Rhode Island
Why stop at the ‘Gulf of America’? Maybe it’s time to rethink names of RI cities and towns
It seems Donald Trump’s Gulf of Mexico name change is going forward.
Even the Coast Guard is officially calling it “The Gulf of America.”
To me, that’s a sign we’re now allowed to change geographical labels.
Which, of course, got me wondering how we might apply that here.
I’ve long thought that the state’s 39 cities and towns are way too many – maybe now’s the time to consolidate them into a half dozen or so.
I’ll get to that in a moment, but first, if the Gulf of Mexico can be renamed, why not Rhode Island itself?
Frankly, it’s a bit absurd that no one is sure where our name came from.
One theory is that in 1614, Dutch explorer Adriaen Block called it Roodt Eylandt because of the red clay along the Block Island shore. Another is that Italian explorer Giovanni da Verrazzano thought we looked like the Greek island of Rhodes.
Wouldn’t it be better to name us after something more relevant?
From our beginnings, Rhode Island has been known as a contrary state, the first to reject the crown and the last to ratify the Constitution.
So perhaps we should be named Contraria?
Or Rebellia?
I once heard a British visitor say, “Rhode Island is such a funny little state – is it necessary?” Perhaps not, which makes me think we could also be called “Inessentia” or “Afterthoughtica.”
Since there are two Carolinas and Dakotas, we conceivably could be renamed South Massachusetts. But 390 years later, I’m still mad that they kicked out Roger Williams, and I’d rather not be known as their appendage.
We could also be East Connecticut, but why be melded into a state that – how do I put this politely? – does anyone even know what Connecticut is about? Like, what’s nutmeg? At least Rhode Island is distinct, from accent to brash politics – “brash” being a polite word for “occasionally corrupt.”
But I don’t think the name “Corruptia” would help our tourist pitch. This has me thinking it would help if a new state name highlighted our coastal distinction.
So if I had to make a final decision, I’d call us “Beachlandia.”
Meanwhile, let’s get to the idea of compressing the absurd number of 39 Rhode Island cities and towns.
My initial thought was to combine towns by personality – for example putting together East Greenwich, the East Side, parts of Barrington and Newport and call it the town of “Affluence.”
One might also combine Pawtucket and Woonsocket as comparable working-class cities named “Woontucket.”
But I think the towns have to be contiguous. And if we’re going to jettison the absurd number of 39, let’s be serious about making it not much more than a half dozen.
I picture seven.
First, let’s look toward the west – you know, that sea of red in the state’s post-election maps. That would include Burrillville, Hopkinton, Richmond, Exeter, West Greenwich, Coventry, Foster, Scituate and Glocester. As far as I know, there’s only one thing out there in western Rhode Island, so I’d call that town “The Woods.”
Which brings up another Rhode Island region – to the south – also known for one thing. I’d merge Charlestown, South Kingstown, Narragansett, North Kingstown, Westerly and Block Island and call it “The Dunes.”
Now let’s move east across Narragansett Bay. You know how when you ask people from Middletown where they live, they often make it easy on everyone and say, “Newport”? I’m guessing other folks do the same – especially if they’re out of state and someone asks what town they live in.
So I’d combine Jamestown, Middletown, Portsmouth and even Tiverton and Little Compton, all of which are in the sailing city’s gravitational pull, and name that town, “Le Newport.”
Next, I’m thinking about the wraparounds circling the state’s sole metro area. I’d include Warwick, Cranston, Johnston, North Providence and even East Greenwich.
Of course, those towns all see themselves as distinct, but I’ll bet folks in places like Boston just meld them together as “the land beyond Providence.” I’ll throw West Warwick into that mix because I don’t know where else to put it. And we’ll call that combined town “The Burbs.”
That leaves the state’s urban core – Providence, East Providence, Pawtucket and Central Falls. I might borrow one of my favorite Rhode Islandisms and call it “Down City.”
To the southeast of Down City, there’s a necklace of towns that don’t quite qualify as Le Newport, the Burbs or The Dunes. I’m talking about Barrington, Warren and Bristol. We’ll call that town “The Marina.”
That leaves Lincoln, the Smithfields and Cumberland, which aren’t quite The Woods. And Woonsocket which is too far to be Down City or the Burbs. I think that amorphous mix of towns should simply called, “The Rest.”
All seven of these new combined towns would make up the newly named Beachlandia.
Let me know if you have better ideas for a state name.
Meanwhile, someone please alert the Coast Guard.
mpatinki@providencejournal.com