BREAKING — Congress Conducts Background Checks On Virginia Representatives

This morning, I had the opportunity to meet with Congressional reporter Fay Knews. During our meeting, Knews let me know about the wave of compulsory background checks issued to representatives after George Santos was expelled for putting the “con” in Congress. Knews admitted that she was surprised that background checks had been compulsory for years. The problem had just been that no one bothered to read 435 sets of paperwork, much less muster the courage to ask for President Trump’s tax returns. As the documents have been misplaced, representatives are being forced to complete what is dubbed by the media as “post-background checks” once again. Unfortunately, such a task is demanding politicians to do the unthinkable — tell the truth.

Background check after background check has revealed each congressional representative’s dirty little secrets. Being a student at the University and one of the notorious individuals who reluctantly answers the question “Where are you from?” with the self-incriminating response of “NOVA,” I decided to see if Knews was willing to spill the beans on the representatives in Virginia’s delegation. To my delight, Knews was more than happy to share her knowledge.

Let’s start with Rob Wittman, who represents the first district. Known for completing his undergrad at … Virginia Tech, Wittman has a strong connection with the school. However, during his background check, Wittman confessed that he always hated the HokieBird. His main issue seemed to be that he wasn’t able to scream “Winner winner chicken dinner” after his team scored. Instead, Wittman had to stick with “Goalble Goalble” every time his team made a touchdown. Virginia Tech is allegedly in the process of revoking Wittman’s diploma.

Next is Jen Kiggans, who represents the second district. While Kiggans’ resume should have already provoked suspicion for being a helicopter pilot in the Navy, she was able to hide her deceptive nature and fly under the radar — no pun intended, this is a very serious matter — until now. Being a master of both air and water, Kiggans’ double-sided nature should have been apparent but it wasn’t until she was intensely interviewed that Kiggans admitted to betraying the most important thing of all — the dreams of children. During the time she worked at Walt Disney World in high school, Kiggans allegedly claimed that she would “butter the handle” of the Sword in the Stone and laugh as she watched countless fingers struggle to get a grip. While maniacal, she’s far from a true Disney villain.

What about district three Representative Bobby Scott? As the oldest Virginia representative elected in 1993, Scott quite literally has nothing — or everything — to hide. The absence of documents from the prehistoric time known as the pre-90s has made it hard to confirm or deny anything. Some claim he burned the documents to keep himself warm when climate change was a thing of the future and it still snowed in the month of January. Researchers are still trying to figure out how to play Scott’s old VHS tapes — most pressingly, the one titled “Bobby Without a Mustache.”

How about the representative of district four, Jennifer McClellan? Since McClellan has a degree from the University of Virginia’s School of Law, I have chosen to omit the allegations against her. Out of school spirit — of course — and not the crippling fear that a lawsuit will be awaiting me in my mailbox.

And now, the one you have been waiting for — district five’s rocking, rabid representative, Charlottesville’s man without a plan — Bob Good! A graduate of Liberty University, one is not surprised to hear about Good’s inclination to conceal information. However, while in questioning, interviewers noted a few peculiar habits that Good displayed. While discussing his election to the “Freedom Caucus,” Good would mumble the word “caucus.” Knews has speculated that Good’s disdain for same-sex marriage has forbidden him from proudly saying “caucus” as — of course — it might make him gay. Knews predicts that he will attempt a ban on any book that includes the word “caucus” in the future. He also seems to be aware that his colleagues call him “Bob Bad” and “Bob Good For Nothing” behind his back.

To be completely honest, I lost interest after hearing about Charlottesville’s representative — that was the only reason I met with Knews. So, to give a quick summary of the others — Ben Cline wears a toupee, Abigail Spanberger went to Purdue University but does not know how to cite in MLA, Don Beyer is a Gemini but has Cancer tendencies, Morgan Griffith doesn’t go by his first name “Howard” because he doesn’t want to be compared to the shredded American football player Howard Griffith, Jennifer Wexton changed her first name to Jennifer so that she, Kiggans and McClellan could start a girl group called “The Jennifers” and Gerry Connolly only wears his glasses to look smart — despite having perfect vision.

Even more shocking, the reporter delivering all this information turned out not to be a reporter at all! Maybe Congress and I should both be conducting background checks.