Dear Opponent: West Virginia – Sports Illustrated TCU Killer Frogs News, Analysis and More

This work of epistolary comedy is devoted to the KillerFrogs Fan Discussion board Literary Assessment Board. 

With love, 

T.

_{DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.}

“I’ve come right here to chew bubblegum and discuss trash.  And I am all out of bubblegum.” 

–“Rowdy” Roddy Piper (barely amended)

Pricey Mounties,

I’m scripting this with the utmost trepidation.  Worry grips my hand, has close to paralyzed my fingers.  They weigh closely as stones, the keys clang like cannons, sweat clogs my pores and I put on my pores and skin as thick as a cement cloak, moist and heavy, molding me right into a verbose, lachrymose statue.  

Buddies from West Virginia, your fame precedes you.  I acknowledge I’m addressing absolutely the most interesting establishment of upper studying within the nation–nay, the world–and that each misplaced modifier and botched subject-verb settlement, each infelicity and solecism, will probably be famous by your whole extremely dignified readership.  It isn’t misplaced on me that you just attend a college by which the typical scholar boasts a 150 IQ, with SAT scores that aren’t a lot off the charts as unchartable.  You come from a legendary land of genius and class, turning out by the thousand Renaissance women and men who rival the best luminaries of the Enlightenment.  Each time one in all your graduates pens an essay on quantum mechanics, Einstein weeps.  When she or he writes a poem, Shakespeare rises from the grave in utter despair, demanding that each play, together with Lear, be hurled into the closest fireplace, en masse.  As in your philosophy, Kant has gone extinct, a lot to the aid of poor philosophy undergrads all over the place.   

Neither is the genius of your mascot misplaced on me.  Removed from the backwoods simian some much less discerning commentators would traduce, he’s an absolute masterwork of irony:  a humble polymath utterly consultant of Emersonian self-reliance and Thoreauean manliness, who rises at daybreak to scratch off two sonnets and a villanelle, maintains his cabin until the afternoon, hunts down bears escaped from the Waco Zoo along with his barehands until dinnertime, the stays upon which he feeds, and retires within the night with books on all topics, in all languages, lastly falling to sleep on a mattress he carpentered himself.

Having stated that, Davy Crockett is a Texas hero, born in Tennessee.  Have been you the Tennessee Mountaineers, I’d supply no protest.  However seeing as West Virginia is a whole bunch of miles from Crockett’s Tennessee birthplace, I am afraid this constitutes a base violation of a Texas hero’s Identify/Picture/Likeness, a problem I’ll return to on this letter’s postscript.  I am shocked your Brandeis-quality authorized college students didn’t spot this oversight.  However, as Alexander Pope says, “even Homer nods.”  

And along with your college’s tutorial pedigree, you boast a legendary soccer group.  

Contemplating your present file of three wins and 4 losses, many TCU followers is perhaps beneath the impression you aren’t excellent this 12 months.  However I do know higher and am hip to your soccer group’s ingenious technique.  Recognizing you are not presently fairly what you as soon as had been, the CFP barely out of your grasp, moderately than battle it out for scraps, you would like to lie low, ready for the precise unsuspecting group earlier than you strike–as you probably did with Baylor.  That specific group started the season ranked No. 1 within the Huge 12 (although why precisely, and by whom, precisely, stays to me an entire and whole thriller).  You acknowledged the absurdity of that rating, hunkered down, took a pair deliberate and well mannered losses, and dealt the lethal blow when the opportune time arose.  You belong to an age of faculty soccer predating the multimillions, the high-gloss uniforms and Kirk Herbstreit circle jerks by which the actual fact you received is much less necessary than whom you beat.  

And now it’s TCU assembly you in your venerable house.  Our boys are on a seven recreation excessive; we will be taking part in in a a lot cooler atmosphere, with a unique altitude.  You’re conscious of the actual fact; you are ready.  I’ve my fears that an Ali/Foreman-style upset might be awaiting us, you taking your time, holding cool, us hitting onerous and getting winded.  In brief, I believe you’re taking part in possum, of which centuries of expertise have made you consultants.  

And what might be extra wonderful for you than to say you handed TCU its first loss?  

As we each know, and as your formidable philosophers preserve, there may be one inexorable, underlying regulation of all human expertise, and its identify is irony.  For TCU to lose to West Virginia could be the jewel within the crown of your understated season, a meta-ethical triumph by which the mental values of your college and athletic efficiency meet.  

However I’ve uncovered your technique.  

And now we’ll win.  

Glad to get that out of the way in which.  

I sit up for a civil and extremely mental contest of athleticism similar to hasn’t been witnessed by the Western world for the reason that Historical Olympic video games of the eighth century BC.  

Tout a toi, 

SI 

P.S., relative to the truth that you could have shamelessly plagiarized Davy Crockett’s Picture and Likeness, on behalf of the TCU/Texas Heritage Coalition and the TCU/Alamo Preservation Venture, in consideration of the status and notoriety of the particular person in query, I demand that you just ship $100,000,000, payable to Sports activities Ignoramus, to Ye Olde Bull and Bush on Montgomery (76107).  Within the occasion that this appreciable quantity is just too extreme in your comfort, I’m prepared to settle with half if you’re prepared to assist the KillerFrogs Fan Discussion board Literary Board learn to learn.  Be warned:  it is a appreciable job that may not be well worth the cash.  Additionally:  they bark. 

P.P.S., I’ll all the time love you for beating these Bores from Waco. 

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