Health
Should Your Partner Really Be Your Best Friend?
Stephanie Lopez is effusive about her husband’s good qualities. He is a man of character, kindness and integrity, she said. He is a loving father and treats her with respect.
But is he her best friend?
“No!” said Ms. Lopez, who is 43 and lives on Hawaii’s Big Island.
“I don’t have sex with my friends,” she explained. “I don’t pay bills with my friends. And I guarantee you, if I did, it would change the whole dynamic of the relationship.”
The belief that your partner should be your best friend pops up everywhere, whether on social media or in the greeting card aisle. It’s not unusual to seek a romantic partner who fulfills more than the role of spouse, co-parent or lover, said Alexandra Solomon, a clinical psychologist and host of the “Reimagining Love” podcast.
“We want somebody who sees us and gets us,” Dr. Solomon said. “Well, that’s the same darn thing we want in our friendships. We really are craving that same sense of affinity and admiration.”
But is it unreasonable to expect your bedmate to be your best friend, or is it the highest form of intimacy?
A Spouse’s Ever-Changing Role
Jennifer Santiago, 42, and her husband are best friends.
The couple, who began dating in high school, have broken up briefly over the years, taking time apart to get to know themselves and what they want out of life. But their underlying friendship brought them back together every time, said Ms. Santiago, who lives in Orlando.
“There was always an empty void when we took a break,” she said. They realized: “Wow, we really, truly do everything together!”
Historically, that is a relatively new approach to romantic relationships, said Eli J. Finkel, a social psychologist and the author of “The All-Or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work.”
Until the mid-1800s, marriage in the United States mostly revolved around ensuring partners had their basic needs (like food and shelter) met — what Dr. Finkel calls the “pragmatic era.” Between 1850 and 1965, marriage entered the “love-based era” — in which the primary relationship functions were about love and companionship, he said. Since then, we have been in the “self-expressive” era — in which marriage is about not only love, but also personal growth.
“The marital relationship has taken on more and more responsibility for our social and psychological needs,” Dr. Finkel said.
How to Set Realistic Expectations
Is it a good or bad thing that many people now expect their romantic relationships to fulfill so many roles in their lives? Ultimately, that depends on “whether your relationship can deliver,” said Dr. Finkel, who is also a co-host of the “Love Factually” podcast.
He feels “delighted” for people who say they want their romantic partners to also be their best friends. But he suggests they consider: Are there other expectations they can let go of? For instance, he said, it is a lot to expect your partner to be the co-chief executive of the household, to split child care, to be your exclusive sexual companion and to be your best friend.
“I don’t want to sound like a scold,” Dr. Finkel said. “I just want people to be aware that every additional expectation that you’re throwing on top of your relationship comes with opportunity for enhanced closeness — and it comes with additional risk that the relationship will buckle under the weight of those expectations.”
He suggested releasing some of that pressure. Can you lean on other friends for emotional support? Are you OK being emotionally close to your partner, but not necessarily having the spiciest intimate life together?
Dr. Solomon believes that friendship, particularly best friendship, is not a requisite for long-term intimacy. But it doesn’t hurt either, she said.
Liking your partner — which she described as admiring them, finding them funny, caring about their worldview, and having fun simply being together — can “cushion” the other relationship challenges a couple might face, she said.
But Dr. Solomon admitted that while she adores her husband of 26 years, he is not her best friend. “My best friend’s name is Ali, and she lives in Seattle,” she said. “She’s been in that spot since we were 10 years old.”
Ultimately, maintaining a tight romantic bond may come down to managing expectations and clearly discussing them, said Adam Fisher, president of the American Psychological Association’s division for couple and family psychology.
Dr. Fisher had a mentor who described marriage and relationships as best friendship plus sex. While he thinks that is one “very viable” approach to a relationship, he said, it is by no means the only one.
“Couples need some kind of ‘glue’ — commitment, shared values, sex, finances — something,” he said, but it doesn’t need to be friendship.
Ms. Lopez is opting out of the bedmate-as-BFF paradigm.
“I think we put so many expectations and responsibilities on our partners,” she said. “I’m not here to be everything and all things to you.”
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Health
Most Americans are doing one nightly activity that’s wrecking their sleep, expert says
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If you’re not sleeping well, there could be a variety of reasons, but one habit stands out as the biggest culprit.
Dr. Wendy Troxel, a licensed clinical psychologist and senior behavioral scientist at RAND based in Utah, revealed that phone use at night is the activity that is most likely to have a negative effect on slumber.
