Connect with us

Culture

NFL offensive linemen Christmas gifts ranked: Do QBs, teams benefit from their generosity?

Published

on

NFL offensive linemen Christmas gifts ranked: Do QBs, teams benefit from their generosity?

Offensive linemen have the most thankless job in the NFL. Go stand in that guy’s way, and if you do a good job, we’ll never talk about it. Screw up and, best case, we’ll publicly shame you. Or we’ll blame you for a loss or injury.

The big lugs need a hug, and that’s why they look forward to the holiday season. Their rich quarterbacks — and sometimes the running backs — reward offensive linemen for their blood, sweat and tears with lavish gifts for Christmas. While they’re not always shared with the public or annoying media types, we were able to compile our list of the top 10 gifts from this year, plus a couple of honorable mentions. (The bottom of the list is best left to one’s imagination, and we were not able to confirm our theory that Houston Texans quarterback C.J. Stroud gave his offensive linemen some rocks to kick.)

Did the quarterbacks, and teams, get immediate dividends from the offensive linemen for their generosity? Let’s take a look at the best gifts along with how those teams fared in Week 17.

1. Cincinnati Bengals

Week 17 result: Beat Denver Broncos 30-24

Joe Burrow asked his linemen what they wanted, and when some said guns, it got him thinking about the coolest weapon — and samurai swords were the obvious answer.

Advertisement

“Samurai swords, I think, are pretty dang cool,” he told reporters.

He bought authentic Japanese Katana swords, each having a unique backstory of a town or battle, lined them up in a room and had the linemen pick.

“Joe does a great job at buying gifts that are extremely meaningful,” left tackle Orlando Brown Jr. told reporters. “The fact that he bought me a sword, it’s the most ancient form of respect.”

“My favorite gift I’ve ever gotten by far because it’s so different,” guard Alex Cappa added.

Burrow was sacked seven times in the Bengals’ overtime win over the Broncos on Saturday, so maybe less pretend sword fights this week, guys.

Advertisement

2. Green Bay Packers

Week 17 result: Lost to Minnesota Vikings 27-25

Running back Josh Jacobs wrapped up customized diamond pendants for his 12 offensive linemen. They were commissioned by ZoFrost and Co., a custom jewelry maker based in Houston.

Jacobs is having a huge season but was held to 69 yards and a touchdown on 17 carries in the loss to the Vikings. The Packers did score the last 15 points of the game to make it close, so maybe it just took the linemen a while to stop squinting from all the bling.

3. Philadelphia Eagles

Week 17 result: Beat Dallas Cowboys 41-17

Running back Saquon Barkley, who is vying for the NFL rushing record, was smart and went in with quarterback Jalen Hurts on gifts for the linemen. They bought each one a personalized golf cart, customized with the player’s last name and number. And, of course, the logos for Hurts and Barkley on the back. After all, what’s the point of a gift if there isn’t a constant reminder of who got it for you?

4. San Francisco 49ers

Week 17 result: Lost to Detroit Lions 40-34

Brock Purdy was also smart. He hasn’t gotten his big payday yet, so he turned to corporate sponsorship. Thanks to his friends at Toyota, Purdy gave 10 linemen either a Toyota Sequoia or a Toyota Tundra. Though these are the most expensive gifts on the list, we can’t rank them too high since Purdy was more of a middleman.

5. New York Jets

Week 17 result: Lost to Buffalo Bills 40-14

Advertisement

You can’t dress up a pig, but that doesn’t mean pigs don’t like to clean up nicely every now and then. Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers, who has had a miserable season, tried to style up the Jets facility. He had a tailor come in and measure the linemen for a custom Tom Ford suit, which they can wear with their new Tom Ford sunglasses and Tom Ford cologne. They also received a Louis Vuitton passport holder.

And if that was all too much for them, Rodgers threw in a stereo speaker and a bottle of Devils River bourbon.

As for the game, Rodgers benched himself in the fourth quarter with the Jets down 40-0. There is no truth to the rumor that one of the lineman at that point yelled out, “Who the eff is Tom Ford?!?”

6. Detroit Lions 

Week 17 result: Beat San Francisco 49ers 40-34

After all, offensive linemen are a simple lot. Jewelry? Trucks? Nah. Lions quarterback Jared Goff knew his audience.

Advertisement

“It’s hard when you got guys giving out Toyota trucks to try and keep up with that,” he told reporters, “but I got them a nice Yeti package with a ton of wagyu — steaks and beef. I hope they like it.’”

They did. The only downside is the gift is gone in four days.

7. Pittsburgh Steelers

Week 17 result: Lost to Kansas City Chiefs 29-10

This one should be higher on the list. We are just anti-gift cards. Even if they’re for $10,000 for an Airbnb that can be used worldwide. The Steelers’ Russell Wilson also gave 14 offensive linemen a black and yellow Louis Vuitton duffel bag, custom-made black and yellow Good Man Brand shoes and a bottle of wife Ciara’s Ten To One rum.

The Steelers have lost three games in a row, so clearly vacation-themed gifts were a bad idea.

