.

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From that point forward, any time either life was frustrating me or my husband did something that was annoying, or my mother — I just started saying, “Let them,” and I noticed that it was immediate peace in a way that I had never experienced in my life.

All that I’m doing is reminding people of what they know to be true. The issue of trying to control things that aren’t yours to control, and how it just creates stress for you, this is the fundamental law of human beings that has been around since the beginning of time.

There are two parts to the theory: let them and let me. Why is it important to use both?

The second part is the more important part, because the second part is where you actually cue yourself and remind yourself that your life is your responsibility. When you say, “Let me,” you remind yourself that in any situation — and this is literally the teaching in “Man’s Search for Meaning,” [Holocaust survivor] Viktor Frankl’s work — the only thing that’s in your control is your response to what’s happening. You can control what you think about what’s happening. You get to choose what you do or don’t do in response. And you get to choose how you process your emotions. That’s what you get to control and that’s where your power is.

Cover of "The Let Them Theory" by Mel Robbins

You say the hardest part of “let them” is learning to feel raw emotions without immediately reacting. A lot of times, we’re already reacting before even thinking “let them.” How do we do this?

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I’m still working on it. I think you deserve a gold medal if you have the presence of mind to even say, “I would like to be less reactive moving forward.” Just being aware that it’s a skill and it would benefit you and bring more peace to your life, that is the first step. Part of the reason we’re so reactive is because we feel this sense that we’re trapped because we’ve given so much power to other people. Every time you say, “Let them,” even if it’s after the outburst, you’re still diffusing the emotion. What I have found in my own life, because [I’m] a very emotional person, is that the more I said it, the more you close the distance between the impulse to flip somebody off and actually saying, “Let them.” And you’ll get to a point where every time you say it, you’re literally using it as a tool to catch that nervous system or emotional response.

How can we use “The Let Them Theory” to prevent that compare-and-despair feeling we often get from social media?

It took me a long time to flip from this really insecure, scarcity mind-set, where I truly believed that if somebody else got something that I wanted, it meant they were winning and I lost. I didn’t understand the beauty of the world we live in, which is the things that you want in life — whether it’s success or it’s money or it’s happiness or it’s friendship — these things are in limitless supply.

It took me too long to understand that I’m not actually competing against somebody else in the game of life. I’m playing with them. If my friend is able to do [something], then it is evidence that I — with work and with time and with patience — can do that for myself too.

You start to realize that other people are not standing in your way; you’re doing that to yourself. You’re the one using comparison to stop yourself. You’re the one telling yourself it’s never going to happen. You’re the one telling yourself that you’re not good enough or that you can’t figure it out. When you stand in your own way, you miss out on the fact that literally every single person that has something that you’re interested in or that you want in life, they can actually show you how to get it. They show you what’s possible.

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Let’s talk about “let them” as it relates to dating. You say let them show us who they are, how responsive they are. But given today’s digital landscape, how do we use “let them” and still be present enough to allow for flirtation and mystery in relationships?

It’s understanding what part of the dating cycle you’re personally in instead of constantly trying to guess what part of the cycle the other person is in. If you’re in that phase where you’re just meeting a ton of people, really staying focused on, “I’m cool with playing the field right now.” But there’s going to come a point in time where you’re no longer interested in that, or where you say to yourself, “I actually like this person and I don’t want them to see other people.”

When you recognize that you’re no longer in that space of wanting to be casual, the mistake that everybody makes is we now give power to the other person we’re interested in. We now become detectives trying to figure out when they feel the same way we do. That’s when you start chasing the potential. That’s when you start overanalyzing everything you do. That’s when you start to cling, and you start to get weird, and you start to pretend that things are still casual, but you’re secretly looking to see if their Hinge profile is still up.

That’s where you lose power. Because the better thing to do when you no longer just want to be in the casual space is to have a conversation. They could say no, but this is how you respect yourself.

It seems like saying “let them” and “let me” requires self-confidence and self-compassion. How do we get there?

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You don’t get there by hoping it comes. You have to use the tools. One of the reasons why we don’t have these conversations — or even something more subtle, like you have a roommate or sister or a parent who’s just negative or passive-aggressive and you’ve put up with it for years — is it takes courage to say to yourself, “I don’t want to have to deal with this, so I’m going say, ‘Let them,’ because I’m going to stop trying to manage their mood.”

It takes a lot of compassion and grace for yourself. And then you do the “let me” part, which is: Let me remind myself that I get to choose how much time and energy I spend with this person.

You say this is especially hard with loved ones. Why is that?