“Most people are aware of this, but probably the No. 1 habit that’s contributing to interrupted sleep and poor-quality sleep in Americans is the use of phones at night, particularly in bed,” she said in an interview with Fox News Digital.
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“About 90% of Americans are using their phones in bed, and as much as I would like to tell everybody to remove the phone entirely from the bedroom, I realize that ship has probably sailed by now.”
About 90% of Americans use their phones in bed, the sleep expert said. (iStock)
This disruption is driven by both blue light exposure and the stimulating content on phones, according to Troxel.
“There is blue light emitted from our devices, and blue light can suppress the hormone melatonin, which is the hormone of darkness.”
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“But it’s not just the blue light that is causing sleep disruptions from our phones. It’s really the stimulating content that we’re consuming … (on) social media, which is designed to be addictive, so that you can’t put that phone down,” she added.
The combination of blue light and stimulating content keeps the mind alert and interrupts quality sleep. (iStock)
This content is also “very emotionally activating,” Troxel noted, which is “antithetical to the state we want to be in as we approach sleep.”
To counteract attachment to phones, the sleep expert recommends setting a boundary with one simple rule.
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“I recommend that you try to keep your phone more than arms’ distance away from you while in bed,” she advised. “And set a rule for yourself. If you’re going to use the phone, don’t do it in bed. In fact, make your feet be on the floor if you’re going to use that phone.”
“I recommend that you try to keep your phone more than arms’ distance away from you while in bed,” the sleep expert recommended. (iStock)
Setting this boundary creates “behavioral friction,” according to Troxel.
“As a clinical psychologist, I work with people to help them … break habits that aren’t serving them,” she said. “Having that little bit of behavioral friction makes the habit of immediately grabbing for the phone and scrolling while in bed a little more difficult.
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“And when that automatic behavior is a little more difficult, it’s less likely to occur.”
Health
Giant golden spiders could spread this summer; experts downplay health risk
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Large, palm-sized spiders are spinning massive golden webs across porches and power lines, and, according to experts, they’re here to stay.
The Joro spider, which has a leg span up to 4 inches and markings of neon yellow, blue-black and red, was first recorded in Georgia in 2013.
Since its arrival — likely as a hitchhiker on a shipping container or an airplane from Asia, experts say — the arachnid has been steadily marching north.
DOZENS SICKENED AS POTENTIALLY DEADLY FUNGUS SPREADS IN SOUTHERN STATE
The spiders have so far been spotted in Georgia, North Carolina, South Carolina and Tennessee.
They are expected to spread throughout eastern North America, at least as far north as Pennsylvania and possibly further in warmer, coastal areas, according to Penn State.
Joro spiders can “fly” by shooting out silk parachutes that carry them on the wind. (Stuart Cahill/Boston Herald)
To travel, the spider uses a technique called “ballooning,” in which hatchlings release fine silk threads that catch air currents and carry them over long distances.
Ian Williams, an entomologist with Orkin, said he counted 200 adult spiders by September of last year on his one-acre property near Atlanta.
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“They’re quite intimidating looking spiders, and they make very large webs,” he told Fox News Digital. “The webbing itself, if it catches the sunlight, has a golden hue to it. And it’s very strong.”
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Despite the arachnid’s striking appearance, experts agree that people shouldn’t panic. Research shows the Joro is among the “shyest” spiders ever documented. When disturbed, they often sits motionless for over an hour rather than attacking.
Joro spiders like to spin their webs up high near houses, trees and even power lines, an expert said. (Stuart Cahill/Boston Herald)
“While they’re large spiders, they don’t have large fangs. And, so, it’s difficult for them to bite humans,” Williams noted.
Even in the rare event of a nip, the expert said the venom is weak, comparable to a localized bee sting, and carries “no medical importance.”
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As an invasive species, the Joro’s impact is still being weighed by scientists.
“One of the big concerns is that they potentially out-compete native species of spiders,” Williams said.
Physical removal is more efficient than pesticides, according to an expert. (iStock)
A prolific hunter, the Joro spider catches everything from mosquitoes to large, meaty insects like cicadas. It is unclear whether it steals food from native garden spiders.
To prevent Joro spiders from nesting on your porch or property, experts recommend using a broom or long pole to knock the web down.
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“Spiders may get the message, ‘Hey, I’m not going to keep remaking my same web in the same area,’” Williams said.
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Physical removal is more effective than pesticides, which often miss the spiders in their high, open-air webs.
For those who spot a Joro spider in a new area, experts suggest logging the sighting on apps like iNaturalist to help researchers track their northern migration.
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