Hello Carolyn: My spouse divorced me 10 years in the past. After a time frame, I discovered a brand new companion my age, “Deb,” and we’ve a beautiful relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend and share a home. My 4 grownup youngsters are very keen on her.
Washington
Advice | Carolyn Hax: Religious daughter won’t abide divorced dad’s cohabitation
My daughter and I’ve a pleasant father/daughter relationship, however there’s a facet of her pondering I wrestle with. When Deb and I am going to go to, we should sleep in separate bedrooms. My daughter shows numerous household footage, however none of Deb and me collectively. She declined to take part along with her siblings in a gaggle birthday reward for Deb. I discover it hurtful, as does Deb, that my daughter doesn’t absolutely settle for Deb as a part of the household, just because we aren’t married. In any other case, my daughter treats Deb courteously.
I perceive the Bible’s fundamentals, however I really feel as if there must be some flexibility relating to right now’s methods folks select to reside collectively. I don’t understand how my daughter can’t see that she is being hurtful to each of us, however I additionally really feel as if approaching my daughter about this concern would trigger a rift between us. Ideas?
P.: You “really feel as if there must be some flexibility,” however your daughter and her husband and their church have made it fairly plain that they don’t really feel the identical manner.
You spelled this out for me your self: Your daughter has centered all the things round her church. Every little thing. So it doesn’t shock me in any respect that she doesn’t make a one-off, be-flexible-for-Deb (and even Dad) exception.
I’m shocked it surprises you and Deb, if something.
However I additionally understand it’s rather a lot simpler for any of us to see a harsh, impersonal reality for what it’s after we’re not those getting the bony finish of the elbow. Your daughter isn’t shunning me as biblically inappropriate, so it’s straightforward for me to level to ideological absolutes and say, “Yup, makes good sense to me.”
Please don’t mistake this assertion for agreeing along with your daughter’s selections. I’m simply explaining them. All I stand by explicitly is her proper to make them.
I do encourage you, although, to simply accept your daughter’s inflexible consistency as license to cease taking her exclusions personally. The purpose of this group’s dogma, to the extent I could make it out from right here, is to go away as little decision-making as doable within the palms of the person. Issues aren’t private. It’s all concerning the religion.
And when the collective impingements of her religion in your relationship with Deb quantity to good, courteous relationships, besides: 1. Separate rooms for visits. 2. No photographs. 3. A bunch reward that’s 25 p.c smaller than it may very well be? My recommendation is to thank the Fates for handing you some fairly small beans to digest.