These people have known you since you were born, and they have expectations about who you are and who you should be and what should happen in this family.

Think about family like a spiderweb. Any tap on the web reverberates through everybody. Anytime you start to let your family have their opinions, or let them have their fears, or let them have their expectations and let them have their concerns — which they have, because they’ve always had them about you — when you start saying “let them” and create space, you’re widening out the space between the webs. People don’t like that.

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Then you say: Let me live my life in a way that makes me happy; let me pursue a career I really want to pursue; let me love the person that I love. Those decisions actually force other people to have to deal with their own expectations and opinions. But that doesn’t mean you have to change what you’re doing in order to appease them or meet their opinions.

How do we apply the theory without becoming passive or aloof or waiting for a big blowup?

One of the things I see from people is like, “I’m supposed to let people abuse me? I’m supposed to let them disrespect me?” I’m like, no, that’s probably happening right now. Because we, especially in families and with loved ones, explain away bad, disrespectful and abusive behavior.

A figure dance with an umbrella in the rain

(Maggie Chiang / For The Times)

If we are in a family system or a relationship where there has been a cycle of emotional abuse or a cycle of narcissism, the psychology of it is very, very challenging, because you keep holding on to the hope that someone’s going to change. We keep a fantasy alive in our heads versus learning how to live with the reality in front of us. You start to realize, every time you say, “Let them” and “Let me,” that the power isn’t in what other people are doing. The power is in your values and how you respond.

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TAKEAWAYS

from “The Let Them Theory”

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This painting is missing. Do you have it?

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This painting is missing. Do you have it?

The missing 1916 painting Music, by Gabriele Münter. Its whereabouts have been unknown to the public since 1977. Oil on canvas. (Private collection. © 2025 Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York/VG Bild-Kunst, Bonn)

The Guggenheim, New York


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The Guggenheim, New York

This is a story about a missing painting, from an artist you may never have heard of. Though she helped shape European modern art, German artist Gabriele Münter’s work was quickly overshadowed in the public’s mind by her 12-year relationship with noted abstract artist Wassily Kandinsky.

She met Kandinsky in Munich in 1902, and with his tutoring, she “mastered color as well as the line,” she told a German public broadcaster in 1957. Together with other artists, they founded an avant-garde arts collective called Der Blaue Reiter (The Blue Rider) in 1911.

Wassily Kandinsky's "Painting With White Border" (Bild mit weißem Rand), 1913.

Wassily Kandinsky’s Painting With White Border (Bild mit weißem Rand), 1913. Oil on canvas, Guggenheim Museum, New York City.

Allison Chipak/The Guggenheim, New York

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At the time, most modern artists, like Kandinsky, were moving toward more and more abstract work. Not Münter. In her paintings, people look like people and flowers look like flowers. But her dazzling colors, simplified forms and dramatic scenes are startlingly fresh; her domestic scenes are so immediate that they feel like you’ve interrupted a crucial, private moment.

“Gabriele Münter was so pioneering, so adventurous in her adherence to life,” said Megan Fontanella, curator of modern art and provenance at the Guggenheim Museum in New York City. “She is revitalizing the still life, the landscape, the portrait genres, and presenting them in these really fresh and dynamic ways.”

Yet, perhaps due to her relationship with Kandinsky, her work was rarely collected by important museums after her death in 1962 (she herself said she was seen as “an unnecessary side dish” to him), and so her paintings largely disappeared from the public eye.

Now Münter is having a moment, with exhibitions this year in Madrid and Paris, as well as one currently at the Guggenheim in New York. The New York show is an expansive one and includes American street photography in the late 1890s, alongside over 50 paintings, from her dazzlingly colored European landscapes to portraits capturing the expressive faces of people she knew.

Gabriele Münter's "Self-Portrait in Front of an Easel" (Selbstbildnis vor der Staffelei), circa 1908-1909.

Gabriele Münter’s Self-Portrait in Front of an Easel (Selbstbildnis vor der Staffelei), circa 1908-1909. Oil on canvas. (© 2025 Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York/VG Bild-Kunst, Bonn)

Bruce M. White/Princeton University Art Museum/Art Resource, N.Y.

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Bruce M. White/Princeton University Art Museum/Art Resource, N.Y.

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Yet, when Fontanella was putting “Gabriele Münter: Contours of a World” together, there was one painting she couldn’t find: Music, from 1916.

In it, a violinist is playing in the center of a yellow room, with two people quietly listening. It’s set in a living room — but because it uses her wild colors and flattened figures, it feels vibrant and dramatic, not cozy or saccharine.