Advertisement

8. Kansas City Chiefs

Week 17 result: Beat Pittsburgh Steelers 29-10

This should be higher on the list, as well. But we’re tired of the Chiefs winning everything. And of Taylor Swift. The Chiefs’ Patrick Mahomes gave his bodyguards a red Yeti cooler with a Rolex watch, Oakley sunglasses, Lucchese boots and Normatec recovery boots inside. This after giving them a golf cart last year and a personalized golf bag with clubs the year before.

9. Washington Commanders

Week 17 result: Beat Atlanta Falcons 30-24

Advertisement

Jayden Daniels is impossible to predict on the field, as he can throw it over defenders’ heads or run by them. But when it comes to buying gifts, the Commanders QB kept it simple. He wrapped up electric scooters for his offensive linemen, “so they don’t have to walk around as much,” he told reporters.

10. Los Angeles Chargers

Week 17 result: Beat New England Patriots 40-7

Justin Herbert got his linemen two gift cards, one from Delta Airlines (along with luggage) and one for wagyu beef from Snake River Farms — to keep their minds off their vacation plans.

The Patriots didn’t show up Sunday, so it didn’t really matter for this study what Herbert got his guys.


Honorable mention

Buffalo Bills

Week 17 result: Beat New York Jets 40-14

In the past, Bills QB Josh Allen gifted his linemen custom scooters, golf clubs and lessons. But his Bills linemen have reversed the trend — since whenever they screw up, Allen just runs by a defensive lineman or trucks a defensive back.

Last year, they gave him an ATV. This season, they decided to let him know what they thought about the pending MVP vote. The linemen gave him a custom diamond necklace of Allen’s No. 17 jersey with “MVP” on the nameplate. The back has the names of the linemen listed. Tackle Dion Dawkins posted the gift on Instagram with the caption, “Merry Christmas to our MVP.”

New York Giants

Beat Indianapolis Colts 45-33

Daniel Jones is living the good life as a practice squad player on the Vikings. But he didn’t forget his former teammates — or hold a grudge for all the beatings they facilitated earlier this season — and sent his old Giants linemen presents. He gifted them a limited edition bottle of Clase Azul tequila. The bottles can range in price from $120 to $19,000.

Advertisement

Here’s hoping the linemen didn’t Google their respective bottles.

Overall record: 8-4

Moral of the story: Big guys like presents.

(Top illustration: Will Tullos / The Athletic; photos of Jalen Hurts, Joe Burrow and Jared Goff: Emilee Chinn, Dylan Buell and Todd Rosenberg / Getty Images)

Advertisement

Culture

Do You Recognize These Lines From Popular Science Fiction?

Published

on

Do You Recognize These Lines From Popular Science Fiction?

Welcome to Literary Quotable Quotes, a quiz that tests your recognition of classic lines. This week’s installment highlights observations from future or alternate worlds depicted in popular science fiction. In the five multiple-choice questions below, tap or click on the answer you think is correct. After the last question, you’ll find links to the books if you’re intrigued and inspired to read more.

Continue Reading

Culture

Test Your Memory of These Books That Changed the World

Published

on

Test Your Memory of These Books That Changed the World

Welcome to Lit Trivia, the Book Review’s regular quiz about books, authors and literary culture. This week’s challenge tests your memory of books that made huge impacts on society after they were published — some of them even spurring changes to American laws. In the five multiple-choice questions below, tap or click on the answer you think is correct. After the last question, you’ll find links to the books if you’d like to do further reading.

Continue Reading

Culture

Finding Wisdom in a Poem by Wendy Cope

Published

on

Finding Wisdom in a Poem by Wendy Cope

Advertisement

Where do you turn when you need advice? A chatbot? A life coach? A wise and trusted friend?

How about a poet? Poets may not be famous for making the best life choices, but because they subject the mess of human existence to the discipline of language, they can be as helpful as any therapist or mentor.

Good poets know the rules and when to break them, which is something they can teach the rest of us.

Advertisement

To wit:

Giving advice is a peculiar literary undertaking. It flourishes in certain popular genres — graduation speeches, newspaper columns, country and western songs and poems like this one — but what, in these contexts, is it really for?

Advertisement

I’m thinking of situations when you don’t urgently need help but nonetheless enjoy reading answers to questions you may not have thought to ask. What interests you isn’t the content of the advice — you could get all the life hacks you want from A.I. — so much as the voice of the person dispensing it.

Wendy Cope is an English poet, born in 1945, who has been a fixture of her country’s literary scene since the 1980s. More recently, her short, buoyant poem “The Orange” has been widely memed online, bringing her to the attention of new readers beyond Britain.

Advertisement

Cope favors rhyme, meter, brisk jokes and tart aperçus. She addresses romance, friendship and the petty absurdities of modern life with disarming good humor. The last line of “The Orange” is “I love you. I’m glad I exist.” Somehow she makes it the opposite of cringe.

This isn’t the kind of poetry you would describe as “confessional.” And yet …

Want to learn this poem by heart? We’ll help.

Advertisement

Fill in the missing words below. You can always refer to the reading by A.O. Scott and full
text above.

Question 1/7

Let’s start with the first stanza.

Advertisement

Stop, if the car is going clunk 

Or if the sun has made you blind. 

Dont answer emails when youre drunk. 

Advertisement

Tap a word above to fill in the highlighted blank.

Advertisement

Continue Reading
Advertisement

Trending