New Jersey’s most paranoid apps — and the alerts that prove it

I will admit it. I have way too many notifications turned on.

It is an occupational hazard. As a talk show host and content provider for NJ 101.5, I need to stay on top of local news, national news, weather alerts for towns I visited three years ago — and yes, Ring and Nextdoor. Both of them. All notifications. All the time.

They wake me up in the middle of the night and I let them, because of FOMO. It is a terrible affliction and I am not proud of it.

Ring, Nextdoor and the anxiety they call features

But I am seriously considering turning them off. Because just about every alert that comes through turns out to be nothing. The guy in sunglasses and a Giants hoodie walking down the street. The strange car parked in front of someone’s house. The rotten egg smell nobody can identify. The contractors who showed up wanting to pave the driveway, fix the roof, and install new windows all in one visit.

And the granddaddy of them all: “Was that a gunshot, a car backfiring, or fireworks at 11pm?”

These apps do not give me peace of mind. They give me anxiety!

SEE ALSO: Financial anxiety is crushing NJ residents 

The top 10 alerts guaranteed to flood your New Jersey feed

“Was that gunshots or fireworks?” The undisputed champion. Loud bang at night, instant neighborhood panic. Thunderstorms, construction, a truck with a bad muffler — all submitted as possible gunfire. Never gets resolved.

Suspicious person walking down the street “White van driving slowly.” “Someone looking at houses.” In New Jersey this category also includes door-to-door solicitors offering to check your utility bill, inspect your roof, and repave your driveway simultaneously.

Pets, poop and the ongoing war Barking dogs. Lost cats. The eternal fury of the un-scooped lawn. Runs 365 days a year and generates more passion than most political debates.

Parking drama “Someone parked in front of my house.” Not blocking the driveway. Not illegally parked. Just in front of the house. In New Jersey this is a declaration of war.

Package theft and petty crime The actually useful one. Porch pirates, car break-ins, garage thefts with real Ring footage and real descriptions. About one in ten posts here is genuinely worth your attention.

“Did anyone else hear that?” Helicopters. Sirens. Internet going down for four minutes. All submitted as neighborhood emergencies requiring community response.

Teens being teenagers “A group of teenagers walking around.” “Kids on bikes after dark.” “Someone rang my doorbell and ran.” Almost always harmless. Always posted as suspicious.

Smells, trash and mystery odors The rotten egg smell. Construction dust. A neighbor burning something. In denser NJ towns this category gets surprisingly heated.

Door-to-door scams and solicitors Actually one of the more legitimate categories. Fake utility workers, solar salespeople, roofing crews appearing out of nowhere. Worth reading and worth sharing.

Overreaction posts about overreaction posts The meta-complaint. People posting about people who post too much. Duplicate alerts about the same non-event. The feed eating itself.

I keep thinking about what we did before these apps. We just wondered. We heard a noise and went back to sleep. We did not know about the white van and we were fine.

I am turning off the notifications. Both apps. All of them.

And I am going back to sleep.