Fontanella said this painting is important because it provides a window into Münter’s life after she separated from Kandinsky, who had gone on to marry someone else. She was struggling financially, and she was no longer the promising young person she once was. But Fontanella said the painting shows she had found a new creative circle.

“There’s something really uplifting about that. You know, it speaks to her resilience, her sense of adaptation,” Fontanella said. Instead of showing those years as dark and challenging, it is serene and warm, joyful. “I think that’s really important because especially with a woman artist, it’s so easy to get tripped up in her biography and really see it colored by her romantic relationships when, in fact, the paintings tell a different story.”

Fontanella said she used every tool available to her to find Music. She worked with Münter’s foundation and contacted owners of collections in Europe and the United States, from institutions to private collectors. She read correspondence and catalogs from past exhibitions.

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Gabriele Münter's "From the Griesbräu Window" (Vom Griesbräu Fenster), 1908.

Gabriele Münter’s From the Griesbräu Window (Vom Griesbräu Fenster), 1908. Painting on board. (© 2025 Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York/VG Bild-Kunst, Bonn)

Städtische Galerie im Lenbachhaus und Kunstbau München, on permanent loan from the Gabriele Münter and Johannes Eichner Foundation, Munich


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Städtische Galerie im Lenbachhaus und Kunstbau München, on permanent loan from the Gabriele Münter and Johannes Eichner Foundation, Munich

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It’s not unusual for art to vanish from public view if it’s not held at an institution. Private collectors often want to keep their holdings quiet. If they don’t sell a particular work at an auction or lend it to a museum, only a very small number of people might know that it still exists and where it is.

Fontanella was able to trace Music to its last known owner — a German collector named Eugen Eisenmann, who had the painting in 1977.

“There was a moment where the collection was starting to be broken apart and dispersed and no longer being held by subsequent relatives or family members,” she said.

Then the trail ended.

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Not the end of the story

But just because the painting hasn’t surfaced yet doesn’t mean it never will. Take the story of a piece called There are combustibles in every State, which a spark might set fire to. —Washington, 26 December 1786, depicting Shays’ Rebellion, one of 30 works in the Struggle series by artist Jacob Lawrence. A 2020 traveling exhibition organized by the Peabody Essex Museum in Salem, Mass., had brought the works together for the first time in 60 years.

Five of the paintings couldn’t be located, and the curators put placeholders where those paintings should have been: black-and-white photographs of the canvases if they existed, blank spaces if they didn’t.

“We didn’t have any image of it. There really was no trace,” said Sylvia Yount, the curator in charge of the American Wing at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. She co-curated the Met’s presentation of the exhibition with curator Randall Griffey. “We had decided to leave the missing panels as kind of an absence, to really underline the absence. There was a blank on the wall.”

And, then, the miracle.

A visitor to the exhibition went home, contacted a friend “and said, ‘I think you might have one of these missing panels,’” Yount explained.

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The friend did. When Yount, Griffey and art conservator Isabelle Duvernois went to see the painting — which was just across Central Park from the Met in an apartment on the Upper West Side — “we walked in and immediately knew it was right,” Yount said.

Within about two weeks, it was hanging in the exhibition. Incredibly, not long later, a second panel was found. Because that one needed some conservation work and a new frame, it didn’t join the series at the Met, but it did become part of the show later as it traveled across the United States.

That kind of thing “doesn’t happen every day,” Yount said, laughing.

Could it happen again?

But Fontanella hopes that it could happen for Münter’s painting. She included a photograph of it in the catalog so that people would know what to look for.

“What I always hope with stories like this is that the painting will resurface in its own time, you know, when it wants to be discovered,” Fontanella said. “But there’s been so much genuine interest in Gabriele Münter as an artist, as a person, that I feel it’s only just on the horizon that this painting will come to light.”

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Gabriele Münter: Contours of a World” is on view at the Guggenheim in New York through April 2026.

Ciera Crawford edited this story for broadcast and digital. Chloee Weiner mixed the audio.

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Model Olivia Mathers Hot Shots to Kick Off Her 29th Birthday!

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‘It’s behind you!’ How Britain goes wild for pantomimes during the holidays

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‘It’s behind you!’ How Britain goes wild for pantomimes during the holidays

The Wicked Witch ‘Adelphaba’ (played by Gigi Zahir) on stage at the Pleasance Theatre in North London

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LONDON — Foreboding music begins. A scary green witch announces her arrival with a cackle. It’s the opening of Wicked Witches, a British holiday-time play known as a “pantomime,” at a North London theater.

But soon after she walks on stage, it’s clear the witch isn’t happy with the audience.

She says the audience is being too quiet, and should boo her as loudly as they can, because she is the “villain” of the pantomime. She leaves the stage and comes back on — and this time, the audience does what it’s told, heckling with loud boos.

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Throughout the two-hour play, the audience is expected to join in, shouting out classic lines that most people who attend already know, even if they haven’t seen this play. Pantomimes are famous for crowds calling out catch phrases e like “it’s behind you!” — to alert the actors to something, or someone, they can’t see on stage.

All across Britain during the festive period, families attend pantomimes — often shortened to “pantos” — which help get them into the Christmas spirit. Pantomimes are usually based on a well-known story, often a fairy tale, which is then given a bawdy twist. Traditionally, they feature female characters, or “dames,” played by a man in drag, and include lots of music, particularly pop parodies.

The show at the Pleasance Theatre is inspired by The Wizard of Oz and Wicked. Its storyline imagines a blizzard that brings Dorothy (whose name has changed to Dor) back to Oz, 20 years after that first visit. But in many ways, the plot comes second to the silly jokes, innuendos, and songs.

Actor Sir Ian McKellen playng Toto the Dog in a video clip for the Wicked Witches pantomime.

Actor Sir Ian McKellen playng Toto the Dog in a video clip for the Wicked Witches pantomime.

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Pleasance Theatre

Pantomimes are also known for featuring celebrities and public figures. This one features politician Jeremy Corbyn, who used to lead Britain’s Labour Party He appears on video as the Wizard of Oz-lington, a pun on Islington, the area of London he represents, now as an independent, in Parliament. Even more exciting is actor Ian McKellen — famous for playing Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings films — who is seen in a video clip as Toto the dog.

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The Wicked Witches pantomime in North London was actually written by an American, Shane “ShayShay” Konno, who comes from California’s Bay Area but has lived in the United Kingdom for 12 years. “I didn’t grow up in the U.K., and when I moved here, starting to understand pantomime felt like a huge cultural hurdle,” Konno says.

Pantomime has its roots in Italian commedia dell’arte, a form of theater that dates back to the 16th century. In Britain, it has gradually developed over the years. “The actual history of pantomime is it started in East London, and it used to be this huge thing where the whole community would come together,” Konno explains.

Konno is nonbinary, and their pantomime is consciously inclusive of LGBTQ people, featuring a nonbinary character in the lead role of Dor, and a message that people should accept people who are different from them. “I wanted to make something that made an explicitly LGBT version of The Wizard of Oz and Wicked, because that’s such a beloved franchise for the queer community,” Konno says.

There are two versions: one for families with children, and one just for adults. But Konno says they aren’t as different as you might think. Many of the ruder jokes remain in the family-friendly show, but they are carefully disguised. “When a quite rude joke is said, but one that goes over the kids’ heads, it does tickle the adults in the room more than it would in an adult show because they’re like, ‘Oh my goodness, I can’t believe that they said that in front of the children,’” Konno says.

Characters perform on stage at the Wicked Witches pantomime in north London, on Dec. 6.

Characters perform on stage at the Wicked Witches pantomime in north London, on Dec. 6.

Robbie Griffiths/NPR

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Most theaters around Britain have an annual pantomime in the festive period — and it’s often their most popular production of the year. Johnny McKnight, from Paisley, a town near Glasgow, Scotland, has been performing and writing pantomimes in Scotland for 20 years, and says it’s a vital part of many British people’s Christmas celebrations.

“I’ve always said to everybody, when you do a pantomime, and you’re doing 12 shows a week, you’re giving people the gift of their Christmas ritual, their Christmas night out,” McKnight says. McKnight often plays the role of the dame, dressing up in drag.

McKnight has seen different generations of the same families grow up watching his shows, and explains that pantomime is often the first time that children in Britain ever visit the theater. “A lot of the time it’s a child’s first entry point,” McKnight says. “It was certainly mine — my first entry point into live theater.”

At the Wicked Witches show in North London, there are lots of children at the theater for the first time. Imogen Coackley is 8 years old, and attending with her father Alex and 5-year-old sister Emily. Imogen explains that she likes the pantomime because “they say very funny jokes and talk to the audience.”

McKnight says that seeing children enjoy his shows is one of the best parts of the job. “There’s something … magical in that, that you’re creating something accessible that talks to its audience rather than at them, that asks them to participate,” he says.

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